 Hurt feelings - ana
My boyfriend makes comments such as "I never get
to see my friends now that we are dating", "I
don't really have my own life", "I wish we
could just date instead of spending so much time
together." The first few time he would say these
things, it of course really hurt my feelings and it
created a scene. He finally admitted to me that whenever
he feels he is getting too close to me (it really scares
him) he feels he needs to pull back and push me away. In
light of this, I have changed the way I react to his
comments by not adding fuel to the fire and letting them
get me down. But I still find them hurtful. I feel that
we don't spend enough time together and that I have to
beg and plead for every "date". He works 40
hrs/wk plus 4 evenings and Saturdays. At first I would
complain that he worked so much and that we saw so little
of each other. But I have come to accept that that is who
he is and I can't change him. He is a work-a-holic. But
when we do see each other it is usually with other people
too. We rarely go out just by ourselves. And yet he
complains that we see too much of each other?
I am wondering if that is what is really going on? I
know that he loves me. We have almost broken up a couple
of times and he is the one to jump in and say that he
doesn't want to lose me? But why then doesn't he want to
spend time with me? Why does he push me away and say
things that he knows hurts my feelings? I have reached
the point where I have pulled back and have decided to
let him call the shots. If he wants to see me, he has to
ask me instead of the other way around. But maybe this is
making him paranoid that he is losing me and making him
feel vulnerable. Maybe my strategy is adding to the
problem. I have tried to get him to talk about it. I have
asked him what he would like the relationship to be and
he doesn't respond. But maybe he is too afraid of saying
the wrong thing. I just don't know what to do. I don't
know how to get him to talk to me about his feelings. I
love him to death and want to get past this. Any advice
or comments is most appreciated.
 From: wolfie
Dearest Ana, The wonderful life of Fear of Intimacy. I
know that life very very well!!! First off, try not to
figure him out - wonder what he is thinking and feeling
and afraid that - oh no, now he may think this......etc.
First off, take care of yourself. And it sounds as if you
are really trying to do just that.
It sounds to me that your boyfriend is being honest
with you regarding his fear of intimacy and/or
commitment. Ana - I, too, am that person so I can
empathize with him. I can ALSO empathize with you because
many times I have felt hurt, and or abandoned, and/or not
loved. But by the tons of work I have done on myself, I
slowly started to become aware of my patterns, my issues,
what I was attracting into my life and why. For me, a lot
of men would be Whipped over me at the beginning and then
it appeared that they would lose interest. The thing is:
when they wanted me, I didn't want them. When they no
longer wanted me and/or treated me like shit, I wanted
them all the more. This was MY issue not theirs. It
really always is about us and relationships are
incredible tools for us to get to know ourselves!!!! This
is an opportunity for you!! You see, I had a basic belief
within me that said I was not lovable - don't deserve
love, etc. I still work on that today. So I attracted
situations in which reflected that. When they really
loved me and were sweet and loving and nurturing - could
I handle that? NO. I couldn't handle it, because I had a
root belief that said I am not lovable - it was only when
they treated me with indifference or whatever, that I
wanted them. It was my root belief that needed to change,
in order to attract situations in my life which reflected
that. I also have feared committment and intimacy for
various reasons (fear of being abandoned, that I am not
lovable). See, these are all root beliefs that NEED to be
changed, (by ME) in order to attract situations that
reflect that. When we change within, our outer reality
reflects that.
So what can you do? You can accept where he is at and
you can work on your root beliefs. This can be done with
support groups, affirmations, therapy, whatever. But I am
a big believer in that What we Believe, So it Is. If we
don't like our outer reality, change our inner beliefs
about self and what we deserve etc.
There is a wonderful book out there and I am trying to
think of the name. It is all about fear of commitment. I
think the name of it is: He's Scared, She's Scared. I
don't have the author off hand but you may be able to
find that. I think that would be a GREAT starting point.
If you can't find the book, (if you are interested), let
me know and I will get the author for you.
My thoughts are with you. It is soul work we are up to
- and I am with you all the way. If you want to vent or
cry or just talk, feel free to write anytime! Lots of
Love and HUGS to you. I hope something helps here.
From: Bernd
Workaholism is an addiction as much as an eating
disorder is. In many ways, it is more baffling than
alcoholism, because work - like food - is an essential
part of our life. We can live without taking an alcoholic
drink; we can’t live without work (even if it’s
non-paying) or food.
If your boyfriend is a workaholic, then he is as
baffled by what’s happening inside of him as you
are. It’s like having diabetes, and feeling lousy
until you pop a candy bar in your mouth. Until you know
what the disease process is doing to you, you blame
yourself for not “handling it better”, which
actually pulls you down even more.
You aren’t getting the answers you want from him,
because his own mixture of seemingly opposite feelings
confuses the heck out of HIM. Part of him wants you and
loves you so much, yet another part (that he can’t
control) reacts with panic whenever there’s too much
closeness. The only ways he knows of making this panic
manageable is thru work, and having other people around
as a buffer.
As much as you might take that personally, his
struggles really have a LOT to do with old baggage
he’s carrying (that he “thought” he had
“gotten over”), and are not CAUSED by you. They
would have happened regardless of what woman he would
have had a relationship with.
What to do? My guess is the first place to start is
finding out what brought your two paths together. It may
have been less of an accident than you think. There are a
great many partners of “___aholics” who have
their own hidden similar struggles, but instead of using
work, booze, or drugs, etc., they try to get relief from
their pain and confusion thru relationships. I am one of
those. I’m a recovering “codependent”. My
“wife” is my “drug”, and when she
acts in ways I don’t like, I feel pain.
I’d recommend doing such searching on the net -
and in my list of Relationship Resources - to see whether
codependency is a struggle that you are dealing with. If
you find it is, there is hope. As a recovering
codependent, my recovery and healing work has made a HUGE
positive difference in our marriage.
There are tools, resources, and insights out there
that will help you see how codependency and workaholism
intermesh, and how to make choices that bring more of the
love and happiness you’re looking for to yourself,
and your relationship.
If you do decide to embark on such a search, at some
point your boyfriend may choose to look more closely at
his own struggles, or he may become even more panicked
inside. Try to let what happens, happen. You have no
control over what paths he decides to take. The best that
you can do for him - and yourself - is try to learn how
to be truly more loving to yourself and him, a little bit
more each day. That’s what recovery will help you
do.
I wish I could have given you a simpler “magic
wand” answer, but I really don’t know of any.
Hopefully someone else will see something that I’ve
missed, and give you some insight that will help you find
your way thru this struggle in your relationship. Hope
something I’ve said gets you a step closer to where
you want to be.
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