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 Trust - scully
I am co-habitating with my fiancé/boyfriend and I'm
not really sure what my problem is! I think it is a trust
issue, because of my past failed relationships. I've been
in physical & mental abusive relationships and have
been cheated on I don't even know how many times! My
fiancé/boyfriend (no ring yet) is generally wonderful to
me. I know he has had a few bad relationships, as well,
and he is having a hard time letting me into his problems
or items that may arise. It really hurts my feelings.
Plus I found out that he still talks to a couple of his
ex-girlfriends and that bothers me (although I talk to
mine). He just excepted a CEO position, and do you think
we've even celebrated yet? NO! He plans on going out with
his friend on Friday to "celebrate". He's in
his early forties and I'm in my late twenties. I need
help! Please give me any suggestions or comments.
 From: wolfie
Hi there Scully. First off, what do you mean you're
engaged maybe? Are you clear what kind of relationship
you have? Are you both fully committed? Does he just want
to see....what happens? Because I have been there too.
Prior to meeting my current partner, I was involved with
a man and he was SO SO whipped over me in the beginning -
but then it appeared that he became less interested and
yes, he too, was a workaholic. You see, prior to meeting
him, I created a list of what kind of relationship I
wanted. I was ready for a fully committed relationship
and I created the list with the help of a woman I had
been doing some breath therapy with. We are the masters
of our own ship!! Anyway, in the beginning, he appeared
to be everything I wanted and it was great for a while
but then he became less interested in me and eventually
he wanted to "see what happens." He also told
me that his music would always be his true love. I would
be second best. Our relationship was fading. I had
warning signals and made a choice to end it. This isn't
what I wanted - I knew what I wanted and this wasn't it.
At this point in my life, I knew my patterns of what I
was attracting into my life and why (I knew why - I was
aware of my deep seeded beliefs about self - we attract
people into our lives based on beliefs about self) I was
basically breaking away from old patterns. Anyway,
meanwhile, I met my present partner and I chose him - I
chose love - I chose commitment - I chose intimacy - I
chose nurturance - etc. He was everything I had been
searching for. To this day, I still feel his love and
commitment - that is all he has ever shown me!!!! But
this was not easy because now that I had what I wanted, I
DIDN"T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE IT. The love he gave to me
was so overwhelming to me - my capacity to receive was
low!!!!!! Also, my whole life I had been subconsciously
running from commitment and intimacy and now I was making
a CONSCIOUS decision to embrace it. For me, it was time
to stop running and finally face all of my fears.
Now in all of this time, many issues have arisen and
it has been difficult, very, for both of us - but all I
can do is take care of myself and work on Me. I do that
with prayer, affirmations, and now I will be doing
therapy. I have support and close friends who help me on
this spiritual path.
You said that you have a history of attracting abusive
relationships. Have you really tried to look at all of
that? Have you looked at how you feel about your self on
a deep level? Are you, on some level, afraid of
commitment or intimacy? Do you fear abandonment? I know
that is an issue of mine - along with intimacy issues.
Let me tell you a story. My partner and I had a fight
once and he was thinking of leaving. To tell you the
truth, on some level, I wanted him to leave so I could
live a self-fulfilling prophecy - "I knew he would
leave me - they always do - I knew nobody would ever love
the real me....." But I was AWARE of these thoughts
- I knew that if I continued to let these voices control
me, I would stay in my patterns. Old habits are Hard to
break - they are comfortable, they are what we know. Well
at that time, a friend (an angel) walked into my office
and she said "kim, aren't you going to fight for
what you want" I called my partner at home (we live
together) and we talked.......it was a great talk....and
we knew that we needed to work things out - move beyond
our issues - transcend them. He didn't want to go - I
think he just felt desperate because the pain he had was
so overwhelming. He felt very very hurt. All I am saying
is that old habits are hard to let go. But I feel that
awareness is key. I started becoming aware with myself
when I relationship crashed many years ago. I surrendered
to God and I was led to what I needed to be led to.
Everything I did and was guided to, helped me to learn
more and more about myself. I feel awareness is so Key
because once we are aware, then we have a starting point.
We know what needs to change within ourselves.
I really don't know if any of this helps. Just know
that you are not alone. Soul work is never easy but we
are NEVER alone. Never. You ARE LOVED!!!!
From: Bernd
It seems like a vicious circle at times, trying to
break out of a “pattern” of attracting men that
sooner or later end up hurting you deeply. Like any
pattern, one of the hardest things to cope with is the
deepening despair after each “failure”, that
we’ll never find happiness or the kind of
long-lasting love we want and need.
Compare it to a broken leg that’s been busted
over and over again, and never had the chance to heal
properly. When you meet someone new, you try your best
not to “limp”, because you know that most men
aren’t interested in a “cripple”. And
those that are often want you to STAY crippled and
dependent on them, to keep exerting power over you. It
doesn’t seem to leave you with many options.
A CEO is used to exerting power, and being in charge.
As much as he might want to have an equal relationship
with you, I suspect that the “in-charge” part
of him is in constant struggle with his desire to have an
equal relationship. Being aware of that may help you see
that it isn’t you that’s a “problem”,
as much as those conflicting sides of him.
I’m more concerned with how difficult it’s
been for you to find some true healing of the shit
that’s been done to you in the past. There IS a real
lack of support, caring, and help out there that you can
tap into, to help you find some real permanent relief
from your past pain. Your instinctive awareness of this
probably fuels your deep desire to find relief in a new
relationship. It makes sense.
What also makes sense is why this hasn’t worked,
and is unlikely to work. At the beginning of any
relationship, no matter how honest we try to be,
subconsciously we try to put our best foot forward.
It’s like having an acne problem as a teenager, and
waiting til our face clears up before we show someone
we’re interested in dating. During the early stages
of a relationship, you’re able to keep your fears
and the pain of your past experiences from overwhelming
you, because the emotional investment isn’t high
yet. As a relationship progresses however, you become
more vulnerable - and I suspect you find yourself
“clinging” at times, and hating yourself for
doing so. Eventually, as your struggles continue - and
your partner’s own struggles come more into the open
- the honeymoon becomes replaced more and more by
conflict, and your partner finds a way out (by an affair,
or turning on you).
This doesn’t mean it’s “your
fault”. The kind of man you are attracted to
actually has a lot more in common with you than it might
appear on the surface. Both of you are struggling with
past issues that involve being hurt big-time; it’s
just the way you handle them is different. You try to
ease those fears with more closeness, while they try to
ease them by putting up a wall.
What can you do? I think the most important thing is
to take a huge leap of faith, and look at your past and
present experiences, and acknowledge to yourself that a
man CAN’T take care of healing those past hurts. No
relationship is ever going to relieve the pain.
However, a relationship with a man who understands the
healing process (because they are actively involved in
their own) DOES offer the doorway to happiness and love
that you are looking for. To find such a man, means
having an instinctive awareness of whether such a healing
process in them is real, or fake. The only way I know of
developing such intuition is first-hand knowledge of what
such a healing process is like for YOU.
That, to me, is the key. I began my healing process by
a commitment to heal, and have used books, therapy,
support groups, journal writing, meditation, and anything
else that works. There are online relationship support
groups that work thru chat, or email lists. As I
mentioned before, there ISN’T as much help out there
as I’d like to see. But there are some real
diamonds; finding them takes some hard work, but that
work is worth it. The love and support of others trying
to do their own healing is essential, because it is so
easy to lose hope and feel we’re all alone.
You don’t need to leave this relationship to
start. Once you begin your own journey of healing, it
WILL produce changes in this relationship - some changes
you’ll like, others you won’t. You are the only
one who can judge how good this relationship is for you,
one day at a time. That’s all for now. I hope
something here has helped you see things a bit more
clearly, and helps you in some small way to find the
happiness and love you so richly deserve.
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