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 Against the clock - Diane
Help! I'm getting married October 5th, and I am very
threatened my fiancé's ex-girlfriend.
Lately I've been keeping track of how many times she
calls (they have a kid together), the nature of the call
(was it REALLY about the kid?), also he's a musician, she
hangs out at the club he plays in, and I am KEENLY aware
of her presence, her place on the dance floor, the way
she's dancing, what she's wearing etc. It's making me
crazy, I get so pissed at myself, and at her very
presence. I try to hide my anger, but him and I are very
close and he sees right through it.
I'm not sure where this started coming from, we been
together for over 2 years, I'm not the jealous/possessive
type, I'm a confident women, and I don't view other
females as competition. This is a all-of-a-sudden sort of
deal. I actually very disappointed with myself for having
these feelings of inadequacy. It feels like teenage angst
all over again.
He insists there hasn't been anything there for years.
I do believe him, but the daily contact really bugs me.
Does anyone have any ideas/insights or parallel
experiences? Do the pre-marital jitters include anger,
jealousy and bitterness? I want to work through and
beyond my feelings BEFORE we are married, there is no way
in hell I'm going to bring in this ugliness into
something so sacred.
 From: trish
Diane, sounds like your good since is kicking in. you
have apparently have been living a preview of how your
married life will be. By saying I DO, you will be saying
I accept what is going on. Your fiancé sounds immature
with a big ego. Down the road, in my opinion it won't
just be the ex, but others to feed this ego. Can you live
with this. Also, a sacred union can only become with God
being put first. It's not sacred if there is only one
participant. Diane, please do not settle, you deserve
respect. Maybe it's time to confront the fiancé to see
if he respects you, your feelings and your upcoming life
together. The best of luck to you!
From: Bernd
A few things. First, with the wedding so close, it
makes a lot of sense to me that you find yourself
panicking. You’re facing a situation and feelings
that you know instinctively you need more time to sort
out, but the clock on the wall seems to be ticking so
loud you can’t hear hardly anything inside.
Second, I suspect that you are more pissed at your
fiancé than you’re letting yourself realize. People
don’t keep doing things unless they feel
they’re working - or have some chance at working -
and my reading of the situation is that your boyfriend is
giving his ex some very clear (tho maybe subliminal)
clues that he like the attention he’s getting from
her. If so, I think instinctively inside you know that
your boyfriend is playing more of a role in this ongoing
dance than he admits to. (By the way, he may not be
totally aware of his OWN co-operation in this; sometimes
our logic is way out of touch with our feelings). I
don’t get the reading he wants to go back to her.
Liking attention isn’t the same as wanting to
develop a relationship with someone.
Third, as I mentioned before, the upcoming wedding is
really making it hard to sort this out. I suspect you
have a fear that if you over react, YOU’LL blow
things apart, and if he cancels the wedding, it would be
YOUR fault - for not handling the situation better.
I’d like to suggest otherwise. You have a right to
express clearly and fully just how you feel to your
fiancé, including letting him know what anger you feel
over whatever part he’s playing. This issue
isn’t going to go away on its own. I’d suggest
NOT offering solutions; if he hears you, HE is the one
who has the power to decide what choices he’ll make.
Yes, it may be a lot more difficult for HIM to find an
appropriate solution, but unless it comes from him, he
won’t learn what HE needs to from the situation. If
he makes some suggestions, tell him how each suggestion
FEELS to you - stay in contact with your gut feelings.
Finally, if and when he does follow thru on doing
something about his role in this, let him know what
positive feelings you have about the changes, and what
still remains unsettled. Don’t assign
“blame” for any struggles or turmoil you still
have - “I don’t know why I feel this way, I
just do, and I don’t know yet what to do about
it” works pretty good for us in dealing with our own
struggles. I puts your feelings out in the open, where
they can help both of you.
A few more notes. I find ultimatums don’t work.
Do what feels best for you based on what is HAPPENING,
not what you want to happen. Also, the more you can focus
on what you need to do TODAY, and let the wedding take
care of itself, the clearer your mind and heart will be
on whatever decisions you make. You can’t drive 2
cars at the same time. Also, my gut feeling is that his
ex likes the “chase”, but has her own
difficulties when she finally “captures”
someone. I suspect she has her fantasy about what would
happen if her ex did come back, and I also suspect her
fantasy is far removed from the actual REALITY of what
another relationship with him would be like.
You can’t lose what you don’t own. You
don’t own your fiancé. You DO own your own body,
feelings, and thoughts. By letting him know what is
important to you, and letting him know YOUR feelings, you
share yourself with him honestly. If he wants to be
“owned” by his ex, then that is the path
he’ll choose. If he wants to be in a relationship
where he owns himself, and shares himself with someone
who understands how meaningful that is, then this
situation may very well be the catalyst that helps him
see that sitting on the picket fence is NOT the most
comfortable place to stay. Hope something here helps.
Just a reminder - these are just my best guesses.
From: Diane
Hello Bernd - Thanks for the insight. I do have a hard
time expressing myself on the subject of her - I tend to
mince my words, dance around, simply out of fear of
looking like the jealous girlfriend. I question the
appropriateness of my own feelings, perhaps I'm being
hyper-sensitive, after all she gave him a beautiful gift
that he loves with all his heart - their daughter.
Although I plan to remain childless (my future
step-children are completely delightful, we do have a
wonderful relationship) perhaps that's the basis of my
discomfort, not being able to compete with such a
wonderful thing.
My boyfriend has expressed that the ex is just as
freaked out about me, and is tries to be careful not to
make waves, etc. Bernd, that is also what makes me VERY
uncomfortable, that they can talk like normal adults on
the phone, but when we see her socially, they almost act
stand-offish to each other, which has been expressed is
for my benefit. Huh? I have NO history being anything but
dignified and polite around his ex's, just as he is to
mine. Why the playacting? Its humiliating and degrading.
Yes, I have a lot to sort through without assigning
blame. I'm not sure that he eggs on this sort of behavior
(a lot of contact) but I know he doesn't discourage it. I
just need to find a better way to deal with it, because
by marrying him, there will always be that link to the
mother of his child. As I read my words, these things I'm
so concerned about seem so feeble-minded and
soap-opera-ish. I hate feeling this way. Thank so much
for the thoughts.
From: Bernd
Diane, You're not being hyper-sensitive, or over
reacting at all, in my book. I find in my own life that
my feelings are often WAY ahead of my brain. In other
words, my feelings pick up on stuff that my brain just
doesn't see at first. I'm not sure if your fiancé's
actions and words are reinforcing your feeling that
you're over reacting, or not. Give yourself permission to
have exactly the feelings you're having. They're
legitimate, in my opinion.
Re: him not egging on her behavior - there are very
subtle ways of letting someone know that you don't want
their behavior to stop. And as you mention, he doesn't
discourage it. Let me ask you - if someone was coming
onto you, and your boyfriend told you he was
uncomfortable with it, how would you deal with it?
Thinking about that may give you some clues as to what's
really going on with him. Tolerating unacceptable
behavior is like handing a person a license to continue
it.
As risky as it seems, as long as you minimize your
feelings, you are going to send him the message that your
feelings aren't important to him, and YOU. That doesn't
mean you need to blow up. It may be that this situation
is trying to give you a gift that you are scared to death
of - believing in YOUR feelings as something that's ok,
legitimate, and worth consideration by you and him. It
may be that HE has a similar difficulty believing and
accepting HIS feelings as okay, when something is out of
tune inside him. If so, accepting YOURS may very well
help him in his struggle in accepting his own feelings
more. The more each of you is okay with how you feel
inside, the more open and honest - and truly intimate -
your relationship will become.
It may very well be that his ex is the catalyst both
of you need to discover something very important, that
will help make the fo9undation of your relationship even
stronger. Don't minimize your feelings Diane - let them
lead you, and go an inch at a time, and see where they're
really trying to take you. My guesses. I know it's tough.
Hang in there girl.
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