 Why do I feel so terrible -
Separated
I am separated from my husband, after throwing him out
for having an affair (not the first or third) during my
pregnancy. I had to drive myself to the hospital when I
when into labor. He arrived later in his girlfriend's
car. I am very bitter and feel terrible. I want him to
hurt like I do. I feel very hopeless and alone. I don't
know where to go or what to do. I have suicidal thoughts
but I wouldn't go through with it. Him leaving is
probably the best thing that could have happened. My head
knows that but my heart wants him back. I can't stand the
thought of him being with another woman. I think I will
be much better off without him in my life. Why do I feel
so terrible. I can't sleep or eat. I cry all the time.
 From: Cindi
I am sorry that you are feeling so bad, but I know how
you feel. I left a 6 year relationship with someone who
could not be faithful. Part of what we feel is separation
anxiety. A change in our lives and that is very normal.
Some of the terrible feelings come from letting someone
treat us badly. We want them back, because we just know
that if will be different and we will feel vindicated as
a person.
It is very hard to accept the fact that another human
being can be so callous of our feeling. It makes us feel
very insecure and we want to know that the person does
and can care about us. But we are dealing with someone,
who is not acting as a rational person, because of any
number of things. They may have addictions, they may be
unable to connect with any other human being.
The one thing that I can do, is to accept this person
as they are. I did not cause them to be like they are, I
cannot change them and I cannot cure them. But I can take
care of me. I can stop another person from hurting me
over and over again. I can go to therapy or to a 12 step
group. I can tell my self everyday, that I deserve to be
treated better. I can let this person go, so they can
suffer the consequences of their actions.
From: Bernd
It’s very normal to feel terrible, hurt,
confused, crazy, angry, etc., etc. after the discovery of
an affair. It’s especially hard for you, because of
your pregnancy. I find that feeling the anger is VERY
helpful - like “how DARE he!”. Over half of all
marriages are hit with an affair - whether it comes out
in the open or not, so you are not alone by any means.
What I found really helped me was talking to ANYONE
who would listen, about my feelings, and about what was
happening to me and my life. Even if you’re not
religious, a minister or a priest is a safe person to
talk to, and they are IN the listening profession. I used
them often, as well as immersing myself in books about
relationships, seeing a therapist, and spending lots of
time letting myself FEEL. I had to get my feelings out,
cause trying to plug them up inside just made me go even
crazier.
I’d heartily recommend joining the Beyond Affairs
Network, an online support network co-ordinated by Peggy
Vaughn, who has written a few books about her own
personal experiences dealing with her husband’s
affairs. You need the comfort and support of others who
have gone thru what you’re going thru now.
(There’s a link on the Relationship Resources page).
Don’t be afraid of being a burden to anyone. You
aren’t. One last note: because most relationships
have part love, part addictive stuff happening in them
(love addiction), letting go of wanting your husband back
will feel very painful at times. It’s like going off
of addictive pain-relieving drugs cold turkey. It’s
going to take time for you to “get him out of your
system”, but it WILL happen. Sometimes it’s all
we can do to take a day, or even an hour or a minute at a
time. When pain gets to be too much for me, I find that
screaming at the moon or the sky - in a safe isolated
place - really helps take the edge off.
Hope you find the support and help you need to make it
thru this very difficult time. You CAN get thru it, even
tho it might not happen as soon as you want. Good luck,
and be kind to yourself.
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