 Help! - Just Me
I haven't posted here before ... but have been reading
all the comments and thought .. wow ... what a lot of
support for people going through life's problems. My life
is a mess ... I no longer love my husband of 5 years ...
and honestly feel that the feelings were gone long ago.
Communication has always been a big issue .. BIG issue
... and I tried to tell him many times the last couple of
years ... we HAVE to do something about this .. I can't
live like this .. only to be ignored cause, well ya know
.. the football game was on! Now I have come to a point
where I am so desperately unhappy ... I am ready to
leave. I have seen a psychologist .. who says I am
depressed .. and we should have a trial healing
separation. My husband doesn't think that will help ..
thinks we can just "work it out". I honestly
don't know how you get the love back once it is long gone
... or, for that matter, if I really want to. I did meet
someone "online" .. who has become very special
to me ... my husband found emails that I had trashed. ..
and now thinks this is all because of my
"online" friend. Obviously, I was so unhappy
with my life ... I met someone who actually cared what I
had to say ... who wouldn't become close to someone like
that? Anyway .... if anyone can offer any help .. I would
really really appreciate it.
 From: kim
(wolfie)
Hi Just Me!!! Well - WE all care too!!!!! You can
always share here and receive gentle lovin care!!!! You
are not alone in your pain!!!! But you know what -
everything WILL work out for the greatest good for
yourself and for all concerned!!!! Know it and believe
it!!!!!!! Just a little ole growing pains........ :-)
Can you tell me more about your relationship with your
husband? When did you start feeling that your love was
gone? How is your relationship with yourself? What kind
of things do you do to bring you joy? I would love to
listen and share experiences.
From: Kay
Hi! I have been visiting odat for several weeks now
and have never posted before until I read your post. I
thought for a moment that I must have written it in my
sleep because your situation sounded so much like my own.
Only two words (football and online) made me not have to
pinch myself! I reread two times - and yes, these are the
only differences. As Wolfie commented on growing pains -
I certainly have realized recently that this is what is
happening for me. I am trying to shift my focus and
energies to myself.
I also question about the love being gone and wonder
WHEN is the time to throw in the towel. I find myself
wondering, "is there another level or plateau (of
love) which I am supposed to be reaching or
achieving?" This only results in feelings like - I
don't have the desire or strength to climb if this is the
case. And then, if I get there (with him), will he stay
there with me or return to the old ways of living out our
lives and relationship together? Because if this is the
case, I don't think I can bear the pain (which I am
feeling now) again.
In someways I wish that I could open a book and
extract the recipe but, such is not available. I am
opening plenty of books but, the variables and
complexities of my situation are overwhelming to me. The
good part is that I am learning a lot about myself. That
I need not be so reliant on one relationship to fill so
many of my needs.
How I wish that I had all of the answers and could
share them with you. I gladly would! One thing I do know
is that I have very large ears - and am listening. You
are not alone. Thank you for drawing me to post for the
first time as I was thinking for awhile that my situation
was so different - and I was feeling so alone. Now, I am
POSITIVE I am not!
From: mzet
here are my guesses reflecting on my own situation
from the husband's perspective. my wife had two affairs
this past year and has told me she does not love me. we
have been married ten years. we have four kids. I
divorced her this week, 14 months after the first affair
started.
if you WANT to love your husband again and save the
relationship you and your husband have a lot of work to
do, but I am convinced that it is possible to do it. you
may feel you CANNOT love, but that is not the real
question. the real question is if you WANT to love. love
is a decision and a leap of faith. the possibility of
mature love only emerges when the feeling of being in
love is gone. what we have before that is romantic love.
it feels great, but it wears out, as you found out.
mature love is a lot of work, and it entails a lot of
pain for both of you initially, but the rewards are huge.
ask Bernd, or read some of his posts. it is worth every
tear!!!
I think counseling is critical for both of you if you
want to work on your love. and you have to be open to the
process. that's where the leap of faith comes in. if
either of you are skeptical about the process, it will
not work!
obviously, it goes without saying that if you want to
save your marriage you have to stop the on line affair.
forever. you can only work on one relationship at a time
and I found that having lovers on the wings is a
distraction and a temptation to strong to fall for again
and again unless you quit. if you don't, it will rob you
and your husband of the energy you should be using to
work you your relationship.
if you don't want to love your husband, there is not
much to be said. you just get a divorce and start all
over again, making sure you do not make the same mistakes
again. but the statistics are against you: your chances
of getting a divorce after a second marriage are 50%
higher than chances of a divorce from a first marriage.
and my guess is that you will make the same mistakes (we
all do, over and over...)
I suggest reading The Road Less Traveled by S. Peck.
it helped me understand the dynamics of love from a
spiritual perspective. take care.
From: grinch
MZET -- I just wanted to tell you how wonderfully wise
I think you are, because your response says so MANY of
the things that I believe to be true. Like you, I believe
that if you WANT to feel love toward someone, there are
things you can do to ensure that this happens. The hard
part is deciding and committing to wanting it.
I'm interested in knowing what led you to believe
this, though. I've read about cases where this was
successful, and I've done it in a limited way in my own
life. Right now, I face a real test of this as a concept
-- I've separated from my husband, and I sincerely think
that we don't have to start by identifying all of the
slights and problems over the years -- we have to start
by deciding whether or not we want to love one another
again!!
Who would you consider to be the correct person to
teach the technique of learning to love one another
again, once the "bloom is off the rose"? This
is clearly something my husband and I both need to learn!
From: wolfie (kim)
Hi! Have you heard of the book by Harville Hendrix
"getting the love you want". They do various
workshops and it would be Awesome if you and your husband
did one together. The other book that is AWESOME is
"Conscious Loving" (don't have author on me)
and they also have workshops all over - I really LOVED
"Conscious Loving".
From: mzet
What led me to the belief that love is a decision and
that we have to WANT it first? My answer will be very
very personal, and I am not saying that this is the only
way or the correct way or even the most popular way. (By
the way, I NEVER believed until recently that love was a
decision. But I think I was always thinking about
romantic love, the butterflies-in-your-belly kind of
love, and not mature love.)
I think my journey started four years ago when my
professional career came tumbling down after five years
of incredible success. I was basically demoted to the
same position I had when I started working. It was a huge
ego blow. Then came an unsuccessful business venture that
I am still paying for. That was a huge ego blow too.
Finally, when I had decided that my wife and my kids
would become my reason to be, that work was not that
important after all, that financial success was not that
big of a deal anymore, that my family was to be the
center of my life, my defining goal, then, my wife gives
me the final blow with her affairs. It was at that point
that the choice between suicide and finding a reason to
live was unveiled. For about two months I was depressed
and constantly fantasizing about killing myself. I hated
my wife with a passion for not loving me anymore and
loving someone else instead. I honestly can't say I loved
her. I was emotionally dependent on her; I was attached
to her; I needed her, but I did not love her.
I had also been an atheist since my early twenties...
So I guess you know now where this is going: it was only
when I hit bottom and was able to turn my whole life over
to God that I was able to chose to live. Faith went
totally against my deepest convictions, but I chose it,
freely. I found that God was, after all, inside of me.
And in making a choice for God, with all the apparent
contradictions, particularly the suffering of Christ, I
was able to find love, but a different kind of love. It
was not me suffering, but Christ in me sharing his
suffering with me and I sharing his suffering on the
cross with him. It was not me loving my wife, but the God
in me loving my wife. It was not me forgiving her (who
can really forgive adultery, really?) but the God in me
forgiving her. So the choice, at least in my case, was
not the choice for wanting a human love of her, but a
choice for Christ, and in that choice I found a love for
her that is humanly impossible to give. It is divine
love.
Everything else, all the psychologizing, all the
communication techniques, all the therapy, all the books,
this web page, all of that is secondary to the love I
found inside of me, or better yet, secondary to that
inside of me which found me and through me all those
around me.
I think at times we all tend to make this whole love
issue a matter of incredible personal effort and
challenge. I found that when I do that, when I make it a
personal task, the weight is just too much. That's when
we get confused, distracted, we fall in love at the wrong
time, with people we know we shouldn't, we have affairs,
we fall out of love with our spouses, we become selfish,
etc., etc. And then, we think that we, by our selves,
after the messes we get into, we think we can rekindle a
lost feeling of love. I think that is the long road that
leads to nowhere, we know that, so we are overwhelmed by
the task ahead of us and we quit and say since I can't
love you, since it's too much pain, I don't want to love
you.
I think there is a shorter road, but it is narrow and
very very steep, and you have to pay a huge price, but
the reward is unbelievable. If our goal in life is to
acquire happiness, I found that the way is to let go of
our attachments to finite things and human beings and
find and relate, on a friendship basis with that which is
permanently fulfilling and cannot let us down. When we
abandon ourselves to that which is permanent, then
everything else falls into place and that love that you
were seeking originally, comes to you unannounced, as a
gift.
So my suggestion to you is to let go and let God do
the work for you. That is the hardest choice! It is a
personal choice and cannot be taught or suggested, the
mere mention of this road tends to turn people off
because it seems like a cop-out and a sign of weakness.
But God calls us at different times in our lives, I think
particularly when we fall out of love with our spouses.
When we finally realize that it is in the moments of
personal suffering that God is calling us the loudest,
when making a choice for our spouses seems the most
horrendous and painful joke that anybody could play on
us, when we actually let God take control of ourselves
and the relationship, then you find the teacher you are
looking for and then a rose garden can grow in the
desert. Take care my friend.
From: Robert
Mzet, I have not always agreed with you or your ideas.
But today, I find myself compelled to say: Amen. Thank
you and all of the wonderful people here. There are a lot
of beautiful, loving souls on this page and I am blessed
to know ya'll.
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