 |
 Forgiveness - Isis
I enjoyed reading the excerpt of "Forgiveness". I only wish that I
could feel that forgiveness for the wrong that was done
to me. I guess I would like to ask HOW do you forgive
someone that has taken away your youth and innocence? I
was molested when I was a child and I have yet to forgive
my step-father for doing it to me. I have been told by
many that that will be my only salvation and I will feel
much better for doing so. But I still cannot bring myself
to forgive a man that could possibly do anything of that
nature to a young girl. If anyone can suggest how I could
begin to forgive I would be open to suggestions. Thanks
 From: luise
Isis.......Just heard a sermon yesterday on forgiving
and forgetting. The message I took with me is that
harboring the resentment is only weighing heavy on YOUR
heart and causing you hurt not only mentally, but
phsically. You must forgive your step-father and pray
that he will heal. If you confront him and tell him that
you forgive him, then maybe he will realize how wrong he
was. If not, then you forgive and forget and move on and
know that YOU have done the right thing and he will face
God at some point about his behavior. I don't know if
this helps you but it helps me when I think of the wrongs
that have been done to me.
From: Bernd
Do you have "Courage to Heal", a book for
abuse survivors? And do you have a steady partner
(husband or boyfriend)? If so, there's a companion book
"Allies in Healing" that really helps them
support your healing process.
One of the best books I've seen on forgiveness is
aptly titled "Forgiveness", written by a
husband/wife team...the wife's name is Suzanne, which is
all I can remember of their names, but I also remember
she was an abuse survivor. The book helped me
tremendously in understanding what I needed to do to work
TOWARDS forgiveness. To me, forgiveness happens when we
take the pile of shit soneone dumped on us, plant a seed
of healing, and ask for God's help in doing the rest.
Eventually, a patch of beautiful carnations appears where
the shit once was, and we realize we were able to
transform the shit into fertilizer to make something
beautiful grow.
From: trish
this is hard, 3 years ago i became friends with a
wonderful woman that trusted me enough to share the
burden of a troubled marriage with me. that trust enabled
me to start talking openly about things from my past. for
the first time in my life i could say out loud, I didn't
do anything wrong, they were the adults, they were wrong.
i was a child, with a childs mind, not knowing what was
going on. the shame and guilt we carry through life, how
it hinders our choices in relationships. i am rambling
and i am sorry. first i had to say you know what, you
were just a child, you were the "victim". the
forgiveness within me started when i realized
"they" were the ones that needed help, not me,
they were the ones that needed prayer, not me. God had
me, He's the one that kept me safe throughout my
childhood.
now this is very hard for me to say, my mother knew of
some of the things that were going on. it took me a long
time to 'forgive' her for not keeping me safe. when i
became an adult, i was able to put myself in her place
and understand, not condone, understand. i understand
that she did the best she 'knew' how to do. the men, i am
not responsible for their twisted ways. one of them died
at 35 of a heart attack, one died due to viet nam, i get
no satisfaction from this. the others if they haven't
repented in one way or another, must still be living in
their own hell. but i refuse to stay victimized. all of
this has made me who i am today. and i am sorry, i am
nervous and rambling. one more thing, my youth was also
robbed, but you know what, it made me a survivor and it
allows me to speak out and react when and if i suspect
something like that is going on with someone else.
From: Isis
I want to thank you for taking the time to respond
first of all. I don't normally talk about what did happen
to me to anyone, but perhaps the anonimity makes it
easier. As far as the response to realizing that they
were the adults and THEM being the ones that need
help....I completely agree. However, that is also an
issue that is keeping me from the forgiveness. I can't
fathom how someone can do that to ANYONE let alone a
young child that has looked up to you as a father figure.
Unfortunately, this has been a great burden in my current
relationships. I know what I'm doing but do not know how
to stop it. I am now a very sexual person and if my
partner does not reciprocate the feelings that I have I
automatically assume that he does not want me... or does
not find me "attractive" and therefore I search
for that attention with someone else. This has been an
ongoing problem of mine. This was the only way my
step-father would pay attention to me is in a sexual way.
I would think that I would shy away from that type of
affection, but it's the only thing that keeps me going
sometimes. Anyway, I'm babbling now (probably due to
nervousness) so I will stop. But I want to thank you
again for taking the time to respond. And to the person
that recommended the book....I will definately go and
find it...I need all the help I can get!
From: trish
isis, God Bless you, hon. thank you isis for having
the courage to reach out. if i had only knew how to reach
out to someone 20 plus years ago i could have avoided so
many destructive journeys in my life. first i really
didn't know how to ask for help. i really didn't. even
over all of these years, i really wanted someone. i
wanted someone to listen. but i have a real personal
thing with trust. during all my travels and all the
people i have met and cared about, i just never felt the
freedom to talk about the me inside to anyone.
when i was 17, i met a wonderful young man, (i was
seeing someone else that i thought i was madly in love
with), my oldest brother (and biggest abusers in my life)
died after hanging on for 2.5 years from wounds incurred
in viet nam. home was unbearable, i married that
wonderful young man, and married into his wonderful
christian family who showed me love like i had never seen
before. i never got one hug or i love you growing up.
really. my mother seemed to resent me all of my life,
which is another story. anyway this family brought out
all the love that had been hidden away in me all of my
life. i found a church and turned my life over to God.
had 3 wonderful children, lived in a beautiful house.
then divorced this wonderful man so that i could find
myself. (i was frigid throughout our marriage). gave up
everything we had worked for because he was such a
wonderful man. (we were married for 6 years, even in the
paper for being such a perfect, loving couple).
well i went out and got my career, and did the things
i felt i had missed out on. the men and the sex were only
the hugs i really wanted. i felt so misunderstood. after
7 years i felt that i should be a better example for my
children. met a man that was drawn to my independence and
we moved in together. one night he beat the living
daylights out of me because i had asked him if we could
just do McDonalds instead of me cooking, due to a long
day at the park with the children, getting them packed up
to goto grandmas to go camping, etc.. he beat me in front
of his 3 year old son, who cried and pleaded daddy please
don't hurt her. he nearly killed me. that was a friday,
sunday i covered my bruises and went to pick up the
children. married this man about 2 months later. promised
God i would stay till death and honor the vow. (i failed
at the first marriage, this was my punishment). i went
thru 6 years of mental and physical abuse. during that
time, i learned a whole lot about myself, never knowing
if i would be alive in the morn. the divorce is again,
another story. that was in 1989.
i now live over 500 miles from my home town. for the
first time in my life i'm not responsible for anybody but
me. well i have finally found out what this love yourself
stuff is all about isis. i've had the last 8 years and
God as my counselor to show me. self love sounded so
'selfish' to me. i loved others, i protected others, i
took care of others. for the first time in my life, i now
know how to love my self. for the first time in my life i
have inner peace and i think total control in my life. no
one taught me how to love, no one showed me how to love.
isis, don't take this route, read these wonderful, honest
postings, read the books recommended, use this forum to
let your heart out, no one is going to say 'you're a bad
girl', you brought that on yourself, etc. that's what i
was afraid of, i'm sure. most important, get you self
respect. be honest to your relationships, if they don't
understand then so be it. move on. don't settle. you are
like a child all over again, but you know what, no one
can hurt you now, and no one can do those things that
don't feel right. try to get on the right path, and when
you slide off of it, just say oops, and get back up again
and keep on till you get it right. love your courage and
you girl.
From: Isis
Trish.... I have to let you know that I don't think I
have ever really cried as I did when I just read your
response. I pray that you are NOT still in that abusive
relationship. I completely feel for what you are/did go
through. Although MY abuser was not a partner or spouse
of mine... my abuser (I guess I should clarify) my
PHYSICAL abuse was my father.... emotional abusers, well
that just about covers everyone in my family. My
step-father (as you know) molested me, and I guess that
you could consider that physical abuse, but I catorgorize
that more in the emotional abuse. My mother for
completely denying my emotional distress and taking him
back after a few years (only for sexual reasons) and
forbidding me to talk about it to anyone...including my
therapist that I had at the time. My grandparents for
verbally abusing me ....calling me names as a result of
the molestation (slut, home-wrecker...etc) So, I guess
what I'm really saying is: (Well there are actually a
couple things)
First, I don't think that you should give me any
credit for trying to reach out to anyone....if anything I
feel like I can't talk to anyone unless, of course, it's
on some silent, non-identifying forum where I CAN speak
freely and don't have to fear that my feelings aren't
valid.Anyway, I'm kind of babbling here, I guess cause I
can :) But I do want to say that I sincerely hope that
you are not in that relationship any more. No one
deserves that. And I do know that you have a strong
religious feeling about keeping your marital vows as a
sacred thing...I respect that...However, if he can't
respect you in the same fashion, it's not worth it.
(Isn't it funny that we can give out advise that we
should use ourselves....but it seems so much easier when
you don't have to comply yourself). I hope that
everything works out for you and your children.
From: isis
Trish... I don't think I've cried so much for so long.
I don't know why I AM crying... I guess it's just a sweet
thing that all of you are here. Even if this goes
completely unnoticed, it has still enabled me to write
and release and I want to thank you all for that. I am
very glad that you DID get out of your abusive
relationship, I know that physical abuse is also one of
the hardest things to get away from, so to that I commend
you.
I know that I still have a lot of issues to work
through, and I hope that I can one day go and live a
"normal" life, have "normal"
relationships with men, try and have a "normal"
family life. But it all comes back to that forgiveness
thing again. I want to thank "luise" for
sharing her thoughts, but Luise, if you read what I wrote
before, I am having the hardest time forgiving my
step-father. I know that one day he will meet his maker
and he will have to deal with that at that time, but I
really don't think that he cares as of now. (You know
what really burns my butt is that he is now in the
process of becoming a preacher, and out of respect for my
mother and my half-sister I won't say anything to anyone
regarding his attempted position) You see, my mother,
from day one of learning what he did has made me feel
that I was the bad one. "It wasn't THAT bad. You
didn't have it as bad as I did. MY father did it to me
and it was my REAL father." Those are the types of
things that I've had to hear from my mother.
She didn't want me to tell my haf-sister what
happened, because she didn't want her to have a
"tainted" view of her father. He has never done
anything to her (to my knowledge) and she didn't want the
"Perfect" father for my sister to be ruined.
Well, when I finally did tell her, all hell broke loose.
All of a sudden it was because I had some sort of
alternate plan to destroy this vision of her father
because MY dad was a bad father. So, I guess that's the
whole reason that I haven't said anything to anyone
eslse, is because I know that if I do....that I will be
that bad one again. (Once again...I am babbling and I
apologize).
So, Luise, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I
wish I could forgive, but there are so many things that
are hurting inside me that I can't find it in me... that
part that can just let things go... to forgive him. I
think that if I could ask him "Why? Why me? What did
I do wrong to make you choose me? Why did you make me
feel as if it were my fault?" and get some answers
that maybe I could forgive...but for now I need that help
in finding that spot... to reach far down inside and take
that hurt and let it all go. Phew! I think that I'm done
for today...just wanted to thank you and reply.
From: trish
please speak out silently, please, first NO, i'm not
in that, any of that anymore. my daughters and i with the
"congress of Hawaii" fled hawaii, and i got my
divorce back in 1989. honey, i kept silent as a child
because my mother couldn't deal with it, as her
generation couldn't. my cousins refused to let any of us
girls talk because they couldn't handle it. my oldest
brother, who was our father figure in the house did
terrible things to me. would hold a pillow on my face and
say ok let's see how long before you black out. he was
the one that thought it was funny to allow his best
friend to rape me while he kept watch (i was between
6-7). that was the only time i was penetrated, all the
rest of the garbage was molesting by my brother, cousins
father, my uncle, my mothers boyfriend. much more
garbage. isis, i kept quiet, God, i couldn't say anything
about my brother, he would have made life worse, BUT when
her boyfriend did it (she was pregnant) i did go to her,
like you, dag gone denial.
Love what was love, self respect, what was that. i
really think i related love to abuse and that's why i
justified my second husbands abuse. but like you honey, i
confused sex, with wanting to be cared about. what i'm
saying now is don't do it anymore, get your head on
straight. first respect your body. start feeling about
yourself the way you want and expect others to. DON'T
settle, however, like i said, if you slip, just say oops,
i'll give more thought to that next time. START doing
what feels right to you. it takes time. now, for all
those adults that should know better, honey, they don't
know better. again, accept them, pray for them, and begin
to stop taking their remarks personal. just start, day at
a time, and baby HOLD that head up high. it's not easy,
but life 'ain't easy', but the more control we put into
our lives, believe it or not, it does get easier. like i
said, first get your self respect intact. get to the
point where you can look anyone and everyone in the eye,
and know you have a clear concious. and yes isis, you are
braver than you know.
From: Bernd
I just want to add a tiny bit here. As much as we
think the abusers aren't suffering more than us, I think
that's an illusion. As long as they don't own up to what
they did, or make amends, they will forever be blocked
off from knowing true love. The only thing they'll be
able to get in touch with is the plastic stuff, the
illusion. Their denial and lies will forever create a
wall that blocks them from any real meaning of their
life. Their life will remain one big distraction from
what they keep running away from inside - the truth. To
live your life deluding yourself you have substance, when
all you really have is an empty shell has to be a hell of
the worst kind. When they approach death's door, I think
the terror of what they've done - and the realization
they've waited too late to change direction - has to be a
terror of the worst kind.
We keep walking toward the light in our healing. They
are forever cut off from it, as long as they hold onto
their denial.
From: trish
bernd, i now have my opportunity to express to you
that you are truely gifted. you touched my heart sometime
back in april with a posting in re: hang on or let go. i
look forward to every reply because you can say, what i
feel, but can't define. thank you.
From: trish
good morning isis, hope these words will put some
"hope" into your day. Forgiveness. believe it,
one morning you will wake up and everything will be
crystal clear. for the first time you will be able to
step back and look at you family with love, compassion
and understanding. you shared something with me last
night, you said your mother said "you don't have it
bad , i had it so much worse". so did my mom, so
much worse, maybe, that's what always helps me when i'm
wronged, is i try to look at the other persons life. then
wow, we realize yea they did have it worse and yea i am
better off. not better off for the actions that are going
on, but because we are capable of SEEING how they are
dealing with their 'confusion'. honey, we actually get
stronger and more self confident, when we let go of
ourselves and "see where others are coming
from". it's not the 'action', it's why they react or
do what they do. i'll stop for now so i don't get too
wordy. at a later time i want to share with you, how i
came to realize just how strong my mother had to be, and
how after i realized she did the best she knew, i wanted
to hold her as if she was the child. by the way, that is
what happened later in my life, after i got myself
together, i became the comforter to my family, i became
my mothers supporter, and took care of my brother the
last 2.5 years of his life. life has so many twists and
turns, so again, hang in there and set your sites to get
on the right path, and accept that we will stumble and
walk down that dark alley, but just look for the light
and get back on the road. take my hand, hon. my prayers
and thoughts are with you, i care what happens to you.
From: Isis
Trish, Again, you've touched me. I feel as if you know
exactly what I've gone through because you have had to
deal with a lot of the same issues. I have had to be the
"comforter" to my mother almost my entire life.
I know that my purpose in life is to help others (don't
ask me why...I can't even help myself...but I CAN help
others) and I've always been the "adult" in my
mothers and my relationship. Although sometimes it can be
very frustrating because there are those times that I
need my "mom" to listen and not to disregard
anything that I've said because HER life has been so much
more than mine. I know that she's had it hard, and I've
tried helping her with that... but there are those times
when I need to say "Here is what happened and I need
to talk and not be judged for anything, just because I
need to tell someone" . I know that my mother has
had a very hard life. She, herself, had to deal with all
types of abuse...and I take all of her hurt all of the
time (because I am the caretaker of my family) and I
listen and I cry with her and try to make everything
better... but one day I'd like to have my turn. I know
that may sound selfish, but I know that I need to. (Maybe
that's why I'm here...just to let it all out). Sorry
Trish...I keep babbling, but I can't even think straight
half the time. I don't expect anyone to understand what
I'm saying but like I said it's just a very good release.
I will stop for now.
From: trish
isis, i am pulling my self up off the floor. i could
have wrote your words, word for word. ever since you
touched my heart a memory has been flooding through me. i
have a "writing" by an unknown author that is
on listening, i will dig it out of my files and share it
with you. i had made a copy of it and gave it to my
mother, the line i remember most goes something like,
please just listen, i'm not asking for advice, listen ( i
will find it, you must read it) like i said it has been
flooding my thoughts since you and i shared. after she
read it, she lost it, you would have thought that i just
told her i hated her. she didn't speak to me for weeks.
isis, i am 46 years old, all of my life all i ever wanted
was for someone to listen, mostly my mother. when i went
to her to tell her i was leaving my first husband (the
good guy) i wanted her to do everything in her power to
tell me not to (not that i would have listened), but it
was like she wanted me to be as miserable as she was. i
think i don't have to say anymore about that, i feel
deeply that you understand. i have goose bumps all over
me. going to go look for that writing.
From: trish
ON LISTENING (by RALPH ROUGHTON, M.D.)
When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving
advice, you have not done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell
me why I shouldn't feel that way, you are trampling on my
feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have
to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me,
strange as that may seem.
Listen---All I asked was that you listen, not talk or
do,---just hear me.
Advice is cheap: 10 cents will get you both Dear Abby
and Billy Graham in the same nespaper.
And I can do for myself. I'm not helpless. Maybe
discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.
When you do something for me that I can and need to do
for myself, you contribute to my fear and inadequacy.
But, when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel
what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can quit
trying to convince you and can get about the business of
understanding what's behind this irrational feeling. And
when that's clear, the answers are obvious and I don't
need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when we understand
what's behind them.
Perhaps that's why prayer works, sometimes for some
people--because God is mute, and he/she doesn't give
advice or try to fix things. "They" just listen
and let you work it out for yourself.
Please listen and just hear me. And, if you want to
talk, wait a minute for your turn, and I'll listen to
you.
From: Isis
Trish, Thank you for sending "Listening" to
me. I want to thank you for taking the time to listen to
me. You have been a great cyber-shoulder for me to cry
and let go on, for that I thank you from the bottom of my
heart. I don't think I have to tell you how much I DO
appreciate that, because I feel that you know how I do
feel for the most part... I feel a very strong connection
with you (almost as if I don't have to say anything,
you've been there) But thank you for allowing me to say
it anyway :) If I can ever be YOUR listener, please let
me know. It feels so good to be able to let that all go
(although I doubt if I will ever be free of all of it,
but I am on my way).
From: trish
good morning, see, without you even realizing it, you,
have been a blessing to me. you have listened, and you
understand. i have never shared, what i have shared with
you these last few days, and it is such a release and
puts warmth in my heart. thank you, isis, good friend.
you have reached a deep dark corner of my life. will
share more later,
From: trish
"on listening" really tore my mother up, and
like i said, she didn't speak to me for weeks. but i was
learning to stop struggling with trying to make her into
the mom i felt i so desperately needed. my adult life
with my mother was very bumpy, but of course was use to
it. i was the one to start putting my arms around her and
saying i love you (she was very uncomfortable), but i
went ahead. i was always (all my life) respectful to my
mom. anyway, i fixed her up with a man from work. i was
in management, he was on the crew. they were together
everyday for 6 years. during that 6 years we became
friends. you know the kind of friendship i'm talking
about., me there for her, but that was ok. she was
struggling on whether or not to marry him, and finally
decided to do it. i was living in central america at the
time with the abuser. i got a call, and mom said that she
had had a biopsy that came back benign would i come home
to go to the doctors with her for the tests required. i
knew she would not have had me travel that far unless she
really needed me. (being overseas, she apparently missed
me terribly).
i was back home within 48 hours, mom had got married
on July 5. 2 weeks after i got back home she died (august
31). before she died she said 'daughter, i was never
there for you, i never did for you" i said oh yes
you did, look at me mom (i was and am, self reliant,
caring, independent) i said mom you gave me the strength
to survive this mean ole world. mom had also given her
heart and life to god sometime before this. you know what
isis, even though i couldn't talk to her, she was my mom,
and i miss her. one more thing, my brother (the abuser)
had given his life to god before he died too.
|
