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 Trouble with my girlfriend -
Lonelyguy
I think that I have broken up with my girlfriend. We
have been going together for several years now. Two weeks
ago, after a stressful situation with her nephew at his
wedding, I began to feel physically ill. I told her that
I may have to go downstairs that night due to the
physical way that I felt. The next morning I was
scheduled to leave for my home (we live in separate
states about 230 miles away from each other). I told her
that I was not hungry, and would only drink coffee. She
became upset. We kissed goodbye. As soon as I could, I
phoned her to ask how her day went. I told her about me,
and the way I was feeling. She said "I am tried of
your crap."; and shortly after we hung up. I have
since tried to call her, but she will not answer the
phone. I leave messages on her answering machine. I asked
her (on the machine) to please tell me what she is so
pissed off about.
I don't know what to do. Should I write her a letter?
Should I go down there? What? I know that she wants to
get married. I am a widower. My wife died in 1987. We
were much in love. She was only 36. I was 44. My new
girlfriend is jealous of my memory of her. She recently
told me that she wants to get married; and if that was
not my intention to drop the relationship. I have done
nothing to follow up on her statement. I am afraid of
marriage now. I am very confused. I hurt inside. I don't
see why she will not talk to me.
 From: trish
Dear Mr. Lonelyguy, Going on just what you shared, I
think many clarifications may be needed, these are 'just
my immediate' feelings. First I am not hearing love, any
type of commitment, or understanding for your girlfriend.
(you said you have been 'going together' for several
years). I hear, at a family gathering (a wedding), a
stressful situation occurred, in which you needed to
excuse yourself. This tells me, your girlfriend had to
feel the stress also.
The next morning, you leave without any feelings being
discussed by both parties, yours and hers. Don't you
think this will harbor unfinished emotions, that with
each day, will escalate this 'unfinished business',
because it has not been discussed, and let go. She is now
upset and you know it. You have been calling and asking
her what she is so pissed about? Let me tell you, if I
may, what my reaction to those words would be. If I heard
those words on my answering machine, or in person, I
would immediately turn around and say, "Pissed, if
that is what you think, then you have not been
listening". I would then feel no need to talk to the
person. Why would I. Do you understand this reaction?
When those words have been spoken to me, I feel as though
I'm immediately being condemned for feeling, thinking,
for having a brain. Those words make me feel as though my
feelings don't count and are to be dismissed.
You wrote that your girlfriend is jealous of your
memories of your marriage of 10 years ago and wants to
know your intent towards her. Dear sir, you told her, by
your unspoken words. Also, and I say this with sadness,
if your memory is so prevalent in your life today, then
'maybe' your loneliness is from not starting to live
again. Sometimes a memory is a comfortable retreat. Just
a few thoughts to think about, please don't fear to reach
out.
From: Josie
Are you sure that your girlfriend hasn't got a point?
I mean was it not difficult for her to deal with the
situation at the wedding too? When she said that she was
fed up with 'your crap' perhaps she has had to deal in
more that one occasion with your lack of support
perhaps?? I can't know because I am not her. But reading
between the lines that is what it sounds like. It is
really difficult to cope with the bereavement of somebody
you loved but it has been 10 years now and it is
obviously still very painful for you and very painful for
your girlfriend to have to live in the shadow of your
late wife. It is really not fair on her. Do you honestly
love your girlfriend? Or are you still so taken by the
memory of wife that there is no room in your life to love
anybody else? It is time to start living again and if you
don't want to live with her you should come out with it
and be honest until you do she will carry on feeling like
you are not really committed and I don't blame her.
From: Isis
You will have to bear with me here...as many people
here on the forum know....I BABBLE....so bear with me
please. I am trying to look at your situation from both
view points (and with all the information that you have
given us). From her side: First, I am thinking that maybe
she doesn't think that you care for her the way that you
loved your wife....or with similar affection at least (no
one can "replace" a loved one). Maybe that is
why she feels as if she needs to lash out at you (About
your "crap" or whatever).
HOWEVER....(this is me speaking now from a neutral
side)... I also see her trying to put you in a situation
that you may not be ready for and I think that she needs
to respect you and your feelings (re: marriage). IN
ADDITION: I also do not hear that there is a lot of love
between the two of you....maybe it's just what I've
seen...I could be wrong (I don't know all the
facts)...but if you do not feel love for her and if she
doesn't show love and understanding then maybe it's for
the best that you two are NOT together...better for the
both of you. Perhaps you still need time to grieve (Quick
question: how long after your wife passed away did you
begin dating?) Maybe there are some other issues that YOU
need to deal with regarding your wife's unfortunate
passing, or maybe even other things that may be in the
back of your mind that you need to work on. Before you
can be all you can be for your mate you need to be all
you can be for yourself (sounds like I'm recruiting for
the Army...sorry I told you I babble). I wish you well.
From: Lady "G"
Hi, Sorry to read about your girlfriend's attitude,
but I know exactly how you feel about being afraid of
marriage (again). I'm also in the same situation as to
being with someone I was really in love with and it was
very difficult to let go, but I had to do it for my sake,
but as far as of course your memories from your past, it
is very understandable. It is quite scary to be involved
with someone all over again, and it does take a lot of
time and if your girlfriend truly loves and cares for
you, she should be more patient with your feelings and
respect that as well.. I wish you a lot of luck with her.
Perhaps this is good that it's happening now where you
see how this girl really is rather than be committed to
someone that might not last anyway. For my point of view,
I respect your feelings with being frightened with being
committed. It is very difficult for us to open up what's
been blocking for a long time to prevent any hurtfulness
in the near future. Take Care and WE are all here for
you.
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