 The guilty one - Katy
Married white female. It's a long story. My husband
was given up for adoption as a small child. We found his
mother a year ago. In the past year, I've been put on the
back burner while everyone was catching up on the past
thirty years. I got lonely, and a biological cousin of
his made a pass at me and I responded. It wasn't an
affair or ever actual sex, but it was wrong. My husband
found out. We both want to make our marriage work, but
I'm having trouble helping him cope. He's basically
non-functional now, forgetting things, uncomfortable in
public, paranoid, etc. How am I supposed to deal with
this new behavior, plus reconcile my own feelings, plus
reconcile our marriage?
 From: mzet
you have a lot more going for the two of you than you
realize. if you are sincere about what happened and about
your wanting to save the marriage it is more highly
probable than other cases, like mine, where my ex-wife
did have a full blown affair. you need to understand that
you have shattered your husband's life, even if there was
no sex involved. he will go through a period of hell
where he is going to have to heal within. that your pass
at his cousin had such a traumatic effect points to areas
within himself that he needs to work on.
you also need to work on your own sense of guilt. that
should point to some areas that you need to work on: why
did you feel so lonely, why did you become so vulnerable,
etc. let him go through his grieving period. offer as
much support and affection as he is willing to receive
from you. and be patient. this may take several months.
I also suggest you both go to counseling to sort out
your feelings in a structured way. there are several good
books out on affairs that will help you understand what
each party goes through. I think some of them are posted
in the resource area of this web page. encourage him to
read also. read Bernd's postings on affairs.
From: wolfie (kim)
Dearest Dearest Katy, I do not think you shattered
your husbands life!! I don't think anyone has that
responsibility! Your husband is responsible for his
feelings and what he chooses to do, at all times, and you
are responsible for your feelings and your actions. at
all times. It sounds to me that you both have your hands
full and have for some time.
It sounds to me that you are taking responsibility for
your actions and are learning a lot in the process!!!
Lighten up on yourself. What you felt, I feel, is quite
natural. But you didn't act on it - Be grateful! Forgive
yourself!!!!!!! You see, I feel that when we are in
relationship it is soul work we are up to. The truth is,
no one really has the power to make us happy or unhappy -
we do these things to ourselves. Our happiness is our
responsibility and it comes from within.
I don't want to get off the subject here. It sounds to
me that you and your husband need to have a talk - a long
talk and get some feelings out. Therapy may help at this
time. But keep in mind, that the way your husband is
acting is not your responsibility. What can you do? You
can pray for guidance and for strength. You can pray that
your husband finds his way and is given strength. You can
suggest counseling. You can get counseling yourself if he
chooses not to go.
From: Josie
Most women start marriage feeling sure that they will
be monogamous in their marriages. Various polls and
surveys show that fidelity is still the overwhelming
ideal of brides. However, life sometimes interferes with
dreams, and as marriage progresses, wives find themselves
in situations that set the stage for an extramarital
affair.
An study of 600 women who had affairs illustrated that
the first and most common situation that lead to
infidelity was a lack of emotional intimacy from their
husbands. In other words the affair, was in essence a
reaction to the quality of the marriage and most felt
that they had been emotionally 'let down' by their
husbands. OK... So you didn't even get to the 'full blown
affair' stage but the reason why your 'crush' happened
was perhaps because there too, was something missing in
the marriage and the fantasy of having an attachment with
his cousin happened because there was an unmet need for
emotional intimacy with your husband.
It seems reading from your letter that you felt very
left out at the time when your husband found his mother.
It must have been a tremendously draining situation for
him emotionally which brought to the surface all sorts of
mixed feelings: pain, elation, insecurity... The fact
that his own cousin made a pass at you must have been
particularly difficult for him at a time when he was
trying to deal with all these emotions about his family.
I really don't believe for a moment that you have
shattered his life.
For Goodness' sake!... I mean, he made a pass at you
and you felt wanted at the time. Can anyone honestly say
they have never felt tempted because they are in a
relationship?? Do all feelings for the opposite sex
disappear when you marry? Ideally perhaps, but in reality
they don't. The important thing is that it didn't go any
further. This to me says that you love and feel loyalty
towards your husband. He must accept some responsibility
for what happened as it sounds like you were very much
taken for granted and your emotional needs weren't being
met.
You do have a right to your own feelings too. You
know?...He is ultimately responsible for how he feels and
to make you feel that you have destroyed his life to the
point you describe is most unfair. I feel that part of
the reason he is feeling like he is, is because what has
happened about finding his mother and your brief
attraction to his cousin could be an excuse for the way
that he is feeling. You both might feel that what has
happened is a disaster to your marriage, however, you can
change your gloomy attitude. Guilt is such a powerful
destroying emotion.
You can change your gloomy attitude. Think instead,
that your attraction served a positive purpose. It can
provide you and your husband with the opportunity to make
you marriage better, to correct whatever was wrong
before, to deal openly and constructively with problems
that had not been aired previously. For that Katy, you
must start to like yourself again so that you can both
heal together. Lots of love to you and best wishes.
From: bdd
I know how you feel...I am a mwf and did the same
thing...to the same man...3 times. It hurts to see him
hurting like this....it is such a long story but I don't
know if we will survive this one. I hate myself for doing
this to my family..I love them so much. I feel so alone
and ashamed. I have not eaten and can hardly sleep. I am
afraid I am falling into a depression.
From: Josie
Please, please bbd stop hating yourself. you must look
after yourself. You say you "don't know how you
could do that to your family. By not sleeping or eating
you are not going to make your self better. Please, trust
me. I went through the same in my last marriage with a
man that made me feel very special, and important. I
became clinically depressed because, like you I could not
sleep or eat with the resulting loss of weight and
feeling totally ill and eventually not being able to take
care of my family.
Stop punishing yourself. Guilt, guilt, guilt... Even
now in a happy relationship I feel it sometimes. But now
too, with hindsight I can see why it happened and how a
marriage that superficially seemed fine was really
lacking in real communication and emotionally. We just
went through the motions but had grown apart. Does this
ring any bells with you?
Do you have an insight into why these affairs
happened?? If you feel your depression is getting beyond
control you should really seek professional help. You
might need to take some anti depressants. They take a few
weeks to work but should make you feel better enough for
you to think clearly. They won't take away the cause of
the depression for that you'll have to do some inner
searching and maybe if you can, get some counseling on
your own or if your husband agrees with him. My heart
goes out to you...
From: trish
Dear Katy, I believe there is a blessing waiting
within each pain, and it is left up to us to uncover it.
Maybe, just maybe, your 'actions' with the help of a
therapist or counselor will reveal to your husband 'why
his mother could give him up'. Even though your husband
has 'found' his mother, he must still be dealing with 30
years of 'why's' and resentment. Maybe, if you both reach
out together (and I do hear that) with the help of an
outsider to help define the emotions and heart ache you
both are going through, your lives, will become richer
and fuller.
What am I talking about? Maybe, when your husband sees
and understands that his natural mother, was and is
human, and made a decision on her existing situation at
the time, and made the only choice she did have or felt
she had, then maybe he will accept that it was not him,
personally, that she "gave" up. Maybe he will
see that she loved him more than he ever realized.
As far as "what you did" from what I have
read, I see a woman that needed a hug through all the
emotion that she was surrounded by and as a human does,
wanted some attention. We both know, it was the wrong
choice, but you don't need to be reminded of that. Again,
I feel a blessing here if you are both in this together.
It goes without saying, there will be effort involved,
but hon, it will be worth it.
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