 Infidelity with an alcoholic -
cancer
Hi never did this before...have known a man for almost
four years. Dated him then broke if off due to his
alcoholism. Called me a year later to let me know he was
sober. Forgot to mention he was married. Nothing physical
happened tho, just friends. His wife was abusive, he has
moved in and out of my house twice and is on the third
try. He is now a practicing alcoholic for about a year
and a half. Has lived here for ten months. Has had a
heart attack, second event and an angioplasty. I lost my
job but luckily found another very quickly. Found out he
was having an affair with a woman at work for the past
three months, since his angioplasty. I have asked him to
leave, he owes me money, he wants to be
"friends". How do I get past this pain and move
on with my life? Also, what is your assessment of my part
in this? He seems to be dragging his feet and I have
given him a deadline of of the end of the month. I need
to find a way out of this. Any advice?
 From: trish
Dear cancer, Short and sweet. HE'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM. I
had a very similar situation, where, bottom line, he was
just using my kind heart, He was an alcoholic. Everytime
I asked him to leave, he'd have a tantrum, so to speak.
Come to find out, during the absences, he was having
short term relationships.
I have seen too many times, that something 'drastic'
has to happen before we can finally finalize a disruptive
relationship. My suggestion, stand firm, take a stand,
stick by it, and get him out of your house. And don't
take no for an answer, if you prolong it, it will only
get worse for you. An assessment, sounds like you are
just as human as anybody else, gave the guy a chance, and
he showed his true self. Just my thoughts.
From: Josie
I agree completely with Trish that he is not your
problem. The guy I had the affair with, had an alcohol
problem. That's one of the reasons I started to love him.
Although originally I really resented my ex-husband
bringing him stay home with us without consulting me, I
my annoyance changed to pity, when he said he had
cirrhosis of the liver, due to his drinking problem. He
also told us that the doctor had given him "three
months to live" unless he managed to quit the
drinking. I DESPERATELY wanted to help him because he had
no one around for him and wanted to show him that
somebody did care about him as a human being. (That was
way before the 'affair') Trying to help him COMPLETELY
drained me and although he did stop try to stop drinking,
I had to realize that I simply had taken on too much when
he blamed me for increasing his drinking after the
'affair' stopped. IT IS, his problem dear Cancer...He'll
only bring you down with him until HE hits his lowest
point and might want to do something about it. Look after
YOURSELF Cancer.
By the way, that was six years ago and he is still
very much alive, I hear.....Which makes me doubt what he
told me originally.
From: Cindi
I was in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic
and a practicing sexaholic. He did an addiction switch
when he gave up drinking. When I ask him to leave he
broke things in my house and was verbally abusive to me.
I finally got a restraining order and the police escorted
him out. The order also states that he cannot contact me
by phone or other communications. It is a drastic step,
but one I felt I had to take to get this person out of my
life.
You ask what your part in this was, I can only tell
you what my part in my relationship was. One, I was
dating and living with a recovering alcoholic and had not
taken the time to research alcoholism. Most of his
behaviors are classic behaviors for the alcoholic.
Including switching addictions. I would not go to a movie
without first trying to find out something about it, yet
I chose to live with a person without knowing anything
about his illness. I have since read alot about
addictions.
Second, I took his word that others in his life had
been at fault for his troubles. (He told you his wife was
abusive). I never ask the other people what their
interaction with him had been. I walked into this
relationship completely blind and I only have myself to
blame for that.
Third, staying and thinking that someone will change
or that I can change them. I don't have to the power to
change anyone else. And they will not change unless they
want to. I am taking the opportunity to learn something
from this experience, so that maybe in the future I can
avoid repeating the mistakes I made.
From: Josie
You are so 'right on' with your answer Cindi. The guy
I got involved with HAD switched to drinking after he
gave cocaine up. I, like you also took his word for the
truth when he said that all his problems and misery had
been caused by people (women, in particular) letting him
"down".
From: cancer
Thanks for your thoughts and well wishes. They are
important at a time like this and they makes sense.
Please keep talking to me. I believe I am doing the right
thing in asking him to leave. I'm using some of the tools
from Alanon to get through this. Hope it works. This is a
new experience for me. I think a learning experience as
well. I'll be in touch...
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