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 Need Advice on Moving On - BuddyJ
I would like some outside opinions involving
relationships. First some background. About three and a
half years ago I met a girl whom I think I fell in love
with. About four months after we met, she told me she was
a stripper in her spare time. I also learned her family
environment while growing up was much less secure than
mine. Her parents sold pot for a living and her dad had a
gambling problem which eventually left him on the street
(when she was about 12 years old, I am 28 now she is 25).
Thereafter she had an eating disorder, the one where you
don't eat because you think you’re fat when
you’re not. This all happened long before I met her.
She overcame the eating disorder but then had what I
would called a shopping disorder. She bought things to
cheer herself up, running up her credit card bills.
One of her boyfriends she lived with turned out to be
a convicted child molester and when she found out, he
proceeded to have all of her belongings (except her
clothes) stolen from the place they lived in before she
could move out. She turned to stripping to raise the cash
to pay off her bills and replace the things that got
stolen. Anyway, naturally when I put all this together,
it painted a pretty grim picture for the future in my
mind. I didn’t think we were compatible since I cam
from a very stable, caring family (my parents are still
happily married). However, she said she would stop
stripping and I thought I would give her the benefit of
the doubt. I really loved this person and could tell she
was a good person inside. I suggested that she be on her
own for a while since she just broke up with a boyfriend
but she somehow convinced me to continue our
relationship. A few months later I found items that left
me to believe she was still stripping. Now stripping
isn't necessarily a bad thing to do but it really ended
up bothering me to the point that it affected my
appetite! (nothing ever had done that to me). I talked to
a counselor about it when I first found out. The
counselor said that in my mind, stripping was very wrong,
and that was really what mattered here. So she was doing
something that my value system was telling me was very
wrong and it was tearing me apart. She said she would
stop stripping for sure, and I gave her a second chance
realizing it would be extremely difficult for someone to
adjust from making $3,000 per week to $500 per week.
About six months later she started doing it again
behind my back and then finally stopped when I caught
her. To her it was just a job. To me it was a serious
betrayal of my trust. That was about two years ago or one
and a half years into the relationship. Thereafter the
relationship went pretty well until about six months ago
when she started complaining that I wasn't as
affectionate as I used to be at the beginning of the
relationship. I told her it was natural for that to
happen as time goes on, the courting period was over.
Unfortunately this turned into a bigger problem than I
thought was necessary, probably because of the difference
in our upbringings: she needed more reassurance and
physical affection to feel secure, I didn't need it and I
didn’t really give it. In my mind I decided leopards
don't change their spots so I told her I would try to be
more open and affectionate but not to expect some big
personality change, I am a pretty reserved person.
Since it was three and a half years into the
relationship the idea of marriage started to come into
the picture about this time. In her mind it was an almost
for sure thing. In my mind, especially in light of the
apparent recent apparent incompatibility that had arisen,
I wasn't sure I could spend the rest of my life with this
person, but I wasn't sure I couldn't. I decided that time
would tell. Well it did tell, I caught her cheating on me
about a month ago. The funny thing is when I tell people
this, they immediately put 100% of the blame on her.
Actually I feel I was probably partially to blame because
I wasn't giving her the attention she needed so she
looked for it elsewhere. However that doesn't make what
she did right. Looking back, I almost think subconciously
she did it on purpose because she felt I may have not
loved her anymore but she didn't have the guts to break
up so she gave me a reason to do it. She didn't expect to
get caught though and the guy means nothing to her. She
still tells me how much she loves me and misses me and
wants to spend the rest of her life with me. I wonder if
she forgot about all her dissatisfaction she expressed
with me in the past few months.
Also looking back, I think after the second time I
caught her stripping, I closed up somewhat and never
opened back up for the next two years which might explain
why she said I wasn’t as affectionate or attentive
and started questioning my love. Anyway, what I have
determined is that at this point I owe it to myself to
move on and meet new people to see if there is someone
out there that is more compatible. Maybe then will the
picture be clear once and for all whether it was meant to
be with this girlfriend. The break-up actually has been
much less hard for me than her, I think since we spent so
little time together during the final months.
My problem is that I still care about her and I feel
like I am abandoning her. But some say that is
co-dependence and I need to do what's right for myself
and let her be on her own and find her own happiness. In
order to meet new people and prevent myself from falling
back into my past relationship out of convenience, I
enrolled in one of those expensive dating services that
matches you to people they think you will be compatible
with. I don't have the time or resources to meet many
people any other way and I am a bit afraid I will fall
back into my old relationship out of convenience unless I
meet some new people. However I am kind of feeling guilty
about doing it only a month after my break up with my old
girlfriend still telling me how much she loves me and how
much she misses our cats. I think I am doing the right
thing but I am not sure. I think I would have had to date
some other people eventually just to be sure about my
feelings for her. Does that make sense?
I think the real problem is that I am afraid I WILL
meet someone I am much more compatible with while she
waits around for me. I am scared of the day I will have
to tell her I am engaged, if that happens, it will
devastate her. I have clearly expressed to her that I
will be dating other people and to not wait around. I
think it goes in one ear and out the other. What do you
think? Am I doing the right thing at the right time?
 From: Bernd
Dear Buddy, First of all, thanks for the very
from-the-heart sharing. A few comments which might help
you in your searching. It is my firm belief that we pick
partners who can help us learn the most about ourselves.
There's something subconscious that seeks out the very
type of partners that we "logically" think are
incompatible with us. My guess is that it is highly
likely that this woman was sexually abused as a child,
either overtly, or in insidious ways. She had a shitty
childhood. Her stripping is probably the only way she's
found to have some sense of power over her life. Without
an education, most women make crappy wages. And she
hasn't been given much of a feeling of self-worth by her
parents. My wife was sexually abused as a child - the
addictions (eating, etc.) are a desperate way to try to
handle that pain, to have SOME illusion of control, when
their inner self has been devastated by childhood abuse.
The book "Women Who Love Too Much", and it's
sequel would be an eye-opener for you, I think. Written
by a woman who struggled with her own addictions, it
would very likely give you a lot of insight into her, and
into yourself.. why you chose this girl to have a
relationship with.
When we hold up our partner in a relationship to our
standards, our values, we are exercising control, not
love. Our partner, because they are "changing for
us", become less of themselves, and that makes them
cling even more. The more someone clings, the more we
back away inside - often without realizing it - because
deep inside, we know we can't fill that big hole they
have inside. It is only when I began accepting my wife
exactly as she was, that I gave the chance for true
healing inside her to begin. And I discovered there were
a lot of hidden things inside me that needed to be healed
as well. I don't think it matters a hoot whether we are
with someone in a relationship, or not. Each relationship
has some important lessons to teach us about what love
really is. When we learn those lessons, take those gifts,
the staying-together and so many other questions take
care of themselves. The more seriously you search for
what this relationship was trying to teach you, the more
you'll begin to see your ex in a new light, and yourself.
The more you'll be able to treat her with genuine love,
whether together or apart, and the more healing and joy
each new relationship will give you.
One of the ironic things is that so many people say
"I'll never get into THAT kind of relationship
again", yet find themselves getting into another
relationship that brings up the same old issues - like
picking a different flavour of ice cream. Different, but
exactly the same. What we don't learn in one
relationship, we'll repeat in the next. That's been my
experience; my relationship with my wife keeps offering
me a chance to find the real me, especially during the
painful times, and to heal childhood wounds, and to learn
how genuine love works, a little bit more each day. Good
luck. I hope you get some helpful comments from others.
Thanks again so much for sharing.
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