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 Unsure about everything - Darkstar
O.K. I met a guy. He seemed (seems) to be my ideal in
looks, intelligence, humor, well, everything I dreamed.
I'm so picky about the men I see. He just wants to date,
no relationship. He's concentrating on work. The guy I am
talking about is only part of the problem plus the
catalyst. I want him and can see part of him wants me,
too. But I know it won't happen no matter how bad I want
it to, because he doesn't want it to. Eventually, yes.
But it might be a year or two down the road. I have never
had a relationship before and I'm 28 years old. I want
one though. There's nothing wrong with me. I seem to be
(physically, intellectually) what men want and I have no
problem attracting them. That's not the problem. I get
really anxiety ridden when someone enters my life as a
love interest. I feel out of control. No eat, sleep. Why?
And this just about a guy to date. Not even a
relationship!
I feel as if I don't deserve a relationship if I have
no control. I need to practice this dating thing just
because I have limited experience. This is a self-imposed
limitation because I get so anxiety ridden. But if I
can't handle this, what makes me think I can handle a
real relationship. Another thing is I never felt I needed
people in my life - I'm sort of a loner. Now, suddenly, I
crave them. And I feel very lonely. It's weird and
frightening to change one's entire perspective and
doesn't add to my current situation. I'm a dreamer. I
never wanted the normal things in life: marriage, kids,
etc. It seemed boring. Now I'm not so sure. What else can
we depend on in life but family. Am I making sense? Any
advice or comments would be appreciated. Thank you. ( I
hope this didn't turn out to choppy!)
 From: Bernd
Your letter didn't seem choppy to me at all. You
mention the word control a few times. My experience is
that I needed a sense of control to keep me
"safe" from the deep pain of possible
rejection. Deep down I was afraid I really was unlovable,
and each rejection kinda confirmed that terrifying truth.
So it was a helluva lot safer for me to avoid
relationships, except during those times when I felt a
bit stronger, or the odds looked good. I had very few
relationships before I got married at age 24, and most
ended up with me being dumped, and feeling crushed. The
anxiety sounds familiar. It feels like a mixture of
pent-up uncontrollable hope and magic - maybe the fairy
tale of love will finally come true for us - and panic -
like being swept away on a magic carpet, only to find
it's sweeping us closer and closer to a door called
abandonment and despair. Ever had a dream where something
was chasing you and you couldn't move your legs to run
away?
What has helped me was staring a few bullshit lies in
the face, and reminding myself of the real truths. I AM
loveable, and if someone dumps me, it's a reflection of
them, not me. Also, the most important relationship I
need to focus on is the one with myself. The more I treat
myself well - letting myself be silly, playing, taking
small risks, etc. - the better I feel, and the less
dependant I am on others. Treating myself well also means
ACTIVELY looking for caring, supportive people, and
spending time with them as friends. I find these kind of
people in my therapist (I dumped 3 therapists before I
found this one), my support groups, and in my choice of
friends. Treating myself well also means taking time to
give, to share - like I do here, in the Relationship
Guide, and elsewhere. It comes back to me in many ways,
and it feels good.
You asked "what else can we depend on in life but
our family?" For me, the only thing I can depend on
is this moment. Whatever circumstances face me in this
moment, if I do the best I can, try to get the best guess
I can on what feels right and good inside, and take the
time to discover more of the spiritual and loving part of
me, I improve the odds that this moment will be okay, and
that the next moment will be a bit better.
My final thought. When I was writing the relationship
guide, it dawned on me that the daily thoughts were
useful not only in my relationship with my wife, but also
in my relationship with myself. When I apply a reading to
my friendship with myself, it works, and the better
relationship I have with me, the better relationship I
have with anyone else. Take care.
From: william
I was in a relationship with a girl for 2 and half
years. It was my first relationship and the hardest thing
I have every had to go threw. First, it might help to
tell you something about myself. I am 24 years old. I was
a part time college student and had a full time job when
I meet my girlfriend. We meet in a bar and we were
together everyday for our first year. Everything, was
magical for the first year. I guess that is to be
expected. However, the second year things started to
change for the worse. I contribute a lot of the problems
to myself. My mother was looking for away for me to pay
for college. In her quest we discovered that I had a
learning disability. and was diagnosed with add (not
ADHD). This was a hard time for me not only because it
lowered myself esteem but I felt she was looking down on
me. I tried to talk to my girlfriend about what was going
on and ask her to bare with me. Things only got worse we
fought over the dumbest things. I never really yelled at
her or lost control, but I avoided her. We both spent
more time with our friends and to make things worse I
moved back home because of my job. The distance between
were we worked and school made it hard for the both of us
to see each other as before. I was really struggling with
a calculus class, and spending even less time with her.
However, I did try to sit down with her on several
occasions and explain this would all pass. We discussed
marriage (I made it clear only after I graduated) and
thought we were doing ok. Then one night I went to a
local bar and found her dancing with someone else. To
make a long story short she dumped me for that guy. Turns
out he was a gynaecologist (that was another big blow to
myself esteem). It has been three of the worst months of
my life. We keep running into each other everywhere we
go. Her new boyfriend took a job out of town. About a
month ago she called and we went out. She told me that
she missed me and started to cry. I know she still loves
me ( I can see it in her eyes).
Before you make any judgements I must tell you I was
no saint to her. However, I did make it a point to
express my feelings to her on several occasions (positive
feelings). Meanwhile, we are about to start school and we
will see each other everyday. I finally got money to go
school because of my disability (quit my job). I have
learned a lot about myself and what I want out of life
threw this experience. I can honestly say there has been
several positive things to come out of this break up
(call it growing up or whatever). Now, I am not sure were
to go from here. I think she is having problems with
what's his name and I think I want her back. Well, I know
I want her back! Sure I should keep in mind that number
one she dumped me, number two if we got back together
could we work things out, and number three, most
important, she is still with him. Confused! Confused!
Confused!
From: Bernd
I can identify with you a bit re: your A.D.D. I have
struggled with biologically-based chronic depression all
my life, which made university a real struggle (even tho
I had graduated with honours from high school). I dropped
out, and have had a succession of low-paying jobs, and
periods of unemployment for the last 25 years. My
self-esteem took a helluva beating too.
Here are some thoughts that came to me while reading
your posting. We are all looking for security (i.e.
safety) in love - especially emotional. For many,
financial security plays a significant part of this. So
all else being equal, a gynaecologist is going to have
more hearts jumping than a ditch digger. The more a woman
wants or needs financial security from her partner, the
scarier it is when the possibility looms that her man is
going to have job and career problems.
But like in the song "Lying Eyes" by the
Eagles, sometimes we pay a huge price for "financial
security", like minimizing other things that may be
lacking in a relationship, especially emotional things.
It sounds like your girlfriend went to "where the
grass is greener", and found that she still wasn't
as happy as she thought she'd be. That's scary for her.
When we have problems in one relationship, 50% of
those problems are almost always our responsibility. We
deal with struggles, our inner pain, and other childhood
issues the best way we can, and whatever we haven't
healed continues to cause us problems in any new
relationship. My guess is that she'll continue having
difficulties no matter if she stays with him, or comes
back to you.
My hunch is if she comes back in your life, you'll
continue to be afraid that the same thing will happen
again. And the natural thing is to try to do whatever you
can to give her what you think she wants, as far as
reassurance, attention, and proving yourself in college.
I say that's the natural thing. But it usually doesn't
work. My suggestion is to begin looking at how you use
relationships - and this girl - to help you boost your
self-esteem, to help you feel loveable. Begin to search
for things that will help you feel better about yourself,
regardless of what direction this relationship goes. When
2 people depend on each other for feelings of self-worth
and inner safety, it's often like 2 people with sprained
ankles trying to walk together - they just end up
stumbling and tripping over each other, and eventually
hurting each other.
Give this girl the freedom to be with you, or not. The
less manipulated she feels, the safer she'll feel with
you, and that gives you the best chance for a caring
relationship with her, whether it ends up being just
friends, or lovers.
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