 I Think I want her back -
William
I was in a relationship with a girl for 2 and half
years. It was my first relationship and the hardest thing
I have every had to go threw. First, it might help to
tell you something about myself. I am 24 years old. I was
a part time college student and had a full time job when
I meet my girlfriend. We meet in a bar and we were
together everyryday for our first year. Everything, was
magical for the first year. I guess that is to be
expected. However, the second year things started to
change for the worse. I contribute a lot of the problems
to myself. My mother was looking for away for me to pay
for college. In her quest we discovered that I had a
learning dis. and was diagnosed with add (not adhd). This
was a hard time for me not only because it lowered myself
esteem but I felt she was looking down on me. I tried to
talk to my girlfriend about what was going on and ask her
to bare with me. Things only got worse we fought over the
dumbest things. I never really yelled at her or lost
control, but I advoided her. We both spent more time with
our friends and to make things worse I moved back home
because of my job.
The distance between were we worked and school made it
hard for the both of us to see each other as before. I
was really struggling with a calculus class, and spending
even less time with her. However, I did try to sit down
with her on several occasions and explain this would all
pass. We discussed marriage (i made it clear only after i
graduated) and thought we were doing ok. Then one night I
went to a local bar and found her dancing with someone
else. To make a long story short she dumbed me for that
guy. Turns out he was a gynecologist (that was another
big blow to myself esteem). It has been three of the
worst months of my life. We keep running into each other
everywhere we go. Her new boyfriend took a job out of
town. About a month ago she called and we went out. She
told me that she missed me and started to cry. I know she
still loves me ( i can see it in her eyes).
Before you make any judgements I must tell you I was
no saint to her. However, I did make it a point to
express my feelings to her on several occasions (positive
feelings). Meanwhile, we are about to start school and we
will see each other everyday. I finally got money to go
school because of my disability (quit my job). I have
learned a lot about myself and what I want out of life
threw this experence. I can honestly say there has been
several positive things to come out of this break up
(call it growing up or whatever). Now, I am not sure were
to go from here. I think she is having problems with
whats his name and I think I want her back. Well, I know
I want her back! Sure I should keep in mind that number
one she dumped me, number two if we got back together
could we work things out, and number three, most
important, she is still with him. Confused! Confused!
Confused!
 From: Bernd
I can identify with you a bit re: your A.D.D. I have
struggled with biologically-based chronic depression all
my life, which made university a real struggle (even tho
I had graduated with honours from high school). I dropped
out, and have had a succession of low-paying jobs, and
periods of unemployment for the last 25 years. My
self-esteem took a helluva beating too.
Here are some thoughts that came to me while reading
your posting. We are all looking for security (i.e.
safety) in love - especially emotional. For many,
financial security plays a significant part of this. So
all else being equal, a gynaecologist is going to have
more hearts jumping than a ditch digger. The more a woman
wants or needs financial security from her partner, the
scarier it is when the possibility looms that her man is
going to have job and career problems.
But like in the song "Lying Eyes" by the
Eagles, sometimes we pay a huge price for "financial
security", like minimizing other things that may be
lacking in a relationship, especially emotional things.
It sounds like your girlfriend went to "where the
grass is greener", and found that she still wasn't
as happy as she thought she'd be. That's scary for her.
When we have problems in one relationship, 50% of
those problems are almost always our responsibility. We
deal with struggles, our inner pain, and other childhood
issues the best way we can, and whatever we haven't
healed continues to cause us problems in any new
relationship. My guess is that she'll continue having
difficulties no matter if she stays with him, or comes
back to you.
My hunch is if she comes back in your life, you'll
continue to be afraid that the same thing will happen
again. And the natural thing is to try to do whatever you
can to give her what you think she wants, as far as
reassurance, attention, and proving yourself in college.
I say that's the natural thing. But it usually doesn't
work. My suggestion is to begin looking at how you use
relationships - and this girl - to help you boost your
self-esteem, to help you feel loveable. Begin to search
for things that will help you feel better about yourself,
regardless of what direction this relationship goes. When
2 people depend on each other for feelings of self-worth
and inner safety, it's often like 2 people with sprained
ankles trying to walk together - they just end up
stumbling and tripping over each other, and eventually
hurting each other.
Give this girl the freedom to be with you, or not. The
less manipulated she feels, the safer she'll feel with
you, and that gives you the best chance for a caring
relationship with her, whether it ends up being just
friends, or lovers.
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