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 More abuse..... - Damaged
Shields
Well, I am obviously in an abusive relationship. I
never thought I'd find myself in one of these. I consider
myself to be an aware, and intelligent human being, and I
in NO way feel I deserve to be abused. I used to cringe
when I heard stories about women in abusive relationships
who, when asked 'why don't you just leave', would respond
by saying, "But he LOVES me....". Well, now
that I'm experiencing one of these relationships first
hand, I can understand (but not agree with) why these
women have a hard time letting go of the relationship,
even though it's horrible. However, I know what the
solution is here for myself. My relationship with this
man for the past year and a half has been mostly verbal
abuse. There were 2 times when he attacked me physically.
Nothing brutal as far as punching or hitting, but being
touched, or 'roughed up' in a way that *I* know is not
acceptable. Well, last night it was a little different.
Now even though I know for me, it's time to end the
relationship, I still need some insight into the thought
process of a man who chooses to physical abuse a woman.
This is the scenario:
We were sitting together at the table, basically
having a mellow time. Joking around and stuff. We had
just finished eating a dinner I had cooked, and were
relaxing. We noticed we were out of cigarettes, so he
said, "I think it's time we go get some
smokes." And then I said in a joking way, "WE?
You mean as a couple? The two of us?" And then he
said, jokingly, "What's up with you tonight? You're
in rare form, is it That Time of the Month? Is there a
full moon?" And I calmly said to him, "Why are
you talking to me that way?" Then he looked at me
and said, "Why are you asking me why I'm talking to
you that way? I was only joking, geez, where's your sense
of humour? I guess I can't joke around with you anymore,
I guess I need to not have a sense of humour around
you." And then I responded, "No, honey, I'm in
a good mood, I was joking around with you too!" He
apparently didn't 'hear' that, and got up from the table,
and started mumbling, "I guess I just can't joke
around with you anymore, I'll have to be careful what I
say around you from now on." And then I tried to
respond to him again, saying, "Hey, I was in a good
mood, I was just joking around too!" But he
continued to say, "I'll just have to not joke around
with you anymore...."
By this time my mood turned to frustration and anger,
and I picked up an ashtray, and threw it against the wall
in the kitchen. I immediately realized I lost control,
and got up to clean up the mess, when he came up behind
me, grabbed my left arm with one hand, put his right arm
around my neck, and jerked me up off the floor. Then he
started yelling about his broken ashtray and how it's not
good to break his stuff, etc... He shook me a bit and
dropped me down, which totally wrenched my neck and back,
and I fell into a bookcase, bruising my right thigh. Then
the shouting match started, where I said a broken ashtray
doesn't give him the right to hurt me physically. And
then he turned it around on ME, telling me that I'm all
messed up and I need help. And then I said, "No,
you're the one who needs help, you won't even listen to
me why I threw the ashtray, which I realize was wrong,
but I got so fed up at that moment." And then he
grabbed my arms, and pushed me against the closet door
saying I haven't had a good ass beating in a long time,
and I was long overdue, or something like that. I looked
at him and said, "You know you are wrong for
treating me this way, I want you to move out right
away." Then there was a heated exchange of words, at
this point I don't remember what was said, and he put his
jacket on and started to leave, and said, "You
apparently have never loved me or you wouldn't have asked
me to leave." Then I said, "Three strikes and
you're out, that's the third time you've attacked me
physically, and I don't allow that kind of thing in my
life, because I don't feel I deserve it."
So after he left, I went in and took a hot bath,
because my back and neck were hurting. He came back
later, and started apologizing, and saying how wrong he
was. Well, I've basically not said a word to him since.
And when he found out that he had hurt my back and neck,
he started wanting to 'fix' it for me, by offering to pay
for a chiropractor, or rubbing it. But for some reason,
that sounds sick and twisted to me, having the person who
hurt you, want to now nurse the wounds that he caused.
He's tried to be loving to me this morning, but I want
nothing to do with it. It just seems weird to me. To me
it seems as if there is a woman in his life that he is so
angry with and wants to hurt, but he's taking it out on
me. Or he's treating me the way he got treated once, or
he's treating me the way he feels he deserves to be
treated. Either way, I feel as though it's time to move
on, no matter how much he tells me he knows he was wrong,
and all that.
Why do they try to turn it around on us? Saying things
like, "Oh, you really know how to push my buttons,
or you really know how to push me over the edge." I
know for sure that it was not my intention to 'push his
buttons', I'm just not like that. But I feel sorry for
the women out there who actually BELIEVE these idiots and
feel that it's THEIR fault that their mates abuse them. I
think I did pretty good last night by telling him that He
knows he was wrong, and go think about what you did,
because you know that physical abuse is WRONG. But I
think even if I hadn't thrown the ashtray, and responded
to his repeatedly saying "Oh, I just can't joke
around with you anymore" by saying, "Oh give it
up, stop your whining." He still would have done
something, either physical or verbal.
That's all for now, but I just need some insight. I
know it's time to end the relationship, because I don't
have the time or energy to try to heal this thing. My
concern is even though I consider my self to be
intelligent, somewhat wise, and aware, then how come I've
let this go so far? Bernd's reply to my first post makes
perfect sense to me. I still want to know why these jerks
try to make us feel like it's OUR fault.
 From: Bernd
With all the emphasis placed on intelligence in our
culture, it's little wonder that many of us are mystified
why our lives go to hell, despite all of the brainpower
we apply to our relationships. Yet in another way, it
makes perfect sense. In computers, we often hear the term
"garbage in, garbage out". Likewise, if we've
developed coping skills and a view of reality based on a
deception, secrecy, denial, etc. from the adults around
us during our childhood, our "logic" - no
matter how high our IQ is - is incapable of seeing the
flaws in its own thinking, without a big dose of pain,
humility, or ongoing frustration.
Our brain can't do it all alone, any more than it can
eat for us, or walk us to the door. Our emotions and our
soul - that magical inner guide inside of us - speak to
us in their own language, and tell us extremely important
things that our brains often have difficulty
understanding without practice.
Why do men physically abuse women, more than vice
versa? I think one of the reasons is that we're taught
from an early age to express our emotions in more
aggressive physical ways than women. Two women will hug,
while 2 men will slap their palms together. Women deal
with their emotional struggles more by talking, crying,
or touching. Men go out and peel rubber down a highway,
or slam their bodies around in hockey or football.
"Real men don't cry" is the norm; our tears
come out instead in loud four-letter words, or the end of
our fist. The more ingrained the pattern is during our
childhood from the influences around us, the more we
retreat to those patterns when our emotional struggles
get out of control.
That doesn't excuse it, but - if there's truth to that
premise - it brings us closer to what leads up to the
punch - fear, frustration, and emotional struggles that
feel more and more unmanageable.
If you look inside yourself, you may find exactly the
same process going on inside you at such times - fear,
frustration, and emotional struggles that feel more and
more unmanageable.
You each have physical ways of expressing your anger;
you each have a different line you won't cross. But as
you found out, that line is often drawn in shifting sand,
depending on how much anger boils to the surface.
Shields, as scary as it may sound, my guess is that
you have a LOT more in common with this man than you
realize. This is not a judgement. It is a chance to see
more clearly the very kinds of struggles that attracted
you to this man, and are likely to continue attracting
you to abusive partners in the future.
It is my guess that you have buried anger and RAGE
inside that consciously you are only partly aware of. If
so, there is a very good reason why they've been
repressed. Until we are spiritually able to begin coping
with deep childhood trauma, opening up such inner
trapdoors can be VERY dangerous to us. They can literally
kill us (e.g. suicide), or unleash devastation on others.
Getting in relationships with abusive men may help you
keep that rage buried, by having it expressed by your
partner for you (this happens at a hidden subconscious
level). It also provides a powerful distraction from your
old inner rage. Your time is consumed with coping with
your partner, and when you DO feel anger, you can point
the finger at your partner as the major cause of that
feeling. But it is a dangerous tradeoff, as many women
find, because rage suppressed (remember, your partner has
a similar struggle going on inside him) is like a
volcano, erupting in unpredictable ways, and at
unpredictable times.
If any of this strikes a chord, you might ask yourself
why YOU didn't see this happening inside you. My own
experience has been that it is damn hard for me to think
straight in a room full of people yelling. My emotions
have been SCREAMING at me for years, and I reacted by
sticking socks in their mouths, which they kept on
spitting out. So I never understood what they were trying
to tell me. And trying to "explain" my emotions
to myself was an exercise in bullshit (which I learned
how to do well from adults as a kid). I've found that I
don't really hear my emotions fully until I fully FEEL
them. I had to feel my old rage, and the deep jagged pain
it was trying to help me cope with, fully before it
really began to heal. I'm still in that process. I
thought I'd die feeling it, but I didn't. The irony is
that keeping it buried was killing me, slowly, unseen,
like a cancer.
Hope you keep searching for answers, and sharing. It's
worth it.
From: Damaged Shields
You're right. I am an angry person inside. Even though
for the past 5 or 6 years, I've really done alot of work
on myself, digging deep, deciphering, and really allowing
me to feel the emotions attached to any injustices that
happened to me as a child and young adult, the
relationships that I've been in, in the past few years,
have taught me that there is still a vat full of rage and
crap. I thought I had finally found my peace. I got to a
point a few years ago, where I felt so clear and happy. I
came to terms with some things that have happened and are
still happening with me and my family. Everything felt so
healed. But since then I've had 2 horrible relationships,
that have brought out some really crazy anger in me. My
partners would say something to me that sounded
condescending, and I would blow up. I didn't want my
relationships to remind me of a 'parent/child'
relationship. Any little thing that would remind me of a
'scolding', rather than a mutual agreement or compromise,
would push me over the deep end. Like today for instance.
A few days ago, I sat down with my S.O., and we talked
about what happened the other night, with the abuse and
all. I broke through some major barriers with him. It
felt like we both chipped away some chunks of crust, and
we both felt really good about it. I felt proud because I
was able to sit down calmly, and point out facts, yet
still maintain a feeling of love and forgiveness. It felt
better, and we both mutually agreed that we'll continue
to work on our issues, together. Okay, so everything is
feeling better, and running smooth, and I come home from
work last night all feeling relaxed like I haven't in a
long time, and he's all happy and whistling, and cleaning
the kitchen, and putting away a bunch of groceries he had
just bought, which he was very proud of. Then he looks at
me and says: "Look, please don't let this get you
angry, but I want to tell you something..." and I'm
thinking, what could it be? I was concerned. and he said,
"I wish you would do the dishes more often."
Well, that pissed me off, because I'm always doing the
dishes. and when I'm doing the dishes, I'm even thinking
to myself, 'I'm always doing the dishes....." Then
he said, "I do them more than you do..." This
brought up a bunch of really bad feelings.
First of all, I couldn't believe that he had the balls
to point something out to me that was #1, not true, and
also at a point where we really didn't need a
confrontation. And so I had to hold my ground and defend
myself again, and point out that since things hadn't been
going well between us lately, I basically haven't been
motivated to do anything to improve our living situation.
I told him he was totally wrong, etc... What got me, is
that I suddenly found myself defending myself, and
getting angry, at a point where it was really important
that we have a peaceful evening together, and I told him
this. I have to say though, he did a great job of keeping
calm and trying to act loving toward me, and keeping a
smile on his face, rather than be the raging monster that
he usually is. But I became all cold and distant again.
And I'm still pissed off this morning. I mean, there are
so many things that he doesn't do in our relationship,
and I'm not just talking housework here.... but I don't
make a list of these things and tell him because I work
it out in my own head first, and excuse him. Even though
I'm frustrated about what he doesn't do. So this really
pushed me over the edge. Totally reminded me of how in my
family, only the negative things would be pointed out,
and all the times I did do something good, those things
were never praised. And alot of times I was accused of
doing/not doing something that was totally untrue.
This morning I'm in a horrible mood again. And I'm
upset that I'm in a horrible mood, because I really
really really REALLY need a ray of sunshine. I need just
ONE damn moment of happiness, or I'm afraid I'm going to
crack. It's not fair. He even apologized to me last
night, saying that he should have thought before he said
that, and considered the circumstances lately. He was
really apologetic. But for some reason, it's not making
me feel any better. Part of it is for the plain fact that
anything negative at all had to happen, and break my
stream of happiness again. AGAIN. and again and again.
There's such an imbalance. More negative that positive
things happening, really weakens me, and makes me feel
rubbed raw. And then before I get a chance to heal myself
and find my peace, something else happens and just keeps
me raw.
When I can get to a point where I feel healed and at
peace, then if something negative happens, I can usually
handle it, but when there is such an imbalance, and I'm
feeling so rubbed raw, then each little thing feels like
a splash of alcohol on a 2nd degree burn. And even though
I pointed out to him that this place has gone to shit in
the past few weeks because of the relationship going to
shit, and that instead of COMPLAINING about the mess, we
should be working TOGETHER, and even though he agreed and
apologized, and said he was WRONG to say that about the
dishes, I"M STILL REALLY ANGRY RIGHT NOW. I can't
shake it. The last time I put up with a lousy partner,
and all the selfish crap, and the verbal bricks, and the
lack of affection, and on top of it have him be
condescending and authoritative, I broke every damn dish
in the kitchen. This time I didn't do that. My overall
feeling that I'm having right now is TOTAL HUMILIATION. I
feel naked and raw. I feel vulnerable, I feel mentally
raped. All because he requested that I do the dishes
more. I don't get it. It's like this: N E G A T I V E N E
G A T I V E N E G A T I V E N E G A T I V E N E G A T I V
E N E G A T I V E N E G A T I V E N E G A T I V E
positive N E G A T I V E N E G A T I V E N E G A T I V
E.....etc..... and Yes, I know, this is just like it was
in my family. for YEARS.
I need to heal. I can't afford to have one more little
thing happen right now. I need to heal and find my peace
and strength, so that I can go on. I want to be able to
enjoy his new found happiness, and his efforts to be a
loving partner. I have to admit though, dishes have been
a horrible sore spot with me most of my life, well, all
of my life. And in this relationship, I had been so proud
of myself for keeping up with them. It was a major
milestone for me. I didn't think it was an issue. I
really was very proud of myself. I didn't think there was
a problem with them. In fact, most of the time, I
actually got up and made myself do them, and had gotten
to a point where I was actually enjoying doing them,
because no one was telling me to do them. Now he's
totally destroyed it. It's going to take me forever to
get to a point now where I feel I'm doing them because I
WANT TO rather because someone TOLD ME TO. Do you know
how long it took me to get to that point? I got to a
point where I could go into the kitchen, do the dishes
and not have that negative dark cloud hanging over the
whole thing, where I felt I was doing them because
someone else demanded it of me, even though it was MY
IDEA in the first place. Now, every time I go into the
kitchen, every little dish has his demand hanging over
it, and I don't feel good about it anymore.
You think maybe I'm getting a little crazy here? I had
a boyfriend once who made this comment in front of my
friends about toilet paper: "I don't think she's
changed a roll of toilet paper in her life." So
after that, every time I went into the bathroom, I'd hear
him saying that, and felt humiliated, and couldn't bring
myself to change the roll of toilet paper with out
getting really upset, even though what he said was
totally untrue, and it wasn't even an issue, I've always
changed the toilet paper. It was ridiculous to even
mention something like that, but for me when someone says
something like that, it makes me NOT want to do it, even
though it wasn't a problem before.
I mean, what is that? If, during the day, when I'm by
myself, and I make up my own itinerary, and for instance
decide that I'm going to clean the oven, and I had
planned it myself, and no one told me to do it, but if my
partner comes home before I've done it, and then they
look at me and say, "This oven is disgusting, why
don't you ever clean it?" Even when I had PLANNED on
cleaning it that very same day, then suddenly I won't do
it, because I don't want to feel I'm doing it for THEM,
and even if I went ahead and did it, it's like it ruined
it for me, because they're now going to think the only
reason I did it is because THEY commanded me to do so,
rather than knowing that I did it because *I* wanted to.
This is my major 'hurt' point in my life. It's like
ruining a surprise, or making MY ideas, THEIR ideas, and
it kind of takes away my independence and my identity as
a person who can make their own decisions, and do their
own things, without having to be told what to do. What is
that?
From: Bernd
Dear Sheilds,
Your latest sharing is filled with insights, and is an
amazing outpouring of feelings and emotions that I
believe will help you tremendously in finding new
answers.
First, a few notes and questions. In your
soul-searching over the last 5 years, did you carry out
much of this alone, or with a therapist, or in support
groups? In my own experience, I was so anxious to find
"peace", that I unwittingly deluded myself into
believing that I had dealt with certain issues, when in
fact, I had disguised and buried them even further.
Al-anon and therapy helped me see much more clearly when
I was truly healing, or when I was practicing more
self-delusion.
There is no "end point" in healing. M. Scott
Peck (Road Less Travelled) starts out by saying
"Life is suffering. Once we accept that life is
suffering, it no longer is (suffering, that is)." I
will never be as healed as I want to be, or ever find the
serenity I'm looking for. And that's ok. Because one
lifetime isn't long enough to reach that destination. The
irony is, that the more I heal, the more I
"feel" the suffering of others. So until
everyone in the world achieves serenity and peace, I
won't either. And once again, that's ok.
However, what I find is happening, is that - the more
healing that takes place inside me - the less I hate the
pain, and the sweeter it begins to feel - like watching a
sad movie, and crying over it. We LOVE movies like that.
Ironic, isn't it? I welcome pain much more than I ever
did, because I know each episode carries a gift to me
inside of it. Once I accept that gift completely, that
particular pain leaves - forever (or fades away so much
that it remains an ally, not an enemy).
The anger that your partner triggered by the dishes
remark was EXACTLY where your healing needed to take you,
in my opinion. I use the word "trigger",
because I've found that - in my own healing - there's a
major difference between pain Lynda "causes"
me, and pain she "triggers". When she expresses
her feelings and thoughts honestly, without FORCING her
wishes on me, any turmoil or pain I feel is almost always
because her words have triggered a trapdoor inside that
I've worked hard to keep shut. It's like she -
unknowingly - hits a switch to my internal septic tank,
and a pile of past crap I've kept stuffing inside behind
an emotional trapdoor comes flowing out. Her triggers are
BIG gifts to me, because that crap keeps hurting me and
killing me, without my being aware of the damage it's
doing. And boy, did God ever make a match with us two! We
are both unwitting experts at flinging open each other's
trapdoors! Before, we thought the other was HURTING us.
Now we realize a LOT easier when something we do is a
trigger, or when it's something that is actually adding
new harm to the old.
Your partner did everything but hand you the key to an
area of your past life that still has lots of old pain,
turmoil and rage trapped inside. He did this without
being aware he was doing it. The "dishes" issue
can lead you toward a tremendous amount of new healing
inside, once you are ready to accept that gift, and begin
this new stage of your healing. Why doesn't the anger go
away? Ironically, because your partner is trying to
handle this in as a loving way as he is able. Because he
didn't react with anger, or more abuse, there isn't a
distraction this time (his behaviour) from your feelings.
Focusing on him isn't enough to drown out that inner
turmoil and anger, because inside, your inner voice knows
that the biggest part of this anger has NOTHING to do
with him.
Chance are, if my guesses have some truth to them,
guilt will be another feeling that rushes up to the
surface. You may find yourself battling guilt over your
reaction to what appears (to me) to be an honest
expression of something he wanted (even tho he missed
taking your feelings fully into account when he said it).
You may also feel guilty about not "getting this
healing thing right". You may feel stupid, and be
kicking yourself again and again for any number of
reasons.
Let yourself have that guilt. Don't fight it.
Wallowing in guilt is my backup method of trying to
distract myself from facing the real rage and pain that's
trying to surface. I realize now that I'm simply not wise
enough to judge anybody - including myself. I do the best
I can. The best thing I can do with things I discover
about myself - especially things that are linked to
painful feelings - is accept them, and invite them to
teach me what I need to learn. It is absolutely NECESSARY
that I have the faults I have, and make the mistakes I've
made, and will make in the future. Without them, I'd be
unable to learn about how love really works, how it
transforms the blackest piece of coal into the most
precious diamond, how it transforms the worst choices
into miracles.
There is a frightened little girl in you, who got hurt
terribly during your childhood. There's also a frightened
adult, who keeps trying to help that little girl feel
happy and safe again, but keeps finding herself leading
that little girl into even more pain. Remember the saying
"united we stand, divided we fall?" For
whatever reason, when we try to carry out the healing
process on our own, without help from others who are
trustworthy, and/or on the same healing journey, we
almost always find ourselves sinking even deeper into the
swamp. It's only when we stop trying to make our way out
of the quicksand by ourselves, and reach out to others
who understand - and can help us find the way back toward
heaven - that things begin to genuinely improve.
A few last notes in this share. Your partner and you
will find yourself switching places often. This is a
natural part of the healing process. Some days, you will
reach a plateau of happiness and calm, while he seems out
of control. Other days it will be just the opposite. Each
of you will find yourself doing things that you HATED
when your partner did those same things. That's natural
too. There are good reasons why the recovery process
works this way. If you keep searching, you'll discover
them one by one on your own - and be amazed at how
wonderfully the process really works. Course, hindsight
is always 20/20, right? :)
Finally, the more you can focus on YOU, and your
healing journey, the more the relationship will take care
of itself. Your partner may decide to accept inspiration
from your example, and begin his own journey. That's what
happened with Lynda and me, and it continues to amaze me
(in a very NICE way)where it keeps taking us. On the
other hand, he may not, but that is something that you
need to leave up to him. God knows our timetable, and
knows when we are ready to take each new step in our
life's journey. No matter what your partner does, the
more you focus on your own healing, the more you'll
discover the rewards of doing so, and the more genuine
happiness and love you'll be able to share with your
partner - whether it's your current one or not.
Reread your letter, and see if anything I said helps
you to find the jewels you planted in it.
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