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 Something's missing - Confused
I have been going out with the same guy for 6 years...
I am 25 and he is 27. But I am starting to question
whether or not I am IN love with him. A couple of years
ago he cheated on me - it was devastating. I was stupid
enough to not break up with him in fear that I would
loose him to the other woman. I now know that that was my
insecurity taht I would never meet anyone. Since then, I
have had my suspicions that it has happened again. When I
confront him, he usually gets very angry claiming that he
doesn't want to be around me when I get like that. He
very rarely takes me out, but on the flip side he is
ALWAYS there for me when I need him. He knows me so well
and knows stupid little things that make me smile. He is
my best friend too.
We always have a good time together no matter what it
is we do. Things were starting to finally be great again,
then all of a sudden, I found myself interested in and
wanting to be with other men. The sex part of our
relationship is phenomenal... I don't think it could get
any better - with anyone. However, I honestly feel
sometimes that that is all we have left. I care about him
more than anything, but he NEVER wants to talk about us
and where we are going. I'm not in a rush to get married,
but when I ask him to talk about us, he gets aggrivated.
The only time we can talk about us, is if it is to his
benefit. I don't think I want children and he wants them
He is alway saying that I will change my mind, but I
don't feel that way. Should I be on my own for a while? I
wouldn't know the first thing to do to go about it...
should I stay and work things out or do I call it quits
after 6 years of my life and loose my best friend at the
same time. I really love him, but something has been
missing for some time and I don't know how to deal with
it. I know you can't solve my problem, but I need an
opinion other than my friends and family. I'm afraid to
hurt him and leave him alone... Why do I feel so torn
between one feeling of the need to let go and the other
to hold onto him and not let go?
 From: Bernd
Infidelity IS devastating. It shakes us to the very
core. The person we trusted most makes a choice that rips
to shreds some of our deepest beliefs about our
relationship with them, and even moreso, our trust in
ourselves ("why didn't I see this coming? What is
wrong with ME?!!").
I had 3 affairs, over a 12 year period. They were
short, but it really doesn't matter how short or long
they are; they all tear the heart out of relationship.
An affair is a loud alarm bell. From my own
experience, I found we were both trying to use the
relationship to fill a growing emptiness inside each of
us, an emptiness that we had carried INTO the
relationship from our childhood. But both of us were also
pretending to ourselves - and each other - that the
relationship was "working" okay. The affair was
a clear indication that we were both avoiding dealing
with the real issues inside each of us, and the
relationship as a whole.
Why are we so good at avoiding our real feelings?
Because it means bringing up old devastating pain and
memories - ones that literally overwhelmed us earlier in
our life. It's damn scary. We're terrified of being a
burden to our partner, of falling apart, of baring our
soul to them - and having them walk away in disgust, or
having them leave to look for someone who can give them
"good" stuff.
But true intimacy is impossible when we try to bottle
up part of ourselves, and hide those feelings we don't
want to let out. The walls keep others out, as well as
keeping the demons in. When our partner has an affair, we
feel horribly betrayed, partially because we sacrificed
part of our true selves, our true feelings - and all it
got us was MORE pain.
I suspect that your suspicions that your boyfriend has
continued to be unfaithful are probably right on the
money. My infidelity didn't stop until I realized that I
was doing horrible damage to MYSELF, let alone what I was
doing to Lynda. They never solved a damn thing, just made
things a lot worse.
What to do? Here are a few suggestions; please take
what works for you, and leave the rest, ok? First, the
anger you felt and still feel is VERY natural, and
justified. But you won't be able to deal with it, and
heal it, by directing it at him - certainly not at first,
anyway. Read and find everything you can on the subject
of affairs, and - if you are comfortable with the idea of
therapy - get counselling that can help you bring your
anger to the surface, and find out how it's trying to
HELP you. You can do this within the relationship, or you
can leave. In my opinion, it doesn't really make a lot of
difference - but that's an individual decision only you
can make.
Second, your feelings of wonderlust are PERFECTLY
natural. When one partner is unfaithful, usually the
other partner is thinking about being unfaithful
themselves - or trying desperately NOT to think about it.
But remember, feelings are not choices.
Third, it's ironic that sex during the aftermath of an
affair is OFTEN highly erotic. An affair sets off a
roller coaster of emotions, so while it produces
anguishing lows, it also propels the relationship into
dizzying - if only temporary - highs. But - to put it in
a little perspective - so does a good drunk. Also, sex
provides a wonderful incentive for closeness and intimacy
in a relationship, but as you're discovering, it can also
be used as an escape from real issues, and help reinforce
the illusion that everything is "okay".
Finally, it's puzzling as hell why we feel such
opposite feelings sometimes during a relationship. We
want to stay, but we don't. We love our partner, but we
question whether they're the "right one". We
want closeness, yet we want our independence too. What
I've found is that such opposite feelings are VERY
natural, and healthy. One of the deepest struggles we
face is finding a comfort zone in a relationship, where
we get the closeness and intimacy we long for, without
"losing myself" in the process. There is no
comfort zone. It doesn't exist. The struggle only eases
when we begin to be comfortable with being close, and
being independent at the same time. We can only achieve
that by building a healthy relationship with OURSELVES,
one in which we do the searching and healing we need, to
develop a strong healthy sense of self-identity, and
inner peace with ourselves. Our partner can HELP us with
that process, but if that help is anything but their
voluntary and willing free choice, it will drag us down,
not help us.
Your boyfriend has made it clear that talking about
the "relationship" is something that brings up
struggle and confusion inside of him, and so, he'd rather
not talk about it. Let him have his struggle; it's his
responsibility, and - in my opinion - has little to do
with the actual relationship, and a lot more to do with
his unresolved childhood issues. Search for clearer
insight into what YOU want from a relationship, and what
you want to contribute to one. Give what YOU want,
because it's good for YOU, and try to let your inner
voice guide you as best you can. This relationship has
much to teach you, but one of the things is likely how to
get a solid feeling about whether your inner voice is
guiding you to leave, or to stay. Remember too, that
you're really at the beginning of the adult stage of what
we call "life". Give yourself time. I started
my recovery when I was 37. You have a head start.:)
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