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 Having difficulty dealing with
our problems - MN
My boyfriend and I have been living together for about
three years. At the time of getting to know one another
we were both in the process of ending our marriages. In
his case the separation was mutual until he actually
moved out, she changed her mind. In my case I was the one
needing to move on with my life. I have two children that
are now 5 and 8. My boyfriend has two teenage kids, 13
and 15. The older one lived with us along with my two
little ones, for a year and a half. She were never to
reach a level of accepting a part of this "new
family" during this time, but has been very open to
it lately. She now lives with her mom since 5 months and
they moved out of state, 600 miles away.
From the start there was a lot of emotional stress in
our relationship as a consequence of both of our
individual situations. Our ex-spouses who still wanted
the marriages were dealing with all the emotional pain
that comes with trying to uncouple and let go. We had to
deal with their pain in many different ways, and we tried
to be as understanding as possible, although we didn't
feel that we were at fault personally for the ended
marriages, we wanted to be sensitive to what they were
going through. But from the beginning we both felt a
certain amount of guilt for being the ones that left. We
tried to make up for it in many different ways, practical
as well as financial. But the more we gave, the more they
seemed to want, need, taking for granted, demand, etc.
And this attitude from them pushed us to the conclusion
that we had to put our foot down and say No! We told us
that they could not keep on punishing us for something
that wasn't our fault.
At the time of my divorce going to court my ex husband
did something awful to me(us) financially and stuck the
kids right in the middle of a very unessecary situation
that could have been solved in a mature way. It resulted
in no communication at all between us for several months,
and me writing him a 32 page long letter spilling out my
opinion, feelings and disgust. After that he seemed to
have taken some of it to heart and have made great
attempt to changing some of his attitude and behavior and
come to terms with himself. We are now trying to rebuild
the relationship between the three of us for the sake of
the kids. My boyfriends wife, however, is after three
years continueing to punish him in every way she can,
blaming everything in her life on the fact that "he
left". She has from the beginning used the kids as a
tool to get to him since this is the most effective and
most pinful way you can hurt an ex-spouse, through the
kids. She was the one that decided the older daughter
would come and live with us, and after all that has taken
place we now realize that she probably had an ulterior
motive with this. Her intention was never to help and
support the daughter to intergrate to our new family, but
the contrary. She knew that this was a way she could
create complete turmoil in our home. This was also what
happened. It's a long story and I won't go into it now.
So from the beginning of our relationship we have been
battleing extremely stressful problems with two
ex-spouses and a teen girl with no self esteem and armed
with a decision of ruining our relationship to get mom
and dad together, with the support from mom. AND two
little ones that needed their share of time and
attention. All this was overwhelming. It started getting
appearant that me and my boyfriend had different ways of
dealing with conflict, and we were getting on each others
nerves because we were constantly faced with our
differences since there were constant conflict in some
form. He felt that I always always wanted to TALK bout
stuff and actively search for answers, looking to *Solve*
the problem at hand. He felt that I was "always in
his face" (regarding problems with his daughter
especially) and as if I was attempting to control him and
telling him wich way to go. I felt that he was too layed
back, unwilling to take on problems and set reasonable
limits, and he proved to me time after time that if he
wasn't pushed into taking an active role , he just
wouldn't. Many times I felt as if he used the TV to
escape having to deal with all the issues going on at our
house. I resented this because these problems were
affecting everybody in the house hold and they needed to
be adressed. So yes, I did push him a whole bunch.
I think that we have focused on "external"
problems to the exclusion of dealing with the differences
between the two of us. And now three years have passed.
My ex is no longer much of a stress factor. My boyfriends
daughter is no longer living with us. And his ex,
although making her person known in every possible way,
has removed herself 600 miles away to live with a
boyfriend. Now when we finally are getting a chance to
have apieceful life together there our personal problems
are surfacing more than ever and they cannot longer be
blamed on stress from the outside of the two of us. But
is it too late?!! I don't know what to make out of it.
The great stress that we've been through has put it's
marks on the relationship and some things just can't be
undone and will be held against the other for ever, it
seems, no way out.
I love this man dearly, and I know he feels the same
way about me. But at this point both of us feel as if we
are no longer commited to live the rest of our lives
together. We both *want* to, but realistically it doesn't
look like it's an option unless we're able to get past
some of the anger and rejection from the past couple of
years, and also find a way to come to terms with our
differences.
It feels awful, because we always thought we'd get
married and love one another forever. But it just isn't
that easy anymore. That feeling is gone. Replaced by
insecurity, confusion, hopelessness and pain. And again
the same difference in dealing with problems are
happening. I have an urge to adress this and find out if
there is anything we can do about it, face realities
about ourselves and our relationship and decise if we
individually are willing and capable to change, and what
we both are willing and capable of putting up with in the
other. I suggested that we go and talk to someone that
can look at it more objectivly and help us arrive to, or
a step closer to, what direction we need to go. I said, I
don't want to just sit and wait for all of these
conflicts to get to the point where they'll blow up in
our face and one of us will leave with a bag one rainy
night, not to come back. I'm thinking about my kids in
this too, trying to find a way so they won't end up
getting hurt by a stormy, abrupt break-up.. But that's
where it's headed. Perhaps it will take a year, or three
years, or more, who knows. I just know it will happen if
we don't face what's before us. My wish is that we, after
three years in this relationship, make an asessment of
ourselves and us as a couple and decide on a direction
*soon*. It's not natural to either one of us to live in a
relationship that is less than comitted. His reaction to
my sharing these thoguhts (last night) was to start
blaming me for this and that (that I do agree with, but I
was trying to discuss it in more general terms and stay
away from specific issues that inevetibly would lead to a
dead end as always. I was attempting to have a warm,
caring but open discussion with him on this very
sensitive issue that I know makes us both feel so, so
sad. Not to my surprise, he said that he didn't want to
seek professional guidance. More or less what it came
down to, he made me feel like I'm the one that has ruined
things and I'm the one that needs help. I don't disagree
with tht I do have some specific things to deal with with
myself (and that is very painful), but I resent very much
to be made out as the weak link. Yes I am verbal and I'm
active and involved. That he is a person that wants to
put things off and surpress confusing feelings and wait
for things to show it's true face even though it may take
years...what can I say. I don't have years! I don't have
hours even when it comes to kids issues and consistency
with limits.
I just don't know what to do here....I love him so
much. I want to be able to truely say to myself that I
want to live the rest of my life togheter with him. I
think he feels the same. But it's contingent upon if we
can climb this mountain.
If anyone can give me some advice...I would be so
greatful
 From: Bernd
Hi, and thanks for sharing. Here are my best guesses
on your situation.
Many relationship problems happen because we
unknowingly keep trying to control the uncontrollable. In
our minds, most of us have cherished ideas about what a
loving relationship is supposed to feel like, and how
it's supposed to work. We are willing to change our views
to a point, but the more things seem to unravel, the more
we need to hang on to our deepest beliefs to keep our
panic and frustration from overwhelming us, and
destroying the relationship.
I have absolutely no control over the choices my wife
makes, and as such, have no control over the
relationship. I only have control over my choices, and
the half of the relationship I contribute to. When I try
to steer the relationship or my wife in the directions I
think they should go, I am trying to control the
uncontrollable - and set myself up for even more anger,
and frustration. However, it took me a long time to
finally accept this - because usually when I tried to
control her or the relationship, it would seem to work,
for a while. But none of it was permanent change, and I'd
find myself back in the same old swamp (only deeper)
somewhere down the line.
My guess is that, now that the outside stresses have
relatively calmed down, you are both able to start
feeling the natural turmoil. pain, guilt, and confusion
that results from any failed past relationship. It likely
comes as a shock that those feelings are so powerful,
because the cherished hope for so long was that, at this
stage, you'd be able to start really building your
relationship, and rekindle the magic that you likely both
believe is waiting for you in this relationship.
You and your boyfriend have different ways of trying
to deal with that inner turmoil. Your approach seems to
be one of grabbing each bull by the horn, and wrestling
it to the ground. Your boyfriend's seems to be one of
stewing, waiting, and procrastinating until he feels as
sure as he can about what to do. They are opposite sides
of the same coin. The coin is fear.
Choices based on fear usually lead us to more trouble.
The more we're able to get in contact with that wise
inner voice inside us, the more we are able to make
choices based on inside calm, and those kind of choices
almost always lead towards more happiness, and loving
permanent solutions (even though sometimes the path seems
to lead us to MORE pain and confusion initially).
Inner voice guidance lets us know when doing nothing
is the best choice. I suspect that you have an extremely
difficult time doing "nothing" is situations
where that kind of choice is actually the best solution.
For example, your boyfriend's relationship with his ex -
no matter how much you feel it affects you - is something
that only he has genuine control over. Your attempts to
push, guide, or advise probably seems to help at first,
but I suspect that they eventually backfire - and show up
in the anger and blame he throws at you. Letting someone
make their own choices, and face the natural
consequences, is one of the highest forms of love, and
pays off big time. But it is extremely hard to do at
first. It takes practice - lots of it.
You mentioned marriage counselling. From my own
experience, until a partner is ready to VOLUNTAIRLY get
involved in counselling, it usually doesn't do a helluva
lot of good. There's a fear that counselling will expose
inner pain and fears that the reluctant partner is trying
to desperately cope with (or suppress) on their own; the
last thing they want is to have a
"professional" confirm their fear that they are
one screwed-up human being.
My gut feeling is that you are just BEGINNING the
process of mourning the loss of your first marriage, and
many hopes and dreams you brought into it. And even
though you are able to rationalize many of your choices
in ending your marriage and starting your current
relationship, I suspect that your head and emotions
aren't in harmony about many of those choices. If so,
that turmoil will make if extremely difficult for you to
separate the painful emotions you feel from this
relationship, from the painful emotions that are
triggered from that unresolved mourning process. Your
boyfriend is dealing with the same kind of mountain
inside.
Listen to your feelings. No matter how painful they
are at times, they are your friend, not your enemy. The
more you can focus on what's happening inside of you, and
keep your attention off your boyfriend's struggle and
choices, the more insight you'll get into why things seem
to keep going to hell in a hand basket. Let go of trying
to guide the relationship in the directions you want; the
more attention you give to healing what is crying out to
be healed in you, the more the relationship will take
care of itself , in very positive ways.
If you feel counselling is beneficial, then by all
means go for it - but for yourself. As you're
discovering, leaving one relationship is no guarantee
that the next one will end up any better. In fact, until
we learn some of the lessons our current and past
relationships are trying to teach us, the odds are that
our next relationship will end up even worse.
When I decided to return to our marriage - after
leaving for a period to try to get some insight - it was
because I finally found out what commitment really meant
in a relationship. (see my "Good Friday" story
on our Personal Recovery Page - http://nsonline.com/hansen/recov.htm).
I became committed to letting the relationship finally
teach me everything it had been trying to over the
previous 13 years. I knew that, whatever I didn't learn,
I'd have to repeat all over in any future ones. And lets
face it, the lessons are hard enough, without repeating
them over and over again!:)
I took that leap of faith over 5 years ago, and I will
be eternally grateful for the small "miracle"
that lead me to it.
Good luck, huggggggs, and hope this helps a bit.
From: MN
I wanted to thank you for taking the time to respond
to my post so thoughtfully. I've been thinking about the
things you said and recognize much of it to be true.
In the last few days I've been diving deep, trying to
find the big one. Seems like what I'm finding is an
octopus monster and I'll have to deal with each of it's
arms at a time, while keeping a watching eye on the
others. In other words, I feel horrible.
I know there are things I have to face with myself to
get to a better understanding of why I react the way I
do. I've been writing down my thoughts, and trying to do
so in an observing way without any remarks about why I
feel or do certin things. Just that "I
feel...". I know that I have this profound sadness
inside that I have never truely dealt with, and it
appears as if I'm ready to go to any length to protect
myself from feeling that pain. I frequently turn to
anger. I can blow up like a bomb if some event or words
hit too close to the pain I've collected over the years.
It's almost as if I have no control over myself at such
times. Although it doesn't happen very often (it can be
months between) I still respond with anger when faced
with my pain. I know this is not fair to the people
around me, and many times I grab a hold of myself and
"cap" that anger and respond in a more
rational, objective manner. But the emotion is still
there, bottled up, and more events get piled ontop until
the pile is so tall that it reaches my throat and is
choking me. At that point any small event can serve as a
trigger and I explode, basically vomiting out all that
bottled up tension. Then I feel complete despair, because
that's not how I want to be!
I have many issues with my boyfriend, but I have read
many of the articles on your site, and in the suggested
links, and I'm very much taking some of it to heart, in a
huge effort to save this relationship before it is too
late. I'm trying to let go of the things I see negative
with my boyfriend, realizing that I can't change any of
it, and I'm focusing on myself and my own shortcomings.
I know, for myself, that my life would not end if we
ended up deciding to go separate ways. I know I could
make it and find happiness on my own. But I *want* to
find happiness together with him.
In the three years that we've been together we haven't
had much fun with one another. It's been a battle from
the start with kids and ex-spouses, but I don't want to
look at that as an excuse anymore. My boyfriend's answer
to this has always been "Let's go away for a week,
to Mexico or something." In the past, and still to
some extent, I've felt as if he wants to go away to
*escape* all the troubles here at home. My thoughts was
that if we can't have a good time with one another here,
where we're at, then what is a week in "Mexico"
do other than serve as an isolated experience without
lasting effect other than to put us even more in the
whole financially. Geez...that's such a pessimistic way
of looking at it, I know. But I've been feeling as if I'm
being rejected in this situation. When he's home he
usually is infront of the TV and it is like I will have
to make an appointment with him to connect. Or I have to
say what's on my mind between commersials, when
programming starts, I'm done, even if I'm in the middle
of a sentence. I make him feel very frustrated if I
question anything about the TV in general. So when he's
home he's living in whatever world is happening on TV,
most of the time, then he wants to leave the house and go
somewhere in order to have "fun". That makes me
feel rejected.
He's escaping TV because of all the problems we've
had, and having, and to escape me who has been pushy and
needy to adress all these problems and solve them. And
strictly in my opinion, for reasons far beyond things
happening during our relationship. That has always been
his way, since I've known him, and before according to
him. I came from very different curcuimstances, and was
more of an active person as far as creating things,
taking initiatives, dreaming by lakes, projects with the
kids, etc. When we got together I knew early on that his
TV watching was a source of frustration for me.
And this, as you can see, creates a perfectly round
circle. With all the pain from broken up marriages and
all the problems we were facing, it was easy for him to
escape that way, and with my personality it was easy for
me to get obsessed with the problems we were facing, not
only thinking that they would have to be *solved* before
we could go on as a couple, but also that they were a
source of Live Entertainment no matter how negative. And
on and on and on...
Now I will try to see his desire to go on a vacation
as *going towards something*, not like I've seen it in
the past "escaping from something". Maybe my
own change in attitude about it will actually allow our
trip together to be a jumpstart and give us a chance to
start having more fun with eachother anywhere we're at. I
hope!
Thanks
From: Bernd
Hi MSN, huggs, and thanks for the feedback
There are some insights I saw in your last share, and
I'd like to expand on them a bit. You mentioned an
octopus. I think that's a bang-on description. Take it a
step further - you have 2 arms, and octopus has 8 - a 4-1
advantage. If we try to wrestle an octopus alone, we will
lose. I see this as a reminder that the support of others
(therapy, support group, books, etc.) is essential -
extra hands who can even the odds, and help us wrestle
the octopus to the ground.
The "horrible" feelings are natural, and
will ease with time. It isn't that there's more pain
inside; what happens - as we focus inside, and get rid of
some of the distractions - is that we become MORE aware
of pain that already exists. It's like having your hand
on a hot stove, and a big dose of Valium wears off.
Suddenly, you scream in agony at the pain in your hand,
BUT, it's only by being aware of that pain that you
suddenly realize you need to move your hand OFF the
stove. When you do, the pain eventually eases as your
hand heals, and you get rid of the pain without needing
to suppress it anymore. In other words, you get TRUE
freedom from the pain.
You said "I frequently turn to anger". Maybe
the truth is more that, at those times, you FEEL anger
that already exists. Anger is very healthy, as long as we
don't use it to hurt ourselves. I believe a truth of love
is that, when we hurt others, we hurt ourselves equally
as much. So I try to express my anger in ways that don't
hurt others, and myself, because if I hurt myself, I'm
just piling more anger on top of the old, which makes my
swamp even deeper.
You also said "It's almost as if I have no
control over myself at such times". Take out the
word "almost", and I think that statement is
bang on. Think of your strong emotions as bowling balls,
and your attempts to "control them" as a
juggling act. When one more strong emotion is triggered,
suddenly you're juggling more bowling balls than any
human being can possibly handle, and they ALL come
tumbling down - usually right on your foot. The
alternative? A support group can help you carry those
balls without juggling, and eventually learn to use them
for bowling! (i.e. fun!) It takes time, but anything
worth doing, is worth taking the time to do.
You mentioned "He's escaping TV because of all
the problems we've had...". I suspect that his
pattern of escaping has a lot LESS to do with you and the
relationship than you think. This is his PRIMARY way of
trying to cope with struggles, and so far, it has worked
better than just about any other technique for him. But
if you look at him as your mirror, my guess is that
"escaping" is also the best way you've found to
cope, but you use a different roadway. Your escape seems
to be through activity (I'm a workaholic, so activity is
my MAIN escape method). Notice how his
"inactivity" and your "activity" seem
to be so opposite, yet are really BOTH the same sides of
a coin called "escaping". Take it a step
further. Because I use activity to escape, when I'm not
"doing something", my horrible feelings return
in the quietness. When my partner is
"inactive", it triggers in a big way the terror
I feel associated with inactivity. So Lynda's
"escaping in front of the TV" really tells me
something important about ME, not her. That's the gift.
Once I began to see that, I became grateful for that
"fault" in her. Boy, does THAT ever feel better
than being angry at her for escaping in front of the TV.
About your shortcomings: each imperfection I have is a
blessing. Try to learn to be grateful for, and accept
your shortcomings. That acceptance will help transform
them from coal into diamonds.
Finally, you said "Maybe my own change in
attitude about it will actually allow our trip together
to be a jumpstart and give us a chance to start having
more fun with each other anywhere we're at. I hope!"
I'd like to suggest you apply this statement to your
relationship with YOURSELF (the child, teenager, and
adult inside of you). If you get away, let each of these
parts of yourself come out, and have fun, and play, if
only for a little while at a time. They have TREMENDOUS
healing power, and magic. The more you let these
wonderful parts of you out, the more of a nice impact
you'll have on your partner, and your relationship.
And have a splash for us! Take care, and hugggs.
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