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 Scared of Marriage - Rusty
I would love to hear from people ( especially men)
about how they handled a situation where their fiance was
so terrified of the responibilities and pressures that
marriage and a family brings, that he has cancelled the
wedding plans. How does someone know when they are ready
to "take the plunge"? And, how long to you give
someone to decide whether or not they are really going to
marry you? I could really use some guidance and insights
if anyone has them. My boyfriend of two years has told me
that he wants to get married, he wants to marry ME, and
he sees me as the mother of his children. However, he is
feeling overwhelmed by the responsibility all of that
will bring, and said he needs me to be patient while he
figures out when (if?) he will ever be ready to do that!
 From: Bernd
Here are my best guesses.
Marriage, and a commitment to share life with someone
"til death do us part", is probably the BIGGEST
decision many of us will make during our lives, or
certainly one of the biggest. If we've been brought up in
a home where our parent's marriage is one of free choice
on a daily basis, where we watch the relationship
continue to blossom like a lifelong flower, and where our
parents' choices continue to enhance the well-being of
each other, then we have a lot greater chance of looking
forward to the magic of our own marriage in a similar way
we'd look forward to our first visit to Disneyworld as a
child.
However, if the examples that have influenced us most
have given us a view of marriage that means we'll have to
live certain roles, meet certain expectations, and
sacrifice part of who we are and our freedom, then it's a
lot more likely that we'll wade as slowly as we can into
the murky waters of that kind of future.
No matter how much we feel in love, or what promises
we hear, the experience around us tells us that many
marriages don't last, and the ones that do aren't
necessarily always happy or fulfilling. It's a big step
into the unknown.
If your boyfriend feels that he "owes" it to
you to get married - even in a small way - because that
security, that commitment, is important to you at a
certain stage in a relationship, then he's going to have
a tug a war between his fears of "what if", and
his fears of disappointing you more each day by his
delay. It sounds like a no-win.
I suspect that both of you have some expectations of
what a marriage "should" be like, based what
you've seen, read, and heard, etc. growing up.
Expectations, however, can be swampy traps, even with the
best of intentions. When we sacrifice any part of who we
truly are to fit another person's (or society's)
expectations, we find resentment grows inside as a
natural result. We begin to rebel - at first in small
ways, and find ourselves more at odds with our partner.
Many eventually become distant from their partner, or
divorce.
My gut feeling is hat your boyfriend is dealing with
some struggles inside that he's afraid to openly share
with you. Why is he afraid? From my own experience, the
more my wife is looking for feelings of safety and
security from me, the harder it is to emphatically listen
to my innermost struggles over our relationship. But it
EXACTLY that ability to be able to hear the worst from
our partner, and be okay with listening to it, that makes
a relationship strong. When our partner can share
ANYTHING about what's going on inside them, and feel
safe, and secure that they won't be thought less of, or
make their partner upset, hurt, or angry because of their
honesty, then you have a bond that is precious, and
stronger than just about any I know.
If this strikes a chord with you, there are probably a
few questions about how a partner can do this, whether it
means shutting off what WE feel as we listen, etc. With
Lynda and I, I find that it helps if I remind myself that
supporting honesty is something I value highly. It helps
to remind myself that, whatever she shares with me, is
only what she feels and thinks TODAY. It's where she is
right now, as she searches for truths that will help her
find and share happiness.
I don't shut off my feelings when I listen to her. In
fact, I LISTEN to my feelings, and talk to her (when she
invites me too) about them when she's ready. I remind
myself that, when we disagree on something, I'm not any
wiser than her. But by listening to her views and
feelings, I find out things that I'm unable to see on my
own, and that helps me see what things I need to heal
inside, and it also helps me see more clearly how I can
respect and support HER right to find her own answers
best she can.
One of the miracles I keep on seeing in our
relationship is that once I stopped "needing"
something from her that she struggled over giving, it
felt like a big rock was lifted from both our shoulders -
AND - one day all of a sudden, she began giving it, in a
way that surpassed my expectations before! Wow! It was
like being okay with not having ANY presents for
Christmas, and suddenly seeing Santa come in the door
with a truckload of presents! This has happened with sex,
with hugs, and a whole bunch of other things - for both
of us.
My view of what is happening is that it is an
OPPORTUNITY for you to learn some very valuable things
about what a relationship and marriage really CAN be. I'd
recommend reading anything you can on marriages and
relationships, and seeing if he'd be willing to take any
marriage retreats, or premarital courses offered by some
churches, etc. - not to get him "primed" for
marriage, but to help YOU discover how YOU can give the
best to your relationship. I suspect that if he sees you
wanting to give your best, his natural - and healthy -
inclination will be that he wants to create some of the
same magic himself.
Hope some of this helps.
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