 What do I do now? - Asia
I am 19 years old and I have never been good at
initiating relationships. All of my past relationships
have been at least partially initiated by the other
person, but I feel that now that may have to change.
I have known a woman for about a year and a half and I
have been good friends with her since I met her. She is a
beautiful woman but never struck me as extremely
attractive, and I have largely ignored her as a potential
candidate for a relationship.
However, last year I went through a very stressful and
problematic period in my life, and she has shown me
nothing but kindness, helping me out in whatever way
possible and never asking anything in return. Since then
I have been spending more time with her, and she
definitely seems like someone I'd like to spend my life
with.
Right now, I am really good friends with her, and I
have been seeing her several times a week, and she
definitely seemed to enjoy my company. Recently, though,
perhaps after she sensed my interest in her, she seemed
to prefer to see me when there are others around ( such
as in group outings or inviting other people etc.), and
avoid seeing me alone. This seems strange for I have
never tried or even hinted anything sexual in nature to
her. My questions are, what does this mean? Also, how can
I go beyond this stage of friendship and start a romantic
relationship with her? I understand that just asking is
the textbook answer, but she is really special and,
although I understand that there are many nice people out
there, I don't want to screw this up. What can I say to
her and such. How should I relate and communicate with
her? I don't mind if this takes a while. I am chicken,
and while the best way to stop being chicken is to get
rejected as many times as possible, there is only one
'her' and she IS very special.
Thankyou very much for any advice or help you give me!
 From: Bernd
It sounds to me as if you have been very cautious
about getting involved - probably due to fear of being
rejected. This would be consistent with your approach to
relationships, where you wait for some clear signs of
interest from a female before getting involved, rather
than taking the chance of "initiating".
As you're finding out however, this "low
risk" approach has given you little experience at
"testing the waters" of your current
friendship. In my experience, "no risk"
actually holds as big of a pricetag as
"risking"; i.e. we think we limit our losses by
taking as few risks as possible, but at some point we
discover that we've gained little experience at being
able to grab opportunity when it DOES appear.
I had a really hard time with relationships when I was
19. I was scared, and desperate for SOMEONE to love me.
But even when I met someone and started dating, I walked
on eggshells so much during the dates that they began to
feel more uncomfortable with me the closer I got.
Whether or not you gave this woman any active hints
that you're interested in her romantically, I suspect
that you are unknowingly sending out all sorts of cues
that her internal radar is picking up loud and clear. It
sounds as if she is trying to walk a tightrope of not
hurting you (keeping your friendship) while at the same
time trying to let you know that she doesn't want a
romantic involvement with you at this time. Whatever her
reasons are, trying to change things so that she DOES get
more involved with you is very likely to backfire.
I'm going to take a wild stab in the dark and suggest
some things to you. I believe that every relationship -
friendship and otherwise - has many hidden gifts that
often our own dependency, past hurt, and confusion hides
from us. I get the sense that this woman is older than
you, and gets some good feelings about herself by helping
you as a friend. My suggestions are:
- be open: tell her how you feel, and let her know
that your feelings don't mean she has to reciprocate.
Honesty is a treasure in a friendship. If you value your
friendship with her highly, ask her for her help in
trying to understand your feelings better, and using
those feelings to help you learn how to love someone as a
friend, without "needing" a romantic
relationship with them.
- perspective: remember you're 19, and really at the
beginning of a lifelong process of learning how to love -
and be loved - as an adult. When Sir Edmund Hillary
scaled Mount Everest, he knew that he'd get plenty of
scrapes and bumps along the way. The same holds true in
relationships; our "failures" and rejections
are a natural part of the process, and actually very
necessary gifts. Without them, we would have little
empathy when others came to us with their broken hearts.
When our children go out in the world in their own search
for love, our experiences will be precious diamonds to
them. Welcome the rejections, the failures, as learning
experiences. Each one will add wisdom to your soul.
Remind yourself that your ultimate destination - being
able to love unconditionally and with serenity - is very,
very worth it.
- whatever good feelings you get from this woman, try
to find ways of giving yourself more of those good
feelings without getting them from her. For example, I
discovered that when I wanted someone to listen to me,
there were a lot more people than my wife who were ready
and willing to do so - friends, acquaintances, ministers,
therapists, support groups, even the man sitting next to
me on the bus! It felt so good discovering I didn't have
to handle all my problems and confusion on my own, or
rely on just my wife. I try to thank all those people by
passing it on - i.e., listening to others. And it feels
good to do so.
Anyway, I think that's a start. Take what feels
comfortable, and leave the rest. No matter what happens
in your relationship, it has treasures to give you - even
if they're not the ones you think. Hope you find them.
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