 Having Difficulty with sexual
boundaries - Cautious
I am going through a divorce after 17 years of
marriage. I have two children, 16 and 14 years who are
with me. It was my choice to end the marriage. I find
myself in a position of dating and I do not want a sexual
relationship. I am finding I have no tools to help me
maintain my boundaries about this. Do you have any
suggestions? I am 43 years old, due to receive my
undergraduate degree in May and have been accepted to
Graduate School. I have just secured employment in the
career field that I have chosen and I have quite a bit
going for me. I an feeling very insecure however about
being "available" again.
From: Bernd
It's scary getting back into the "dating
scene" at age 43 (my age too, by the way). Many of
the "rules" that applied when we were dating
teenagers don't work, because we have a lot more life
under our belt, and our priorities are different. The
sexual guidelines that younger people use also don't seem
to work very well for us.
Here are my thoughts on sex for someone in our age
range. First, our society has a lot of dysfunctional
ideas and values regarding sex, and owning our own
sexuality doesn't just involve setting boundaries with
the person we're dating; it also means setting boundaries
with society as a whole. If we let "status quo"
values rule our choices, then we'll keep falling into
sexual potholes. By status quo, I mean many of the
judgements others place on women's sexual choices (such
as nympho, loose, and other nastier words).
You body belongs to you, and you alone. Whatever
sexual choices you make, as long as they don't harm you,
or another person, and are made with your FREE choice,
then they are healthy and loving, in my opinion. To give
yourself such free choice (an essential part of being
able to set boundaries) means reminding yourself of one
of the essential principles of love: whatever is
genuinely loving for you, is genuinely loving for others.
An example: a date tries to pressure you into having
sex (an attempt at control). Control isn't loving, and if
you let another person control you, you are treating
yourself in unloving ways, and you are helping them
continue to hurt themselves as well. If you gently but
firmly refuse to let your date control your choices, you
are treating them with love, and yourself - because you
are "rewarding" unloving behaviour. They can
either accept your choice, or leave - and it is loving to
respect their choice to do either.
However, when we make loving choices (including saying
"no" when it feels right), our example has a
very real and powerful effect on anyone close to us.
Sometimes, it wakes up something in them that realizes
"this IS a better way".
The only way I know to learn how to set boundaries is
by practice. Talking with others that are trustworthy,
and talking to your dates will certainly help. Honesty is
a key here. Before you make a choice that you feel unsure
about, ask yourself "does it really feel good and
solid inside, or are there little alarm bells going off
in my head?". If there are alarm bells, take time to
listen to them, talk about them with someone, and find
out what they are trying to tell you.
Sex is a very powerful healing force, when used
lovingly. Whether you have sex on the first date, or wait
til you feel you're in a committed relationship, doesn't
matter as much as what feels right for YOU. Remember,
when a choice is made out of a sense of obligation or
expectation, it isn't love. If you can use that as a
guide, then you'll find yourself being able to set
comfortable boundaries a little bit more each day. That's
all any of us can hope for. Take care.
From: Tom
Cautious, No tools for boundaries about sex must be
very hard. From reading your letter I am introduced to a
woman who obviously knows discipline, the respect of
faculty, and knows what she wants to do for a career. You
have talents and skills many do not realize in life. I
question the statement that "you find yourself
dating". Were you transported to the dating zone by
alien creatures. Did you make a decision to date. If so
why? If the man is physically attractive and you want to
know about his physical self than you are the judge of
what is right for you. Not society or the interpretative
skills of others who claim to know the lords will for
you. You know what is right for you! Sexuality is
something human and very natural. So is honesty. Are you
honest with yourself about your dating partners? Are they
able to hear your honesty. Don't they have a right to
decide what they want to do with you based upon your
truth coupled with theirs. If that is occurring than
sexual coupling is natural. If it is not than coitus and
kissing seem like it could be an inebriative device that
eases the pain felt for not sharing truth. Good luck with
your dating. Finding ones self and our purpose is
important work.
From: cautious (to Tom)
I read your words and felt hurt and pain at first. As
I took time to examine my feelings I realize that a
portion of the pain comes from seeing that another speaks
truth to me that I refused for whatever reason to speak
to myself. You are very right when you say that coitus
without truth is an inebriative device. I suffer the pain
at times of feelings of unworthiness and have been guilty
in the past of searching for validation in very
dysfunctional ways. I have suffered much by refusing to
embrace the woman that I am. I seek daily to improve my
conscious contact with God and to become that which He
sees when He created me. The messages that bombard from
the world get in the way at times. Thank you for having
the courage to speak the words that I needed to hear.
Thank you for the challenge to examine my motives and my
truth. When I spoke of finding myself dating I merely
meant that I never expected to be going through a
divorce. I am finding myself quite often on paths that I
would never have dreamed would be there. I will examine
my motives for dating as I continue on the path of
recovery and self awareness.
From: Tom
My friend the fear sounds at times intense. I have
found that my perspective on sex comes not so much from
my being male but from my early Christian training as a
Catholic. I was scared of sin and to adulture or have sex
with more than one person who I commit to would be a
mortal sin. That sin carried an eternal punishment with
no forgiveness. As I grew older I found joy in being
faithful to one lover. Because of my ACOA issues and fear
of abandonment, if a woman graced me with her physical
self in a sexual union I interpreted that to mean she
would be with me always. I took comfort in feeling that I
would not be abandoned by a lover because I projected my
thoughts of mortal sin onto her if she were to want
another. I was able to find a shallow comfort from
believing that if I gave over sexually than the woman
would consider herself to be with me for ever. That is
one reason why this man wanted to have sex. That would
secure me a friend and love and I need not worry about
abandonment. I am sorry for your suffering but if you had
not written I would not have meditated upon my situation
and had the insights brought forth. Thank you.
From: cautious (to Bernd)
Hi. Thank you for your first response. I have another
thought to put your way and I would appreciate any
insight that you may provide. I am a recovering
alcoholic. I have been in recovery for 8 years. I have
experienced many changes in my life during this time,
perhaps the biggest this divorce experience. In my
recovery I am uncovering new truths about myself on a
rapid pace!! At times the input is overwhelming. I am
confused about the issue of self-acceptance. I am finding
that for whatever reason, I am experiencing a fear of
being alone. I have read literature on codependency that
speaks of a fear of abandonment and I wonder if it is
possible that I might have a deep set fear of abandoning
myself and for that reason, I look to others for
validation. I have found myself in some very
dysfunctional relationships. I am at a crossroads of
sorts at this time. I am in the position of independence
from an empty, painful marriage.
As I wrote before, I have made the decision to allow
myself the dating experience. I am unclear as to what
motivates me to seek companionship at this time. I wonder
if I should not even entertain the idea of dating. I am
already discovering that because I am a mature woman, men
appear to have less inhibitions about sexual matters. I
do understand you when you say that the choice to be
sexual is mine alone yet I hurt that many human beings,
male and female, are so nonchalant about this part of the
self. I believe that I have much to offer in
relationship. I have a need to share the person that I am
with others. I am truly frightened at the prospect of my
independence and new found "freedom". I feel
like a teenager faced with a multitude of choices but
much more aware of the consequences. Is all of this
emotional upheaval normal do you think? I look forward to
your response. I am interested to discover if you are
male or female? I am guessing male with sensitivity.
From: Bernd
I’m male...and about the sensitivity part...I
have to take the 5th! Actually, a lot of what I write
here comes from insights that both Lynda and I have
stumbled across in our struggles, so even though I might
be the main mouthpiece, both of us are very much here in
whatever I write.
I think you hit on one of the key issues -
abandonment, including our abandonment of ourselves. We
fear this because it’s ALREADY happened, and has
been happening almost all our life. It’s the
“how and why” that we have such a difficult
time getting a handle on.
Here’s my best guesses so far in my own
situation. I believe that the baby, small boy, teenager,
adult, and old man all exist in me, and are all timeless
parts of who I am. Each have their unique strengths and
weaknesses; the child’s biggest vulnerabilities are
his innocence, defencelessness, and powerful emotions. My
adult’s biggest weakness is - ironically - his
logic, which can be twisted in circles by others who know
how to pull the right strings.
So my adult has learned that whenever he tries to step
in and protect the little boy, or help him out, he often
screws things up, because he’s using faulty logic
(fed to him by others who have wanted to control him). So
he does the “logical” thing - which is
“nothing”, unless he absolutely has to step in.
In other words, most of the time, my adult abandons the
little boy inside me.
This scares the hell out of the little boy, who does
the next best think - tries to find SOMEONE to help him
feel SOME safety and love. And here comes the real
twister - my adult and my little boy are most attracted
to women who are in the same abandonment struggle - only
THEY have the amount of empathy that gives the future
some sliver of hope. So my adult tries to redeem itself
by showing that it can take care of my wife’s inner
child, and vice versa. But it don’t work, and the
hurt and the anger just keep piling up the longer we try.
This view of our marriage has helped us pop a lot of
puzzle pieces into place. I abandoned my little boy
because I had lost hope I could ever have a good
relationship with him, without hurting him even more. Now
I realize that was the BIG lie fed to me almost all my
life, and as long as I bought the “logic” that
I “deserved” to feel “shame” over
certain of my feelings, thoughts, and past experiences,
then I would keep buying into the “big lie”.
Shame and fear are the weapons others use to abuse and
use us, and it’s the weapons we learned to use on
ourselves in our struggle to survive. Why do we hurt
ourselves? Because at least if WE do it, we have SOME
measure of control - both over the damage we sustain, and
the amount of abuse other people give us.
Anyway, that’s the long short version.:) To me,
everything that you are feeling and struggling with is
VERY natural, in context with the struggles you’ve
been dealing with up to this point in your life.
I’d suggest looking at the disease of
codependency as a companion disease to alcoholism. They
have the same roots; instead of using alcohol to numb our
pain, we use relationships in equally unhealthy ways. The
difference - and the reason why AA isn’t the best
place to treat codependency - is that long-term
abstinence ISN’T part of the healthiest healing
path, in my opinion.
Any recovery work you do dealing specifically with
your codependency issues might seem like a
“double-burden” to you. After all, recovering
from alcoholism is hard enough work. But I believe the
opposite is true. codependency recovery work will
actually HELP your other recovery work; sort of like
having 2 horses hitched together that are able to pull
their combined load much easier than when they were
hauling it separately.
When you feel like a teenager, the teenage part of you
is coming out. Want to build a great relationship with
yourself?” Treat that teenager in a loving way -
take her to dances, to crazy teenage places and events,
and let her know that when others try to shame her,
you’ll be by her side to remind her that
there’s NOTHING she needs to feel ashamed over. If
you can begin to do that with your teen, your little
girl, and all the other parts of you, you’ll start a
healing process that will just amaze and awe you. The
child inside you has a very special relationship with
God, and right now, you can only see the tip of the
iceberg of it. It’s time to start discovering all of
it.
From: cautious
Another question... I have been physically separated
from my husband since May of last year. My children and I
moved out of our home and we moved in with my Mom who
lives about 7 miles away. As I have shared, I am a
recovering alcoholic, I have been in recovery for 8
years. During the course of my recovery and during the
course of 14 years of our marriage, I tried
unsuccessfully to bring my husband to counselling with
me. He did come for about 6 months and was o.k. as long
as the focus was on me and my "stuff". As soon
as the discussions began to address issues that he needed
to look at (especially childhood stuff} things began to
come up that prevented us from continuing. The things
were excuses I now realize. I continued to receive
counselling anyway and attended many AA and Al Anon
meetings. my husband did not drink alcoholicly but did
have thinking and behavior associated with the disease.
The healthier I got, the more distant, withdrawn and
angry he became.
I made the decision three years age that I would
continue toward my goal for a Bachelor's degree that I
began in the 70's. Our marriage continued to disintegrate
and I moved to the other side of our duplex a year and a
half ago. The living arrangement was left unaddressed by
my husband and as long as there was no
"fighting" it was as if nothing was amiss. I
was becoming crazier by the day. After many many attempts
to enter into discussion I came to the realization that
there was absolutely nothing that I could do since he was
choosing to live in denial and refusing to participate in
relationship. This is my current dilemma. I did not see
another man for three months after moving out of the
house. I had no intentions of seeing anyone and was
definitely not looking. As the story goes, I cane into
contact with a man that I had known in recovery through
the program of AA. We had connections also through an
agency devoted to advocacy for developmentally disabled
individuals that I had recently become involved with. Our
relationship has grown and I have experienced a love that
I never new existed. It frightens me. I will continue
this saga in segments as the story line gets involved. I
am dealing with many issues at this time and I appreciate
the guidance that I am receiving from you and Lynda.
Thank you for being willing to promote healing and love.
From: Bernd
I'm going to be a revolutionary and explore something
you said that I think holds a key: " He did come (to
therapy) for about 6 months and was o.k. as long as the
focus was on me and my "stuff"." I think
one of your main struggles right now - and this is very
much a natural codependency struggle - is trying to get
your husband to change, to help YOUR recovery. The reason
you are encountering frustration is that it doesn't work
- and it didn't work for me either.
The road of recovery has many traps along the way, and
one of the trickiest ones involves humility. Humility
isn't being modest, it's an integral part of being honest
with ourselves. When we are wise enough to take care of
our own recovery perfectly, then we'll be wise enough to
take care of another person's recovery. None of us, in my
opinion, will ever attain that amount of wisdom in one
lifetime. So each time we try to coach, cajole, entice,
etc. another person into AA, therapy, or any recovery
process, we are on very slippery ground. We are deluding
ourselves into believing we're wise enough to be that
other person's higher power.
That doesn't mean we can't share our best guesses and
insights when invited to, but it DOES mean our attempts
to "help" will usually have unwanted effects
when they're unsolicited.
Love involves unconditional acceptance and respect of
another human being's choices, even when they're choices
we don't like - ESPECIALLY in such cases. It doesn't mean
we allow others to walk over us; rather, it means finding
solutions whenever possible that don't require THEM to
change.
With the screwed up examples of "love" we've
seen during our lives, it seems that this kind of
acceptance is wishful thinking and impossible. In my
experience, I've not only found it's possible, but it's
healing powers are astounding. In Al-anon, it's part of
"detachment with love". When I first began to
have a glimmer of hope I could practice such acceptance,
I was still trapped in my "all or nothing" kind
of thinking. Now I realize that such acceptance is more
like a sliding scale - the closer I get to complete
acceptance (and I'm still a lonnnng way off), the more
healing I do, and the more magical and free life becomes.
Lynda became angrier too the longer I was in Al-anon,
but a big part of that was because I was trying to tug
her along with me, and "help" her recover too.
That was unhealthy control, and a common pitfall for
anyone in a 12 step program. Her anger was very
appropriate.
A final note. My guess is that part of the deep
feelings your new relationship has invoked likely comes
from a fountain of new hope inside you. It's easy to
mistake this joy for love. While both of you have a good
dose of AA recovery under your belt, you may both still
have many unaddressed codependency issues - and
codependency is every bit as slippery a disease as
alcoholism is. It is very easy to substitute one
addictive behavior for another, especially when seem to
have "successfully" licked the more visible
one. If you want to give this new relationship the best
possible chances to grow in healthy ways, my strong
suggestion is to begin tackling your disease of
codependency with the same surrender, humility and
dedication to "sobriety" as you have your
alcoholism. You may have to dig a little bit harder for
the support tools and networks, but they are out there.
Hope some of this helps.
From: cautious
Bernd, You are right on target with the issue of
codependency and I appreciate your honesty. Humility has
at times been a struggle for me but I am truly learning
that it is only through humility that I can allow room
for self awareness and growth. I recognized a few weeks
back the unhealthy aspects of my current
"budding" relationship. I became aware that I
was replacing self awareness with "plastic
fruit" as I put more and more energy into this
fountain of hope that was glimmering in my heart. I am
happy to say that I was able to address my awareness with
the other person and we have been working on accepting
the gift of friendship that we have but with open eyes
and careful reflection. Finding your web page has been a
gift from my Higher Power, God, that helps in this
awareness. I am pondering the thoughts that you offer
concerning my desire to "change" my husband.
You are right in stating that a part of me wants him to
change so that my life will get better, a purely selfish
motive. I am realizing that I do indeed have the power
and ability to be the Captain of my own destiny. I am
beginning to understand in my heart of hearts that no one
holds the key to my happiness except myself and my God.
It is hard at times, this growing up and being
responsible. I wouldn't trade the freedom that it is
affording me however for anything. I am encouraged to
continue moving forward and I am willing to humbly
acknowledge my human foibles. I become frightened when I
look at the BIG picture and forget about the day. I still
have much to learn and I am gifted with a desire to do
just that. I thank you and Lynda for your ministry in
healing. I am praying for you both and I look forward to
continued contact.
From: Bernd
Dear Cautious, You last letter sounded very solid. I'm
reminded of the saying "seek and you shall
find". You are making discoveries, and healing, as a
direct result of your ongoing seeking for recovery and
healing, and I know your shares are an inspiration to
others who are going through similar struggles.:)
I noticed you used the word "selfish". Let
me put a slightly different spin on this word. When we do
something that benefits us, our motive IS selfish.
Ironically, the problem I find is that we are not selfish
enough! Huh????
You, and I, want more serenity, joy, and happiness in
our lives. If we try to get it in ways that only get us
"part way there", or send us down false
detours, then we are actually settling for LESS than what
we really want. To be REALLY selfish means finding
solutions that give us the MOST of what we really want
and need. In my experience, the only solutions that give
us the "most" involve genuine love, which is
always win/win.
Focusing on your own recovery, and learning to let go
of trying to change your husband will bring you more joy,
happiness, and serenity - and sooner - than trying to
change him. This is the most "selfish" route,
because it gives you back the greatest rewards. (while
trying to change another person only brings us more
frustration). And the paradox is, because the most
"selfish" route involves genuine love, it is
also the most "unselfish", because NO ONE loses
- everyone gains. Your husband gains because his anger at
your attempts to control dissolves away, letting him hear
HIS higher power that much clearer. And, he's able to see
much more clearly how a commitment to recovery DOES bring
about real change, and healing. Which is what you are
hoping he'll see anyway, right?:)
Be selfish. Be very very selfish. I am, and so is
Lynda.
From: Cautious
I do hope that my husband will see the rewards of
recovery but not to the end that we become a couple
again. I have realized over the past several years that
the bond that drew us together never involved the concept
of healthy love. We were both injured children with a
multitude of needs. The difference between us is the fact
that I sought healing and wholeness while he chose to
remain the victim. I am happy to say that when I came to
the place of making the absolute decision of physically
leaving it was made from a place of action, not reaction.
I have since had many doors open to me that God is using
to show me that I will be o.k., even though the road may
at times be very slippery. I guess that I do understand
what you tell me concerning the need for selfishness, yet
I find myself struggling with the difference between
motive and gain. I attempt to the best of my ability
these days to make a fearless and searching moral
inventory of all of my actions. I attempt to examine my
thoughts before the action is even taken. I am a bit
fuzzy on the areas of relationship however. I told you
that I have met a man that is also seeking recovery and
he has a solid grounding in the process. We did recognize
after dating for about four months that some very
codependent behavior was showing up in our times
together.
Actually, I realized the dysfunction and my solution
was to achieve distance and my route involved accepting
an invitation from another man for a date. What I
discovered so far in the mix is that I am more confused
than ever about what is right and appropriate under the
current conditions of my life. There are two things that
I know clearly, one is that I am not interested in a
sexual relationship and the other is that I am not
entirely comfortable setting boundaries in this area. I
know that a part of the dilemma stems from non existent
boundary training as a child. (I slept in my parent's
bedroom until I was 13 years old. I watched my father
take part in 4 affairs that I know about and I watched my
Mom act as if nothing was happening.) It is alot of
information that I am giving you in a condensed version
of the reality but I pray that it is sufficient to bring
you and Lynda to a better understanding of my confusion
and insecurity in sexual and relationship matters. Ask of
me any questions that might help in aiding recovery and
processing. I appreciate your continued suggestions and
support. Consider having a wonderful day. I plan to do
just that for the next 24 hours.
From: Bernd
Each step of exploration brings us one step closer to
where we need to be, no matter whether that step takes us
momentarily further away, sideways, or forwards. Our
paths are winding ones, which is why I use the phrase
"my best guess" so often - all I can do is give
my best guesses as to why things are - or have been - the
way they are (or were).
Something you said struck a chord in me. You said
"I have realized over the past several years that
the bond that drew us together never involved the concept
of healthy love". I'd like to suggest you take a
second look at this; my guess is that you are dealing
with the same kind of paradox we are.
Paradox? Your statement rings true, and solid. My gut
feeling is that the same phrase WITHOUT the word
"never" is also equally as true. Huh? How can
this be?
I believe that one of the main purposes of love is to
help us heal. It tries to heal us incessantly. That
process is confusing as hell to us much of the time,
because the shit that it's trying to heal is buried so
deep inside of us, we aren't consciously aware of it much
of the time. Some examples: repressed childhood abuse
memories, stuffed anger and rage, etc.
So love, in order to heal us of the unseen cancers
within, HAS to find a way of bringing those cancers to
the surface, so that they can be released - forever. That
process is very painful, and most of us run away in
terror at the thought of re-feeling such intense pain and
anguish. Alone, most of us are able to keep that shit
stuffed away inside. So, our inner soul does the only
thing left to it - it leads us to seeking out a partner
that will fling open those trapdoors inside of us without
batting so much as an eye! If we are trying to stuff away
the shit from past childhood abuse, it leads us to a
relationship with someone who's abusive!
Just a reminder - these are just my best guesses so
far. But if there's some truth to that, it makes a lot of
sense out of why we keep going back to
"unhealthy" relationships. Yes, they are
unhealthy, but they are also very healthy. Like water -
we can use it to quench our thirst, or we can drown in
it. What WE do with it once we have it determines its
nature.
So how do we get tripped up? The real baggage that
keeps weighing us down are the beliefs we've been taught
- about love, our own worthiness, and the relationship
between our head and our soul. We look for reasons for
our pain, and our frustration with our partner, usually
without trusting the wisdom of our soul. Our relationship
with our soul was ripped from us as children, and we find
it terrifying to rebuild it. But that is exactly what we
must do. Our brains alone can't handle the healing task -
any more than a paper airplane can fly us to Disney
World.
In my relationship with Lynda, I have to constantly
remind myself that when I want to run from our
relationship, or leave because it's too painful, usually
my brain - and not my soul (inner voice) is in the
driver's seat. When I take the time to find out what this
pain is trying to help me see and heal, I usually
discover something very important. If I take the time to
let my inner voice help guide me, I can let love do what
it wants to - some important healing. As this process
unfolds, I find I surrender my need to know "why is
she doing this?", and get closer to a point where I
can calmly put whatever distance I need to between myself
for whatever time I need to.
Once I've had real healing, I find that what used to
cause me so much pain and frustration before no longer
does; it's like a protective glow envelopes me, and any
arrows shot at it just dissolve painlessless before they
can even touch me. That's what I want; the old armor was
hellish uncomfortable, hot, and made it very difficult to
hug anyone else.
I don't have anywhere near the amount of
"glow" that I want. But I'm not willing to
settle for cheap substitutes any longer. No way, no how.
My relationship with Lynda has been the healthiest, and
the unhealthiest relationship I've ever had. Which one
it's been for me - from moment to moment - has depended
on me. My best guess anyway.
From: Bernd (part 2)
I wanted to comment on something you mentioned in your
post that I suspect you’re trying to make some sense
of. In another post (I’m not sure to who), I talked
about overt (open) and covert (hidden) sexual abuse, and
how damaging covert abuse is, and how more difficult in
many ways it is to uncover. Do not minimize the extent of
sexual abuse you dealt with as a child - my gut feeling
is that this issue is at the core of your deep struggle
with shame and guilt about many things in your life, and
must be addressed before any real healing can continue.
In “Letters From Woman Who Love Too Much”,
Robin Norwood has a section of letters from sexual abuse
survivors, and she sheds a lot of insight (in my opinion)
on this area. In my view, you were placed in an untenable
position by your dad’s affairs. You were faced not
only with the impossible struggle of either keeping the
secret - or letting it out and destroying the family -
but also sleeping in your parent’s bedroom right
smack in the middle of the war zone left your boundaries
in tatters, and made it impossible (very terrifying) for
you to come to healthy terms with your own growing
natural sexuality. It would have been impossible for you
to feel any safety even “feeling” your own
sexual feelings in this atmosphere.
Even more, to have tried to assert your own boundaries
in that situation would have been tantamount to adding
sparks in a room filled with dynamite. The only safe
thing left to you was to shut your boundaries down
completely. “ I.e, “Don’t make waves, and
cross your fingers that you make it out SOMEHOW in one
piece”.
If my hunches are anywhere close to the truth, then
the only way you’ll find the answers you’re
looking for is to begin searching at this root. No matter
how much we weed our garden, as long as the roots stays
hidden, our weeding is ultimately futile, or next to it.
Whatever the truths are, you know them somewhere
inside. All I can do is give you my guesses, and hope
that somewhere something I say echoes what you already
know deep inside, but have been doubting whether
it’s true or not.
From: Cautious
Bernd, I am not sure what caused the effect that I
experienced when I read your last posting to me, I am not
even yet sure clearly what my thoughts are. When I read
the response, I first cried a bit, then I had to walk
away completely and let it go for a day before I could
even muster the energy to reread and process. This
morning, as I reread the posting, I realized that what
you are saying, particularly about the sexual abuse thing
being at the core of my struggle with shame and guilt
must hold strong truth.
I cringed at first when I read the words "sexual
abuse". I have excused the behavior of my parents
for years as anything other than sexual abuse because I
was not physically molested. Perhaps Bernd, the emotional
trauma of subtle innuendoes and unspoken lies that a
young child was left to unravel were a worse sentence. I
have been in counselling for five years. These past few
months, due to school demands and scheduling conflicts I
have had to take time off to "get my life in
order" on other levels. During the course of my
counselling experience, we have discussed the issue of my
sexual insecurities. We have addressed ad nauseum the
unhealthy situation that I grew up in. Discussion is not
healing. As I read what we have corresponded to one
another to this point, I sense that I have continued to
attempt to excuse parental behavior that was completely
inappropriate and unloving.
The second paragraph of your response to me is the
segment that brought me the most emotional trauma as I
read. the memory of keeping the "secret" (no
doubt many people were aware of the craziness I am
totally ready to search at the root to uncover and heal
from the misery and hurt that still controls a major
portion of my ability to be free. I thank you for your
continued willingness to lay your own pain on the table
as a tool for helping others to heal. I believe that my
own healing has the intended purpose of spreading or at
least offering to share and carry the pain of others til
they are willing and able to turn it into healing and
carry it themselves as a tool rather than a weapon for
self loathing. It appears to me that you and Lynda are of
the same mind. Thank you.
God is very very gracious to me. I am afforded with a
very special friend right now that sees in me what I have
not seen in myself, or at least have been unwilling to
embrace. More than anything I desire to do my share in
helping this relationship to grow and benefit both of us.
This man has also had his share of injuries and God saw
the benefit of allowing us to heal segments of our pasts
on the same road for the time being. I am grateful for
comment pages such as yours as well as the daily readings
that you and Lynda are composing to guide us through some
very difficult side roads that we have experienced
together. I pray that the openness and willingness to
share may also benefit others that may come across your
web page. I look forward to hearing your further
insights... I truly desire healing from my shame issues.
From: Bernd
Right on Cautious. And yes, healing is not
"head" work - as many recovering alcoholics
know all too well. It requires abandoning many of the
things we "thought" were true, and surrendering
our will to a power greater than ourselves, which speaks
to us lovingly and wisely through our soul.
A quick note about therapy: therapists - unless they
have been on a true healing journey of their own in the
same kind of issues we are dealing with - often spend a
lot of time tackling the measle spots, and missing the
the root cause of what is causing those spots. If you
want healing from your past sexual abuse, you will be
more likely to find it with a therapist who has such
healing experience of his/her own. I have been through 4
therapists, all of which failed to diagnose a major root
of my own struggles - chronic biologically-based
depression.
When something I - or anyone says - strikes deep
echoes inside of you, it's your soul trying to bring the
hidden pain - which acts like a hidden cancer - to your
attention. Embrace this pain - it won't harm you again,
although it hurts like hell. Only by bringing it to the
surface can it be released. A sexual abuse survivor's
support group can really help give you a safe place to
truly release that pain bit by bit - forever.
Your shares ARE helping others, and will continue to
help others far more than you'll probably ever know. In
AA, they say "you can't keep it, until you give it
away". Your willingness to bare your soul in front
of others will come back to you in spades over and over
again. It's the way love really works.
From: Cautious
Hi Bernd, this morning I completed the financial
affidavit necessary for moving forward with my divorce
proceedings. I find myself experiencing a number of
emotions, even though I have acted in this situation
rather than reacting. You already know a bit of the
history surrounding my marriage. Currently, my spouse
remains unemployed and is doing nothing to chance that
reality. He has exhibited strange behaviours that
although not physically threatening to myself or my
children, have had a great emotional impact on us all. He
appears to be living in the past in his mind and has
little connection with the things that he needs to deal
with today. He has lost four jobs in the past year yet
refuses to seek help, playing the role of the victim who
is not understood by others. I have tried all that I know
to help him yet I still feel "obligated" to do
something for him. There is a certain amount of guilt
that comes from being the person who has initiated these
proceedings. I attempt to talk with others who have had
the experience and that does help yet I remained
frightened of making the wrong decisions. I try not to do
anything on the spur of the moment though at times I
fight hard to act and not react.
I am not sure why I posted these thoughts this morning
except to touch base again and perhaps through my musings
you have seen something that will lead me to further
sharing and healing. Thanks for being here.
From: Bernd
Doubt and confusion are necessary parts of building
faith in ourselves. Let yourself have them; let yourself
make mistakes. The dangerous people are the ones that act
without that inner struggle, and avoid doing anything if
they feel they might "screw up". Doubt is the
doorway to faith. And there are many many doors we gotta
pass through.:)
You're probably noticing that the more aware you
become of your own dysfunctions, the clearer you see your
partner's. Try to remind yourself that, there but for the
grace of God, go I. And also keep in mind that his higher
power has his own timetable, and your partner may not be
ready yet to begin a healing journey of his own. Support
his Higher Power's timetable, and keep focussing on your
own recovery, letting him be as imperfect as he needs to
be right now. It may very well be that YOUR recovery is
an important part of helping HIS higher power get through
to him. Your example will help a lot; it may be one of
the puzzle pieces. After all, when you check deep in your
heart, isn't there a wish that your ex find the same hope
and healing path that you've found? You're doing exactly
what you need to do, in my humble opinion.
From: Cautious
I picked up a copy of Women Who Love Too Much... Two
pages and I was hooked and identified. Thanks for the
suggestion. I am always glad when God provides a resource
at a time that I am ready to receive it. I continue
forward and have made an important decision on my own
behalf. I have dated a man that showed a lack of respect
and consideration for me or my boundaries ( I must admit,
in the beginning I wasn't especially clear where my
boundaries where, both with myself and with him). I
discovered through prayer and meditation and in sharing
with a friend as well as through your insights that the
connection that I had with this man was based on a sick
connection in my own mind between him and my ex. I
unconsciously, I believe, felt that if I was "good
enough" I could fix the mess this time. Thank God
that I was spared a great deal of harm and spared the
experience of hurting another that I do share a special
bond with. This recovery stuff is a work in the making
but I wouldn't trade the hard work and the blessings that
are received for any of the pain that comes with
continued denial and fear. I will continue sharing and I
thank you again for your willingness to help in the
healing.
From: Bernd
I found her sequel “Letters from Woman Who Love
Too Much” even more powerful. By the way, *I* still
have a lot of difficulty with many types of boundaries,
especially emotional ones. I probably always will. I
don’t think ATTAINING solid boundaries is as
important for me though as realizing that my boundaries
are imperfect. It helps me keeps things in perspective
when they feel violated - it brings me back to reminding
myself that it isn’t the other person’s
“fault”, as much as just a normal consequence
of me not having as good boundaries as I’d like.
Sorta like not blaming someone for walking in the house
when the door’s wide open.
It sounds as if you are getting some great insights.
Thanks so much for sharing them with me and so many
others.
From: Cautious
I am amazed as I continue down this path of self
awareness. I find that I am not always so ready to run
from uncomfortable feelings the more healing I find. I
remember in the beginning of my recovery, my counselor
suggested that I place a chair in the hallway by my front
door. He suggested that when I had the urge to
"leave" myself that I sit in that chair for a
bit. There were never any time expectations on how long I
had to sit just to make the effort to be still. It was so
difficult at first. I wasn't able to sit for long and I
had some crazy thoughts going on. I don't remember when
it started to happen but I began to listen to those
thoughts. I became amazed at how often I would either
belittle myself or shoot myself in the foot before I even
ventured taking a step.
I have been in recovery from alcoholism for eight
years now. During these years of healing I have also
found Al Anon (although my spouse was not an alcoholic)
Codependents Anonymous and Adult Children of Alcoholics
(ACOA) (my parents were not alcoholic either). I found
that although there was no actual occurrence of
alcoholism in my experience, aside from my own addiction,
the ways that the people in my life responded to one
another was very dysfunctional.
That is a word that receives much press these days and
at times I wonder what relationship isn't dysfunctional
but I am truly finding that there are people in this
world who may make errors and may even hurt my feelings
but they are seeking and finding a better way. The
healthier I get, the more serenity and self-acceptance I
find. I will not begin to tell any of you that I am
always good at this recovery stuff, I have had my share
of days when I have pulled the blankets over my head
rather than do the "hard" work required to move
forward. It just doesn't feel comfortable for too long
anymore. I am finding that life is worth the living as I
continue to seek my Higher Power and allow that power (in
my case, the God of the Scriptures) to take care of those
things that I cannot change. At times I still get angry
at how many of those things there are!!!!!
I want to wish all that read these pages courage to
walk forward toward the gift of recovery. It is truly a
gift and one that you can continue to open... one day at
a time. Thanks for listening. I plan to continue to post
my way through the divorce I am experiencing and through
the gift of a growing relationship that I have been
blessed to receive.
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