 Husband Takes Little Interest -
Petal
Hi, my problem is my husband takes very little
interest in the family or his children...he doesn't hold
down a job...or help out much with the household. I am
exhausted trying to keep things going smooth here for all
these years. I do do things for me,but I feel sometimes
that I am playing Cinderella,and being used as a maid and
a paycheque. I would like some of your insights into
this. Should I just continue to let him do whatever he
wants? Even if it seems to be at our expense? I am
confused because I really love him and want to accept him
for who he is, but how much do you accept?? He suffers
from depression too: ( Thanks
 From: Bernd
You and Lynda have a lot in common. She struggled -
and still struggles - with the same kinds of things. Does
the line “when is it going to be MY turn?” ring
a bell with you?
I suspect that, at times, your partner can be very
kind, gentle, and you feel soft and cuddly with him. If
so, it’s frustrating when all of a sudden he seems
to “switch that off” - often for long periods
at a time.
I’m going to ask you “what are you doing for
YOU”? My guess is that a lot of choices you make are
to try to “keep things going smoothly”, or as
smooth as you can make them. But it’s a LOT of work,
isn’t it?
Lynda has had a terrifying deep-down fear of
abandonment for as long as she can remember; a lot of
that terror comes from her background of childhood sexual
abuse, I believe. As long as she’s
“alone”, the little girl in her is terrified of
the monsters from her past coming to get her again. When
you check deep inside, how acute is the panic - if any -
of abandonment? I don’t mean how does the adult feel
about it, but how does the little girl inside you feel
when you think of him leaving, for example?
If you want him to become more interested in you, and
the kids, and feel less depressed, there IS a way - but
it’s probably not the route you think. From my
experience, the better Lynda feels about HERSELF - the
more time she takes to play with and treat the little
girl inside her with kindness, the less pressure I feel,
and the more aware I become of just how much of my life
I’m pissing away.
I’d suggest looking at what you do out of a sense
of obligation, and separate those things that are truly
essential (like making sure the rent is paid, for e.g..),
and those that aren’t (like housework, for e.g..).
Housework not essential???? I suspect that you pick up
grudgingly after him, and remain quiet about things you
feel he should help out on, rather than letting him take
care of his own laundry, or telling him you refuse to
cook for him unless you get some fair share of help in
the kitchen in return. It might pain you to see him
eating out of cans, but that’s his choice if so.
Whenever you do something that builds resentment, try
and stop yourself for a minute, and ask yourself
“how important is it?” If it IS important, then
do it for YOU. If it isn’t, look at what you could
be doing in those moments to give you BETTER feelings.
Regarding the kids, they are losing out on a
relationship with their dad - but your struggles with
wanting him to change are also robbing you of energy that
affects them. Kids have very accurate radars, and they
feel powerless to help mom get through her periods of
sadness - so they usually try escaping from it. The more
time you can spend playing with your kids because it
feels good to YOU, the less they’ll end up losing -
and the less YOU’ll end up losing. Nobody’s
gravestone ever read “I could have done more
housework”, but after our kids have grown up, many
of us wish we would have taken more time with them,
because WE missed that time.
Depression is a swamp, but climbing in and staying in
that swamp with him doesn’t help either of you. You
don’t have to leave him to get yourself on more
solid ground, nor do you have to stay; that’s an
individual choice only you can make. But what I do know
is that the more he sees you dancing on solid ground
without needing him to hold you up, the more aware
he’s going to become that the swamp he’s in
inside isn’t a very nice place to live.
Let go of him, and begin finding out how to give
yourself so much of what you’ve been missing inside.
The more you’re able to give yourself love, the more
whatever he gives you will be very nice icing on the
cake.
Hope this helps a bit.
|
