 How long to try? - Oregon
This page sure is a place of solace....Ive been
following others experiences (and posting a little, when
I feel I have something to offer) and if nothing, knowing
others are feeling/have gone through/are going through
these things is a comfort....
I’m hoping for some thoughts on effort and
healing....My SigOther (of 8 years) and I fell apart
about four months ago, essentially seperated (though
living together), and an affair on her part in that time.
About two months ago I confronted (is that really the
right word) her about the affair and we agreed to try to
work things out...
We entered couples counseling and have done about five
sessions now. We have a good counselor for the most part,
though not real structured, I guess, when it comes to
communication strategies, etc. If youve read my post,
(and Bernd’s thoughtful follow-up) you know that the
main issues were caretaking, power, and desire.
Well, heres whats troubling me....I’m wondering
how long to give this effort, and what I need in the
interim...Essentially, I just dont feel shes putting any
work into the repairs. She talks during counseling (I
often feel a little under the gun there, something the
counselor does a good job of diffusing) but when that one
hour a week is over, she brings up little or nothing
about what was said or explored. During the week between
sessions she says virtually nothing about how she’s
feeling. When she does, its rather self-centered (or
complaining--especailly about past wrongs) and
doesn’t really take my feelings into account. She
will talk if I bring up what’s going on and will
acknowledge being absent somewhat, even offering glimpses
of real caring but can’t seem to sustain them. The
thing is, I’ve been trying sincerely to show her the
things she needs (from household habits to trust) and she
can feel very secure in my dedication to our trying. But
I feel a little lost in a twisty world and it seems that
the right idea is to find some solace with each other....
It may seem crass, but I wonder how long I should give
this process?? There must be a time, clearly, when its
time to let go...and as a caretaking personality,
I’m prone to try to fix things that are beyond
repair... How long do I give her? Really, Ive shown
sincere interest in working things out for four months,
two of those months she was having an affair...so
I’m not surprised she was unresponsive...but now
what?? One month for every year?? ( a joke)
 From: Bernd
How long? I took Lynda and me 2 years before we even
BEGAN to get a handle on the issues that were screwing us
up. And another couple years of very on-the-edge times
when neither of us thought our relationship would survive
at times.
How long? If your focus is on “fixing the
relationship”, my guess is that you can count on it
taking forever. To have the kind of relationship YOU want
means - for her - that she has to meet your expectations
of what that relationship should be like. No matter how
liberal or understanding you try to be with those
expectations, inside your emotions are going to send out
clear signals of just what you really want. I sent out
tons of mixed signals to Lynda; “rationally”, I
was saying different things to her than my body and
feelings were. I wanted so much for things to work that I
was deluding myself into being “flexible” with
things that really meant a lot to me. She resisted, and
quite healthily so. It pissed me royally off at the time,
but now I’m very very glad she did resist. It forced
me to keep bringing back the focus to me, and honesty
with MYSELF.
If your focus is to use the relationship struggles as
a valuable teacher to help you heal, then “how
long” will cease to matter. That question will take
care of itself quite nicely, and healthily. What truths
you learn will help you make YOUR part of this
relationship - or any future relationship - more solid,
and genuinely loving.
When I made the commitment to stay in our marriage, I
had realized that I didn’t really gain anything by
leaving. I’d be carrying the same baggage to the
next one, and it would keep weighing me down. With our
history together, I also realized I had a lot of a
foundation to work with. To get to know someone as well
and as intuitively as I knew Lynda would take me a lot of
time and more effort. That time would take away from the
limited amount of moments I had to spend on MY healing,
and journey of discovery.
One thing that helped me was I kept reminding myself
that the more I genuinely improved MY part of the
relationship, the more the relationship would naturally
improve as a result. As a comparison, the healthier my
physical heart is, the healthier my whole body becomes as
a natural result.
And if SHE decided to leave at some point, what I had
gained inside from my own healing would stay with me. I
would be more prepared to have a healthy relationship
with my next partner. Focusing on my own healing carried
me to a new path in which, no matter what happened, the
only things I’d lose were the stones in my own
baggage that kept dragging me down.
You had a good insight in your share. You have taken
on the role of caretaker. That’s what you need to
begin learning how to let go of. Caretaking usually
involves hidden expectations - we do it in hopes of
getting our needs met in return. But what drives many of
our deepest needs is an adamant refusal (and fear) to
deal with old buried pain. If we’re not willing and
ready to deal with it, how can we expect our partner
to??? They can’t; they will fail, again and again.
And the disappointment, and sense of betrayal will
continue to grow in the relationship.
Get some counseling sessions for YOURSELF, alone. Use
your joint sessions as a way to help you see how your
choices are affecting her, and your own well-being. Bless
everything she does that results in anguish or pain or
confusion inside you. She is pushing buttons on hidden
inner trapdoors inside you that are holding old shit -
trapdoors that you aren’t able to open or even see
on your own. It isn’t crap that you caused, or ever
wanted, Someone else put it there. But it keeps messing
up your life. You can’t find true happiness as long
as it stays buried, any more than you can find true
physical health living over a buried toxic waste site.
How long? How long is a miracle worth waiting for?:)
Good luck, and keep searching. It’s worth it.
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