 The awful pain of adultery - Sadder
than sad
I am a Christian dedicated to chastity before
marriage. My friend was celibate less for religious
reasons than for AIDS-scare reasons, but he agreed to
celibacy while he was with me, out of respect for my
faith. We are both in our 40's, mature, ready for
companionship, but neither of us has ever married.
We got to be very close over the last 18 months and
saw each other virtually every day. I saw him through
legal messes and serious illness. Mostly, he just was my
confidant and friend.
I felt very committed to him, almost married. My needs
were for trust and companionship and he met those needs.
I told him I was in love with him.
He didn't feel the same way, but he never made it
really clear to me. He always told me I was very special
to him, Number 1, he didn't ever want to lose me or
disappoint me.
BUT... Over my birthday and Christmas he had a brief
affair with a "fatal attraction"-type woman he
met in my church singles' group. She told him at the
outset that she had a sexual addiction, loved to destroy
relationships, boasted of numerous affairs on previous
husbands, and had no desire other than to "get in
his pants". He went for it. He had unprotected sex
with a highly promiscuous woman. And all along, he was
angry with himself because he knew it would kill me and
kill 'us'.
I feel just devastated. For some reason, he thinks we
can continue our friendship, even at a diminished level,
because I'm a "10" and I'm so forgiving and he
needs me.
I just can't do it. I was in love with him. I see that
he had no concern for me at all, because this isn't how
you treat a "10".
Why in the world would a man choose a soulless
prostitute over someone like me?
And why can't he even remember the 18 months that we
had? He has forgotten it all...
... which is what pains me the most.
Can you tell me anything that will ease this horrible
burden?
After months of struggling, I finally told him I just
couldn't see him any more. It is just too hard. I am
beginning to see him as a heartless man with no capacity
to really love.
 From: Bernd
One of the questions you’re likely asking
yourself is why God didn’t guide you towards more
happiness in choosing a partner, instead of the
excruciating hurt you’re dealing with right now.
There’s a quote that comes to mind: “sometimes
we cry out to God when our foundations are shaking, only
to find out it’s God doing the shaking”.
A personal relationship with God provides us with a
capacity for great love, and discovery of new miracles.
However, it also brings us squarely to some very
difficult crossroads, in which we either seek to
understand the true directions and lessons God is trying
to teach us, or we take the path of following
misconceptions from what others have TAUGHT us about God
- misconceptions that lead us INTO the swamp, instead of
closer to heaven.
Jesus was foremost a rebel, and if you feel you have a
personal close relationship with Jesus, then to follow
him often means making some very difficult decisions
about current “Christian” beliefs.
There are few things that stir up a bigger
hornet’s nest than the subject of sexuality. I
personally don’t believe - although I certainly used
to - that God gave us something so wonderful on the one
hand, and then put so many chains on it on the other
hand. What Lynda and I have found is that sex is a HUGE
playground, and there are so many “safe” areas
in that playground which allow us to experience wonderful
intimacy with a partner even if we choose not to have
intercourse.
There is a fear among many Christians that once you
start on the slippery road of sex, that our hormones and
sinful nature make it probable that it will lead to
intercourse. I don’t buy that. Cage up a person, and
they’ll want to break free even more. Give a person
a huge playground to play in though, and if they have
enough fun in the sandbox, it won’t matter if the
swings are off-limits for a while.
There are many ways of having sexual intimacy with a
partner without intercourse; and the more comfortable you
feel with your sexuality, the easier is becomes to hold
true to choices about your own boundaries. Much of the
“sex” that Lynda and I have no longer involves
intercourse. Examples include nude body massages, playful
full-clothed romping and touching, verbal fantasies (I
talk to her about making love to her on the deck of a
yacht, for example). At one time our sex life was a real
struggle. Although we still have a lot of healing to do
sexually, things have changed a lot since we started
exploring the rest of the “playground”. Now I
can set off shivers and even silent orgasms in Lynda just
by soft touches, or sensual whispers. Now THAT’S
safe sex!
Celibacy is a safe way of staying out of one of the
big relationship swamps. However, most people interpret
celibacy with locking ourselves (and our sexuality)
inside a cage. We miss the beach, the gardens, and so
many other beautiful places in shutting ourselves away,
because of our fear of the “swamp”.
Ok, enough about my thought about sexuality. It is my
guess that there are some unhealthy aspects of your
“Christianity” causing you anguish (the
unhealthy parts come from hand-me-down beliefs, instead
of what Christ may have really been trying to teach). If
God is “shaking your foundations” a bit, then
you’ll have to make some very difficult choices
about rejecting some cherished “beliefs”, and
painstakingly searching for the truths God is trying to
whisper to you.
One of those areas involves your need to see yourself
as a “10”, and the other woman as a
“soulless prostitute”. There is an example in
the Bible where a prostitute was being judged and
condemned by several so-called “righteous”
people of the day, and Jesus was the only one who showed
kind compassion to her. I suspect that, in your
partner’s desperation to ease your hurt over his
“affair” with her, that he painted her in a
very unfavorable light - which you NEEDED to hear to try
to salvage some sense of self-worth yourself. If the
other woman is sexually promiscuous, then it’s very
likely desperation and fear are parts of what’s
driving that. That’s not happiness. Jesus talked
about the “poor in spirit” as being very
special.
If you really want to follow Jesus example here, talk
to that woman - not to try to change or convert her, but
to learn from her. Let her help you learn the power of
true acceptance; you may find that the things she is most
afraid of are the very things that terrify you the most.
You both just have different ways of coping. God
didn’t bring her into the picture by accident. It
may seem excruciatingly difficult to even think of
getting to know her, but that’s where the struggle
between what God is whispering and what others have
taught you really comes out in the wash. Follow the
whispers inside.
Now, your partner. He has not changed, but your image
of him, and he image he projected has. You asked him to
follow YOUR values, and felt love when he did. I suggest
that love doesn’t work that way, and that his
“change” was a natural consequence of this
“bargain”. Love means acceptance, including
acceptance of another person’s value system. Your
choice to be celibate is healthy, as long as it feels
right for you. Your need to have him remain celibate
until you marry isn’t healthy, in my opinion. If
celibacy is part of his true value system, then
he’ll stay celibate because it means a lot to HIM. I
suspect however that it isn’t part of his true value
system, and hasn’t been. I suspect that it’s an
ongoing struggle inside him.
Unless you’re prepared to let him choose his own
value system, especially sexually, without any pressure
from you, then my guess is that this source of struggle
between both of you would continue and increase with
time. If you married, you would still need to have a
certain amount of control over his sexual choices in
order to keep feeling safe. Let me throw out a few
triggers: him looking at erotic pictures, wanting to
fantasize about having other partners, wanting to try
unconventional things (such as bondage, spreading whipped
cream over you, etc.). Any of these trigger a gut
reaction?
Chances are that some of these set off panic inside
you. Sex has been a big source of panic inside me most of
my life too, and certainly for Lynda as well. What
I’ve found is that, as long as I need Lynda to
“be safe” for me, to make choices that
don’t set off that panic, I’m putting her in a
position that I really need to let God be in. When I let
my choices be guide by fear, I’m not letting them be
guided by love. That’s why my recovery, my healing
have been so important. The only way I can get better at
hearing God’s guiding whispers is to clear out more
of the old garbage and fears inside that keep blocking
those whispers. It’s terrifying at times doing so,
because a lot of that garbage forms the walls that seems
to have kept me safe over the years. To hand it over to
God piece by piece, and let go of that
“protection” keeps being among the most
difficult things I’ve ever done. But I gotta do it,
and keep having faith that - as those walls disappear,
God isn’t going to leave me high and dry. And by the
way, he certainly HASN’T left me hi and dry.:)
God brought you to this place on your path for a
reason. If you really want to transform all the pain and
sorrow you’re feeling right now into joy, then
search for as long and as hard as it takes to find out
why, and what he’s trying to help you discover and
heal. Reach out and ask others to help you. Don’t
stop until the answers you find feel warm and solid
inside; that’s God whispering, and giving you a
happy noogie.:)
Hope some of this helps.
From: Sad
It's amazing how fast recovery moves along once you
open the door to it.
Your comments were very inspiring and provocative.
Perhaps not by coincidence, they parallel some things
I've been learning and considering on my own.
There are boundaries that I cannot cross, but there is
much that is sensual and fun and loving that I can (and
gladly) do -- I told my friend I can't do XYZ, but I can
do ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOP... He was afraid if HE got started,
he would cross my boundaries, and that's why our
friendship remained so platonic. I need to help him with
that.
When we broke up, I showed him some of the ABC's, and
it was most passionate. Now, with a little healing
between us, we've opened up a dialogue... and maybe more
will come. I understand things a lot better now and so
does he.
As for God, He is infinitely wise and compassionate.
There are things I need to learn and relearn and unlearn
about Him. Much of my anger and frustration throughout
all of this has had to do with what I expected Him to do
-- you were absolutely right on that.
As for HER... I knew when I posted the words
"soulless prostitute" that something ugly
inside of me was finding expression. And yes, my friend
painted her viciously and I helped him. It's time to give
her a break. I can't talk to her or befriend her, yet.
Breaking up homes is something she admits that she does.
I don't want to get too close. But in time... In the
meantime, I hope it suffices that I haven't made life
difficult for her. She doesn't even know that I know.
You have been a tremendous source of wisdom and
comfort. God bless.
From: Bernd
It’s neat how seeing circumstances as a blessing,
rather than a curse, help to ease the suffering,
isn’t it?:)
It sounds like you and God have had a very good quiet
and loving talk.
Regarding your partner’s problem with boundaries,
my guess is the only way you can really help him with
that is to practice remaining true to your own. No matter
what another human being wants from us, when we can
respect our own boundaries with a solid, warm feeling
inside, and stop “trying to care care of THEIR
feelings”, things just work out well. In fact,
trying to help him with his struggle is like tying one
shoelace for a child when they are ready and capable of
learning on their own - even when that learning process
might be frustrating and scary. We gain confidence in
ourselves by doing, and “doing” involves making
mistakes and tripping as a natural part of the learning
experience.
A final note: because love is acceptance, being okay
with someone being angry at you is a very powerful form
of love. My guess is that it’s more than okay with
God when we are angry at him. I have called him every
name under the book, and God has encouraged me to rage at
him, to help me learn how anger can really HELP me, not
hurt me. Be okay with any anger you feel toward God; it
will transform itself on its own. Picture inside your
quiet place inside how he feels about you getting peeved
at him; do you see him getting angry, or do you see his
warm eyes and compassionate face saying “it’s
more than okay”. Let the answer you get be your
guide.:)
From: C Hoover
There is no greater blow to your self-esteem than to
discover that someone you love has betrayed you in this
way. I am so sorry.
I can see a lot of that struggle in your letter. You
make special mention that this happened during the
holiday season and on your birthday. I would guess that
he had to tell you you were "number 1" and a
"10" and etc. because it was very clear,
through your words or your actions, that you felt very
uncared for and insignificant to him. "Soulless
prostitute" is telling. Were those your words or
his? In any case, I think there is just a lot of pain in
the damage that was done to your self-esteem and that is
more an "intensity of pain" expression than
anything else. If he said it, it is probably to help him
keep from sinking into the reality of what he did. But
that's another topic...
You probably wonder if you mean anything to the Lord,
since He didn't protect you from this mess. Rest assured,
He is very mindful of your pain. I remember a passage
from my body of scripture (I am Mormon) that says God
looked over his creation, prior to Noah's day, and wept.
When the prophet Enoch asked him why, the Lord replied:
Because I created this world and these are my children. I
gave them agency and commanded them to love one another.
And this is what they do with their agency, hate and hurt
one another. Why shouldn't the God of heaven and earth
weep? All of my creations weep for the suffering of my
people. (Moses 7)
Somehow, it seems to help to know that God is at least
aware of your suffering and is weeping right along with
you. Remember, He wept at the pain of Lazarus' sisters,
too, even knowing that in a few moments, he was going to
raise Lazarus from the dead. He grieves with us in the
moment that we grieve, even knowing that He is going to
bring healing in just a little while.
There are reasons why these things happen and they
don't have to do with the quality of person you are...
Nor do they have to do with the quality of person he is.
But this isn't the time to deal with that. You're
hurting, and I'm glad you are speaking of your hurt. I
hope you will find some comfort.
Best wishes.
From: Tess who is not-so-sad-anymore
I've read and re-read your remarks to me and to
Remorseful. These exchanges are priceless, did you know
that? The diamonds that you offer us glitter like hidden
diamonds amid the darkness of our own pain. "Be
patient with ourselves, be patient with our sweethearts,
allow God to heal your, quit trying to heal others while
you are so wounded yourself, allow yourself to make
mistakes as you try to reconcile..." It's scathingly
brilliant!
I felt a burst of energy, and in one fell swoop I
created a "Dealing with Adultery" website. I
included links to your ODAT pages as a general resource.
If you ever have a mind to share some of your wit and
wisdom, I'm sure we would all benefit. Just to have
snippets of your ongoing conversations, for example, with
the few outstanding lines, but to have them all in one
place, would be so helpful. I would be glad to do it, if
you'd like.
My website is at http://members.aol.com/itstessie/sngl/adult.htm
if you want to take a look at it.
(I've hosted a website for single adults for two years
... this infidelity thing is a new venture, for me. I'd
welcome any suggestions.)
From: Bernd
Great site Tess. The phrase "the Lord moves in
mysterious ways" ring a bell here???:)
I've added it to my list of Relationship links. What
you are doing is wonderful.
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