 How much to reveal about an
affair - Wondering
Hi all...a friend pointed me here and I sure am
pleased/relieved to see this... I'm wondering how much to
information about an affair is appropriate for a
partner... Are the details of what happened important? Or
simply the fact that it did? In this case, there was no
actual sex, but pretty close. Also, there was some phone
sex... I suspect the imagination is worse than the
reality, but I know the Phone part will hurt my SO,
because he wanted to try this kind of thing w/me in times
past. I've never really let myself go with him (my SO)
and I know this will hurt him---because he always
sincerely tried to be a good lover to me.. To what degree
does phone sex count as cheating??? If there was no
actual sex, isn't it fair for me to tell him that and
nothing more...?
 From: Bernd
If you had a chance to read some of the other posts
dealing with affairs, it may help to sort out some of the
issues. Here’s my thoughts:
Our sexuality belongs to us, not our partner, and as
such, we deserve to have the right to make our own sexual
choices, including whatever emotional involvement feels
right to us.
As one member in the relationship however, we’ve
also given our unspoken (or spoken) agreement to our
partner that we’ll do our best to support their
well-being and search for love and happiness. It’s
the dishonesty, the secrecy, that DOESN’T support
their well-being or ours. It sets up a roller coaster
that usually ends up blowing trust to smithereens.
The act of trying to keep such secrets from our
partner really muddles our own contact with our true
self, and as such, we’re in much more danger of
making some bad decisions for OURSELVES, as well as them,
that can have long-lasting and damaging consequences. We
have to shut off part of ourselves from our partner to
keep the secrets, and - to keep them from suspecting (or
at least we try) - we become fake in some fundamental
ways. We give them an illusion of a loving, supportive
partner. But in actuality they no longer have the real
us, no matter how much we try to kid ourselves that they
do.
From my own experience dealing with my affairs and
dishonesty, I had to learn to become honest with myself
before I could even begin to understand what being honest
with Lynda meant. An affair is a wake-up call; you can
press the snooze button, or you can listen to the alarm
bell. It’s nothing that you need feel shame over;
your conscience isn’t trying to lay a guilt trip on
you. It’s trying to make you aware that your
dishonesty with your partner is hurting YOU, and robbing
you of life.
You are a special wonderful person inside, but most
people who have affairs don’t believe that they
really are special. The only way we can seem to get those
feelings is through the exhilarating and heady experience
of letting our emotions flow with someone who ISN’T
our partner. Why do we find our emotions dancing so much
with our “affair partner”, instead of our real
partner? There’s a lot more at stake when we try to
be our “real selves” in a “committed”
relationship; we have a lot more of our true selves
invested and at risk; we also run the real risk - as our
imperfections and our own needs become more apparent - of
our partner preferring someone who fits what THEY want,
instead of our grab bag of strengths and faults.
My suggestion is put first things first. Begin finding
out what honesty with yourself really means. There are
resources on infidelity on the net, and others sharing
their stories. Find someone in real life who you can talk
to with confidence, and use their help to find out what
was really happening inside you before, during, and after
the affair. You’ll discover things that you’ve
had chained up inside for a long while, things you want
to set free, but have been afraid to. Chances are your
partner has very similar struggles of his own.
When you find yourself able to be honest with
trustworthy people (that doesn’t mean your
cyberpartner, btw) about your affair, and able to speak
about it with honesty that comes from a solid knowing
place inside, then you’ll be ready to talk openly
with your partner about it. He may bring it up before
you’re ready to do that. But if you’ve begun
the process of self-discovery, you’ll be much more
prepared to handle his natural anger, and your own fears
about opening up, then if you try to tuck this secret
away somewhere.
Nothing happens by chance in our lives. Everything
that happens we can either use to make our life - and our
partner’s - better, or we can run away from the
diamond wrapped in barbed wire. Our affairs were the
worst things that ever happened to us, but they were also
the best things. They were LOUD alarm bells, ones that
almost drove us both off the deep end when they went off,
but they had to be that loud to get through our thick
skulls!:)
Do the searching you need to, and give the answers
whatever time they need to come to you. They will.
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