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 Really, really unsure of my
relationship and my life - Mel
I first want to say that I've already got a lot out of
this site. Its great. My problem is wondering what to do
with my relationship. A brief history is that my husband
and I, of 14 years together, are separated. I left
because I couldn't handle the "silent
treatments" any more. We're both going to
counseling. He has done a lot of changing, I think, but
I'm really confused of what to do. I'm not sure if I
still love him. I used to but there has been so much
stuff happen, over the years, that its really degraded,
possibly gone. One minute, literally, I want to try, and
the next I don't. I am happy by myself, very independent,
good job, friends, etc. I am feeling guilty about the
possibility of divorce, thinking that it may be the easy
way out.
My husband is a really good man but there is so much
stuff there from the past, and the fear that it will keep
returning, that I'm really afraid of going back. He
doesn't want to divorce and sometimes he really shows
that he doesn't, but other times he's very cool to me. He
says its because of my indecision. He also feels like I'm
not trying as hard as he is. That all of the self-help
books that I'm reading, talking with friends, and group
counseling sessions isn't enough. That I still have
problems. I am doing some individual, but I don't really
feel like I'm getting what I need, even though I've been
to several. Anyway, that the dilema. Severe indecisions,
wondering what to do, worrying about if I do divorce if
it will be the best thing. HELP!!!, really need some more
advice, similar situations etc.
 From: barry
hi Mel...have you read "healing a broken
heart"? the fact that you are seeking counselling is
a definite plus! hang in there!
From: Bernd
There are a bunch of things in your post that reminded
me a lot of what Lynda and I went through, except in our
case, I was the one reading self-help books, going to
support groups, and initiating therapy. At times, it was
AWFULLY frustrating wondering why SHE wasn’t trying
harder.
In one or some of my other posts here, I talked about
how I discovered a new type of commitment to our
relationship: whatever I didn’t heal or learn from
this relationship, I would have to struggle with in the
next one. Also, I got an breakthrough insight that helped
me immensely (see my Good Friday miracle, which I’ll
post separately right after I finish this reply); the
insight was “even when things don’t appear to
be changing, they are - it’s just that I can’t
see it happening from MY perspective of things”. For
me then, even though divorce SEEMED to be an easier route
- and certainly one that would “feel” easier
for a time, it was actually the harder one, because
I’d still have to deal with the hidden baggage from
my past in my next relationship, but I’d be older
and likely even more cynical when I reached those
crossroads.
We were together 13 years when all hell broke loose in
our marriage. Now, I realize that we learned a lot more
about each other during those 13 years than we ever
realized. It’s given us some rich soil to help
things grow, even though for a long time most of what
that soil seemed to hold was manure.
My guess - and this has been very true of most of our
marriage - is that both of you had deep hopes when your
relationship started that each other would fill some
important needs of their partner. Over the years,
however, those hopes have been draining away in a sea of
disappointment and big and little hurts. And it looks
more and more like you will either have to resign
yourself to having much less happiness and joy than you
once dreamed of, or leave and begin searching for it on
your own, and maybe someday with someone else.
Picture both Lynda and I each carrying a big bag of
invisible rocks. The weight made it extremely difficult
for either of us to dance, to play, to find the strength
to be truly supportive of each other. But because they
were invisible, both of us “thought” the other
could be more loving and supportive than we were really
capable of. That’s what we’ve discovered. Those
invisible rocks came from childhood’s that included
the effects of sexual abuse, depression, workaholism,
angry parents, alcoholism, and other crap. We
“thought” that as adults, somehow we had gotten
over them, or “should” have been able to. Tell
an adult who has been crippled with polio as a child to
walk straight. Willpower simply can’t make a miracle
like that happen.
My commitment to therapy, to searching for healing for
MYSELF, came from a growing realization that - until I
was perfect - I had no right to expect another human
being to live up to MY standards of what they should give
me, and how “good” they should be. In fact, I
began to realize that I was asking Lynda to help me keep
pain buried that I really needed to heal.
When you talk about your husband withdrawing, I know
that defense tactic all too well - because I’ve used
it for a lifetime. I withdrew because Lynda (unknowingly)
triggered old pain and anger in me that I was terrified
of. I couldn’t understand it or explain it to
myself; when I felt it, often Lynda thought my feelings
were because of something SHE did. I felt even more pain
then, because I couldn’t “fix” it, and now
it was causing HER problems too! Withdrawing was the only
way I knew of trying to keep a “me” problem
from becoming a “we” problem. Problem is it
still caused enough problems on its own. But it was safer
than the wars that usually followed when I didn’t
withdraw.
Now I’m more able to give myself permission to
withdraw when I need to. When I do, it triggers deep
feelings of abandonment in Lynda, but she’s been
realizing more that those fears come from a deep place
inside her, from past childhood crap. She also realizes
that those fears have robbed her of life in many ways far
beyond our marriage. Much of it is a result of her past
childhood sexual abuse, and she’s finding that her
current support group is helping her heal that in a way
she’s never been able to before. As she feels safer
with herself, my withdrawing feels more okay with her.
And the irony is, that - as it feels safer to her - I
don’t feel the need to withdraw as much.
My therapy is also helping me with withdrawal.
I’m able to talk about my feelings more now, without
“explaining” them to Lynda. I give myself
permission to feel thoroughly confused; if she wants
answers, I can more calmly tell her that I’ll give
them to her once “I” get them. I don’t
feel the panic as much to try to come up with answers
that ease her fears. Usually when I did, they didn’t
make a whole lotta sense anyway!:)
If there is one truth that seems to really transform
our relationship for me, it’s “everything she
does, is exactly what I need”. Every ounce of pain
or disappointment I feel over her choices opens up doors
to past buried pain that I need to heal. That buried
stuff was put there a long time before Lynda came along,
so it’s my responsibility to take care of it -
because she has enough of her own. I realize now that
I’ve buried a lot of it for so long, I can’t
uncover it myself. But Lynda sure can.:) And vice versa.
And as much as I hate the way that works at times, when I
really listen to what’s happening inside of me, and
take a good look at where those feelings are really
coming from, and let myself fully feel them, and ask my
therapist to help, I end up being eternally grateful for
each trigger she gives me. In healing the buried pain, I
finally become free of it - forever. I become a better
partner, and see her through clearer eyes. I love who I
see, and I love being able to see more of the beauty and
magic in her, and in myself.
In a nutshell, that’s how it works!:) Hope this
gives you a little help in your search for answers.
From: Kelle
YOUR letter, Mel, has been somewhat of a relief to me.
This site IS new to me, and so far I have to agree with
you that it looks like a good place to find some support.
I'm not ready to say much yet, but for the most part I
could just copy your letter. Like you, I'm 14 years into
a relationship, and I wish more than anything I could say
I love him! I wish I had the DESIRE to make it work!
WE've discussed counseling, but as yet haven't gotten
that far. We have children, and we both know that we
could never deprive them of the other parent. Besides the
kids, the faith/commitment idea is typically all that
holds us together, plus we both enjoy the lifestyle/
friends that we share. If only we enjoyed each other! He
SAYS he loves me, but his apathy seems as apparent as
mine. We've muddled along for years like this. . .it's
just nice to hear I'm not alone on the road. Good luck
over there!
From: Luise
Kelle, your reply sounds like me only now i've been
married going on 18 years. But 4 years ago everything
just went to hell as far as our relationship goes. We
have children,too, and feel as you and your husband do
about splitting up. It wouldn't make things any better as
far as I'm concerned. My husband and I get along and are
roommates but there's been so much stuff happen over the
years that lovemaking is not a desire. I like him but
don't feel romantic towards him. I find myself asking all
the time if all marriages are like this and if I should
just settle because I am married to a good, moral person,
good provided and father and it looks like we have what
everyone else wants! I have never been "in
love" with him and all the stuff that happened over
the years did not make love grow. I wish I knew the
answer because even though we don't fight i know our kids
are not seeing what a loving and affectionate
relationship is all about.
From: Kelle
Luise-- Thanks for writing--it makes me feel better
(but I'm sorry for what that means for YOU.) I could
ditto just about everything you said (our bedroom is just
a little bit warmer than yours, but I'm not sure why!!?)
Sometimes I wonder if there aren't a lot of marriages out
there like ours, as I've become a pretty interested
student of watching other couples relate to each other. I
don't even tell my spouse exactly how unhappy I am--I
sure would never let on to OTHERS on the outside that
there is trouble between us! I guess that's one of the
worst parts of it-- making believe I'm something I'm not,
and not having anyone to share my sadness with. But when
so many spouses like us keep up appearances just for the
sake of our families, one has to get pessimistic about
the whole marriage idea in general. And like you say,
what message is this sending to the children? (Right now,
I don't know what message I WANT to send to them. I'm
sure my mother did the same thing I am, so how should I
react when my daughter says she doesn't want to get
married?)
I'm praying for a more positive attitude about
marriage (in general AND my own!) But in the last few
years, the outlook has only leaned in one direction. . .
Incidentally, I don't put all the blame on my husband
for this. As with your husband, he is a good and very
likeable person, he provides well and sets a good example
for his children. The things I could complain about are
minor compared to what some wives endure. That's why I
think a lot of the blame surely goes to what ISN'T in my
heart.
From: Bernd
Kelle,
You may find it helps to write down everything you're
unhappy about (in a safe private journal), and also write
down any thoughts or memories that those bring up. I find
it really helps to clear my muddle and confusion inside.
When you're ready, share those with someone you trust
not to judge you, or make light of those thoughts and
feelings. Sometimes a 3rd party (minister, an online
email friend, etc.) and ask them for their insight, and
try to learn as much as you can from THEIR perspectives.
Then (take a deep breath), when you're ready, share
your emptiness with your husband, asking him to agree to
only listen, and keep reminding him that none of it is
"his fault", even though his behavior and
choices may play a part in how you feel. Also, whenever
you can, talk about how YOUR choices and past have played
a part in that emptiness. That process can be the
beginning of making both of you allies in finding
solutions that increase BOTH of your happiness.
Lynda and I are in our forties, and one thing we've
found is that problems that are kept buried have a way of
leaking out in other, more unpredictable ways, and as we
get older, we're less able to cope with those
"leaks".
Only suggestions, take only what works, and chuck the
rest.
From: Luise
Kelle.....it's funny because I thought I was one in a
million who'd made this kind of choice. I guess I thought
everyone else was smarter than I was at age 23. I'm
certain my mother also did this, too, and I don't want my
daughter to do the same thing. I also don't know how I
would have taken my parents splitting up (at any age for
me would have been confusing). I just know I'm capable of
having a much closer relationship and living day to day
with someone more compatable but after 4 years of therapy
and talking this through I'm resigning myself to face the
fact that this is my life. Keep in touch.
From: Bernd
Luise,
If 4 years of therapy haven’t helped much, find
another therapist! I went thru 4 before I found one that
really helped me. Many therapists are crippled with too
MUCH knowledge, too much theory. Unless someone has been
thru a recovery process of their own, and has a real
empathy for what their client is dealing with, they are
fishing with a $50,000 pole. Sometimes they get lucky,
but overall, the therapy doesn’t achive the results
needed, and like you, the person seeking the therapy
comes away frustrated and believing that they are doomed
to spend their lives “settling” for less than
they hope, or deserve.
Also, one therapist - even mine - can play just a
small part in our recovery. Much of my healing and new
freedom comes from a burning desire on my part to
“not settle”. I want as much happiness as this
life has to offer, and I’ll be dammed if I’m
going to let my chances lay in the hands of anyone else
beside me, the spirtitual forces that are trying to help
me, and the people who genuinely care about my
well-being. I deserve no less, and neither do you, or
anyone.
From: Luise
Thanks so much for the input Bernd. At last count I've
seen 6 different counselors including a Psyciatrist who
prescribed my zoloft(the best answer so far) No I don't
want to settle but I feel I have no choice as separation
or divorce would not make me happy either because they
are not part of my idea of a happy family. I believe that
as long as my husband and I get along and parent well, I
should not be the one to mess things up, thus settle. I
want to be happy but I want secure children too and at
least for now that has to be my answer.
From: Kelle
First of all, Bernd, I have checked out other of your
responses as time has permitted; you have some real gems
of advice out there! I appreciated your response to my
post as well, but it feels like the likes of you and
Luise are the closest I can get to talking to a
'non-judgemental' third party.
Like you, Luise, I wonder if I was ever in love. My
husband was a great companion, with plenty of common
interests and goals. I guess I thought I liked him so
much that a lasting love would develop in time. We still
share a lot of interests and ideas, but do I LOVE him???
I'm so ashamed to say no. Our ceremony centered on the
fact that each of us was a gift from God to each other,
and I stick with that notion like I stick to my vows. . .
so how can I even THINK that this is not a satisfactory
'gift'?
While this seems like MY problem, certainly his
behavior has contributed. When I'm not happy, it pretty
much snowballs, because he thinks I'm just too hard to
please so he cares even less. If I approached him with
the magnitude of my unhappiness, there WOULD be nothing
left.
Luise, I'm sorry for both of us to hear that 4 years
of therapy has not helped your outlook. I guess I'll
stick to prayer; it's certainly as powerful and
undeniably cheaper!!
You guys have been very valuable to me! Thanks for
listening.
From: Luise
Kelle, this is so incredible that I have found you
here. Maybe this is the help and answer I've looked for!
Whenever you write it could be me. My husband and I
always have so much fun together when we are out with
friends but something just doesn't click with us one on
one. We are very different in our thoughts and ideas...I
can pretty much plan on him not liking what I like, etc.
and his behavior with my family, kids, etc. over the
years only stiffled any love from growing. I was a virgin
and we always had such a good time together that I
thought the physical would just make a stronger
relationship. I feel like I've never "made
love" and I'm 41! But we are both Christians raising
a family with Cristian morals and values and divorce
wouldn't make me happy either.(I don't think.) C'est la
vie. When you write it is really creepy. Thanks for being
here....maybe we ought to chat somewhere!
From: Kelle
Luise-- Well, I didn't think we were necessarily lone
ships passing in the dark before, but by what you tell me
now I think we are truly rare birds! And now you know
more details about my personal life than many (ANY) of my
friends do-- having someone to commiserate with feels
like a real blessing to me.
[Deep sigh]. Man, this is difficult, isn't it. I'm not
sure where to turn to; maybe all my problems could be
solved by adopting entirely new attitudes. (Incredible
tolerance would be a good start! :) For now, I can at
least smile at the thought of a common soul that has
crossed my path. A chat would be good, I think. Any
ideas?
From: Luise
Kelle, it feels so wonderful to know you are out there
with as close to identical feelings as i've ever known
anyone else to have like mine. i do have a couple of
friends whose marriages are rocky but for much different
reasons than this. You can tell how excited I am at
knowing I can share here because i check everyday! A good
way to chat is a private room on a chat channel. I'm not
real familiar with how it works but I can find out if
your are truly interestd. How old are you and your
husband and kids? I'm guessing were pretty much the same
age. I'll get back to you later.
From: MZET
To Luise and Kelle.... What will it take for your
husbands to wake up? You both have woken up already. Most
wives by now would have had an affair...Mine did and what
a mess!
Your husbands are not meeitng some very important
emotional needs. And you probably are not meeting some of
theirs. Therefore, there is no feeling of romantic love.
You must dig deep inside and find out what emotional
needs your husbands are not meeting and then you have to
drag your husbands along to work on meeting those needs.
No matter how much it hurts them to realize that they are
not perfect. Believe me, it is better, much better than
recovering from the hell of an affair. (Don't have one,
by the way).
Try really hard to convince your husbands that your
marriages are in deep trouble. I suggest a visit to
Marriage Builders web site for more ideas. That's the
best of everything I have read.
Good luck. :)
From: Kelle
No doubt you're right, MZET, about me not meeting some
of my spouses needs,either. (Of course I KNOW you're
right.)
I really appreciate the fact that in this forum, Bernd
and Lynda can speak as a couple who have been there (and
have recovered nicely!). . . and also that there are
people like you who can help us broaden our perspective.
It keeps this from being just a husband-bashing exercise.
Believe me, I take very seriously all the good advice
that you respondents take the time to write. THANKS!
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