 My husband cheated - Unsure Wife
My husband and I have been together for more than 13
years. He cheated on me when I began college (it was a
very difficult time) then cheated again when I graduated
(also difficult year for me) and now we've been married
for almost 5 years and he cheated again (he claims it was
only for 1 week). I went and filed for divorce when it
happened 4 months ago. I did what I felt I had to do -
let him go like he wanted. After 1 month of being
divorced, we met again, I calling him to discuss some
issues re the divorce. That night he said he wanted to
make the marriage work and when I asked him if he was
dumped he denied it and after we went back soon after
that night, he told me the truth that she didn't want
anything to do with him after he told her that I threw
him out of the house. Although, of course he denies it, I
feel he just didn't want to be alone and just settled for
me again. He has told me that he realizes what he had
lost when he lost me but I feel, although he also denies
it, that if that girl would have wanted a relationship
with him, he would have never wanted me back.
Currently, we're doing ok but I personally feel there
is something missing. I want to be romanced sometimes and
he's too damn tired from all the hours he works - it
didn't stop him when he first came back to the live with
me again. Right now I have a lot of time on my hands
because I'm not working but I wish he wouldn't be so
comfortable. I've expressed all of my feelings to him and
the hurt he caused me doesn't fade overnight. He works
most of the time and when he's home, he just wants to
relax and watch TV. What about what I need from him.
Doesn't it matter anymore? We've been back for almost 5
months now and he's back to the comfort level. I need
more and he's not giving me what I need - I want more
attention but he always finds something else to be more
interesting - a game on TV, an article, a cd, whatever. I
do love him but slowly I'm getting bored and I've told
him this and he, a always, doesn't like to discuss what I
need from him. He's always hiding behind his work - he's
too tired, he's working so much. I've told him that if he
made the time to do what he did to me than he surely can
make the time to listen to me and respond to my needs. Am
I crazy to be feeling this way? Why do I want so much
from him? Perhaps if I involved myself with other things
besides him, I'd be happier. I don't know. Do you have
any suggestions?
 From: Remorseful
reading your comments about your relationship i found
i could identify with some aspects of your relationship.
if you've read my posts re: Healing a broken heart then
you'll know a little of my background.
the issues involved in our relationship of 12 years,
the most recent 5 married, are complex and ones that i
didn't feel warranted any special action on my part. my
dishonesty with myself and towards my wife, family and
friends, whilst not malicious, was never the less
damaging to 'me' and my relationships.
as hard as coping with separation from my partner and
baby son is, especially with the distant involved tp see
them, the crisis has forced me into taken a long hard
look at 'myself'. for the past 4 months i've been looking
at 'our' problems and trying to fix them, not really
focussing on 'mine'. counselling, a journal, support
groups, reading a multitude of self-help books, sleepless
nights and mornings, etc, have all helped me on that
'road'. i'm not sure where it's taking me but i'm
beginning to see things in a better light.
i've realised that i cannot help my wife as much as i
want to. nothing i can do or say is right in her eyes
*and her parents btw ;) * some of 'our' friends have
disassociated themselves, ie taken sides with my wife
which also hurts, but luckily i have a small core of
friends who have managed to stay impartial (as hard as
that is) and give us both the support we need.
From: Bernd
Lynda and I went through almost a mirror image of what
you 2 are going thru, during our 13th year of marriage.
There are 2 things that come to mind reading your
post. One is that you both have difficulty with genuine
closeness. The other is that your husband seems to have
found ways of dealing with HIS difficulty pretty well the
same ways that I did - through short affairs, and
workaholism.
I suspect that he and you seemed much different than
this when you first started going together, but what you
both hoped would happen in the relationship - and what
actually has happened - have turned out to be 2 different
things.
Let me share a little of what Lynda struggled with,
and see if anything rings echoes inside you: she grew up
in a home where her dad was a weekend alcoholic, and
where she never knew if he was going to be a kind dad, or
one that suddenly went on an anger burst. Although she
began having sex as a teen, she never had a boyfriend she
felt treated her as a person, or special. She was
molested as a child by someone outside the immediate
family. We began having sex shortly after we began dating
each other.
One of the struggles in our marriage was that Lynda
needed a sense of safety from me, and needed ME to make
her feel special, because she felt so empty inside. But
with my own emptiness, I felt like I could never be
enough, or give enough, so I tried less and less. I got
more depressed, buried myself more in “work”,
and when things started really going downhill inside me,
I had an affair - a “quick fix”, that sort of
seemed to carry me for a while.
Because one of the ways I used to try to fill MY
emptiness was through sex, and the less loved Lynda felt,
the less she felt like having sex, and the more
frustrated I became. Sound like a one-way trip to
nowhere? It almost was.
My main and first suggestion would be to get the book
“Women Who Love Too Much”, listed under the
Relationship links page. What you are dealing with is not
uncommon, but it won’t go away simply by leaving
him. Read the book, and if you find it touches you, get
the sequel. Then take whatever suggestions its author (a
woman) gives you that feel doable, and go from there. If
you find a break in the clouds, let us know, because I
know there will be many many others who will be searching
for the same answers as you.
Take care.
Bernd has been invaluable as an advisor, a sounding
board, a confidante and his insights have been a great
help to me. at my lowest points Bernd's words cut through
all the crap i felt i was choking on and kept me going. i
find myself crying more freely now when i get upset and
that feels very liberating. i've set myself new goals etc
and i'm trying to rebuild my life again. i'm still
searching for that 'purpose' or meaning in my life
although our son is and always will be one of my number
priorities...
i'd like to hope that all i'm doing will one day pay
off and that perhaps my partner will change her mind some
day and give me another chance as i love and miss her
dearly. if we ever did get back together we would have a
lot 'stuff' to sort out and it would not be easy by any
means. meanwhile i'll work on myself and heal those parts
of 'me' that are damaged.
all i can say is that up until things came to a head i
didn't think i had any problems, i thought the problems
lay with my partner entirely. i'd encourage both of you
to find a good marriage counsellor and start to work on
some of the issues that are concerning both of you. love
is something that we definitely have to maintain within
our relationships and it has to come from deep down
inside. good luck and lots of hugs!
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