 Letting go - Barry
I'm not sure if you read my last post re: healing a
broken heart etc...? but, my wife just doesn't want to
give me any hope whatsoever... our communication is at
best fleeting although she surprises me at times with
some of the things she does? e.g. sending birthday,
anniversary prezzies (in the form of cheques) to my
family? one minute she's criticizing them "blood's
thicker than water!"..next she's sending them money?
her not having the phone on means I cannot easily make
arrangements to see our son, having to go thru her mother
(who is the proverbial MIL from hell! I kid you not!)...
I have to organise someone to cover for me when I travel
up to see our son as well as accommodation. after last
weekend I thought well "that's it, it's all
over!"... but my wife coming out with "all I
ever wanted was a "nice" man..that's
all"...still sticks in my craw? I'm not perfect but
shit! what do say to comments like that? I was lost for
words... I thought perhaps it better not to say anything?
anyway.. about mother's day... as I mentioned
previously, I'd like to make it a special day and show my
wife I still love and care for her deeply but what is
"okay" ? I'm sure anything I do will be
interpreted as controlling or manipulative or whatever??
it's her very first mother's day btw... call me romantic
but I think it is an important day in a woman's life...
personally I've never needed one particular day to
celebrate anything or show my appreciation for someone
so??....any suggestions Bernd??
 From: Bernd
Regarding the phone thing, try to look at solutions
somewhere on a sliding scale of "lousy" to
"works great!", and keep searching and trying
new possible solutions that give you a chance of moving
up that scale. If something you try makes things worse,
don't sweat it...it's part of experimentation. Remind
yourself that there's ALWAYS a solution, and sometimes we
have to find a whole bunch of ways that things DON'T
work, before we find one that does work good enough. Make
a "possibilities" list, of things you could try
to lessen the phone problem, then give yourself time to
just let those ideas swim around inside, and find out
which ones seem to have a better feel to them. Then try
some! And REJOICE when one fails - cause it's bringing
you closer to one that will WORK!
Just a reminder - your wife has a lot of things to
sort out from HER past, and probably trying to deny that
a lot of it exists to herself. Don't expect rational
behavior from someone who has a swirl of conflicting
emotions and confusion inside. That includes her, and
that includes you. It includes me too, when I'm messed
up! (which is a lot of times):) Accept whatever she says
as her best guess for the moment on what she wants, and
has wanted, Doesn't make it true, just her best guess -
for that moment.
You, and I, are a "nice man". We're also NOT
a "nice man". Both. That's called being human.
The more we can accept our faults as normal, and
blessings, the less other people can control our
emotions, and our peace of mind. (The
"blessing" of me not being a "nice
man" is that - when I see other people not being
"nice", it helps me remind myself that I have
no right to sit in judgement of them, and I can share
empathy when they reach out.)
Re: Mother's Day - look at your motives. If you are
hoping she'll be happy, or pleased with what you do, you
are setting yourself up for a fall, and there is a hidden
control motive at work. Remind yourself that you're still
very much at the beginning of this path you're on, and
many of your motives will have control attempts wrapped
up in them. That's ok. If you were able to change all
that overnight, you could make a billion selling your
secrets.:) I still have control as a hidden motive in
many of my choices, but just improving a tiny bit each
day makes a world of difference.
If you do something for Mother's Day, because it feels
good to YOU, and you can be comfortable with her reacting
in a totally unpredictable way, then you're ready to let
your inner voice guide you from there. Just try your best
guess at what feels right, and leave the results in God's
hands, and let go of needing the results to be something
you'd like. If you give something out of genuine love,
you will get back something magical as a result, when you
least expect it.
Hope that helps.
How's the other recovery searches going?
From: Barry
hi Bernd!
I read Lynda's "a few word's" and found them
very insightful.. once again the strengths and weaknesses
of your experiences and the fact that you've both chose
to share them has helped me a great deal personally.
Thanks to you both!
re: the phone thing, improving communication with my
wife, etc... this weekend just gone, I was up visiting
our son and went to check with a new indoor pool that has
recently started up in the town where my wife and son now
reside. I'd asked about organising swimming lessons on a
Saturday morning (my wife takes our son once a fortnight
for lessons btw). I spoke with the owner's wife who
manages the sessions and she took down my details and
said that she'd call my wife and let her know when the
sat. morning sessions would be available. I naturally
assumed she meant calling my wife's mother's and so
looked at the number written down beside our names. it
wasn't one I was familiar with. making a mental note of
the last three digits (it is a small town after all), I
went outside and rang the operator to check if the number
was that of some friend's who live around the corner from
my wife's. strike 1. so I thought what the hell, my
nagging suspicions getting the better of me and rang the
number. three rings later and my wife (simultaneously
very surprised and pissed off!) picks up the phone and
answers... strike 2. she was obviously quite upset that
I'd discovered her 'little secret' and wanted to know how
I got the number? she tried to justify it by saying it
was only local call access, not long distance, umm...
that it was just for emergency's etc... I explained how I
got the number immediately, but she was still not
convinced, asking me who told me the number.."who
told you?" so I assume a number of our 'mutual'
friends, who we are both still in touch with (and those
that we're not?) knew of the number! she was really
pissed, let me tell you. I was deeply hurt by the whole
thing and said so. said it didn't matter anymore and to
forget about it. I think I said I didn't give a ****
about her anymore? (for which I apologised later?) all
this time, all these games re: communication etc... I can
just imagine her folks laughing behind their backs at me?
needless to say I'm over it... I told her I not to
worry that I wouldn't call her on and that she should
change the number if she felt motivated. I said I'd
continue to leave messages with her parents and left it
at that... what you said about everything that she does
helps me is right Bernd... as long as I feel good about
myself and my actions nothing she or anybody else does
can bring me down... I understand a little more of her
pain at discovering my cyber affair and my reasons for
flying half-way around the world while we were
separated...
her last words on the matter when she noted a change
in my attitude towards her were... "so are you going
to act the victim now I suppose?"...*sigh*
I gave her a letter to read, just my thoughts etc. and
she read while she was standing in front me, deriding it
line by line... I really cannot help her Bernd. I
realised that on Sunday... and somehow that releases me
from that obligation? even stranger, on Saturday night
after dropping our son off at my wife's, I went drinking
in the local establishments to drown my sorrows and met a
man called John, in his late fifties, who as it turned
out had just left his wife of 36 years. he hadn't even
told any of his friends or family, but instead had just
shot through... I offered him my heart and my experiences
and rediscovered one of the things that is that is so
great about men... our experiences... john asked me did I
love my wife? could I look her in the eyes and tell her
that I wanted only her to the exclusion of all other
women for the rest of my life?... he reminded me that I
had the rest of my life ahead of me, that I'm only young
and that I can start again... whereas he felt he only had
ten or so good years left and that he should've left
twenty years ago. I thought about your 'good Friday
miracle' story and wondered what God had in mind for me
with this chance meeting?
From: Bernd
You are seeing sides of your wife you never really saw
before (the lying, for eg.). If you can accept that she
has difficulties with honesty, it may be easier to let
her digs roll off your back, without taking them to heart
as much as you have been doing. When we are dishonest
with others, we are often just as dishonest with ourself.
Keep letting go, and trying to find the best solutions
for YOU. One of the things you've likely been very good
at doing is taking responsibility for the way she feels,
especially about you or things you do. Search for what
feels right and caring for you inside, and let her do all
the sighs she wants. My guess is that her sighs are her
way of trying to get what she wants from you - they are
control. Let her have them, and remind yourself that you
are responsible for your choices and feelings, and she
has the same responsibility for hers.
Remember, the path your on is still fresh, so be
patient with yourself. There's a lot still yet to
discover on the road ahead of you. There's freedom and
real love there too. Count on it.
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