 Hang on or let go ? - Freedom
Hi, He says he cares..He calls me special..When I call
him, he is nice....when I visit him, he is attentive.
But..but he doesn't call or come over. He says he is not
the calling type and does not drop by visiting with
anyone. I noticed that his friends are those who take the
trouble to get to him..he never makes the effort. All
this troubles me.. makes me feel insecure. I always
thought when someone cares for somebody.. they want to
talk and be together ..so does he really care? I want and
need to feel secure by his calls, his visits, his
attention of his own accord . Am I being too demanding or
am I trying to change his personality ?? I am always
holding back my feelings because I am not completely sure
of his. What do make of him?? Should I hang on to this
nice guy whose says he cares but can't seem to show he
cares or let go of him and spare myself the agony .
 From: Bernd
Confusing, isn't it? Here's my thoughts, and my best
guesses.
This guy seems to be making it very clear that he has
lines he won't let anyone cross. He protects himself
emotionally by not risking, and not getting truly close
to anyone. If someone doesn't make the effort to bridge
that moat he's built, then I suspect he takes THAT as a
sign that they aren't worth having as friends. My hunch
is that being alone has its own purpose for him - he can
keep justifying his iew of how cold and unfriendly the
world is. My guess is that it's exactly this type of
personality - the seemingly downtrodden, misunderstood -
that attracted you to him. If we can rescue someone from
the coldness of the world around them, and make them feel
"loved", it gives us a very magical glow to
know we've "rescued" someone through our love.
I've gone through very much the same thing, except I
tried to rescue women. It doesn't work, and yes, there's
lots of agony involved.
When words and actions don't ring in harmony, listen
to the actions - and your intuition. I think you know the
answers to many of your questions, but they are damn
scary to admit - likely because being rejected is tied
very much into your feeling of self-worth, of your
worthiness to be loved.
His unwillingness to deepen the relationship is a
reflection of HIS personality, not you. I suspect that
the only kind of person he'd be willing to let those
walls down a bit more for is one that he could control,
one that would do exactly what he wanted in return for
whatever "love" they were willing to accept in
return.
Now, leave or stay? In my opinion, this relationship
has a lot to teach you. It can help you discover some
important things about yourself that will help you get
closer to a more genuinely fulfilling kind of
relationship in the future, most likely with a new
partner. I'd suggest looking at staying to learn about
yourself, and what is really heppening in this
relationship, for as long as you feel the insights are
worth more than the agony. Follow your inner voice the
best you can, and let it guide you in the question of
leaving or staying.
I'd recommend reading the book "Women Who Love
Too Much". It helped me a lot, to understand what
*I* was doing that kept causing me relationship problems.
You'll find some real insights in there that will help
you see this relationship in a new light, and help you
find choices that treat yourself better, and see his
hidden control issues in a much clearer light.
Neither of you is a "cuplrit", or
"victim" here. From my own experience, Lynda
and I grew up learning from some pretty dysfunctional
examples of "love", and relationships. We
thought those examples were normal (what do kids know,
eh?) until we found ourselves being dragged through
heartache after heartache enough times, and suddenly
realized "hey, something ain't WORKING right
here!"
I suspect both of you are using the best ways you 've
been able to learn of coping with the risks and trying to
find the rewards of relationships. The pain and agony is
simply a wise old teacher telling you that each of you is
caught up in a dance where it's impossible not to keep
tripping and falling. We've all beeen taught a lot of
wrong dances.
Good luck, and take care.
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