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 Trust - Daisy
Trust is one of the biggest issues that I struggle
with in my relationship. I have been in my current
relationship for almost 4 years. We have been engaged for
most of that time...I've been stalling. I have finally
agreed to marry him this summer despite some difficulties
we still have. Short background on each of us...I was
married for 5 years--emotional, sexual abuse and physical
threats--I left after beginning an affair with another
man; I felt that if I could have feelings for another
that my marriage was probably over-after examination I
decided it was and left. My mate has been engaged
before--broke it off because he didn't really love her.
He is also a sexual abuse survivor; abused by a female
babysitter for several years as a child but "enjoyed
it"--worked on it in therapy for 1 year (we started
dating at the tail end of the therapy) and seemed to be
doing ok.
Enough of the biography stuff. Our relationship,
initially, was excellent: excellent communication,
intimacy, friendship...even our friends commented that we
redefined the limerance/honeymoon phase. About 8 months
after we were dating, for job purposes, we moved to a new
state together and our relationship came to a screeching
halt. We each did some things to create distrust (i.e.
having phone contact with former lovers) and as a
consequence bred a severe level of mistrust. Intimacy
plummeted...sex, loving gestures, etc. And for the past 3
years we've functionally been roommates as far as I am
concerned. I am very affectionate while he is more
distant. Things seem to improve but are never great. Some
of these problems I attribute to his sexual abuse...he
exhibits all of the signs and he was 1000 times better
when he was in therapy. He refuses to re-enter therapy
because of our professions and location (we are
Psychologists in a small town...and no, just because you
"have all the information" doesn't mean you can
solve your own problems). How can we get past this and
begin to feel closer again? We are actively talking about
it again because of a recent event...he went out of town
with friends and I was worried that he would cheat...I
brought it up with him upon his return so we are
rehashing all of this stuff again. This time I would like
to get somewhere with our conversations....HELP!!!!
 From: Bernd
One of the things your situation reminds me of was a
question someone asked me when I was taking karate
lessons in university: “what’s the most
dangerous karate belt level? White, because a white belt
knows enough karate to get himself into trouble, but not
out of it.”
Your sentence about having “all the
information” really struck a chord with me, because
I threw the sheer force of my brain power at most of my
earlier attempts at recovery, and it worked about as good
as using a power saw to pound a nail.
Your backgrounds in psychology are both blessings and
liabilities. It gives you both an awareness of the past
issues you’re still struggling with, and you can see
those issues in lights that few other people can. The
liability is that most psychological instruction still is
very much “head” work, while real healing - in
my experience - only comes about when we tap our
spiritual, or intuitive parts of our beings, and
surrender to truths that just whiz by our
“logical” brain.
It doesn’t matter what your spiritual
“beliefs” are, or whether you have any. In my
view, there is simply a part of us that works beyond our
consciousness in very powerful ways. Looking at it
rationally (I’m going to do a little head work for
just a bit), when we look at what medical and
psychological beliefs were 500 years ago, we can see that
a lot of what they “knew” then was primitive,
and far outcompassed by what they DIDN’T know, in
comparison to the present. I suspect that science is
lagging just as much today in dealing with the spiritual
aspect of healing, and dealing with past abuse, and
relationship struggles. The spiritual sides of our beings
may be truly spiritual, or they may be a physical facet
of us that we have only started to explore
scientifically.
But what we DO know is that those that tap into the
“spiritual” part of themselves tap into a very
powerful healing mechanism. AA, and all the other 12 step
groups show plenty of evidence of that. Mine and
Lynda’s lives certainly do.
Our “inner voice” knows fundamental basic
truths about love and life that our brains miss the boat
on completely. And considering the phrase “garbage
in, garbage out”, if part of our
“knowledge” comes from examples of
dysfunctional behavior around us, and in our childhood
(where the imprints run deep and firm), it’s logical
that we’d keep tumbling into the relationship
potholes, if what we’ve learned is from other people
in our past that fell in the very same types of holes.
One of the most difficult things for me to do is
“unlearn”, not learn. I graduated at the top of
my class from high school, so for most of my adult life
I’ve been using my brain for every problem I could
in our marriage, and in my own floundering with confusing
emotions and past pain. I did, that is, until
Lynda’s affair blew THAT way of handling things
outta the water. It’s a good thing it happened when
it did, cause I shudder to think (ooops) how much longer
I would have stayed on that dead end road if that
insanity in my life hadn’t happened when it did.
I had to “unlearn” to stop applying what I
“knew” to my struggles, and empty my mind, and
cease my efforts to try and think out solutions. Ironic,
ain’t it? But when I find the quiet inside, and the
calmness (my spiritual side), my intuition, my emotions,
and my head somehow all start working in harmony, instead
of discord. The answers just COME, without effort. And
sometimes they are so simple, so easy, it reminds me of
the line “can’t see the forest for the
trees”.
It doesn’t surprise me that your boyfriend
doesn’t want to return to therapy. In AA and
Al-anon, there are many who (unfortunately) begin the
process of recovery only to discontinue it when it’s
eased their immediate turmoil enough to be bearable, or
manageable. True recovery only happens when we accept
that we have a disease that is not of our own making, or
choosing, but is one that will continue to make our lives
more unmanageable if we don’t treat it
appropriately. An unwillingness to surrender, to accept
our inability to manage emotional and spiritual
unwellness inside of us by willpower alone, is very much
part of most of our struggles with past abuse,
alcoholism, and other emotional and spiritual trauma.
Like coughing when we have a cold, it’s very much
part of the disease.
The abrupt change in your relationship after you moved
away also makes sense. With abuse in both of your pasts,
each of you has a level of closeness that inside
terrifies the hell out of you. When that invisible line
is crossed, a flood of emotions (including panic) is
released, and one of the surest and quickest ways of
escaping that turmoil - and putting the brakes on the
closeness - is thru an outside affair. Our brain is
pretty good at explaining emotions at times, but pretty
lousy at plugging the holes in the dike when the flood
starts.
You didn’t make any mention of any therapy or
recovery process that you’re currently involved in
to continue healing from your past abuse. Such work, in
my opinion, is essential if you want to find some healthy
ways of dealing with your current relationship struggles.
If you aren’t currently in therapy yourself, your
boyfriend may very well be thinking “she
doesn’t, why should I?” He may be looking for
YOU to “fix” your problems, in much the same
way you’re looking for him to make some changes. The
more each of you is focusing on the other’s
recovery, the less attention you have available to focus
on your own, and the dance will continue, and very likely
get worse.
From my experience, nothing you attempt will lead him
back to therapy, except maybe temporarily. It was only
when I let go of trying to get Lynda into therapy, that
she eventually found her own way there - when she was
ready, and because she WANTED to. When you give your
partner complete freedom to choose recovery or not to
choose, the past pain they are carrying has a way of
coming to the surface and grabbing their attention like
never before. Al-anon calls it “detachment”. It
works, even if it takes time to develop.
If you are involved in a sexual abuse survivors’
support group right now, then my sense is that group will
help you find the answers that already lie inside you. If
there isn’t a group, I’d suggest starting one -
and being part of it as an equal peer, not a therapist. A
therapist role would very likely keep you in
“head” mode, instead of supporting a healing
process that brought your head, emotions, and
spirituality more in harmony.
There’s a saying in Al-Anon that “insanity
is when we do things the same way over and over again,
and expect different results”. We’re all
entitled to have some insanity in our lives, but
it’s also nice to more of the alternative as we get
older. The psychology hasn’t brought you to the
solutions you are looking for; maybe it’s time to
start looking at what CAN work.
Hope this helps a bit.
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