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 Can the guilty partner help the
innocent party after infidelity? - Uneasy
I've gotten so much from your pages in the last few
days in a time of need, and would appreciate any response
to my issues.
Quickly, I'm a 29-year SWM that has been with the same
woman (30 yrs old) since college, mostly continually and
exclusively. I recently (June 1996) asked her to marry me
but things went downhill for me a few month later, as I
think I feared responsibility, compatability, and the
fact that I became attracted to another. My attraction
led to a romance with a co-worker (27 yrs old) that
continues to date. I broke off the engagement in January
despite attempts at counselling and continue to date my
co-worker. My ex-fiancee is, understandably, shaken and I
fear nearing depression.
There are SO many challenges in her life now (sick
father, let go from her job (unrelated to performance),
etc.), many of which I have introduced since my-coworker
lives less than 1/2 mile from my ex-fiancée. She has
requested that for her sanity I end the relationship with
my co-worker and attempt to heal myself and let her heal.
She says that since my co-worker lives so close she has
lost her man, her town, and her church, and fears
confronting us in public, although my co-worker and I do
not go out in the town where they both live. Should the
guilty partner be involved in the innocent's healing?
Should I grant her request, or is this the beginning of a
cycle where she still views me as responsible for her
happiness?
Honestly, I am undecided about my future with my
co-worker and about the kind of love I am searching for,
and my ex-fiancee fears I am hiding in my current
relationship. My ex-fiancee agrees that she was
controlling but has tried so hard to improve herself
recently, although I fear she is changing to suit what
she thinks I want. Coupled with my my patience, I feel
her controlling ways over the year seemed to build, and I
failed to communicate my feelings, until I lashing out
and ending things. Both women are career-oriented as I
am, although I feel less pressure to move the
relationship forward with my co-worker than I felt with
my ex-fiancee. I really want to help myself and my
ex-fiancée, but am unsure how to do this best, if I can
at all. Any suggestions? Thanks so much in advance for
everyone's responses, and Bernd, if you find time to
respond I would greatly appreciate your insight. Thanks!
 From: Bernd
You said “I think I feared responsibility,
compatibility, and the fact that I became attracted to
another”. My guess is that the attraction was a
natural RESULT of those first 2 things you feared. I also
suspect that the apparent absence of similar stresses in
this relationship, in comparison to the one with your ex
(sick dad, job loss, depression) are a temporary
illusion, and you will be facing a similar subconscious
“flight” feelings as your new relationship
deepens. What we don’t heal in one relationship we
almost always face in the next.
I suspect as well that you struggle with how much
support and contact you can have with your ex, before it
jeopardizes your current relationship. Take a look at
what may be really happening here, and see if that
awareness can help you make some choices that feel solid
inside.
- you left the earlier relationship no because of any
real change in your girlfriend, or anything that she did
that was unacceptable, but because of your fears. Those
fears won’t go away with someone new; they might
submerge for a while, but like an iceberg, the submerged
stuff is really the stuff that catches us by surprise
most in the future, and wrecks stuff all over again,
often in different ways.
- I suspect that you were unsure about asking your ex
to marry you, but felt a certain amount of obligation
because you had been together for so long. If you agree
that love is a choice first, a feeling second, then you
let your sense of obligation guide your choices, instead
of making a choice that felt solid inside. Rejecting that
sense of obligation feels right on, but you may have
thrown the baby out with the bath water, in rejecting
your ex as well.
- you and your ex have a lot of history together, and
an awareness of each other on intimate levels that will
take a similar amount of time in a new relationship.
Whatever faults your ex has are actually blessings,
because long-term partners usually fit together like
jigsaw puzzle pieces. What imperfections, fears, and
struggles one has are usually mirror images of
corresponding imperfections, fears, and struggles in the
other. Your ex feels anguish over being abandoned; you
feel anguish over being clung to. See the mirror?
My sense is that the most loving thing you can do for
your ex is to take the time to listen to her - a lot of
time - and feel her pain, anger (yes, anger), and turmoil
over the loss of your relationship together. It may
jeopardize your current relationship by doing so, but if
you base your choices out of trying to juggle both
priorities, you’ll fulfil neither. If you make truly
loving choices, then whatever happens in your current
relationship will be the best path, even if it seems like
a huge leap in faith to believe so.
You may end up getting back together, or you may
become the best of friends, while your current or a
future relationship with someone else deepens. Either
way, if you go for the choices that feel loving, kind and
caring, and make those choices with integrity, and not
trying to steer the results your way, things will work
out better than you could have ever dreamed. That’s
my guess, anyway, based on my own experiences.
You and your ex still have much to learn from each
other, and the breakup seems to have been the catalyst to
start a real healing process for both of you. It is a
porcupine coming towards you with a huge diamond
underneath. Whether you get the treasure it holds is up
to you, and your commitment to truly find the most loving
choices for yourself, and her.
Hope this helps a bit.
From: Not as uneasy!
Bernd, thank you so much for your response. I can't
tell you how good it feels to get some fresh, experienced
insight!}:^)
I feel like I left my girlfriend for the fears I
mentioned, fears I have about her expectations based on
the differences in our upbringing (she from au upper
middle class family, mine not so upper!), and a feeling
that I was sacrificing my happiness (and not
communicating it!) to make her happy. I feel like now I
am making choices and doing things that I enjoy and that
make me happy, and not at my co-workers expense since she
enjoys these things also. However, I do feel the
uneasiness, pain, and pressure of my girlfriend's
experience when we talk, which is maybe 1 or 2 times a
week.
I am not sure, however, that this is what you mean by
making loving choices. In fact, I feel that the loving
choices I may make for myself would be different than
those I would make if I concentrate on trying to help my
girlfriend or my current relationship happy. You
mentioned that the choices should feel right, and not
steer the results my way...I feel I err on the other side
(concentrating on making OTHERS happy at the expense of
MY happiness!) and that, partially, that is what got me
in trouble with my girlfriend. How does one know which
are the right loving choices to make? Based on earlier
postings I assume it has to do with listening to my inner
voice, but with the everyday pressures of trying to
juggle both priorities (and I am struggling!) I feel I
cannot hear it too well. I'm not sure whether this
posting requires an original response, or if there is
another you have already made that you could point me to.
Either way, I certainly appreciate the sharing and caring
that you have shown me. I hope to return the favour on
your page when I feel more able!
From: Bernd
I've been struggling on how to answer your questions,
and I think the best sources of insight will be women
posting to this forum. Ask them what they'd want you to
do, if they were in your ex's shoes. And listen to what
they have to say, very very carefully.
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