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 Pregnant and confused - Carol
I'm 34 years old and I'm pregnant. I'm very confused.
I did nothing to prevent this pregnancy so when I found
out I was pregnant, I was happy. My boyfriend didn't feel
the same way. He is verbally abusive and puts me down all
the time. When I told him I was pregnant, he responded by
saying "It's just not the right time, but if you
want the baby, have it. I was so happy when I found out,
now I'm so sad. I don't know what to do. I have a secure
job, I have money in the bank and I feel I'm ready for
the responsibility. The problem now is because of his
actions, I don't feel the same way. I'm ready to have an
abortion. I'm in my fifth week and already feeling sick
and tired. He gets mad and thinks I'm making it all up.
He even tells me how terrible and pail I look and thinks
I'm making things worse then they actually are. He is not
sensitive at all. He is 37 but going on 16. Please give
me some advise. My time is running out.
 From: Dusty
Oh my heart goes out to you. Unfortunately, many men
don't understand (or even want to try) how it is for a
woman when she's pregnant. My own experience was with my
husband who wanted "us" to get pregnant and
then as soon as I was seemed to change into a different
person. He mostly left me alone alot but there was a lot
of emotional abuse, too. I was so sick with the pregnancy
and the stress did not help. However, I survived and my
children are the light of my life now. Whatever decision
you make don't make it for anyone else but yourself. If
he puts your looks down remember it's only temporary and
that there are many people who find pregnant women
beautiful. Besides why do we always have to look like
models. WE DON'T THAT'S WHAT. I'm tired of everyone who
only can see the physical side of someone. Just because
you're confused right now and your hormones are running
amok is no excuse for him to put you down. If you have
good friends to stand by you then you don't need this
man. Take the time to really sort your feelings out - try
to role play and try out different scenarios - say if I
did this then how would I feel in a year, or two... You
need to be there for yourself first of all and don't do
anything just to try and please or keep someone in your
life. In the end we are only responsible for our own
actions. I really hope you will find your way through
this. The people here give great advice and really seem
to care. This is a network of caring people and even
though we've never met - I, too care for you. We are all
in this world together. I hope we can all find the
happiness we deserve.
From: Damaged Shields
Do we have an epidemic of assholes out there or
what??? I'm sorry, but out of the approximately dozen or
so women I know right now, only ONE is happy in her
relationship, and I've met her boyfriend and he is the
sweetest man I've met in a long long time. It seems that
there is an entire generation of verbally and/or
physically abusive men out there right now. We no longer
have to take the blame for their behaviors. What I mean
by that last statement can be better explained by a book
I found recently. It's called: VERBAL ABUSE SURVIVORS
SPEAK OUT . And it's written by "Patricia
Evans", who is also the author of "The Verbally
Abusive Relationship"
As gentle, loving women, we tend to work on the
relationship until we are mentally and physically
exhausted, and the 'crazy making' behavior continues. We
also tend to look at ourselves to see if there's
something WE might be doing wrong, when in fact we're
simply, LIVING WITH A MEAN PERSON. I urge you and all
women to read this book, and some men too. Regardless of
whether or not you're in an abusive relationship, it can
be very helpful. It's full of stories submitted by other
women and some men, and their experiences.
Okay, now I'll get off my soap box... I'm sorry about
your situation, and my heart goes out to you. I agree,
you should seek out your good friends and find support
from them, and if you have a good relationship with your
family, connect with them as well. Take care, and HUGGGGS
From: Bernd
Run, don’t walk, and find yourself a GOOD
therapist, preferably a female who has had solid
experience dealing with emotionally abused women. Your
pregnancy has added a whole new element to your
relationship, and to the turmoil you were already dealing
with before. This is not something ANYONE can handle
alone, given your circumstances.
Your pregnancy brings physical changes to your body
that make clear thinking even harder. Whether you keep
your baby, place it up for adoption, or decide to abort,
ANY decision you make is going to affect you for the rest
of your life. Give yourself the best chances you can by
focusing on getting emotional help and support from
someone safe, so that whatever decision you make will be
one that you can come to a peace with sometime in the
near or distant future, instead of never.
You have been hoping and wishing your pregnancy would
bring about positive changes in your boyfriend ‘s
disposition, and in the relationship. This is VERY
common, so don’t beat yourself over the head for
wanting it. But it ain’t going to happen. And
depending on a baby to bring some happiness and meaning
into your life is also very risky. A baby can ENHANCE the
happiness and sense of purpose we already have, but
making a child one of the main sources means that we
often try to get emotional fulfilment from a child in the
same way we tried to get emotional support from a partner
- and it usually ends up in the same intensity of
struggle and disappointment.
An unwanted pregnancy is a very visible sign that
something is not working the way you want in how you
approach relationships. If you can get the help you need
thru therapy to deal with your immediate dilemma,
I’d strongly recommend finding and using every
resource you can on what codependency is, how to recover,
and what recovery means as far as significantly improving
your chances of finding a safe, loving, and emotionally
rewarding relationship. You deserve one, big time.
You are not alone, even though it often feels as you
are. I hope you find some friendship and support here for
the struggles that lie ahead of you.
From: Dusty
I was just wanting to write to let you know I'm still
thinking of you in your situation. Bernd gave you
excellent advice when he told you to get out. I was
re-reading my first response to you and I'm disappointed
with myself that I didn't suggest that as well because
that is really what you need to do right now. You will
need as much serenity as you can find to deal with this
situation and I don't think you'll find it staying with
this person. Please remember there are people caring for
you in this hard time. Take care - you are in my prayers.
From: Mum and Midwife
My heart really goes out to you. I have met lots of
mums in situations like yours so I do know how
"down" you must feel. I know everything seems
like a black cloud to you at present but the sun will
shine through it all. You'll see...and I dare say that
the quicker you leave the cause of your unhappiness the
quicker you will start to recover and become stronger.
Most women find the first 3 months of pregnancy very
trying. This is due to all your changing hormones and it
is nature's way of making sure that you don't over do it
as most miscarriages tend to happen during the first
trimester.
It is normal to have some degree of sickness but if it
is making you very ill and cannot keep anything down,
then you should really go and talk to your doctor or
midwife. Try eating little and often. Some people find a
dry piece of toast or a dry biscuit eaten before you get
out of bed useful. Mints are also good, as is anything
containing ginger; biscuits, ginger tea or capsules from
the health food shop. Other people find
"seabands" from Boots quite good. These act on
your pressure points inside your wrists that stop you
from feeling queasy. Try and drink plenty if you can but
wait half an hour or so after food. I have a special
interest in pregnancy sickness as I suffered from it
during my 4 pregnancies and eventually needed to go into
hospital for some fluid replacements as I was so
dehydrated. If you are very pale you might need to take
some iron tablets, so a visit to your doctor or midwife
would be very useful.
You need a lot of understanding and support when you
are feeling sick and tired and no, you are NOT making it
up. This man is an insensitive, ignorant pig and his
callous behaviour is making you feel worse, without a
doubt. A lot of men and I certainly do, believe that
pregnant women look particularly beautiful. I think your
boyfriend knows that it upsets you when he tells you how
terrible you look and this is just part of his verbal and
emotional abuse.
When you say you feel tired and sick you deserve
sympathy and looking after; by him denying this he is
implying that you don't deserve loving attention. In
other words you are not worth of love. Well, you are
worth millions and the sooner you start loving yourself
and your unborn baby the better. I have delivered many
overjoyed mums who once thought there was no way out
because they were pregnant under less than ideal
circumstances. If think deep down you want to keep the
baby and since you have a good job and plenty of friends
to support you I would really go for it...without him. I
have been a single mother myself whilst I was doing my
midwifery training and it is hard but it has all been
worth it. You sound like a really nice, sensitive person
and I am sure that you won't be on your own for long.
Some men actually quite like the idea of a ready-made
family and in a couple of years from now you'll probably
have regained your self -steam and wonder what you ever
saw in that man. Whatever you do is your choice. You and
if you have the baby, both, deserve the best and that
doesn't include mental and verbal abuse. I and lots of
other people are thinking of you. Take lots of care and
would you please, let us know that you are all right??
From: CAROL
Hi, well time for a little truth. My name is not
Carol, but I do have a friend who is Carol and she is the
one pregnant. I thought I would write her situation and
get as many responses back, so I could use some other
ammunition in hoping she will not get an abortion,
unfortunately she is. Friday May 16 is the day and I'm so
upset, I can't believe she is doing it again. You see,
she has been through this before. Last year she met a guy
who ended up in jail, she got pregnant, told him, his
response was "I'm not ready for this" I can
barely take care of my self let alone a baby. He then
broke off all ties with her. December she met this guy
Ron. He's 37 but has of growing up. He was married at 21
and divorced at 22 and has a 15yr old daughter which he
very rarely sees. Carol was happy when she found out she
was pregnant, until she told Ron. Before telling him, she
told me she was ready and she was going to have the baby.
Now she's all of the sudden not ready and having an
abortion.
If you read my previous letter in the forum, it tells
you a little bit more about Ron and his abusive nature.
I'm trying to tell her she will regret this but she says
she won't. She is 34, makes 38,000 year, has money in the
bank, and even has bonds. Why not have the baby. I have
told her it's scary but once that baby comes, nothing
else matters. Her void she feels in her life will be
filled once she has this baby. How do I convince her not
to abort. I have lost a ton a respect for her because she
is beautiful, smart, but obviously very careless. This
will be her 4th abortion in about 4-5 years. Do I bother
saying anything more or keep convincing her to keep this
baby. Then I think maybe she shouldn't be a mother, she
doesn't deserve that title. Please I need all the advise
ASAP.
From: kelle
Whew, 'carol', this IS a serious request and I
couldn't begin to know the answers--I look forward to
hearing what Bernd has to say on this one.
I just want to give you a vote of confidence that
you're doing the right thing to try to convince Carol,
and in soliciting whatever help you can find to reach
her. Are you a mother? You must be to know how special
motherhood is. Like you, I wonder if Carol will use the
situation to grow up and really BE a mother to her child.
I don't know if she considers adoption to be an option,
but maybe some counselling at a free Christian or crisis
pregnancy counselling center would help her see that
there are better ways out than abortion. It appears she
needs counselling with or without the abortion, per the
dead end relationships she keeps getting into. Maybe if
you could help her see that there is a bigger issue than
the baby (that's just an argument, because personally I
think a life is a pretty big issue) that she needs to
resolve first, you can take some of the focus off of the
pregnancy for a bit. You say she has a lot going for her,
but she must not see it the same way, or she would not be
getting into these relationships and predicaments. If she
waits to get counselling after the abortion, the fact
that she had the abortion will not help her heal her
self-esteem issues at all! does that make sense? (or more
importantly, does it help your case for Carol at all?) I
will be praying for both of you.
From: carol
hi, thanks for your response. I really needed to here
that. And yes, I am a single mother of 2 and nothing
could take the place in my heart for them. Especially NO
MAN. If this sounds like I'm mad at men in general I'm
not. I just know what it's like to live with an abusive
man and its horrible. I've been on my own for 3 years
now, I work full time, and go to school until the end of
the month. It's hard but I've done it. The children's
father has also helped me even though when we were
together he was very verbally abusive. Anyway thanks
again for your advise. If you can think of anything else,
please let me know.
From: Bernd
I'm going to stick my neck out a little more than
usual here. My personal beliefs is that, while God weeps
every time we choose to abort the miracle of life, the
soul that was destined for that body DOES find a home in
another family. I find it difficult to reconcile how
emotionally charged the ongoing debate over abortion is,
while at the same time almost of us (including me) choose
to use our money for things that aren't necessities,
while at this moment children are being slaughtered by
starvation. If I truly valued life, I would live with
only those things that were truly necessary for my
well-being, and share the rest of my riches with those
who are desperately struggling to survive. I'm not doing
that, and part of me very much wishes I was.
That's my view on abortion. I believe it is very much
a decision between the woman, and the God of her
understanding, and that the best thing we can do for a
woman struggling with such a choice is to help her - by
our example - to find the guidance that is coming from
within her the best she can.
From the sounds of Carol's history, it seems like she
has been on a desperate struggle to find love and meaning
in her life, and keeps coming to the point where inside
she's saying to herself "I thought this was the way,
but nope it isn't". The abortions have to be taking
a toll on her physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
If you are looking for a rational decision from someone
who's life is spiralling more and more out of control,
you are going to keep being frustrated.
I see 2 issues here, and I may be waaaay off the mark,
but I've been out in left field before, so this wouldn't
be the first time. The first is that a situation like
this really pulls you into some real soul searching. What
exactly is God's plan here with her? What does He REALLY
want you to do? Is acceptance an important part here, and
if so, acceptance how, and of what? Finding these answers
may take some real "listening" time inside, and
you also may find yourself getting whispers that seem to
fly full in the face of what you currently believe you
must do. Remember when God asked someone to sacrifice his
son? This woman may be a part of your life now for
reasons that have a lot more to do with YOU, than with
her. God works in very mysterious ways at times.
Second - I suspect that Carol has never had a type of
friendship with anyone that she felt safe with. And it
may be a genuine friendship that she desperately needs,
and is using relationships to try and find. A true friend
gives their thoughts and opinions, but weighs carefully
the consequences of giving them uninvited. A true friend
trusts in the power of compassion, acceptance, and faith
- even when it seems that the other person is going to
hell in a handbucket. A true friend gives their
friendship because it's a simple and natural part of love
to do so, and doesn't withdraw it or change its nature
because they don''t like a choice made by the other. A
true friend will stay by you when you are making the
worst of choices, and treat you with compassion and
understanding when you realize you've screwed up big
time.
I don't know what it's going to take for Carol to see
where her choices are taking her. God knows, and he isn't
telling me. All I know is that each act of kindness and
caring makes a difference, and we never know when one
little act we do will be the key to open the door
someone's been looking desperately for.
Search deep, deep inside for where God is really
trying to guide you on this one. When you get a warm,
solid glow - one that stays and just keeps warming you -
I think you'll find out why this is happening in your
life right now. And it will feel very very good. Best
guesses I have on this.
From: Dusty
Hi Kelle, Carol is lucky to have a friend like you who
obviously cares a lot. I read Bernd's response and as
usual he is right on the money. I would like to share a
couple of thoughts with you as well though. Bernd is
correct in saying what happens is between Carol and
"her god". I have had a couple of friends have
abortions and the one thing I know for sure is it's not
an easy solution. It's not over once the operation is
finished. Your friend is probably aware of this deep down
inside. My friends went through years of emotional
turmoil, guilt, recrimination, nightmares after they had
abortions and they told me if they could do it over again
they never would. One is unable to conceive now and she
will never have children. Knowing this may help a bit in
trying to give Carol the facts. However, she really needs
a friend to stand beside her and love her no matter what
her choice. I believe Bernd is right in saying that there
is probably also a purpose for you in this situation. Be
open to that still, small voice inside and you will find
your way. God bless. We care for you and your friend.
I'll be praying for you both.
From: carol
thanks for your info. One thing I can't seem to
understand is why would this situation be a test of some
sort for me or why does it have a purpose?
From: Bernd
I don't believe God "tests" us, to see if
we're up to snuff, or sumpin. And I don't think he helps
create situations like Carol's to teach us. What I do
believe however is that - in our willingness to try and
be a window of caring and love, and in our desire to seek
his guidance in our lives, that He/She gently coaxes us
in directions that bring us across other peoples' paths,
to help give us experiences and new insights that will
help us find the treasures of life that we are looking
for, and await us, so that we can share those treasures
with those who most need them. God answers all our
prayers; he just doesn't do it in the ways we expect.
I think it makes perfect sense that you don't have any
idea right now what his/her purpose may be in all this.
It's in the searching that we discover the treasures. If
someone hands you a diamond, it's nice, but it loses its
glitter fairly quickly. When you've dug through piles and
piles of dirt, and found not only a diamond, but a host
of other precious things during your digging, the diamond
sparkles forever, because it's not only a treasure unto
itself; the search for it is what inspired you to dig,
and find so many other treasures you didn't know were
there.
That's my thoughts. It's ok not to know. That's what
the searching will help you find. When you do find it,
both of you will be richer as a result. God seems to work
in multiples.
From: cindy
Well she did abort it and she seems fine with this
decision. But her abusive boyfriend is another matter in
itself. Carol has been seeing this guy for about six
months. Last night she told him she is going to go with
friends at work for dinner and a couple of drinks. To
make a long story short, he ended up hanging up on her
and saying "fine, well I guess I'll go to the strip
joint. This is the first time Carol has gone out with the
girls since she started seeing this guy. She already knew
he was possessive, but didn't know the extent of his
behaviour. She arrived home at about 11:00pm last night
and found 4 calls on her machine waiting for her. The
first call said" HA, YOUR NOT HOME YET, HE HUNG
UP". The second one said"" "YOUR
NOTHING BUT A F""""BCH. The third
one. "Don't ever F"""ING CALL ME
AGAIN, ITS OVER". While she was listening to the
fourth, he phoned. He repeated exactly what he said to
her in his messages and even went as far as to say that
he respected his ex-girlfriend more then her.(his ex is a
stripper). There is only so much I can tell her.
Hopefully this will open her eyes.
From: Bernd
Cindy, It’s frustrating watching a friend make
choices that bring them even more turmoil or pain, or
keep them in a bad relationship. People don’t change
however until they have something safer and better to
change to. If your girlfriend’s choices in
boyfriends is driven by a desperation, and an
“addiction to love”, trying to get her to see
what she’s doing to herself won’t be any more
successful than trying to get a drunk to stop drinking.
The most powerful motivation is example - when someone
sees another person close to them getting the kind of
inner peace and happiness they want, the contrast strikes
deep. When that “other person” has shown
themselves over time to be a true friend, it makes change
a lot safer - and it takes a tremendous leap of courage
to give up habits that have become as familiar as the
creases in our face.
Many times this process takes a long, long time. True,
accepting friendship - where you ALLOW her to make
whatever “mistakes” she needs to, without
trying to “change” her - plants little seeds of
love inside her, that DO grow in their own time. You may,
or may not see them blossom. Allowing her to make
mistakes doesn’t mean being silent, or not stepping
in to help when you feel her life is in danger. To me, it
means accepting that her choices may be a very necessary
part of her path, her process. In finding our way out of
addiction, we often have to stay in the swamp long enough
to finally realize that we are sick and tired of being
sick and tired. Surrendering our belief that we can
control our addiction, and can control others, is a very
necessary early step of true recovery. Our lives have to
become unmanageable enough (and for some, very, VERY
unmanageable) before we’re ready for this type of
surrender.
She wishes her boyfriend would change, and you wish
she would change. That keeps you all in a very
frustrating dance. The only way I know of getting out of
that frustration is focusing on my own recovery, and
taking the leap of faith each day that my recovery is the
best gift I can give those close to me, and myself. I
hope some of my guesses are close to the truth here.
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