 Is this normal? - Michael
I want to know if I am an anomaly. I am constantly
thinking about having sex. I meet women and I wonder what
they look like naked. Not just beautiful women, but all
women. I imagine having sex with them. I would not
actually go through with anything, but have to admit that
I wonder all the time, what would it be like. I have
found that this preoccupation does get in the way of
daily activities. I might sit at my desk and daydream
about a person. I am very busy and find that this slows
me down. It is also difficult to concentrate at certain
times. Do others have similar problems. Is this something
to be concerned about. What should I do.
 From: Bernd
Michael, My guess is that you're a teenager, or in
your early 20's? I think whatever thoughts we have about
sex are healthy and normal, as long as we don't hurt
others or ourselves by acting them out in harmful ways.
Looking at naked pictures or xxx videos, or daydreaming,
etc. are our best ways of trying to feel our natural
sexual feelings, when we aren't able to express them in a
loving relationship. I think the most harm with such
stuff comes from the shame, guilt, and all those other
judgmental messages we get from those who feel they have
moral authority over our value systems, minds, and
bodies. Give yourself permission, and the more you are
able to be comfortable with all those feelings, the more
they'll settle into an ebb and flow that doesn't create a
source of turmoil, doubt, and struggle.
That's my guesses anyway.
From: Confused
I know my alias is Confused, but in all due respect
Bernd, I am not sure I agree with your answer that you
gave in this post. Don't you think concentrating on
visual sexual material is just setting someone down the
road to pornographic addiction? Why not encourage him to
seek a healthy relationship with a member of the opposite
sex? We all have our natural urgings but I am not sure
watching videos or looking at magazines is a good way to
satisfy it. Let me tell you, the mind can quickly get out
of hand, and is easily swayed to move from taking a
fantasy and trying to make it a reality. I say this not
that I have or have had a pornographic addiction, but I
think it is something to be conscious of. I also know I
am not perfect, but I am not totally screwed up either.
From: Bernd
From what I've seen, "control" or attempts
to control our obsessive tendencies don't work. There is
such a swirl of opinions regarding the whole gamut of
sexuality, that trying to get a handle on what's healthy
and what isn't is a real crap shoot, if we use other
people's value systems as references.
I've struggled with sexual addiction. At the root of
any addiction there's usually a swamp pool of shame,
self-judgement, and guilt. With sexual issues, these
really have a way of bending someone's insides out of
shape. In my own struggles, acceptance without judgement
and conditions have been an essential part of my healing
process.
I know there's a wide range of opinions over whether
looking at pornography plays a part in victimizing women;
but I also believe that there is quite a fair shade of
difference between choices such as rape and sexual abuse
that victimize on a very direct level, and choices that
contribute in more indirect ways. On the sliding scale,
the less close a choice is to the deep end, the better
chances there are to find a healthy resolution to the
internal struggles.
When we let someone impose their sense of values on
us, we rebel inside - and in the case of addictions, we
usually find sneakier ways of practicing them. I believe
the key to finding some real peace and healthy
resolutions of such struggles lies in first letting go of
the cloud of shame, self-judgement, and often rigid
beliefs about what is "right", and what is
wrong (or the word used more often
"perverted"). That cloud keeps being a fog
inside that makes it almost impossible to find meaningful
solutions.
Somewhere out there lies the real truth about what
fuels sexual obsessions, the best way to help those
struggling with them, and what WE need to learn from
their struggles. I don't what that truth is. I wish I
did. You and I and others that share their thoughts and
experiences all have a piece of the puzzle. I do know, in
my case, the devastation that shame and self-judgement
has left in my life, and in Lynda's. I know that hell
intimately. That's why I said what I did. The sexual
obsessions are the visible part of the weed. But they
aren't the root. And the root is where real change and
understanding has to happen, before any real change can
begin.
Guess this is a topic we get pretty impassioned about
eh?
Btw, if I sound angry, I am - not at you, but how much
this kind of struggle has robbed ME of so much of life in
the past. And I'm still trying to find my way thru that
jungle.
Any more thoughts, from you or anyone else?
From: Damaged Shields
Okay, I'm going to throw in a bit of spirituality
here...or whatever you want to call it. I'll take the
risk but here it goes anyway.
Our bodies are marvellous little creations. Both on
the physical and spiritual level. I've studied alot of
different philosophies, religions, and science(s), and
the ones that I'm particularly interested in are the
Eastern philosophies and sciences/studies, specifically,
the 'chakras'. Alot of people think this is alot of
hoo-haw, but I've had some personal experiences that I
believe have proved this all to be a very strong reality,
I'm not going to go into depth here though, about all
the 'chakras', but I will focus in on the 'sexuality'
chakra. Call it energy, call it light, call it whatever
you will, but it's located approximately just below the
belly-button, and down through the groin area. This
chakra is represented by the color 'red'. And in the
color spectrum, red is a very high intensity color, very
rapid moving light waves.
Interestingly enough, this is also the chakra that
represents any kind of passionate and intense emotion,
including 'anger' and 'shame'. Try this sometime, the
next time you feel embarrassed, or shamed, or angry,
focus in on where you 'feel' it.
There are alot of theories about chakras, but I
believe that alot of them are true. I think we operate on
such a basic, primitive level, that something 'simple' as
chakras, or areas on our bodies designated for certain
human characteristics and energies is easier to
understand and believe than alot of the psychological
dissection that exists 'out there'.
If when we were children, we were made to feel shame
about our sexuality, it made us angry, because inside of
everyone one of us is what is called, "The
Truth", and when anything happens that goes against
'The Truth", then we know it's not right. And in
this case, these confused issues about sexuality and
"The Truth", and our anger and shame are stored
in our "lower Chakra". In this society, so full
of 'distractions', such as working our asses off all the
time, intense survival, fast food, cars, etc... we have
neglected learning the ability to sort out this 'energy',
so it gets all scrambled up. We don't have the skills, or
we've FORGOTTEN the skills, to redirect the negative
energy, and sort out the positive energy.
Did you know we can do a simple exercise to sort out
the confusion by simply concentrating on that area of our
body, and actually 'asking' our bodies to remember
"The Truth", and visualize the negative energy,
the negative 'messages', and visualize those negativities
actually 'leaving' our body? Direct it upward through our
body and ask it to leave, through the top of our head.
Sounds bizarre eh? Well, it works. Try this on other
areas of your body as well. We just have to remember,
that "The Truth" is in every one of us, and we
just have to focus in on it.
From: Bernd
This sang echoes right thru me. Thank you so much
Shields. You given me a new source of "being"
with the sexual part of me, that feels like a whole new
doorway to my own searching inside.
From: Damaged Shields
You are VERY welcome. I'm glad it helped you. If you
are interested in reading more on "Chakras",
there are alot of great books out that go into greater
depths on the subject. You might look into
"Ayervedic" medicine/healing in order to find
the subject "Chakras". If you'd like, I can
send you a booklist via e-mail. Many more doors can be
opened with this type knowledge and spirituality. Take
care of yourself. You made me feel very proud of myself
today.
From: Confused
Interesting thoughts Damaged Shields. In all due
respect, I would like to counter with the Christian view.
We are born with sinful natures from the fall, and
part of that fallen nature is our sexuality. We are all
tempted to take a wonderful gift that God has given us to
use only within the bounds of marriage, and corrupted it.
This causes us a whole lot of trouble. No one knows this
better than I.
Using pornography is the first step toward sexual
addiction to the stuff. The world would be far better of
without it. It is similar to marijuana or alcohol is as a
gateway to harder drugs.
The major problem I have with eastern religions is
that it is totally based on what someone thinks or feels.
Where is the objective evidence that any of this is true?
Please realize I am not trying to be a religious
bigot. But since this forum is available to express views
and feelings, there is my 2-3 cents worth. Also, I share
this with the recognition that I have my own problems and
am not perfect.
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