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 How do I stop dwelling on the
Past? - wallflower
Anyone have any suggestions or advice on how not to
live in the past? I seem to thrive on bringing up my
boyfriend's past and to dwell on what he has done in the
past and with whom, how can I let go of this annoying
characteristic and just get on with our life together?
 From: Bernd
We obsess about the past, because it’s the only
control we’ve ever known on how to try and protect
ourselves from the devastating disappointments of the
future. Here are a few of my thoughts.
First, give yourself time to turn this huuuuuge ship
around. You’ve had a lot of practice worrying about
the past, and you aren’t going to be able to change
that overnight. Every step in the direction you want to
go is a small miracle, and worth celebrating as such.
Second, I think the past has a very strong attraction
to you for good reason - what happened in YOUR past has
likely affected your present in major ways. There may be
some painful experiences in your past that have left you
frightened and/or angry when certain things happen in
your relationship. Finding out what those were, and how
they REALLY affected you, will likely mean a commitment
from you to do some real searching - using therapy,
self-help books, appropriate support groups, or any
combination of those. In my own recovery, I try to think
of my past as a broken leg, that didn’t heal quite
right. That bad leg keeps tripping me up, but I’ve
walked this way so long, it feels normal to me. My
recovery means finding the help I need to make that leg
heal properly this time, so I can walk easier and stumble
less.
Do what you can to begin searching. How you are
handling things right now will make perfect sense one
day. If you are beating yourself up over your need to
focus on the past, there’s no need to. You are doing
the best you can; be gentle with yourself, and try to
find little changes that will help you get a little more
sunshine each day. The present, this moment, is all we
really have for sure. It’s a treasure we all deserve
to enjoy as much as we can.
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