 Are material gifts important? -
Gift giving dilemma
I have been in a 2 year relationship (I think...I
haven't been counting) with a girl. Initially, she had
another boyfriend. She has been back with him a few times
when he comes into town. She sees his sister often (they
are friends). The jealously can be hard to deal with I
suppose.
Sometimes it is hard to understand why she hangs onto
either relationship. It seems we have a very nice
relationship in that we both seem to truly care and love
each other, or at least are very accepting of each other
and wish each other well in our endeavours, are concerned
with each other's endeavours, and other trials and
tribulations of life.
We just kinda get along. We have our disagreements
such as decorating styles, but they are never disputes.
We have an exciting love. Our lovemaking was extremely
exciting at first, now we sorta just have a routine. I
think now it is just a mutual trade of orgasms almost. We
have a pleasant feeling when we are around each other and
other generally very happy around each other, have fun,
etc....
For her birthday I did a picnic, roses, irises, and
weird cards with a personalised love message. I just find
it hard for me to give any kind of material gifts. I want
to give jewellery and other such gifts as nice clothes.
But it just seems I cannot bring myself to getting a nice
material gift. I've probably spent alot of money last
Christmas buying several small gifts instead of on big
gift. I've given plants, vibrators, pornos, taken her
shopping, roses, etc... Lots of stupid gifts, if you can
call it that.
I am usually very gift giving and purchase very nice
gifts, including huge gifts for my mother and my nephew.
I love giving gifts. Why can't I seem to purchase a real
gift for her? Does this mean that I do not love her?
Yeah, we occasionally joke about not loving each other,
though sometimes I think we mean it and it is not from
that emotional feel of "I Love You".
I guess right now I have a couple of good gift ideas.
I know the jewellery style she likes very well. And even
wish I could purchase it. I am however in a situation
right now where I am starting my own business and am just
now starting to receive the kind of contracts that I can
make a living doing. I also returned to school to finish
a degree doing this time so I am quickly going into debt.
If it wasn't for the job situation, do you think I would
give a gift?
And if so, what would this mean?
 From: Bernd
My gut feeling is that something inside you is tugging
at your shirtsleeves, and telling you that expressing
love thru gifts isn't the most rewarding or the best way
of saying "I love you". A difficulty with gifts
too is that there's almost an unwritten rule that you
have to make each new gift more meaningful, or better
than the last. We are disappointed inside when a gift we
give doesn't give our partner waves of emotion or
happiness. We look for those hidden signs of
disappointment - does she really like it? Did I screw up
and disappoint her? Sometimes we end up feeling like shit
inside, because we feel we've let her down.
If someone has grown up with gifts as a big part of
their parents way of saying "I love you",
that's what they're used to. It's not unlike growing up
in a home where food is the main "I love you"
sign - someone with that background will be a lot more
likely to use food as an adult to get back some feelings
of being loved.
The kind of gifts that never become boring, or too
expensive, are those that come from the heart, not the
wallet. Sometimes it takes a painful transition period to
"unlearn" the old kind of gift giving, and
substitute something better. Letting go of something that
has grown as familiar as an old coat is never easy, but
if that coat is dragging you down, keeping it doesn't
make happiness any easier to find.
Try little touches. The kind of things that kids love
doing is a great place to start. A treasure hunt that
ends with 100 kisses all over her body, with playful
teasing and giggling. Body marking, where she gets to
paint and colour you up (maybe paint-by-number??) from
head to toe, then take a picture of you! Surprise little
notes, telling her "why I love you". When you
look at how children play, you discover that they can
have fun with the simplest of things, and their
imagination is their greatest "gift". Give her
yours - it has a limitless supply; it invigorates you
when you "spend" it, instead of depleting you;
and when combined with other gifts that you spend money
on, it transforms them from a material thing to something
that has a magical little memory attached to it. If you
give her jewellery that is the prize from a treasure hunt
where the clues are a trail of fun, romantic love notes,
every time she wears that jewellery she'll be reminded of
the excitement and the special romantic magic she felt
that day. That jewellery will become priceless in it's
own way, and the biggest glittering diamond won't make
her feel as warm and loved inside as those memories.
Finally, don't expect her to "love"
everything you try. All you can do is give it your best
shot each time, and learn from practice. It will take her
time to build faith that she is loveable and very desired
even when she isn't getting the "kind of gifts"
she's been used to. She may feel very unloved at times.
During such times, remind her that you want to give her
something that no one else has, or will ever have - you,
from the heart. Remind her you're learning how to do
that, and listen to her fears, wishes, hopes and hurt, to
get better insight into what she REALLY wants most deep
inside. We all want to feel loved, and cherished. A lot
of us just have a bunch of difficulty trying to find out
how to get those in ways that really make us glow inside.
Hope this helps a bit.
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