 Relationships through divorce -
Cautious
It is wonderful to have time to connect to the comment
forum once again. I have just completed my undergraduate
studies and am focusing my energies on personal growth
and healing as I tavel through the experience of divorce
after 17 years of marriage. I am a recovering alcoholic,
sober for 8 1/2 years. As I began my recovery, the
healthier I got, the more my spouse shut down and chose
denial and anger. I left the marriage relationship after
many attempts to encourage him to walk with me toward
health and wholeness and can with certainty say that my
decision came from a place of action rather than
reaction. We have now been separated, although not
legally, (he refuses to talk about the reality of the
situation) for one year. During that time my children and
I (ages 17 and 14) moved to my mother's house for 6
months but are now back in our family home, my spouse no
longer lives here. I had lived with my Mom for 3 months
and was attending classes and working 3 part time jobs.
Eventually I needed to go to family court because my
spouse was neglecting all responsibilities and I was
finding it impossible to work the hours that I was
working and be an effective mother and student. This
action allowed my spouse to place himself in the victim
role and see my actions as something that was done to HIM
rather than an action to provide for his children.
Anyway, I began divorce proceedings after I had been out
of the house for 5 months. The divorce is still
unresolved and my spouse is slipping furhter and further
into mental illness. There is a history in his family of
origin however I am not certain whether his condition is
related to actual mental illness or a result of denial
and depression. He refuses to acknowledge that there is a
problem.
When I had been out of my house for 3 months, God
placed a man in my life that I have been in relationship
with for the past 8 months. Our relatonship is mature and
based on mutual trust and respect. Our base is faith in
God and we are able top communicate effectively about any
issues that have risen so far in our connectedness. Last
month he asked me if I would be his wife after my divorce
is final and I have said yes. My struggle comes from a
question concerning the appropriateness of our sexuality
as I remain legally married. We have been sexually active
and I believe in my heart that I am not out of God's
will. I would like some feedback from others about the
marital bond and the question of adultery if one is not
yet divorced legally.
I know that some of this is probably vague and I am
willing to discuss any issues that I have not addressed.
Thank you for responding.
 From: Tom
Congratulations on your succesfully moving forward in
your life. The added weight of an un-happy soul, in the
form of your ex-husband, upon your heart must be very
burdensome. Your sincerity in seeking the truth about
your sexual connectedness with another at this time is
very courageous. My thought is that true sexuality is an
extension of the spiritual bond that two share as a gift
from the Almighty. Marriage is an expression societally
of the gift two realize that is theirs. God knows what he
has ordained. Have you known the man you married in a way
that speaks of being an extension of the Almighty's hand
to this place we call home for a short while? I'm sure
you feel as though you were just that. Your letter says
you tried to extend your hand but that hand was rejected.
Now you feel as though your hand is being accepted by
another. For what reason's do you feel that sexuality is
wrong with your new love? Others can never tell you what
is in your heart. I pray that your self examination
reveals the woman that you know you are without the
contamination of a confused worlds teachings getting in
the way of your joy. Peace be yours on the journey to
your self!
From: Cautious
I did not say that I felt as though being sexual with
my current partner is wrong. What I meant to ask for was
input as to the timing of our sexual activity while I am
still not divorced. For the first time on my life I feel
at ease and comfortable with the sexual side of myself. I
am certain that this man and I are placed together
through God's will. I do however struggle at times with
the concept of adultery and am unclear as to what God
sees as aduterous behavior. I understand that the
marriage contract is a man made concept. As far as I
understand Adam and Eve were not the bearers of a
marriage certificate but were indeed married and one
flesh in the eyes of God. I am not fool enough to think
that mankind can however twist any gift from God in order
to justify behaviors that might be out of His will as far
as His perfect timing is concerned. Does this help
clarify my comments at all? Thank you for responding to
my posting. I appreciate your thoughts.
From: Bernd
You mentioned “There is a history in his family
of origin however I am not certain whether his condition
is related to actual mental illness or a result of denial
and depression.” I suspect that there is a
biological component, and he definitely seems to have
learned well from a likely pattern of denial in his
family tree. It’s very hard to change
self-destructive patterns unless we have a safe, clear
example that shows us a better way, and enough pain from
following the dead-end paths we’ve been on for so
long. Your example IS making a difference, and helping
him. Just remind yourself that only God sees the big
picture, and your ex may have to travel a lot further
into his swamp, before his despair helps open his eyes to
the path you’ve found.
Cautious, you already know the answer to your
question.:) What I’m going to tell you has nothing
to do with your main question, but may help you
understand a bit more why you asked it.
One of the pitfalls in recovery - in fact, in life
itself - is arrogance. It is the ultimate addiction, the
worst one, because the one who practices arrogance
usually escapes the consequences all, or most of their
life. Arrogance shows itself by an absence of doubt, by
an unwillingness to hold our choices and best guesses up
to the light of other’s scrutiny. It shows itself
when we believe our answers to be the “truth”
for others, as well as ourselves. I have difficulty with
my own arrogance all the time, and I know how slippery
the hole is.
Doubt is VERY necessary in recovery. I used to hate
it. Now I realize how important it is for me. I give my
choices the best guesses I can, and accept that’s
all I can do. The more questioning and scrutiny I allow
my choices to go thru, the better my odds are of making
good ones. The key word is “allow”. I make many
choices without such scrutiny, but it’s my
willingness to hold them up to the light that helps me
make better ones.
My gut feeling is that you have a very special
relationship going with your soul, and it is a real
example to me. Rejoice in the doubts, embrace them. Do
what feels best, and trust in God to give you little
signals when you need them to steer you back on course
whenever you take a little detour. If you don’t make
mistakes, how will God get a chance to use you to help
others see that making mistakes is part of the plan, and
process?:)
That’s all from me!
From: Cautious
Bernd, You are right and it was wonderful to read the
words and be able to claim the truth of what you see in
me through my sharing thus far. I do indeed have a very
special relationship going on with my soul. Because this
relationship is so new, I sometimes give in to the
messages and fears that have been part of my reality of
the past. In the last eight years I have traveled many
roads and have been given many lessons on growing up. The
journey has been painful at times but there is not one
aspect of the path that I would change in any way. As I
go through each new experience, I often think it will
never get better and that it has all been for naught.
Thank God I was taught humility somewhere along the road
and I have stopped trying to walk the walk alone. It was
much too difficult and painful that way and stemmed from
that place of arrogance that you speak of.
I embrace the doubts that I feel yet I must tell you
that I also attempt at times to avoid them because I am
afraid that I will have to give up something that is not
good for me in the big plan but feels so damn good in the
now of life. As a recovering alcoholic, patience and self
denial are not intrinistic character traits of mine :) It
is amazing to me that the Higher Power that I know as God
will allow me to live in arrogance and denial yet love me
anyway and even love me enough to allow pain in an effort
to give me a wake up call. I am getting much better at
waking up and turning my will once again over to His care
but often, not without that initial struggle!!!!! As they
say, when I get sick and tired of being sick and tired I
become entirely ready to have God remove these defects of
character.
As far as the sexual sharing part goes, there is more
to be questioned and heard. Thank you for responding and
I am sure that I will be asking and listening again and
again and again... :) :) :) :) I want to continue on the
road to healing and growth. I like the me that I wake up
with every morning these days.
From: Tom(my)
Hi. Yes I understand the concept of time that you
speak of. I hear that you do not see the behavior as
inappropriate. There is a struggle with the time in which
you are having the relationship. Transcendence of earthly
concepts is hard and I don'y know if it as possible to do
as a human. Many days and nights I spent wondering about
time and the chains that it seems to put on me. I hear
you and hope for the best for you. Your honesty is
refreshing in the world.
From: Bernd
Just a quick comment on "I am afraid that I will
have to give up something that is not good for me in the
big plan but feels so damn good in the now of life".
It's my belief that everything that is good in the long
run is also good now. What I find difficult is the
transition from something that's bad for me, to something
that's good. It's sorta like stepping into nothingness,
and the only thing left is blind faith that something
much better IS waiting. It's almost like letting go of
the tree branch on the side of the cliff, in order to
grab the rope. You can't see who's holding the rope, or
if anyone is. All you have to go on is your gut feeling
that someone strong and very caring is at the other end.
It's a big gulp of air letting go, and grabbing that
lifeline.
From: Cautious
The change from something that is not good for me to
something that is good is ondeed difficult... Even though
something may not be good I have seen thatit is usually
comfortable because it is familiar. Not a good reason to
continue in whatever "it" may be :) I don't
know where your faith has you Bernd but I will share
where I am. I am a Chritian, following the Christ of the
Bible. Although I am aware there are many human
interpretations to the Holy Book, I believe strongly in
the existence of Satan and the tricks that he can use to
shake my relationship with God. At times I wonder if the
things that I think are "good for me" now but I
am not clear exactly what God's message through the
scriptures is are being twisted in my human understanding
by the darkness of Satan's ways in an attempt to lead me
further away from healthy relationship with my Higher
Power. That is the core struggle with my being sexually
active with the man that I love and our current life
situation. Any new thoughts? I am grateful for your
insight and feedback.
From: Bernd
You said: “I am not clear exactly what God's
message through the scriptures is are being twisted in my
human understanding by the darkness of Satan's ways in an
attempt to lead me further away from healthy relationship
with my Higher Power.”
I am going out on a limb here, but the struggle
between religious beliefs and the “inner voice”
has been one of the core struggles in many relationships
over the ages, and continues to be for many couples.
To have a personal relationship with our Higher Power
- whether we call that power God, Allah, the sun, or
whatever - we will sooner or later be faced with the
dilemma of choosing between very ingrained old beliefs
and the direction our Higher Power is trying to lead us
in. We always have the free choice, and not following our
inner voice doesn’t invoke wrath or anger from our
HP - but I suspect it invokes compassion for our very
difficult struggle.
In my case, that inner direction has lead me AWAY from
established “religion”, and away from the
belief that ANY book - the Bible, Koran, or what have you
- is the “word” of God. It hasn’t been an
easy struggle, but it HAS been an important one.
To me, any religious book is humankind’s best
attempt to pass on the history, and the struggles of its
attempts to get to know God, and the purpose of life. In
my view, they all are a very real reflection of us - full
of imperfections, as well as great treasures. Ironically,
one of the Jesus’ greatest examples was his
rejection of Old Testament religious teachings, with new
perspectives that showed love, compassion, and wisdom.
There’s a saying: in the beginning, God made man
in his own image, and ever since then, man has been
trying to make God in man’s own image. In my
relationship with Lynda, I use books to HELP me
understand her, and myself. But when something in those
books doesn’t ring true with my inner voice, I
reject the book’s viewpoint (although I remember it,
because I know it was fashioned from experiences I can
learn more from), and I look for the real truth inside.
It’s a simple choice really: in a personal
relationship with God, do I trust God, or do I trust man?
If “Satan” is going to do the most damage,
where’s the best place he can do it? There’s no
more tempting place than right in the thick of where
people are looking for closer contact with God -
religion. A quick look around the world gives plenty of
evidence where strife and shit happen in the name of
religion. Yet, when you look at those who have had a true
personal relationship with God, what you see is
compassion, love, and kindness - and the incredible power
of example. As Jesus said, you know a tree by its fruit
(something like that).
The more of a personal relationship we have with God,
the more our relationships on earth will be transformed
naturally as a result. Love is always win/win. And I
believe our view of evil and Satan will also begin to be
transformed as a result as well. Every bit of love we
give in our relationships, and on earth, makes a far
bigger difference than fear or hate.
Instead of fearing “Satan”, I believe what
we are really being called to do is follow Jesus’
example. Love your enemies, have compassion for any being
experiencing hell. I suspect that we have only a faint
glimmer of understanding about what our life’s
purpose on earth really is. But one thing we do know, is
that we are all in search of genuine love, and the closer
we get to it, the more miracles seem to happen, and the
more things just seem to make perfect sense.
Our souls know without question when it’s God
whispering, or when it’s something else. For our
minds to know as well means clearing out the distractions
and clutter as best we can, so we can really hear those
whispers as well as feel them. When we do the work to get
our souls, emotions and minds in harmony, usually
it’s our minds that we have the biggest struggle
with - but when we complete that struggle, there’s
no sweeter music.:)
My guesses, anyway.
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