 Mixed messages or just confused?
- Kim
I have just today found this site and so very grateful
that I did. Bernd (?) you have given out some very wise,
sound advice and I am going to ask for some insight from
you now.
I was married for 13 years, husband left me twice, but
came back. The last time I found out he was cheating for
the last year and I couldn't believe it. We were
highschool sweethearts and I trusted him in that way
completely. When I had trusted my insticts that something
was wrong he had told me no. When I found the evidence of
the affair, I threw him out.
I then entered into a very unhealthy pretty much
one-sided verbally abusive relationship with someone whom
I had known business wise for a few years. He was a
knight in shinning armor, but because of a past
girlfriend he had recently broken up with who had some
mental problems he said that he didn't want our
relationship out in the open. Gullible me! I believed the
premise and stayed in it for 2 years--meanwhile he was
still seeing her all during this time! (He eventually
broke it off with me and married her!)
Okay, so I was devestated, started going to CODA
meetings (I was raised in an alcoholic home) and was
getting stronger. It's not fun being a single mom of a 14
& 8 year old. I met through a friend a man who gave
me the world. His wife had left him and actually married
the man she left him for 2 mos after he and I started
dating. He courted me so sweetly and against my better
judgment I got close to his family and he to mine. Well,
a few problems arose. He would say I'm going to call you
tonight and then didn't. He would be working or went out
with some coaches he works with for a drink and
"forgot". Or, he would say we were going to do
such and such this weekend and then when the weekend
came, he was too busy and forgot that he even had said
anything to me. There was always an excuse for his
forgetfulness. He liked to use the "dumb jock"
excuse with me. But he's 10 years older than I! May I
also say that during the first 3 mos or so of our
relationship he was very insecure sexually and
emotionally and was impotent. We got over that and he was
very happy with me sexually as I was with him. Anyway,
after putting up with what felt like childish behaviour
and confusing excuses for 10 mos I said I couldn't deal
with him anymore. (His wife for the last 3 mos of our
relationship started having trouble with her new husband
and was crying on his shoulder and even moved in with the
kids for a few weeks!) I stood by him though it hurt like
hell. A
Anyway, after I broke up with him, he wanted me back,
but then out of the blue after a few weeks of
"talking" with me decided that he was still
having feelings for the ex wife and needed distance. I
gave him that though I still sent him cards and tried to
boost his ego that way. He told me he liked it and said
that never say never about it being over between us. Then
he starts dating another woman too. An old friend, but
told me a few weeks ago that he didn't see any future
between the two of them and didn't want to see her any
longer. I'm thinking I'm still in the picture and he had
been telling me he'd call and we'd go out. Well I was
going to buy tickets to a concert in July that we had
both wanted to see last year and asked him about it and
he said he felt uncomfortable about it because he didn't
think he should date 2 woman at the same time! Then I
found out they have been away on weekends together!
What in the world is wrong with me? Why can't I see
the writing on the wall and why are men always so
deceptive with me? If he loved me, which he repeatedly
said he did, why didn't he give us another chance? I've
rambled, but felt you needed to know this background. I
hurt so bad. I love him unconditionally and truly want
him happy with or without me, but I never want to feel
this way again. I miss what we had and wonder why he said
one thing and did another so often. My dad (a recovering
alcoholic) thinks he has a drinking problem.
Any thoughts from anyone are extremely welcome.
.....Thank you for listening.
 From: Bernd
Both. Yes, you are getting mixed messages, and mixed
messages are ALWAYS confusing. I’m so glad you found
CODA. It will help you immeasurably in finding your way
toward better relationships, with others as well as
yourself.
Relationship addiction, and other addictions such as
food or work, are different from drug or alcohol
addictions in that sustained abstinence ISN’T good
for us (we can’t go without food for very long, for
instance). Because of this, dealing with codependency is
much swampier in some ways than other addictions, and the
more we respect the cunning power of this addiction, the
easier it becomes to stop beating ourselves up over our
slips.
Your experiences are the natural results of your
disease of codependency TB. Kicking yourself over them is
as productive as kicking yourself over coughing because
you have a cold, for instance. In fact, kicking yourself
FUELS the disease process. Forgive yourself, and give
yourself permission to have a few more disastrous
relationships - because you will, until healing takes
real hold.
You can’t see the writing on the wall because
your own emptiness is so overpowering that something
inside you rushes headfirst into the first well that
shows promise of filling that emptiness. That process is
beyond your control, and recognizing it’s beyond
your control is an important part of the surrendering
process you have to go thru for real healing to take
place.
You likely wonder why your time in CODA hasn’t
helped you find better relationships. I’m going to
tell you a bit about my process, to put it in
perspective. I’ve struggled with an addiction to
video games for the past 15 years. All my recovery work,
all my time in Al-anon, hasn’t made a big dent in
this struggle yet. Last night, I overdosed again - for
the umpteenth time - and spent father’s day
“recovering” in bed - I slept til 6 pm! Today
it’s FINALLY dawned on me that I have no control
over this addiction, that all my efforts to try to limit
my time playing video games just don’t work. (I
stayed up til 6 am playing). The only hope I have is
complete abstinence - if I think I can play just
“one game”, I’m a goner. I know, cause
it’s happened time and time again. And it still
happens.
I’d like to suggest that as soon as you become
aware you don’t want to live without “this
man” in your life, that you feel you’re
“in love” with him, that you run, don’t
walk, to your sponsor or group and ask for their help in
finding how and where your codependency is kicking in.
You need this kind of honesty and openness to stay out of
the swampholes.
Instead of looking for the “perfect man”,
look for the “perfect path” - the one that will
lead you to true healing of that emptiness inside you.
The more honest you are able to be with yourself, and the
more able you become to accept ALL parts of yourself, the
more able you’ll be to build healthy relationships
with others. Your relationships with others can only be
as healthy and genuinely loving as the one you have with
yourself. When a man appears on that path, bless your
time together as a gift - including all the pain as well
as the nice rushes. Accept the relationship for what it
is, not what you want it to be. Each one will lead you to
a better one, and if you have faith in that path, it will
bring you to your “soulmate” when you’re
ready - but not before.
Remember that in order to walk the path, we always
have to let go of the ground underneath our feet. Letting
go of men that come along is no different; they deserve
the freedom to make their own choices, especially ones
that aren’t good for them and that you might feel
anguish over.
Learning to trust your inner voice is part of that
path. Allow yourself to feel crazy, and wrong. Often our
logic is missing an important piece of the puzzle that
only our soul can see. When things seem to make sense,
but our gut feeling is sending us alarm bells, our brains
are unaware of something our soul knows. It gave me a lot
of inner freedom when I was able to say “everything
you said makes perfect sense, but something still
doesn’t FEEL right - and I don’t know what it
is, but I’m going to respect my gut feeling”.
Yes, I stood the risk of being called crazy, but then was
I really sane before anyway?
If you want to accelerate the process of your healing,
I think God is all for that. Read everything you can on
codependency, and go to as many meetings as you can. Get
a sponsor, write in a journal, and find any excuse you
can to PLAY. All those will help. Keep in mind tho that
one of the things we have to learn is patience, so let
the results happen according to your Higher Power’s
schedule, not yours.
That’s about it, for this round. I try to remind
myself that “everything that happens to me is
exactly what I need”. I don’t know “why I
need it” often, but that philosophy has worked
really well for me in my recovery. Be easy on yourself
girl, and give yourself the time you need to heal. As
long as you keep walking the walk, things WILL improve,
and you’ll get those miracles you’re looking
for. Lots of hugs
From: Kim
Thank you Thank you Thank you!
You make a lot of sense, but I'll tell you, I do not
trust my "inner voice" or "instincts"
at all anymore. When I first was dating "the
coach" I thought that he was rebounding from his
ex-wife and that I could be almost any woman. But then he
through time convinced me that he genuinely loved me and
my kids (music to my ears) and did show it in many ways.
But, again, if he truly had those deep feelings (and he
had planned to ask me to marry him this past Christmas,
but got cold feet)for me, how on earth can he not want to
try again? My "instinct" told me that he did
still love me and just needed reassurance that I did love
him and believed in him.
Was I wrong to trust that feeling? I guess this is
where the codepency gets in the middle. What is my
"crazies" and what is true
"instinct"? Maybe coming from a childhood of
accepting the childish behaviour of an alcoholic has
scripted me to work it out come hell or high water and
ignore inappropriate actions. Maybe he is alcoholic or
has an alcoholic personality too. Am I looking for a
surrogate father? I am attracted to older men. I'm 36 and
he's 47, the man before him was 8 years older, though I'm
a year older than my ex-husband.
God I'm tired. I want to take my toys and just go
home.....thanks again for listening.
From: Bernd
My instinct is always bang on. But my understanding of
it is always imperfect. That's the difference. And that's
why checking out what I'm feeling with others is so
important. When I tell someone trustworthy (such as a
sponsor or another person in recovery) my
"interpretation" of my gut feelings, their
feedback helps me sort out where I'm bending what my gut
is telling me to fit the picture I want.
My inner voice speaks in whispers, and I never had a
lot of practice listening to whispers. So the only way I
get better at "intrepreting" what my inner
voice is telling me is practice, checking out my
interpretations with others, and accepting that I WILL
make mistakes in those intepretations. The neat thing
about practice tho is that the more I do it, the better I
get at listening and understanding my gut.
There are a few simple checks I use as well. When I'm
unsure about my interpretation, I say my guess outloud,
and see how it feels inside. If it feels NATURALLY calm
and solid (without me forcing that feeling), it's a good
indicator I'm on the right track. Also, if I have to
"figure out" what my gut is trying to tell me,
I usually head down the wrong path. If I clear my mind in
a quiet place, and simply repeat the prayer "show me
where I neeed to go", the answers that I NEED (which
aren;t the same as the answers I WANT) usually come.
One more note: as codependents, we have such a thirst
to control our relationships, that it is hard to do
"nothing" when doing nothing is exactly what we
need to do. So sometimes answers don't come when I want,
simply because "nothing" is exactly what I need
to do. It's really hard accepting this at times, but if
it was easy, I would have been "cured" a long
time ago, eh???:)
Hope this helps a bit.
From: Kim
Thank you again. I have recently been rediscovering
meditation. I've never been very good at quieting my
mind, but I know that I need to do that. I really want to
be able to trust my instincts. I believe "to thiine
own self be true", but I'm not always sure what true
is. At least I am pretty much able to accept that we do
the best we can at the time and if we have done that we
can't ask for more. It's just this NEED to feel safe that
gets in the way of being the sane person I am normally.
From: Bernd
You got it. There's nothing wrong with that need, and
it's good to respect it. Booze gives the illusion of
quieting that need for an alcoholic; relationships give
us the same illusion. After all, we were taught well,
weren't we???? You'll find a real permanent safety in
your relationship with yourself, your higher power and
your inner voice. That's being good and selfish.:)
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