 Controlling men - Karen
My boyfriend of 2 years is very insecure. He believes
all women fool around and will end up hurting him. My
problem is that he doesn't want me spending any time with
my children's father, who I am still legally married to.
The kids wanted to go to an amusement park but their
father didn't want to go alone so he asked me. I said yes
but when I told my boyfriend he said if I go then he
doesn't want to see me anymore. Is he right to make this
demand on me. I didn't end up going but I feel very angry
about the whole thing. He says I don't need to see or
talk to him unless it is of great importance to do with
the kids. Please someone respond. I really need advise.
Secondly how do you know if a man is a control freak.
 From: HammerTime
I would say that your boyfriend has been
"pursuing" you for the last 2 years. I don't
mean to be harsh or rude here, but when pursuing
something it looks a hell of alot better than if you were
not pursuing it. The forbidden fruit. The cookie you
can't have. Get the point? My guess is that he would not
be so interested in your relationship if there was no
other man involved. Matter of fact, you just might become
very unappealing to him and he may lose interest.
On the other hand, I may be wrong. Maybe he really
loves you and wants to be with you, but why are you still
legally married after 2 years? Maybe he has a right to be
jealous and impatient. I know I would if my girlfriend of
2 years was still married to someone she supposedly
doesn't love anymore.
From: Karen
I've known this man for 10 yrs. He doesn't like me
going out with the girls, which I have no desire to, all
my time is with him outside of my children. He has a good
relationship with them also. To answer your question. My
husband never did much as a family and doesn't go on much
rides, so if I tagged along I could go on the adult rides
with my daughter, he doesn't go on any rides. This isn't
a case of now he has me and now he doesn't want me. I'm
just trying to understand where he's coming from. He
knows where I am 24hrs a day and if a few hours goes by
and he doesn't get a hold of me, he starts phoning around
looking for me, and if he doesn't find me he will leave a
somewhat rude message on my answering machine. My
ex-husband is usually not an issue in our relationship.
Everything else is.
From: Kim
I have been in a very similar circumstance. It was
strange because my marriage of 13 years was very trusting
and very uncontrolling. We may have had problems, but his
not trusting me was not one of them.
However, after my marriage ended I got involved with
someone who "looked after me" when I really
needed it, but couldn't stop trying to control me after I
didn't need quite so much support. He accused me of
things I would never ever do and also didn't want me to
be with or talk with my ex. It got to the point that I
was afraid that if he called and I didn't get right to
the phone he was going to blast me, or if he called and I
was on the phone he'd want to know who I was talking to
and why I even wanted to talk with them. I became very
isolated and basically lost my personality. Thank God he
dumped me because I was so strapped to him emotionally
that I don't think I could have let go on my own.
Be very careful. This guy is obviously very insecure
and you can't "fix" someone with those kinds of
hang-ups. He has to want to fix himself and then do it
himself. No matter how you try to appease him, in the end
it won't work, because it's not about you, it's about his
neediness and insecurity. Good luck!
From: Bernd
I agree. When a partner doesn't support your right to
make your own choices freely, and try to talk out their
insecurities with you to come to win/win solutions, then
control is very much at work. No one wins. In a poker
game, the one that bluff's best usually ends up
controlling the game. What is worth more: your own peace
of mind, or the "relationship"? If it's the
first, do what feels right and good for you, and give him
the right to have whatever feelings he has, and do
whatever he chooses (such as leave), unless his choices
force harm on you - such as stalking, abuse, etc.
This man is capable of loving an obedient pet, but not
another human being in a true intimate relationship. Not
right now anyway. If you stay, doing what is best for
YOU, will also be best for him, no matter how much he
hates it or tries to persuade you otherwise. My thoughts
anyway.
From: Karen
Funny thing is he has dumped me and I've gone back to
him, even though I don't feel good about myself for being
so weak, I still do it. He says he loves me but this I
also have a problem with. We have no couples we hang out
with. Every minute I get away from my children it's spent
with him. I'm so insecure about our relationship that
I've come to the conclusion to not be so much a part of
his life, or his mine. I've joined a gym in the last week
trying to take up a lot of my free time, because if he
decides to leave me again, I want to have something to
fall back on. If you can understand me. In the last 2
years of being with him I don't feel very good about
myself as I didn't with my husband. I have a good job,
I'm attractive and smart, so knowing this why would I let
him treat me this way, why don't I tell him to leave. I
wish I could answer this question.
From: Bernd
Karen, the book "Women Who Love Too Much"
gave me a lot of insight as to why I was doing things in
our relationship which kept causing me pain. The book
could just as well be called "People who love too
much". I'd highly recommend it.
If you feel okay doing so, maybe telling us more about
your childhood, and your parent's relationship, might
help shed light on the influences that would have been
impressed deeply inside you as a child. Those would show
up a lot in the way you feel, but run so deep our
"logical" mind has a lot of difficulty
understanding their impact on our current lives.
From: Me
Hogwash. Karen does not need to tell us anything about
her childhood or parents. This may be something she wants
to keep to herself. I'm sick of these so called
psychologists who think everything stems from some deep
dark secret in their childhood. I've seen people who were
raised with great morals and ended up with no morals at
all. And vice-versa. I've seen people who had a terrible
childhood and then had a terrible adulthood. Karen, you
just leave those precious memories to yourself and away
from the privy noses of these hungry psychologists.
Your relationship is about two insecure people who are
holding on to each other afraid they would never find
anyone else. Your best bet, let this guy go. He is
holding you down and keeping you from making real
friends. Joining the gym was a great idea. If you are
interested in meeting other guys then I suggest joining a
work-out club (unless that's what you already mean by
gym). There you can find many people who also have a life
and enjoy taking care of their bodies. From what you have
told us, I seriously doubt either of you are in love with
the other. He is too possessive and insecure. You are
afraid to let him go because right now he is your
security. Get out there and boost your esteem! Meet some
guys! Make friends! And soon you will realize what a
dweeb your boyfriend is.
From: Karen
Thanks for your comments and I agree my childhood
isn't the root to everyone's problems. People sometimes
create their own problems without anything to do with
their past. Looking at your past is not always the
answer. I'm a firm believer that concentrating on your
future is the best medicine even if you have skeletons in
the closet. I truly believe I love this man, but there's
not a lot of thing I like about him. I don't think he
would ever physically abuse me but sometimes the way he
distrusts me makes me sick. Joining the gym was an outlet
from him. I don't think I did it to meet men because I
meet also through work but I do feel like I need
something more in my life. I really can't see myself with
someone else but who knows maybe that will change.
From: Me
One final thought Karen. You say that you truly love
him. I realize that love can come many different forms,
but it's my opinion that "true" love, the kind
that lasts, has to be directed towards your best friend.
Is this man your best friend? If he is not, then the wise
thing to do would be keeping your heart open to others.
Friends first, lovers second.
From: Karen
to answer your question, NO, he is not my best friend.
If I tell him something that I don't want him to tell
anyone else, I can't be sure if he'll tell another. Let
me give you an example. I hope I can say this on this
forum. He tells me to be open with him sexually, and if I
don't he wont know what pleases me. Even though I have a
hard time, I end up telling him what's on my mind. When
we engage in Sex and I touch him in order to him going,
he always wants to get right into intercourse. He won't
try to get me horny. He says if after I touch him and he
gets an erection, if he stimulates me he will lose his
erection. I'm sorry but I have a hard time with this. I
vision 2 people making love but need foreplay before and
this includes touching, caressing, kissing. I tell him
that having intercourse just doesn't do it for me and I
need some other things before. His response is that I'm
selfish(he's laughing when he tells me this) and that he
has spoiled me because going down on me once in a while
should be good enough. Oh by the way when he does this it
is great but sometimes he doesn't and expects me to get
horny feeling him and him not doing the same. "WHY
IS HE THIS WAY"
From: Me
Although this isn't quite what I meant by being a best
friend I can still answer your question on this matter.
Lovemaking as well as loving in a relationship is about
giving. It is about wanting to please your partner.
Sexually, it is about making your partner feel alive and
beautiful. He is more concerned about pleasing himself
rather than pleasing you. In a loving relationship, each
partner is more concerned about pleasing the other. So my
initial observation is that he does not love you.
Actually I have already said this before. As an outsider
my opinion is that neither of you are in a loving
relationship.
I can use only my girlfriend as an example. In bed, as
well as in life, I only want to please her. Her getting
me excited is only an afterthought simply because turning
her on also turns me on. If she is not happy then neither
am I. The funny thing is, when I concentrate on getting
her going, she wants to turn me on in return. It is a
giving act. So by giving you also get in return. Needless
to say, she has an orgasm 99% of the time. That's the way
it should be.
From: Karen
Hi everyone, I just thought I would get on the forum
and give a little update to my situation. On my last
listing I discussed my problem with my controlling
boyfriend. It has been 2-3 weeks now and I am still going
to the gym on a regular basis, unfortunately things are
still the same with him. He doesn't like the fact that I
go almost every day, he says I'm loosing to much weight,
which I'm not (I've gone down I pant size.) The weekend
that just past I finally went away to Belleville to stay
with a girlfriend. We went out I had a terrible time and
came back the Saturday. I called him on Friday night, he
got mad and ended up going out himself to a bar. Went
away Saturday so I didn't see him until he called me at
home Saturday night at 12:00 Midnight. He's now saying
that if I go to the gym for even an 1 1\2 when I don't
have the kids, he will go and do whatever even if its the
whole day. I try to tell him its only for an hour and
that after I'm done we will do something. This isn't good
enough, either I don't go and do something with him, or I
go and spend the rest of the day or maybe even weekend by
myself. What do I DO WITH HIM. My guess is that he is
only going to get worse. He now says I'm fine the way I
am but I don't feel like that.
From: Lady "G"
Believe me there are a lot of men out there that are
like yours. What is it with them? They're afraid of
losing you, that's what it is. They think just because
you go to the gym, you're there to check out the
musclemania, but it's really for your health, right? Your
man must not have a hobby because he sounds like he's
bored . He tells you you're fine the way you are because
he doesn't want you to be away, but it doesn't matter
whether a person is skinny or fat, going to the gym
improves your health, so keep up the good workout!!!
From: Bernd
When one person in a codependent relationship begins
making choices that are healthier for them, the struggles
in the relationship almost ALWAYS get worse, before they
get better. I'll make another comparison to cars -
whenever I try to fix something, I have to take it apart,
and before I can put things back together again in ways
that work better, what I have for a long while is just a
bunch of pieces that look like wreckage around me. I fix
what I can, and if I get too frustrated, I find a
mechanic, or buy another car. (Ha, fat chance of THAT
being a solution right now for me! *grin*)
Anyway, I digress.:) Back to the relationship. Things
get worse because the dance has been changed, and the
partner always tries to bring things back to the status
quo, because it's familiar. We fear change, especially
change that we seem to have no control over. Your
partner's anger is how he's used to masking his fear.
Try to remind yourself that whatever is truly best for
you, is best for him - even if it triggers old pain and
struggle and anger in him. You didn't cause any of those;
your healthy choices meant that he could no longer
distract himself from feeling those, by his trying to
control the part of your life that you now take to the
gym. What he does with those feelings is up to him.
Changing your choices to appease him means you become his
valium, his drug.
How to cope with his anger and attempts to get you to
go back to how you were before? In my opinion, the most
important thing is to take the time you need with
yourself (and talking to others) to find as much calmness
and solidness as you can about your ownership of your
body. Let him know that you are willing to talk with him
to find win/win solutions. If he's willing to talk,
that's great. If not, give him the freedom to do what he
feels best for him (even if it's NOT what's best for
him). I'd recommend letting him know as honestly as you
can what you want from him, while giving him the freedom
to do the same in expressing his needs. Give yourself
permission to be totally illogical.
Try to stay away from a "if you do this, I'll do
that" kind of struggle. The things that works best
for me is reminding someone that I'll do what I need to
to keep myself safe, and treat myself as a friend would.
And I don't try to explain what I might do if a given
situation arises, cause that's a trap (trying to predict
what I'll do). I'll do what's best for me, if and when
any moment arises where I need to look carefully at how
someone's treating me. Anyhow, I'm starting to sound like
a father hen, so I'll stop now.:)
Take what works, and leave the rest. I think it's
great that you're doing something that makes YOU feel
good, and is good for you, like the gym. I just thought
of something - would your partner be up to a dare of a
race around the local baseball field a few times a week,
with the winner buying the loser (and themselves as well)
their favorite flavor of ice cream after as a consolation
prize? Would give him a workout too, and make your gym
time part of the contest, and the play. Just a thought.:)
Never know, eh???? You go girl!
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