 I'm hurting too much to go on -
Untrusting
Well, I just came back to work after the worst weekend
of my life. Early Sunday morning (3:00 am) my sister and
my fiancé of four years had sex. I found out on Sunday
after my sister accused him of rape. There has been an
investigation that has pretty much proven that there was
no force involved and that both parties were willing. My
sister is married with two kids and, I guess became
afraid of someone finding out. I love my boyfriend and
want to make it work out, but how can I trust him ever
again. The pain is really to much for me to handle. I
have lost a sister and all trust in the man I was to
marry. Someone please, please help me!!! Thank you for
any advice, comments, or stories of your own.
 From: cindy
I'm sorry about your situation and I know this is very
hard but I need a little more information about the
circumstance surrounding the incidence. How did you find
out, who told you and is your relationship with your
sister a good one before this happened. Has your
boyfriend been unfaithful before.
From: Bernd
Hang in there girl. That is rough. It crunches your
heart right to the core when it's someone that close to
you that is part of the betrayal.
From what we remember going thru our coping times,
EVERY FEELING is normal and okay, as long as we don't
harm ourselves or someone else by acting in unhealthy
ways BECAUSE of our feelings - or lack of them. The
cycles are similar, but very unique for everyone as well.
If you can find a place to scream and smash (or pound)
something without hurting yourself, do it ASAP. There's a
lot of rage inside, and venting it will help give some
some needed strength to deal with the difficult days,
weeks, and months ahead. One thing that helped me a lot
during the hardest times was the phrase "and this
too shall pass". Sometimes it's all that kept me
from driving my car into a lamppost. I hope you find
something to hang onto, and I hope you get the hugs and
support you need here to help you thru this most
difficult time.
From: Kim
First and foremost, you're safe to vent here. You have
been injured by two people you trusted and loved and it
is more than natural to feel just a little crazy right
now. I know how much I hurt when I found about the 2
betrayals (sp?) in my life. You go through the grief
process whether you work it all out or not.
I'm thinking of you and will say a special prayer that
God gives you the gift of peace in your heart to handle
whatever comes next. BIIIIIG HUG.
From: Susan
Don't let those two people destroy you....... Let it
be enough that they have destroyed themselves. Probably
none of us can say the right words to you right now - to
tell you how much hurt we feel FOR you. Please come here
and let out all that anger and rage and pain and sadness.
We are here, we will support you with our thoughts and
prayers. Hang on, please !!
From: Untrusting
Thank you all for your support and advice. Sometimes,
it's not as hard as others--then it hits me
"WHAM"! I'm glad I found this place OL.
In response to the questions asked: My sister and I
were VERY close; we told each other everything. We live
very close to each other (practically right across the
street) and I was there, in the room with her, when her
second child was born. I was given the honor of naming
her and she will always be my little Cassandra. Now I'm
afraid that I will never be able to see her or her
sister. My whole family is torn apart by this. We were
all so very close.
This happened Sunday Morning at around 3 a.m. I found
out around noon the same day when my mother called me and
asked me to come to her house because my sister, (we'll
call her "Tina") had something to tell me. Tina
sat me down and told me that my boyfriend had raped her.
I was in SHOCK. I told her that if he had done that, that
she needed to press charges. She said she couldn't go
through the embarrassment. She told her husband next, and
he said that she had to press charges, which is what she
proceeded to do.
My family (mom, dad, brother, brother-in-law) were all
on her side. My boyfriend admitted to me that he had had
sex with her but swore it was not rape. The investigator
talked to my sister and had her go to the hospital for
rape examination. I have since found out that the
forensic nurse could not come up with any evidence that
it was a rape case. The investigator also came to my
house to speak with my boyfriend. The investigator would
NOT let me leave the room; he said I had a right to know
and that he wanted my opinion on the story. So, I got to
hear EVERY DETAIL!!--more than I ever wanted to know. My
parents also heard both sides of the story......and have
since then met with the investigator to tell him that
their believe is that it was consensual--that's right,
they don't believe my sisters story!
My boyfriend should feel lucky to ever have been
included in my family. And, I hope he realizes this. My
family still wants his to be a part of it, but the agree
that we need counselling. I haven't spoken to my sister
since Sunday. I do know that the investigator wants to
see if she will take a lie-detector test, that she is
refusing. And to top things off, as if I needed anything
else, my brother-in-law is now making threats on my
boyfriends life because he still believes that she was
raped.
If I had time, and could slow my mind enough, to stop
rambling, I'm sure this would all make more sense. I
could also give you more details on how my sister
"seduced" him and how he accepted her
willingly. My mind isn't exactly straight now, and I am
sorry. Thanks again, my new-found friends.
From: cindy
You have nothing to be sorry about, this is not your
fault. They did it to you, you had nothing to do with it,
and their was nothing to prevent this from happening. The
thing that puzzles me is "why did your sister
tell" was she threatened in any way by your
boyfriend, or is she doing this all for attention, maybe
guilt. You should know in your heart if it was RAPE. If
in fact your boyfriend had any sexual hang-ups that might
lead you to believe that this story is true. Go with your
heart and don't let anyone make you believe something
that you don't believe. You must be really hurting about
now and I am so sorry your going through this BUT if it's
answers you need and why, talk honest and open with both
of them.
Ask your boyfriend if he wasn't satisfied with you,
what made him stray, ask him to take a Lie Detector test
and see how he reacts. By his reaction I think you'll get
your answer as to who is lying. I cant say who is but the
in your heart you will know in the end. If it ends up
being your sister who is lying, and from what you've said
so far, it's sound like she is, if you can go to her.
Tell her you know she's not telling the truth and make
her understand it's important to you to know why this
happened. WHO KNOWS MAYBE THERE'S MORE TO THIS STORY THEN
YOU THINK YOU KNOW AND WHAT BOTH PARTY'S ARE TELLING YOU.
All and all your the only person who can determine if
your relationship can be salvaged either with your
boyfriend and sister or if in fact you will ever be able
to trust either one again. My sympathy and prayers are
with you.
From: mzet
I cannot begin to imagine the level of your pain. But
I can feel at least some of your pain in my past pain. I
am not an expert, but here are my guesses:
Vent all of your rage in ways that do not harm you or
your sister or your boyfriend. I exercised a lot every
day when I discovered my wife's affair. That helped
tremendously. I cried a lot too. That helped a bunch and
still does. But don't cry or vent rage in front of your
sister or your boyfriend to "punish" them.
Leave them alone in their own hell, particularly your
sister's. Concentrate on your hell not theirs.
(By the way, this sexual encounter is probably more
than just the sex. The sex may be the culmination of a
mutual attraction that developed over time. They may be
in love. In any event, they both also need time to sort
out their hell. Give them the time and the space they
need for that. )
Don't make any important decisions about your life,
particularly your relationships, now. Don't make a
decision about whether you want to salvage the
relationship with your boyfriend now or not. Wait until
you can be a little more rational about the possible
outcome of that decision. Now is not the time for that.
Your healing will take time. But you will heal! Give
yourself time, a lot of time. It took me over six months
to get to a level where I could find peace. It may take
you much longer.
Go to therapy for yourself first. That also helped me
tremendously. In fact, everything that you do now should
be FOR YOURSELF, not anybody else. After you have healed
and after you decide if you want to continue your
relationship with your boyfriend, then think about
therapy to "salvage the relationship". Again, I
feel it may be way too early for that.
Ask and get support from those around you, but
remember that your parents are going through their own
hell too. That's why a therapist is usually so good:
someone outside who you can trust with your inner most
feelings. Go to your local bookstore and buy a few books
about affairs. They helped me, particularly in early on.
It's OK to feel what you feel: rage, anger, sadness,
depression, suicidal, no appetite, vomiting, etc. I had
them all. But you CAN channel those feelings towards a
productive end. That's what I did. The whole mess (though
not as intense as yours) gave me the opportunity to look
inside of me for questions and answers about myself,
irrespective of my wife's affair and her decisions and
other outside circumstances.
Pain really gives you an opportunity to confront the
source of that pain (which, oddly enough, is not what
your sister and boyfriend did; that was just the
trigger). The questions and the answers are inside of
you, but you can't hear the whispers in the midst of this
confusion. But over time and with discipline, you will. I
hope this helps a bit. Hang in there. You are not alone.
Take care of yourself.
From: hurting2
I feel for you. I am in the same
situation. I was told by my sister in Feb. 97 that my
husband had raped her not once but two times. I have been
married for 16 years this month and have five children.
His story is that that have been having an affair for 7
years and now I finding out about this almost 8 years
after the fact. But I can tell you it probably hurts just
as bad because for me everything in our marriage to me
has been a lie. I will tell you to make sure that you
want to be with this guy for the rest of your life,
because to tell you the truth if I would have known years
ago I would have left him. You will have good days and
bad days. Today is a bad one for me. I have always been a
strong person but this has torn me apart. I have I lost
respect and trust for my husband but I have also lost a
sister that I loved and her kids that I love. I am
seeking some help at my church and I would hope that you
go talk to someone too, it has been the only way I have
been able to get through the week. I have many sleepless
nights and I'm sure I will have more. But I can tell you
that what I have learned is it always the response of the
man to shut down and not want to talk about it. and that
is what I am facing now. I would suggest that you make
your boyfriend accountable and make him go with you to
seek help for your relationship, if that is the direction
your are heading in. Hang in there.
From: Untrusting
WOW! and I thought I was the only one something like
this had happened to! My boyfriend has been willing to
talk to me. Sometimes he gets upset and says that I am
just trying to get the details so I can use them against
him later, but I'm not. He also has taken full
responsibility for this and wants to go to counselling
with me.
You see so angry, hurting2, which I'm sure is normal.
But it also frightens me because I was angry at first and
now I just don't feel anything......just alone and
confused. I'm wondering if this is normal to lack that
anger? Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone.
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