 Children and divorce - Cautious
I find that with school no longer taking up my time
and energy I am being faced with many things that have
needed my attention these last three years much more than
I have been able to give. I am not feeling any sense of
guilt for the choice that I made to go back to get my
degree but I am becoming very aware of the cost that this
necessary choice has has on my two children. They are 17
(male) and 14 (female. Actually, my son will be 17 next
Wednesday which is the same say that I turn 44.
This experience of divorce has been extremely
difficult on all of us. For the children, no matter what
age I know that they suffer greatly. Add to the suffering
the uncertainty and identity stuff that occurs through
adolescence and I am living inside what seems like a
simmering volcano whose pressure at times comes very
close to overflowing!!!! There have indeed been some days
when some hot lava has oozed out. I am grateful for the
recovery that I have experienced in my own life these
past eight years but I am finding that there remain many
areas where the little girl still active inside of me
needs as much nurturing as do my children. It is on these
days that the pressure builds. I become afraid of the
responsibilities and the need for "parenting"
to all of us and I find myself looking for those escape
routes that bring temporary relief. I am not talking
about the things of addiction such as alcohol but a
deeper disease symptom which involves running away from
myself.
It never fails that no matter where I run when I get
there, there I am :) I know that I am not expected to
know how to handle these things perfectly, I know that
the emotional turmoil and the periods of self doubt and
fear are very normal. I do find however that when things
get especially difficult I get the feeling that "If
people really loved me... they wouldn't do the things
they are doing..." In other words, I accept too much
responsibility for the actions of others and I lose my
perspective as I try to recapture the feeling of being
"o.k." I would like to hear of ways to love
myself through this hard life experience. I no longer
have the desire to stay busy in order to not have to look
too closely at the pain and disappointment. It no longer
serves any good purpose for myself or my children.
Bernd and Lynda, once again I must thank you for your
willingness to provide a forum such as this for reaching
out to a hurting world. I find a great deal of comfort
and courage in this forum.
 From: Kim
Boy do I know how you are feeling---or at least my own
take on it.
I don't know if this is the best way, but I talk to my
kids as soon after I say something I shouldn't have or in
a way I shouldn't have, or if I come home grouchy (like
yesterday). I let them know that even though I'm their
mom and I am the "authority" figure in the
house, I am also just a girl who is just trying her best.
I let them know that this situation is not what I wanted
for any of us, but we are in it together and we need to
make the best of it. A counsellor a few years ago told me
to explain to them that we are a team. When I have used
that frame of reference with them, they seem to grasp the
situation better. I guess it puts in terms they can more
easily identify with.
I'm still struggling myself (my son just turned 15
Sunday and my daughter turns 9 this Sunday), but
communication still seems to be one of the best tools, as
long as you're not dumping inappropriate stuff on them
about your life. They still need that safe/parent figure.
I hope this helps a bit. Appreciation to you all.... this
morning is a little better for me (of course the kids are
still asleep!!!!.........)
From: Cautious
Thanks... The feeling of terminal uniqueness sometimes
gets the best of me. It's nice to know that I am not
alone and there are resources from someone who has been
there. Are you divorced? How old are your children?
From: Kim
We're all unique in our own experience. It's okay to
feel whatever we feel. We're each a different person with
a uniquely different history, that just may be similar to
others out there. The same but different!?!
I have been divorced/separated for about 3 years now.
My children are 15 & 9. It still hurts and I am
jealous of the new "family" my ex-husband
created with his "other woman", they've been
married now 2 years and he and she raise her to boys
around my kids' age. But you know, that was his choice
and not my kids' choice. I try not to make them suffer my
pain, tough they know that it can hurt me sometimes, just
as they feel hurt about it sometimes.
As I stated, the more often I use the "team"
reference with them, we seem to have more co-operation
around here. They know that they can make a positive or
negative difference. This is appropriate for them. It's
when you keep secrets and kids WANT to have some control
over the scariness of the situation that they bring on
inappropriate magical thinking into the picture as I did
as a child with my dad's drinking. I only wish my parents
had directed me towards alanon then. I might be a
different/healthier person now. But they did what they
knew to do at the time, just as I am doing.
I'm working on listening to my inner-voice, though I'm
not sure whether I did or not his weekend. But, that's
another post. Hang in there and let me know how you're
doing. Coming to this site and being of help to and
getting support from others is making a difference in my
life. THANK YOU ALL!
From: Bernd
Maybe stop "parenting" and be a kid, and
PLAY with your kids. That's win/win, and magic. Lynda
brought some bubble soap with us in our last outing, and
we made bubbles for an hour and loved it! It's that
simple, and it's SO simple our "adults" in us
missed it by a mile for a lonnnng time.:) Your kids and
you need the same thing - pay time, laughter, and the fun
of togetherness. The BEST thing the "parents"
inside of us can do is to jump in the pool and splash
with the kids inside, and the real life kids outside. My
guess.:)
From: Cautious
Playing sounds like alot of fun after the last three
years!!!! Perhaps we will go bowling this weekend. I even
have coupons that will give each of us a free game!!!!
God is good. :)
From: Herb
Wow I didn't know that you had so much on your plate.
I am here to help. Ruff Ruff or squeak squeak. By the way
for me to own the responsibility for others behavior is
just a trick of my disease to try and make me unhappy.
|
