 Did I blow it? - Kim
Hi guys! I really need you again. I am feeling quite
numb right now which I know is indicative of denying my
emotions.
You all know by my previous postings that I was 1)
married for 13 years, separated twice, and eventually
divorced after learning of a year long affair; 2)entered
almost immediately thereafter into a 2 year
"secret" relationship with a knight in shining
armor who eventually became verbally abusive and who
continued seeing an ex-girlfriend; and 3) was recently
dumped by "the coach" who needed to figure out
his feelings about his ex-wife, but who ended up in a
relationship with someone else (though he still
"thought about me all the time").
Okay, here goes. My good friend is dating a man who
works with batchelor #2. The guys went away for an out of
town meeting and batchelor #2 suggested that my
girlfriend and I drive down and spend part of the weekend
just getting away. He knows how difficult this break-up
with the coach has been on me and wanted to help me just
get away and have fun. Well, after much soul searching on
my part I agreed to go. We went, had dinner with the guys
and then went back to the respective rooms. I had made it
clear that because he was now married to the girl he left
me for and had been seeing all along that I wanted this
strictly as friends an platonic. Wellllll, as I'm laying
there in bed fully clothed he starts rubbing my back and
telling me just to relax. One thing leads to another and
now I have had a new exprience in my life that I swore I
never would. Two actually. A one-night stand and an
adulterous one at that. That is not me, but oh yes I
guess now it is? The biggest problem? I really don't feel
much remorse! I'm not in-love with him anymore and though
it felt comfortable to make love with him, I had no
emotion while doing so and actually cried after he fell
asleep. I felt like I should have been lying there with
the coach. That's who I wanted. But, I also feel like
this may be helping me to let go of the
"specialness" I felt with the coach. Batchelor
#2 helped me get over my husband, though I fell in
love/worship with him at the time; so, now maybe I'm
using this one night stand to detach from the coach?!
Help! I'm becoming a person I never thought I'd be.
Why don't I feel more remorse (well partially because his
wife hates my guts though I was the main reason he gave
her another chance. I supported him in his efforts to
understand her mental illness and to forgive her. Even
so, she still gossips about me and spreads false
rumors---and I have no contact with her!). I feel numb
but not as guilty as I have been raised and have believed
I should feel having done this. Please give me some
insight. If the coach walked in the door right now and
wanted to start over, I know I would say yes, yes, yes.
 From: Susan
Well, I don't know that you "blew it", but
you sure seem to be in a barrell full of denial. Reading
between the lines, you sound like you feel guilty as all
heck, but you don't want to. Perfectly normal reaction I
would guess.
MY opinions: (1) a little 'revenge' for him leaving
you for someone else. (2) a little 'satisfaction' of
"showing him what he is missing". (3) a lot of
needing to feel wanted after the coach. (4) a BIG need to
be hugged and loved to reaffirm your loveability and
sensuality. Hey - been there, done that!! It's just a
normal reaction to all the things you have been going
through. Not necessarily "right or wrong", just
human.
Realistically, why did you go ??? Maybe
subconsciously, you got exactly what you wanted or
expected - otherwise, why put your self in that position
?? SO WHAT !!! A bad decision DOES NOT make you a bad
person. LEARN from this situation. Considering all you
have been though it might be time to take a few steps
back and spend some time in a self-help group or with a
good therapist. Learn about yourself and what attracts
you to that type of guy. Learn about YOUR needs, and
goals and feelings - finding safer and/or more
"acceptable" ways to meet those needs and
feelings.
Sure, it's a STRUGGLE - one I am going through right
now, so I DO know how hard it is. Just remember - WE ARE
WORTH IT !!!!! My support and prayers.
From: Kim
Thanks Susan. Some of what you said is exactly what
was going through my mind as I went to sleep last night.
I put my self in that position knowing full well that
there was a good possibility that he would try to
"entice" me into something I "didn't"
want to do!?! I did want the strokes to my ego I guess.
But you know what? I think I also wanted him to take away
the pain, just like he did when my husband and I
divorced. It's just that he isn't the magical person
anymore. He's more like a brother (I am an only child). I
care about him, and I enjoy sex with him (no I'm not into
incest!!), but he doesn't make me feel safe anymore. I
guess he never really had that power. It was something I
projected onto him.
So, I guess that alot of the stuff that I have felt
for the three men in my life I projected onto them....as
far as filling up my well, as Bernd put it. Only I can do
that. It's so hard to go from intellectual knowledge to
"heart" knowledge. I guess this weekend was
part of "getting healthy 101". I'm not sure if
I got an A for learning a lesson or an F for falling for
it.
I do know that whatever reprecussions come from this,
it is no ones fault but my own. My friend, my old lover,
no one else made me do what I did. I did it with full
knowledge of what probably would happen, though honestly,
I really wish he had been a gentleman and just held me
close to make me feel safe with no sex. That's what I
really wanted. A little dissapointed, but also a little
wiser, huh?
From: Susan
I am glad you didn't take it wrong - only speaking
from my own past experience. You know, once I told my
therapist that I felt like I had some kind of
"stopper" in my neck - stuff just sits in my
brain and never makes it down to my heart!!! You said
about the same. I am glad you go to CoDA, I go to S-Anon
- same thing different co-addiction. Let's just keep on
getting ourselves "squared away" and the HECK
with the rest (for now anyway !!!!) Hang in there......
{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
From: Kim
I re-read my post about "blowing it" this
morning. I really set myself up, didn't I? I guess I'm
very disappointed in myself for doing something that I
find appalling. I'm not the person I have tried so hard
to be. Growing up the way I did and because I have always
thought of myself has having a good heart, I was always a
people pleaser and goody-two-shoes. I was the one who
always said "come on you guys. Your're being stupid.
Settle down." The nice girl who never had fun, but
took care of everyone so that they could have fun and not
have to suffer the reprucussions.
I guess a part of myself was rebelling. Like, what
good has it done me to try and do the right thing? I'm
alone. I'm lonely. I'm tired. I have given my best to 3
men in my life and they have all left me. I know...poor
pitiful me--get a grip! Perhaps this was my rebellion.
But I'm ashamed and I don't feel good about my choice.
Dinner and talking and joking was nice. The attention was
nice. But, I really just wanted a friend, not sex. I
didn't want to take his wife's place. That is hers. I
just wanted a few strokes to my ego and to not feel so
abandoned.
You're right Bernd. I jump for the first well that
will fill me up---or at least looks like it's not dry,
huh? Thank you all for listening. Any comments are
extremely welcome. I'm very confused right now.
From: Diane
Forgive yourself for your "step back" this
past weekend. Think of it as a temporary anesthesia/break
from/of the turmoil your mind is going through. By the
remorse and/or guilt of "shit, what the hell did I
DO?" is in my opinion an aknowledgement to getting
back to reality, getting back to the work of YOU, YOUR
emotions, YOUR spirit, YOUR well-being and happiness.
I think people like you are extra wonderful. You seem
to be the type of person who gives boundlessly,
energetically, but not stupidly. At the same time you
seem to be extraordinarly sensitive to others. Sometimes
that "super-radar" can get folks into trouble
with percieved threats of loss or rejection. From your
posts, I know you strong, capable and will make it
through whatever the God(ess)s challenge you with.
ps - I could probably find this out from re-reading
your posts, but was alcohol involved in your liason? That
stuff is poison to my boundaries.
From: Kim
Diane- (I guess you can tell that I enjoy the
alias/subject fields of these posts, huh?!) If by liason
you mean the one night stand, alcohol was only involved
on his part. I had a few drinks a couple of hours earlier
with dinner, but was completely and totally sober that
evening. I even thought to myself that I wish I was drunk
so it would be easier. It was almost like punishing
myself. Kind of like, well being a "good girl"
has gotten you nowhere. Why not live like the other girls
do. Go to a nice motel, have a nice dinner, get a free
room. All you have to give up is some sex with someone
you have enjoyed it with anyway. It was like a dance
between really wanting the hugs and safety, but since I
mostly knew that was NOT going to happen, rationalize the
sex part of it. Try and detach the emotions. At least I'm
recognizing when I'm doing it now sooner.
But I do agree with you on the alcohol being a
catalyst. If I get tipsy now, all I want to do is give in
and go running to "the coach". All my defenses
come down and my sexual drive rises significantly. I'm
not prudish any way, but I just lose all restraint and
totally enjoy the situation, which I really never did
with my husband. I couldn't let go of control and being a
good girl. I guess once I slept with Batchelor #2 and
enjoyed it and realized that what the heck, I've now
committed fornication, I might as well be good at it and
enjoy it. Plus, more significantly, I truly thought he
loved me.....yeah, right.
Enough of that. Thank you for your unconditional
support. I read what Bernd said about learning to fight
alligators in the swamp, not behind the fence. I guess I
got pretty swampy this weekend. Just pray that if he
calls again with some fun and adventurous plan that I
don't swim with the gators again. Big hug of thanks!
From: Lynda
Hi, I care!! I know this is a difficult time right
now,so I thought this might bring back a smile :) go to: http://www.bluemountainarts.com/mailbox648/thebroad30468067.html
Be gentle with yourself . Hugggs.
From: Kim (to Lynda)
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!! REALLY REALLY REALLY BIG HUG WITH
TEARS OF THANKS.
From: Bernd
Hi Kim. Just a few notes. Looks like you have a great
support network here! I just wanna jump into that hug
fest myself!:)
The guilt and shame: when we were younger (and even
now), guilt and shame were heaped on us, and we knew damn
well what would happen to us if we DIDN'T feel it (there
were even worse punishments waiting for us if we didn't).
So feeling the guilt and shame was our only way of having
ANY type of control. Even now, if WE feel the shame
first, we can fend off others who want to heap it on us
(use it to control us). We feel utterly powerless when
someone else is dumping on us, cause we don't know how
far they'll go. At least if twe do it ourselves, WE have
some control - we know when "too much is too
much". And other people lay off of us when they're
satisfied we're feeling rotten enough.
So punishing ourselves is actually a way we try to
protect ourselves. When nyou feel guilt and shame, you're
beating yourself up to stop someone else from beating you
up even worse.
But you aren't alone anymore. That shield - with the
barbs inside as well as the outside - served you like an
old pair of shoes: it got you here, but here's a gift box
with some new sneakers. You had the new shoes all along,
but I thought it might be nice if we all gift wrapped
them for you, and made it a special occasion.:) The box
is big enough to put that old guilt and shame into it.
You can still take them out whenever you want, but I have
a feeling the new shoes are going to get more comfortable
every time you wear them. And maybe someday you won't
need those old shoes at all anymore, and you can get them
bronzed!:) Now, before I start putting MY feet in my
mouth.
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