 Do people change? - Robert
I am dating (and want to marry) a wonderful, loving,
sexy 50 year old woman that I have known for over two
years. If I judge her on her behavior in the two years,
she is faithful, and truthful. The problem is what she
has told me about her past. She has had numerous affairs.
One lasted nearly 20 years. She has lied to every partner
she ever had. The question is, can people change???
 From: Bernd
Everyone changes. But it's WHAT we change and how we
change that determines how much healthier we become
emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
Ask her whether she told any of her previous partners
about her affair history BEFORE she was unfaithful to
THAT partner. See how her answer FEELS inside, as well as
listening to the words. If you're the first one she's
opened up to about her past this way, my guess it's a
good indication she's learned the value of honesty - even
when that honesty is risky (and telling someone about
past affairs IS risky).
Also, ask her why she wouldn't have an affair again.
See how her answer feels. Let her know YOUR concerns, and
if she supports your concerns as normal, it's a good
indication she's learned from the past.
The best indication I can get of someone's integrity
is talking to them about intimate parts of themselves and
their past (while sharing mine as well). Someone who is
trying to blow smoke in your eyes will cover their tracks
here and there in little ways, setting off warning bells
inside. The more willing she is to tolerate the pain of
bearing the not-so-pretty aspects of herself and her
past, the more able she is to tolerate the pain she feels
in any upcoming struggles in the relationship. It's our
need to run away from that pain that brings us to the
doorway marked "affair".
Those are my guesses.
From: Robert
Good comments. Thank you. When I asked her about why
she would not be unfaithful to me. She got mad and cried.
She said she never thought of herself as unfaithful. That
I could either trust her or not.
From: Bernd
Quick question? Did she mention why she didn't
consider herself unfaithful??
From: Robert
She considered the relationships "flawed"
but didn't formally end them.
From: Kim
Geez, I think that sounds like rationalization and
denial on her part. Since I have been on the receiving
end of this kind of rationalization, it sounds pretty
familiar. Be careful.
From: Bernd
I get the reading this woman is still carrying around
a lot of unresolved pain inside of her, and is trying so
hard to be a “good person”, but that pain keeps
catching up to her leaving her feeling empty and
unworthy. Yes, that’s prime fuel for an affair. Let
me see how close my other senses are. Do you find this
woman has a special sort of sensitivity, a sweetness
that’s mixed with a bit of sorrow that lingers just
below the surface?
I wouldn’t be surprised if she is a childhood
sexual abuse survivor. My reading is that - if my other
guesses are close to the truth - that she is in an
unwinnable struggle inside. If she gets close enough to
someone, that love trips open all those old trapdoors,
and the old pain that starts to leak out feels terrifying
and overwhelming. But she also craves that very
closeness, because she’s likely never been able to
attain true closness with anyone. If that isn’t
hell, I don’t know what is.
Robert, if you are going to continue a relationship
with this woman, I’d suggest taking a very serious
look at what your own expectations and needs are.
There’s a reason you were attracted to her;
it’s no accident. If there’s truth to the
guesses I made above, it will be a very rough journey at
times. Lynda’s recovery from sexual abuse has been
no picnic, and while I wouldn’t trade sharing that
journey with her for anything in the world, I also found
that bullshitting myself about my ability to tolerate the
rough parts was a recipe for disaster. Being part of her
healing DEMANDED as much of a commitment to my own
healing, for me to keep from tripping all over her.
I think that’s the opportunity here. There is no
shame in walking away, either now or in the future if she
DOES have an affair. If you decide to continue your
relationship, I think it holds tremendous potential for
some real healing miracles - if you are open to searching
for them. I suspect that there is something that YOU need
to heal inside that HER struggles can help you find.
That’s been my experience, and why I reaffirm that
“everything that Lynda does is what I need”.
(Yes, even if that included an affair by her.)
I have no idea why this relationship is happening the
way it is at this stage of your life. Whatever it is,
you’ll have a better chance of finding out why by
continuing to seek other people’s insights, and
using whatever insights you get to help you in your
search for understanding.
Something inside of me just wants to reach out and hug
you both. Good luck in your search Robert.
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