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 Need Advice on Ultimatum -
Amberle
I've written here before and always appreciate all the
help. My question is in relation to my long-term
relationship that seems to be stagnating. My boyfriend
and I have been together 9 years now, monogamously. He
recently admitted a mutual attraction with a woman where
he works but told me repairing our relationship came
first. (we had been growing apart). He finally told this
woman back in Dec. that he wasn't going to cheat on me
and wanted to try again with me. Just 2 weeks ago he went
to a party and spent an hour telling her NO because she
was drunk and told him "I want what our girlfriend
has". He told her no, which makes me happy. He is
"feeling better about us" which also makes me
happy. If I could say anything to him, I would say
"Marry me or get lost, because I'm tired of
waiting." I would like an opinion on whether it is
wise to issue this ultimatum or coast as we have been
doing. To be fair, things between us have gotten a lot
better and we have more fun in each other's company. We
are both faithful and each other's best friends. So why
can't I be patient? More importantly, should I? I'd hate
issue an ultimatum hen have to say, oh well I didn't mean
it! Any thoughts? Once again, thanks for reading!
 From: Bernd
The more you need him to make choices and say things
“which makes me happy”, the more something
inside him is going to rebel at this responsibility.
That’s the dance I see, and it’s one where both
of you can’t AVOID stepping on each others’
toes. His part of the dance is that he gets the closeness
and caring he wants from you in return. If he says
something you don’t like, your pain and confusion
makes you unavailable to him emotionally. If he says
enough things you don’t like, he stands the real
risk of losing you.
You want him to commit, but I suspect he sees
commitment as the final stripping away of his freedom to
make HIS choices and have HIS feelings. He’s used to
trading off who he is to get the closeness he wants and
needs, and my guess is you are familiar with seeing your
worth and lovability as a reflection of how much your
partner “loves” you. They are very much
matching pieces (which ironically, makes perfect sense of
why you’ve been together 9 years.)
This probably feels VERY risky, but if you want to
take your relationship to a new level of closeness and
commitment, those unaddressed issues have to come out,
with the fears and pain that will be attached to them.
But think of what you really want most. For example, what
gift has most value - a gift he feels he SHOULD give you,
or one he WANTS to give you, because it feels so good to
him to give it? And with your own happiness, what feels
better - being able to be happy even when he’s
struggling with something, or only being able to be happy
when you feel loved? My best assurance that I won’t
have any major unpleasant surprises in our marriage is
the freedom I “give” Lynda. Actually, I
don’t give it,, because her freedom has always
belonged to her. What I do is respect it and support it
as much as possible, because it’s good for ME to do
so. When she is making her choices based on what’s
good for HER, I know her inner voice has the best chance
of being heard. And that inner voice ALWAYS guides her
toward loving choices.
It IS difficult and fearful supporting more of the
freedom our partner wants inside. We have a natural fear
of the unknown. And we see all sorts of terrible things
happening in our crystal ball. The reality as well is
that we’ll go thru our own withdrawal pains as we
relinquish control over something that feels so
important, while our partner stumbles blindly for a while
trying to see if we are really serious about supporting
more freedom, and then finding - to their horror - that
it’s even HARDER being responsible to themselves for
their choices. As much as they hunger for their freedom,
they wish for the days when “you” told them
what you wanted them to do. Be careful what you wish
for.:) A good therapist can help in going thru this
process. So does a LOT of talking, and a commitment to
honesty, even when it’s scary.
If this sounds like something you want to explore
further, you’ll find a lot of help in books and
websites dealing with codependency. Do it for YOU, not
for the “relationship”, or for him. Give him
the freedom to decide how much he wants to be a part of
your exploration. He’ll have his own fears and
doubts about venturing into uncharted territory. The more
you focus on you, the more freedom you’ll be giving
him NATURALLY, as a result of your growth. My guess is
that he’ll want to be a part of that growth process
sooner or later, because HE wants to be just as happy in
this relationship as you want to be.
Those are my best guesses.
From: Amberle
Once again, Bernd, you are on the money. I cried when
I read what you said from simply (and finally)
recognizing the truth of what you say. I've never been
secure in myself, so how could I expect it from someone
else? I know I have to find acceptance in myself first. I
never was able to admit that until these troubles came
into the open. I'm just so frustrated because he has the
power right now in our relationship - it seems whatever
he decides will be final. He doesn't want it that way; he
even said he regrets that it is that way; but that
doesn't change it. I love him more than he loves me. Do I
try to draw back or do I continue giving more until
there's nothing left? My patience with the whole
situation is getting shorter.
From: Bernd
You said "it seems whatever he decides will be
final". He only has power over HIM, and his half of
the relationship. It's a risk choosing what is best for
YOU, and then making an appropriate choice - but the
actual risks are even greater when you let HIM chart out
which way you go.
It takes practice and little steps to do something
new. Empowering yourself is no different. Take the time
you need to get a feel for what is best for you in each
situation, and try to stay away from making any decisions
until you have some sense of what is best for you. Unless
someone's life is at stake, no decision needs to be made
before you're ready.
Also, focus on learning, rather than "becoming
better". Change often means 3 steps forward, and 4
steps back at first, and this is natural. Our
"mistakes" teach us some valuable lessons, and
the more you can accept your "mistakes" as just
another class in life 101, the less guilt and shame will
cloud your vision.
As painful as it might be sometimes, we don't learn
how to wrestle alligators to the ground by standing
behind the fence. The swamp is really the only place to
get the hands-on-learning. Take breaks (distance) as
often as you need, and want. And build as much as a
support network as you can. Other people have learned how
to wrestle those gators, and they are only too glad to
help you make it safely thru to the other side.
When and if it's time to leave this relationship, the
more you can make that choice with some calmness inside,
the less likely it will be that you'll repeat those
struggles in your next relationship. Those are my best
guesses. Keep searching for what is best for YOU, and
you'll find it, step by step.
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