 One loves, One doesn't. What to
do? - SoberJoe
I am almost five years married to my wife and we have
a 16 stepson and a 3 year old son. I am a recovering
alcoholic with 70 days sober and have been back from
rehab 2 weeks ago. My wife and I partied hard since we
met and I don't think she is an alcoholic cause she isn't
addicted like me. When I quit she just quit. There have
been some heated discussions in our relationship and of
course I have done some stupid drunken things in the
past, which she has also done and was a participant in
almost all my drinking. I only offer that information as
background not blame.
Anyway, so I have worked through step 3 and am now at
step 4 in the 12 steps of recovery. I have made a
decision to turn my will and life over to God. My wife is
blaming me for a lot of hurt and is now telling me she
does not love me and is spending nights at a friend of
hers while I watch the boys. I have not been pushing and
she went to counselling with me once which we both wanted
but now she says she doesn't think she should have to
change the way she communicates to someone she doesn't
love. I keep working through the hurt by going to
meetings, counselling and calling my sponsor. I keep
loving her by letting go and just doing things for her,
giving freely without expectations.
The hardest part to accept is that with time it is
becoming more apparent that she just doesn't want me or
the change I am going through and that as long as we are
together we will seem to be going in opposite directions
now. She says she wants her space and would like it if I
moved out and into the barracks. I do not want to move
out, that would cause all kinds of unmanageable things to
happen which we cannot afford monetarily and with the
children. I do want to let her have her space to grow
herself but I think I am letting her do that while I'm
living with her. She said that she didn't want to have
sex with me anymore unless she loves me. That was hard to
accept at first because of or past passion for each
other, which was just before rehab, but I have accepted
that and told her that I would abstain and that I felt
that way also. Basically, I am now just loving her
unconditionally and she rejects it. She gives little
indications that there is hope but then does something
that contradicts that - like if she start feeling for me
she has to reject it or she will get hurt.
I get inpatient sometimes cause I really love her with
all my heart and I just want her pain to go away but she
refuses to get help. I know that Alanon would help her
and she has called alanon people a couple of times and
said she was going to go to alanon but she hasn't gone to
an alanon meeting yet and has indicated that she intends
not to now. It is really hard loving her so much
realizing that she is suffering inside and watching her
do nothing to heal it. I could go on and on but can you
offer any advise?
 From: Kim
Joe- When my dad got sober (after I had left home and
had my 1st child), I remember mom being so bitter with
him and saying really mean things that appalled me. I
couldn't believe that she was behaving that way. I've
since read that it's not uncommon for the co-dependent
spouse to feel a certain amount of jealousy of the
recovery because now the old dance and
"successful" way they had learned to relate
with the abuser no longer is wanted or needed. They feel
rejection, confusion, and finally are allowed to let some
of the anger and pain of the past to come to the front.
When someone gets sober you may think that now they will
finally be your white-knight, but the issues and problems
are still there. Only now they are being taken care of
(hopefully) sober.
I don't know if this all applies to your situation,
but it is what my mom went through. She wouldn't go to
alanon either. She went once and was turned off by it.
They are still together 15 years later, but sometimes I
wonder if it just wasn't the tenacity and co-dependency
that kept her in the relationship. They seem happy now
and I think she finally feels appreciated by my dad for
all of the years of suffering. Perhaps your wife just
needs time to deal with her anger from the past. Most of
all remember.......you're not alone. There are people out
here who care. Let us know what happens.
From: Bernd
Alcoholism is a FAMILY disease. The alcoholic is
addicted to booze, the co-alcoholic is addicted to the
alcoholic. Your drinking not only gave you a way to
escape feeling deep old pain, it also served EXACTLY that
same purpose for your wife. It's like drinking beer or
vodka - they both act on your system in different ways,
but they all help you numb the pain. While your wife
didn't get drunk, she was able to focus a big part of her
energies and emotions at trying to control you and your
drinking. The co-alcoholic is affected by just as
powerful and baffling disease process as the alcoholic.
More baffling in some ways, because there's no
"bottle" anyone can see - unless they know the
same disease process firsthand.
Imagine how you would have reacted (and may have) if
your wife cut off your supply of booze, before you got in
recovery? Likely with the same level of anger and rage
she feels. Your recovery has cut off her
"supply", and she no longer has your drinking
to distract her from her own pain - which she feels not
only as a result of her battle with the family disease of
alcoholism, but also the old pain she's been trying to
keep from overwhelming her.
Remember how you had to hit your bottom before you
found your way to AA? Could wild horses have dragged you
to a meeting before you were ready? Your own recovery
will help you understand the extremely difficult struggle
your wife is going thru right now. Ever struggle you've
had - and every struggle you'll face as you continue your
recovery - will be very similar to the struggles she's
going thru, and will go thru. You both are coping with
very similar disease processes, and only by learning to
accept your disease, can you truly begin to accept hers
as something she has no power over.
I know it's VERY difficult, and even tho she doesn't
want to go to al-anon at the present, she IS gaining from
your very courageous example. Think of a garden where you
rip out a big mound of weeds, and plant a rose bush. The
roses don't pop up overnight; for the longest while all
you have is a pile of damn dirt! It seems as if you're
WORSE off, but that's where your 3rd step really helps.
Learning to let your Higher Power guide you helps you
nourish the seeds you've planted with a mixture of
sunshine and tears - both are needed. Her Higher Power
will help her find her way home, in the same way yours
has helped you - and IS helping you.
Do you have a sponsor? He/she could be a real help in
dealing with your wife's disease process. Also, have you
thought of attending alanon yourself? There are many
"double-winners" in both programs, and our
groups always accepted AA members with open arms, as full
alanon members. AA will help you stay sober; alanon will
help you deal more effectively with the
"effects" of both your disease processes,
especially those that have impacted (and are impacting)
on your relationship.
I DO hope you and your wife find the support and hugs
you both need to find your way back to the kind of
happiness and love you both deserve, and have been robbed
of for so long by circumstances that neither of you ever
asked for, or ever wanted.
|
