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 On radical love - mzet
I finally began to sense some movement in my
relationship with my wife. I don't know if she still is
having her affair, but my hunch is that she has begun to
try to end it once again (I have lost track of how many
times she has tried to break up with the boyfriend!)
During the last few days I think I have made another
significant step for myself in that I have recognized
that even expecting her to commit back to the marriage
was a condition and that if our relationship was to have
any possibility of growing, it had to be on the basis of
radical and absolute freedom. I want my love to be
totally unconditional. The radicality of that love
consists in not expecting ANYTHING in return, not even
love or commitment or contrition for past wrongs. The
scariest part is that that love, therefore, by
definition, has got to be also open to the gift of
suffering. Does this make sense to you guys?
I mentioned this to her last night. I was surprised
(as she was) that I think I have come to really
internalize what I said. I feel that I am in the right
path because I feel so much peace inside. She thought
that that could not be the basis of any kind of long term
relationship, but I tried to explain that it is not that
there would be no commitment, but for our marriage to
work out her commitment cannot be to me but to herself,
and that for her to do that, our relationship had to be
based on a freedom that we just didn't even have when we
got married, because at the time, we married out of the
craziness and passion of the feeling of love, which is
not really freedom.
She also mentioned that it can't be that none of my
needs are met and all of hers are. This, I think, is a
reference to the fact that I am giving her all the
freedom she thought I would never give her and that she
feels that she is not meeting any of my needs. I answered
with a classic Bernd, that she is meeting some of my
needs and that part of my growth lately has been finding
other healthy ways of meeting those needs that she cannot
or is not willing to meet, and that part of the dance now
is figuring out without upsetting her, which needs I can
ask for to be met without threatening or controlling her.
The same goes for her needs, I am finding ways of being
there available for when she does allow me to meet some
of her needs, and I am not getting all upset if she is
meeting her other needs in ways that do not include me.
I also told her that now I appreciate more than I ever
did, the little ways in which she does show her love for
me. And that those little ways get amplified inside of me
in ways that I never thought possible, until I am just so
happy, I even wonder if I am just deluding myself or
going insane. She also asked what, then, I needed from
her. I said, after much thought, that I needed her to be
free.
I say that there is movement because she has begun to
write in her journal again, she seems happier with the
kids and me, she is smiling again, we are planning a
vacation with the kids, she is not falling asleep when I
talk about my feelings, she has started to answer my I
love you's with I love you too, and she is starting to
touch me without my asking for it. Much of this movement,
I think at least 50% of it, has to do with something that
Bernd and Lynda mention all the time: that I decided to
let go 100% (not 99% or 99.9%, but 100%), to really heal
inside of me, and to really begin to project peace. I
assume, though I am not sure, that that gave her the
space within which to look inside of her and in a sense
wonder why she didn't have that peace. It has been my
non-action by example rather than my action that has
opened up that possibility. I am sure the other 50% has
to do with her. But I don't know.
Bernd and Lynda, I know that I have asked this so many
times before, but now that once again I feel that my wife
and I are in the threshold of something new, can you
describe those moments when you guys began to reconnect
after your respective affairs in light of my comments?
One thing that I am experiencing that is a bit
unsettling is that I find myself really hating my wife at
times. My anger still is there. It's not at the levels of
a few months ago, when I would blow up in her face. And I
am not repressing it. When it comes out, I am more
reserved. I try to figure out why her actions are pissing
me off. I look for clues inside of me rather than in her.
I write horrible things about her in my journal, but then
I just try to connect with that peace I know I have
inside, and only after I reconnect with that peace, do I
tell her what's the matter, without anger or insults. But
I am wondering if you guys felt the same way, that the
anger kept coming back, that your sense of love was mixed
with other not-so-innocent feelings as you began to
reconnect with one another.
Finally, let me say, once again, that the two of you
are doing a terrific job on this Internet site. I don't
know where you get the energy to do it. But many of us
are thankful. Our journeys have been shortened quite a
bit by your efforts.
 From: Bernd
"I have lost track of how many times she has
tried to break up with the boyfriend!" Good!
Keep losing track.:)
"The scariest part is that that love,
therefore, by definition, has got to be also open to the
gift of suffering." Not only open, but
embracing. Love transforms suffering, and one of the main
purposes of love is to transform shit into flowers (the
garden analogy, remember?). Suffering and pain, when
embraced with love, no longer hurts in the same way.
Think of a sad love story movie. You LOVE watching it, as
much as the tears might flow, because there's something
very deep and sweet about those tears. That's the
transformation at work; that's what love does to pain and
suffering. Ironically, as your capacity for love
increases, so does your capacity to embrace suffering -
yours and others. It's another paradox of love. You will
experience MORE suffering and pain (as you share more
S&P of others), but at the same time, it will also be
much, much less - because it isn't pain and suffering
WITHOUT love (which hurts like hell). That make much
sense?:)
As you embrace more of your own pain this way, you'll
also be able to embrace your wife's pain and suffering
more, to empathize with it in ways you never were able to
before. This is powerful stuff. The more you do, the more
it will dawn on you that her choices were her best
attempts to try to try and save herself from sinking into
a deep black hole inside. And that in doing so, she
unintentionally brought on a wake-up call to you as well,
that you were sliding into one of your own little by
little without even being aware that you were. Is her
affair a curse, or a very precious gift? That's the power
of love at work. Embracing suffering brings us to truths
that we could have walked right into and never seen. It
allows us to forgive in the truest sense - forgiveness is
not forgetting, it's remembering in a different way.:)
Lynda went thru a lot of what your wife is going thru,
and will go thru. Her belief system is going thru a real
shake-up, as you express insights you've gotten that ring
true with her inside. Your wife is scared as hell about
trusting those echoes, because she feels she's screwed up
listening to her gut so many times before. Also,
discarding beliefs that we have in our head, when we're
not sure about trusting the whispers inside, leaves us
feeling very groundless during the transition. Her doubt
is a very necessary part of every small and large leap of
faith she takes. The more comfortable you can get with
your own doubts (allowing yourself to have all of them),
the more of an example you'll be, and the safer she'll
feel in having her own doubts for as long as she needs
them.
"And that those little ways get amplified
inside of me in ways that I never thought possible, until
I am just so happy, I even wonder if I am just deluding
myself or going insane." If you're insane, so
are we, so at least you won't be alone in the nuthouse!
What you're doing is turning the binoculars the other way
around:) The love you send out always gives you more back
than you sent out, from a mysterious magical place.
"She also asked what, then, I needed from
her. I said, after much thought, that I needed her to be
free. " I'm going to expand this a bit. I need
whatever Lynda is willing to give me, that's truly good
for her to give. Whatever is best for Lynda, is best for
me (in her giving anything to me). That includes her
right and need to make her choices freely.
:"I assume, though I am not sure, that that
gave her the space within which to look inside of her and
in a sense wonder why she didn't have that peace."
She didn't have to look, or wonder. There's a friend
inside she's hearing more often now - her soul. She can't
help but hear it, or listen to it.:) (Although she
probably IS wondering and looking a lot, as a result of
hearing those whispers more often.)
The reconnections: sometimes they are little flashes
of insight, little leaps in happiness and freedom;
sometimes they are great big wooshes; and sometimes they
are light speed rocket ships. You know how often you
wished you'd just hurry up and get THRU this thing?????
Well, now your speed is a little scary????? Careful what
you wish for:)))
"One thing that I am experiencing that is a
bit unsettling is that I find myself really hating my
wife at times." This anger and rage has been
there all along, masked by your own protective defenses
against feeling it. MOST of it has nothing to do with
your wife, except that she triggered open those trapdoors
inside of you. It's your unwillingness to embrace it that
is at the root of your struggle, not your anger itself.
Try to give yourself complete freedom to feel it and
express it, and let it pour out toward your wife (not at
her tho). What I mean is don't dump it on her in her
presence, but find safe outlets (such as your car,
another person who's willing to listen, your journal,
etc.). Be VERY, very pissed at your wife, and let
yourself FEEL it. Avoid trying to deal with it by
intellectualizing it. The more you feel it, the more the
layers will peel away, and you'll discover that your wife
was just the one you SAW as the reason, but behind her -
hidden from view - are many, many other people that you
are really pissed at, and justifiably so. There's some
little boys inside you that were hurt big time, and never
had that hurt really acknowledged. The anger is the
hidden acknowledgement of that hurt, and an energy that
will help you crystallise and heal that pain. This
explanation is only meant to help you let go of your need
to explain things (sorta a paradox, eh?). But you have to
FEEL all that anger, and let it go where it needs to go,
to really let it do its work. Try to stop looking for
answers; the anger will take you to the understanding
you're looking for, without needing your brain to figure
it out instead.
Where we get the energy? We are SELFISH. This forum
and site is a big part of OUR healing. Some days, I have
to back away (like, if I ate a bag of apples in one
setting, I'd feel "oooomph-ugh", as healthy as
apples are). It gives us a chance to share, to learn from
other people's experience, to feel the power of love at
work in our lives and other people's lives. That's the
logical explanations.
The inner voice one is "is just feels sooooo
good".:) You're doing great guy. Keep at it. It's
neat watching the miracles unfolding in your life. Big
Hugs.
From: kim
Mzet, Your post really touched me. As you may know, I
was married for 13 years from the age of 19 to 32. We
separated twice before the final break-up. I have
unfortunately become quite knowledgeable on "getting
back together". Unfortunately also, I didn't not
have a wonderful group of friends as we do here to learn
from. I was just a wee babe "wandering in the
mist". The anger you feel is natural, but probably
the most dangerous part of any kind of reconciliation.
My ex and I would try to start over, but that meant to
him that I could let the past go. Well, I wanted to, but
the memories were still there and needed to be dealt
with. Your journal writing is an excellent outlet for
your anger and whatever emotions you are feeling. I
hesitate to call them negative, because they are normal
and part of your own survival instinct. That was
something I was never allowed to consciously feel as a
child, but of course did internally. It will kill you!
Posting comments here has helped me because I know that I
have been heard AND understood by other experts in the
field of codependency/relationship addiction. I'll be
interested in reading other's posts on this issue,
because I too still have a hard time feeling okay when I
have anger or resentment. I can forgive, but it seems
once I start that, I disengage from the anger to the
extent that I no longer feel it, but have supressed it.
It comes out in violent dreams and night sweats. I guess
you have to feel it and that allows it to be let go, you
think?
God bless you and your wife. She's lucky that you are
teaching her so much. You could have said "see
ya" a long time ago. Be proud of your strength and
keep us informed. HUG
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