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 What Am I; Who Am I? - Wheeler
I've been paralyzed now for 17 years and I still
wonder about things, about myself. I was hurt when I was
17 yrs old and it seems each year gets a little worse for
me. I have seen a guidance counsellor for 1 1/2 yrs. (It
took me 6 months to really start to open up). On one
suicide occasion the Head Doctor tried to get me to take
some anti-depressant drug(s) but I said no way. Then my
mom gave me this book to read called A Course in
Miracles(there is a web site for this book) which I have
been studying 4yrs now. It has been a big help. I also
read the AA A Day at a Time now and then. I am a musician
and I met this really nice woman (long story) and we have
been broke up for 5 yrs now but I still think about her
still. I've never been married but it feels like a
divorce. She's getting on with her life but I still am
searching.
Why is it so hard for me? I guess it's because I still
have feelings for her, that is all I can come up with. I
volunteer for stuff; went back to school to take a music
course; I'm in a band; I have long hair but I think I
look ok; and I am a good person. I need some advice or a
website to go to for some help. I still look to my
CREATOR every day and though I smoke a filterless now and
then and have a cocktail once or twice a month with some
friends, I still wonder what's wrong with me or is there
anything wrong? I try to see things in a different way
and I don't judge people for their sins (I have my own)
but I still wonder who I am. I hope this isn't too
confusing. Thanks for reading anyway.
 From: Dove
Wheeler, hi. I wanted to let you know that I am in AA
and have also had some really hard times with my
relationship with god, wanting to know what he wants me
to do. I believe that he wants us to be happy. he want us
to try to lift each other up when we have doubts. believe
me, my first year in sobriety I had doubts. I got
pregnant after 13 years of trying but I wasn't married
and it was an individual who was in AA but not working
the program and very crazy. I carried Sarah to birth
which was at 31 weeks gestation, having to be rushed to
the closest major city's neonatal intensive care unit
where she and I stayed together for 3 weeks. throughout
the pregnancy I tried to make a decision on to keep her
or not, not because I didn't love her but because I am
single and have some problems myself which would
interfere with taking care of her. then after her birth,
the doctors call me and tell me she has brain problems.
as in part of it is not there. what caused it they don't
know, so I don't beat myself too much with that. after
talking to the developmental paediatrician about it, I
decided to place her for adoption which we had already
bonded and I cannot tell you the anguish I still feel but
will not allow myself to. I prayed that god would bring a
family specifically for Sarah Elizabeth and he did.
Sarah's prognosis is 90-100% chance of cerebral palsy,
eyesight distortion non-correctable, speech problems,
cognitive thinking problems. A family was found. She is a
nurse and he is studying to be a minister. they have a
little girl who has spina bifida and hydrosyphallus. so
they were really a god-send. then, as I mentioned before,
I meet this man who has a terminal disease. I don't know
why all this is happening, the man says I read too much
into things, but I don't about that. nothing happens by
coincidence. I do love this man and would spend the rest
of his time with him if he would let me but he doesn't
want me. it's really a shame because I am really wanting
a relationship that has some meat to it. I often wonder
why all these things keep happening to me. I must project
some sort of aura that attracts needy people. I want to
tell you that a course in miracles is wonderful, I have
several friends that are exploring it. I think I may need
to for my own self-development. I am sober but I am
spiritually hungry still. after MY last hospitalization,
I decided to get involved with this man and now I realize
that nothing is forever even though my parents have been
married for 50 years.....I just can't seem to get it
right.
From: Wheeler
Hi Dove, Thanks for the reply. Oh how I forget that we
all have our own special situations(but mine always
seemed to be different or more than others) but yes the
course has taught me that we are all in this together.
Sounds like you have been through the mill a few times
also. You have my support and prayers anytime you need
them. Just reply or pray. I truly will answer. Talk to
you soon again.
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