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 Alcoholism - Stacey
I am totally in love w/ my boyfriend of 6 months. It
is becoming clearer to me though that he has a drinking
problem. I haven't really confronted him yet and want to
do so in a gentle and caring way. We have also been
arguing more often lately and I think that the drinking
maybe linked to that. He's not a terribly open and
communicative person and I worry about damaging the
special relationship we have developed. On the other
hand, I want to be honest with myself about the realities
of "living" with an alcoholic. Any advice on
how to handle?
 From: Bernd
Al-anon saved my life. It's the best support program
for anyone trying to understand and cope with someone
else's drinking problem. Alcoholism is a disease, and
it's very easy to fall in a swamp where we think we're
helping the alcoholic, when in fact we're really making
our own life more unmanageable by trying to
"help".
Addiction is one of the sneakiest diseases I know of.
Not only does it warp the mind into continuing the
addiction, but it also warps the thinking of the addict
to make them believe they AREN'T addicted. And no amount
of persuasion on our parts can "correct" or
cure that. The only things that can break that spell,
from my experience, are the combination of enough pain
from the effects of the addiction, and grace (which
includes becoming aware of the healing power of support
groups such as AA).
Addicts are addicted to things such as alcohol, drugs,
gambling, etc. - and partners of addicts are usually
addicted to trying to "fix" the addict. It's
called codependency, and I'm a recovering codependent.
Al-anon helped me discover how to heal my co-addiction,
and gave me the understandi9ng I was looking for to be
more of TRUE help to addicts, and other codependents.
Start there. It's a great start. There are resources
online, and very likely Al-anon groups in or near the
town or city where you live. Take care. It's frustrating,
but there IS hope, and a light at the end of the tunnel.
From: Claudia
Stacey, I join Bernd in his suggestion for you to seek
out AlAnon. Alcoholism and alcohol abuse affects not only
the drinker but also those in his or her life. I am a
recovering alcoholic, sober for 8 1/2 years. I have many
many memories of words and actions that I used to justify
my need to continue to use alcohol to "help" me
live the life I had. Many of these memories were merely
manipulative tools to keep those around me at bay while I
continued to lose myself in the bottles. As Bernd has
said, Thank God there is help. The truth however is that
no one could have given me that help, I had to want it
for myself. I encourage you to call the number for
Alcoholics Anonymous in the yellow pages and get phone
numbers for Al Anon in your area/ You will be given much
loving support as you receive information that will allow
you to make healthy and healing decisions for yourself.
Please feel free to ask any questions that come to
mind about this deadly disease. I have been given much
that I am willing and happy to share.
From: Whitey
I'm an AlAnon member, my significant other is a
recovering alcoholic who has been sober for a short 6
months. We have been married for 7 years, together for 12
years and I cannot begin to tell you the pain and
heartache we have both inflicted upon each other because
of the alcohol. Confront him early in your relationship
and your understanding, love, respect will be that much
deeper towards each other. Go to a few Alanon meetings,
even if he is not willing to go to an AA meeting. It is
important to understand what happens to an alcoholic, to
get support from people who have been surrounded by
alcoholism in their family and are recovering. How I wish
I recognized my spouses problem as early as you are
recognizing yours. Perhaps I would not be in the crisis,
pain, anger, and frustration that I am in today.
Alcoholism is a cunning disease than is destructive not
only to ones health but to all the people around him/her.
It has destroyed relationships, marriages, families,
respect, trust, love. It affects everyone in the family.
Don't ignore what you see and think it will go away on
its own. Don't believe it when he says I can quit on my
own -- they can't, my recovering spouse is living proof.
Be strong, be courageous, pray a lot for guidance to a
Higher Power, and be gentle to yourself. Only you can
make the choice to stay or to go. Wherever you live,
there should be a local AlAnon phone number, make a call,
go to your first meeting. The program does work. If you
need to chat, leave me a message on the board. I'll check
frequently.
From: Prism
Dear Stacey, I have been married for 1 year to an
alcoholic. We dated for a year prior to our marriage and
he never displayed this side of him. I even asked him why
he never drank, "for religious reasons or was he an
alcoholic?". He said he wasn't an alcoholic and that
he just didn't have a desire to drink. Well, I was
deceived and lied to. All I wanted at the age of 45 was
to find someone special to grow old with...my best
friend. All I wanted was to have a "healthy"
person in my life to add balance and walk along side of
me. Someone who would nourish me and encourage me to
grow. I went to Alanon. I went to several different
meetings and they all told me the same thing, that if I
stay married I will have to settle for less and risk
being the caretaker over and over for the next 30-40
years or so. I will not allow myself to be dragged down.
I love my husband, but I love myself more and I want a
better quality of life. I want a man who will be a
healthy mate. I filed papers and had him served last week
based on Irreconcilable Differences and mental cruelty. I
hope to have the "Settlement Agreement" signed
within the next week or two. I just lost my job and he
won't even give me money for food...nice lawyer, eh? I
can't even move into my home that I moved out of in order
to move into a neighbouring state to be with him because
it is now rented. At my age I have to move in with my
mother in FL. I am devastated. He has displaced me twice
and I despise him for it. I will not let him make an
emotional prisoner out of me. I will not live a life like
those other Alanon women are living. It's early enough
for me to find my dream and if he's not out there then I
will embrace the sunshine and my peace of mind. Get out
while you can...you will then be free, too.
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