 Me - daisy
Lately I have been discovering a lot about myself in
terms of my behavior patterns (i.e. recognizing
codependency patterns, tendency to control and
manipulate, the reliance on my SO for happiness). In
looking at how my parents relate, I can see that I am
just like my mother--doing everything humanly (and
sometimes not-so-human) to please my father and dad doing
his own thing with little to no appreciation. He is
starting to realize the errors of his ways due to my
mom's passing eight months ago. I also understand that my
relationship with my father throughout my childhood sets
the stage for how I relate to men now and in the future.
So given this example I grew up with and my own
personality traits, am I doomed to have unsuccessful
relationships? I know that recognition is the first step
in the changing process. What do I do to curb
co-dependency and what exactly does it mean? How to learn
to love unconditionally and not expect things in return?
How can I be a better partner, more centered and more
self confident? How do I understand the role my
relationship with my father played and not let it
interfere with my current relationship?
I am not looking for magic answers here. I am
reassured by the fact that I have begun to learn more
about myself and can now move in a positive direction.
Thank you for having this site which has provided me with
tremendous guidance and insight.
 From: Bernd
You're not doomed to have unsuccessful or unrewarding
relationships. Codependency is a disease process, like
diabetes. The difference is that diabetes is a physical
disease, while codependency is a spiritual and emotional
one (it's NOT mental illness, btw).
Like any disease process, the first step is diagnosis
(which you've done), and then finding appropriate
treatment for it. Like diabetes, we are never
"cured", but the better we take care of
ourselves and the disease process, the healthier and
happier we become. I've seen many examples of
codependents who began their recovery with despair and
hopelessness, but hung in there and kept at recovery, and
suddenly found themselves in a relationship that was
healthier beyond their dreams, and more loving than they
ever expected. And most of those relationships have
continued to get stronger and more loving as time goes
by.
There are a lot of excellent codependency recovery
resources on the net, and in bookstores, as well as
support groups that help tremendously. I began my
recovery about 5 years ago, and the miracles keep
happening. I now consider my codependency a blessing, and
wouldn't WANT to part with it, because it keeps me
looking for answers about how love is really meant to
work.
I like the saying "seek and you shall find".
It's as simple as that, and the neat thing is that is
works. As hard as the journey is at times, I wouldn't
trade it for anything in the world now. I hope you
discover the same experience.
From: kim
Daisy, Good for you! Recognition is the hardest part.
I remember feeling like it was everyone against me. No
one appreciated all of the hard work I put into
EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. Once codependency was pointed
out to me, the pieces started to fall into place.
There is a great support group called codependents
anonymous. I go to weekly meetings myself and the support
and sharing that go one their are lifelines to sanity.
You slowly learn to unlearn patterns that are of no use
to you any longer. All the Melody Beattie books are
great. I read and reread them. Codependents Guide to the
12 Steps by her is a good one to always have on hand.
Another book that we use in my group is called The
Language of Letting Go. I don't have it with me at the
moment to tell you who publishes it, but you could
probably have your local bookstore inquire for you.
Places like this to come to are also good for getting
feedback in a safe way from people who are only here to
support you. No one here NEEDS anything from you. It will
be unconditional support, just as at any support group
you may decide to attend. Good luck on your recovery and
keep posting to let us know how you are proceeding.
P. S. Also you may want to check out Women Who Love
Too Much and Letters from Women Who Love Too Much. I also
read those two books over and over. :-)!
From: robert
Daisy, I too am a newly admitted codependent. I have
attended 4 coda meetings now. It's helpful to listen to
people from all walks of life and at all levels of
recovery as they share their experiences. Also, the
sharing of our own journeys can be an uplifting (and
draining and fulfilling) experience. I know how I got
here and I know where I want to go. Even though the road
will be long and painful, as long as I take it one step
at a time and walk with God, I can make the journey. Be
well and come back often. There are a bunch of great and
zany people here always willing to listen and hug.
From: mzet
Remember these are just guesses. I don't even know
your background (sometimes not even mine.....), but in
answering your questions I answer my own, so this helps
me, mostly.....
"Am I doomed to have unsuccessful
relationships?" Boy, I wonder if you are right,
because my two most serious relationships have been very
painful and almost a carbon copy. In a sense I think we
are naturally attracted to certain types of people more
than others, no matter how much we try not to. But once
you have made a commitment to another person, I think it
is best to do everything humanly and super-humanly
possible to work it out, just because we know that nobody
is perfect and that we are always going to find a better
person out there if we really look. I think the secret is
answered by our choice of commitment, not by how perfect
our partner is. Otherwise we would be jumping from
relationship to relationship, eventually finding out that
there is nobody who can meet all of our needs. In my own
experience, the recognition of that fact has opened up a
huge room full of opportunities to grow.
"What do I do to curb co-dependency and what
exactly does it mean?" I don't really know what
co-dependency is. I have never read a book on it. My SO
is not an alcoholic or drug addict, but she has had an
affair, which has been, in my opinion, an addiction. The
problem, as you have discovered, is that once we realize
our partners are not perfect, we suffer a tremendous
loss. It's as if we go through a grieving process. And
one of the risks during this time is that in loving our
partners, we become so attached to them that all of our
happiness is dependent on their reciprocating and giving
us stuff in return, particularly the change in them we
want so dearly. What I have found is that this situation
is almost impossible to sustain. My approach has been to
attempt to become as unattached as possible to my SO by
finding healthy ways to meet my most important needs that
my SO cannot or is not willing to meet, in order to
achieve a sense of peace and joy. Notice that I did not
say pleasure. The process will not numb the pain, but it
will transform it. And in that you will find peace and
joy.
"How to learn to love unconditionally and not
expect things in return?" That, of course, is THE
question. There are no easy answers and there may be many
paths. Here's mine: By becoming detached, it's not as if
you don't love your SO anymore. You do, and the paradox
is that you love him even more than you loved him before
because you are giving more than you are receiving, and
in loving in that way you receive more than you give.
Make sense? :)
The only way you can do that, again, this is just my
experience, is by connecting directly with that center of
stillness inside of you that is Infinite Love or God.
Then you DO have everything, and in a sense you don't
need anything from anybody, even your SO, to be complete
and fulfilled. In fact, the question of weather your love
is answered by your SO or not doesn't even come up. And
the miracle is that in doing that, somehow you open up
the possibility of getting back from your SO the same
kind of 100% free love you give. That is really heaven on
earth.
I don't want to sound as if I am there, but when I
read about others who are there or at least on their way,
I know that it is possible. *grin*
"How can I be a better partner, more centered and
more self confident?" I don' t know, but the answers
are there, inside of you , if you care to look. Depending
on where you are on your spiritual journey, different
books can help. I found Scott Peck's The Road Less
Travelled an excellent start. From there I branched out
into several mystic writers, starting with Thomas Merton.
I also found keeping a journal very helpful. I look back
and re-read it often to see where I have been and where I
am going. It's really a road, and you are never really
"there", even when you get "there".
"How do I understand the role my relationship
with that my father played and not let it interfere with
my current relationship?" Peck can help a little
there, but I'm not a therapist, psychiatrist or
psychologist. We are all influenced in various degrees by
our parents, but I guess the trick is not so much to not
let that interfere but more to overcome it and
incorporate it, partly by becoming aware of it, into the
future in as healthy a way as we can. But I have no idea
how you do it. Maybe nobody really knows or none of us
would be logging in into this forum. Somebody would have
invented a pill for it long ago... :)
From: Daisy
I want to thank you all for your suggestions toward
self-discovery. Having the opportunity to discuss these
issues in a confidential and open way is great. I have
nothing to hide from all of you--my lack of identity
provides me that freedom and visa versa. I don't have to
worry about hidden agendas in your thoughts and
suggestions. It is so hard to talk about these things
with my peers. Since stumbling on this site I have found
comfort and knowledge that I would not have found
otherwise. I look forward to continuing the learning
process and sharing with you my progress.
I have become a firm believer that things happen for a
reason. We are given only what we can handle at any given
point in our lives--no more no less. Not that we will
always succeed but it is only through failure and
suffering that we grow as people. WE cannot truly
appreciate happiness without suffering. Though we all
wish for simple lives with only tears of happiness. I
know that I have the ability to work things out and learn
more about myself and who I am. I also understand the
power of mood swings and self doubt. It is easy to sit
here at the computer and say all the right things and
understand myself. It's entirely different being in the
middle of a heated argument and being able to step out of
the behavior patterns. That is my greatest challenge.
Thanks so much for your support. I look forward to
discussions in the future!
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