 Lack of communication - Jane Doe
I just want to comment that your daily helping hints
are great. But I've noticed that they all encourage the
advice seeker to look within for solutions/remedies.
Unfortunately, there are times when it is out of our
hands and we need to recognize the other person role in
our lives. We cannot control the entire situation--our
SOs have their own free thinking minds. And while it's
great that I can make efforts to improve my self and my
communication skills--it takes two to tango. I cannot do
it alone. If my SO is unwilling to participate in this
activity I have 2 choices:
a) end the relationship
b) accept the fact that I am the sole worker on the
relationship and live with it.
Neither of these seem like great choices. What I am
wondering, is how do I address the subject with my SO and
encourage them to read some of your articles or any other
such publications (which they would think silly and
irrelevant). I want my relationship to work out. And I
can see that lack of communication is a major stumbling
block. I haven't reached the end of my rope yet. I can't
give up until I have tried everything. Please help!
 From: mzet
I guess you are answering some of your own questions:
"how do I address the subject with me SO and
encourage them to read some of your articles or any other
such publications (which they would think silly and
irrelevant)" Your SO may very well think that it is
silly and irrelevant!! It will be relevant to them ONLY
when they want to and only when they are doing it for
THEMSELVES.
You need to look for answers inside of you precisely
because you only control 50% of the equation. The rest is
completely out of your hands. You said it yourself:
" We cannot control the entire situation--our SOs
have their own free thinking minds" There is no way
to convince them to do what you want them to do because
any attempt to do that is control.
If you want to save your relationship you need to make
a choice by being open to the POSSIBILITY of saving the
relationship. Note that it is only an issue of
possibility and not an issue of actually controlling your
SO so that they change into what you want them to change.
This requires a change in YOU first, a big change: to
love without expecting anything in return. If you do
that, you will slowly and in an indirect way effect a
change in them by your example.But it is not you doing it
directly. It is kind of like option #2, but it is not
nearly as stoic, because you don't just "live with
it" you somehow are able to get more out of it than
you put in, even if your love is not reciprocated at the
level you want. This does not mean that you don't share
with your SO your hurt, your needs, but that you don't
live your life as if it depended solely in their change.
If you are not ready to do that, then, you opt for
option #1, which is OK too. Only you can answer how long
your rope is, but some of us have found that it is very
very long, perhaps a loop, once you learn to love
unconditionally. And it takes time to learn what that
means and the live by it.
Anyway, sorry I don't have the magic answer for you.
There is no easy way out, no shortcuts. And like Bernd
says, the long way turns out to be the shortest way
because all the shortcuts are dead ends. Keep looking,
you'll get there.
From: Bernd
Option #3: accept the truth that "everything that
my partner does or doesn't do is what I need most".
This is the truth that I've learned to live by, and it
works without exception (even though I constantly test
and doubt it at times). Lynda's affair was exactly what I
needed, because without it, I would have never begun the
recovery journey I'm now on. I'd still be stuck in the
swamp, trying to make quicksand grow flowers. I wouldn't
have discovered the depth of effects my depression has
had on all areas of my life, nor what I need to do to
turn it from a curse into a blessing. If Lynda hadn't
turned to a weekend case of beer to try and drown her
pain, I would have never learned the power of loving
detachment, and it's awesome power to enhance my peace of
mind as well as hers. If she hadn't struggled with me as
much as she did over sex, I would have never discovered
what I was missing in intimate expressions of love thru
non-sexual ways. If she hadn't resisted my attempts to
get her into therapy, I wouldn't have learned to focus on
MY recovery as much as I have - and it now takes every
bit of energy I have just to heal MY past pain, let alone
try and heal hers. Ironically, it's my example that keeps
giving her the support and help she needs most, and vice
versa. When I see her heal something, it gives me faith I
can tackle the same kinds of mountains inside me.
It's a big leap of faith, and it took me close to 5
years to make it myself. Then again, in hindsight, it's a
leap of faith I took by taking one small baby step at a
time. That's what the readings reflect - my little baby
steps. I didn't see the destination either when I first
began my own recovery. I was pretty well looking at
options #1 and #2 myself. But neither seemed win/win.
Option #3 keeps being win/win. I like the way that
works.:) Hope something here gives you food for thought.
Hang in there!
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