 Dealing with the affair - Hern
I have been married for 13 years. We had some
differences in the past but I thought it was nothing
serious. A month ago I received a anonymous phone call
that made me aware of the affair. I confronted my wife
but she negated the whole thing. Since that day I
pressure her too much that she finally told me of the
affair. But she also told me that she found out that she
was pregnant. I felt that every thing had died and that
there is nothing to do. Two days after, she came back and
indicated that She wants to work out. I want as well but
it seems that every time the idea of her being in
another's mans arms hurt me. I need to deal with the
problem of the child. I am not for abortion, but I am
scared of the legal issues that may come out. We are
going to a marriage counselor and my wife indicated that
every is fine but sex. She is now forcing herself to
perform and I do not feel happy. Do you see a future? Any
comments are welcome.
 From: Bernd
My guess is everything is NOT fine except for sex.
It's the tip of the iceberg, or the top (and visible)
layer of the onion, but affairs happen out of a
significant deterioration of a relationship, often with
each partner unaware of how much emptiness and distance
they are REALLY feeling. It's like having a broken leg,
but only being aware of pain in your toes.
You have a future IF you are willing to go thru the
very hard work of rebuilding. I'd recommend going thru
the affairs postings in the Comment Forum Archives, and
pay particular attention to mzet's journey so far. What
he is going thru parallels a LOT of what Lynda and I went
thru, and yes, we made it to something far better than we
ever had before, but doing so meant a kind of commitment
on my part that made all my past commitments pale in
comparison.
First things first. I'd strongly suggest you get some
individual counseling, because there is a lot of rage and
hurt that you need to get out in a safe place, without
worrying about how your wife will react to it. No matter
whether you decide to leave or stay at any time during
the coming days and months, you need time for yourself -
alone, and/or with trusted friends or people who will
help you validate your feelings, and help you sort thru
all the confusion inside.
You didn't mention if you had any children. If you do,
in my opinion it makes a difference in whether to split
or try to work out things, because no matter which
direction you take, you'll ALWAYS have some kind of
relationship with her, and your children will be affected
by the kind of relationship you have. That doesn't mean
stay for the sake of the children. It simply means that
the more both of you work out the issues that led to the
affair, and heal the pain both of you are feeling right
now, the more whole each of you will feel, and the safer
your children will feel. It's more difficult to work out
such issues apart. That, in my view, is the reality.
I went thru a 2 year period of what I call "near
insanity" following the discovery of Lynda's affair.
The only way I made it thru was dedicating myself to
finding every source of insight and support I could. I
got into individual therapy, joined a support group,
picked up every book I could find on relationships, wrote
constantly in a private journal, and committed myself to
learning HOW I got into this mess, so that I'd understand
my part in our struggles better. I wanted to have
healthier relationships in the future, whether my future
included Lynda as a partner or not.
Your wife's pregnancy understandably adds to your
turmoil. I'd like to ask you what your spiritual or
religious beliefs are? I've found that a sense of
connection with the spiritual (or subconscious) part of
ourselves makes a tremendous difference in our struggles
to get thru any crisis.
We will all be here for you, giving our compassion,
caring and support whenever you need it most. We are a
family here, all struggling to find our own way thru the
mazes of life and love. All of us have discovered large
and small miracles in doing so, and we are more than
happy to share them, and how we found them.
If you heard of a couple where the husband was a
workaholic, had chronic depression and was obsessed with
sex, 3 business failures (that he still owed $60,000
for), had 3 affairs, the wife had one affair, and was
struggling with past abuse, rape, and family alcoholism,
would you give this couple much chance of making it? That
describes us. Me and Lynda. And we HAVE made it - far
beyond what we ever dreamed we'd have. Hope our example
gives you the hope you're looking for. You deserve
happiness, and love. So does your wife.
We'll help you in any way to find it - everyone here.
Take care, and try to be easy on yourself over the coming
days and weeks. P.S. It was year #13 in our marriage too
that things crashed. What IS it about the number 13?????
From: Hern
Thanks for the response, Bern. It is really nice to
know that there is always some one to talk to. I
understand that now it is just the beginning. For the
past 13 years, we had been trying to have kids. The
medical reason for us not to have kids is still unknown.
The doctors did not find any problem. But, Just about
three months, a little girl was placed in my home. She
brought the happiness into the home, but at the same
time, the affair was discovered. During the time, my wife
discovered that she was pregnant and decided to tell me
of the affair. The fact of her telling me the affair was
not as painful as knowing that she is expecting a child
(not mine). This made me feel like I was dead. I felt
deprived of the most beautiful dream.
Currently were are going to a marriage counselor.
Things look OK. But, my wife closes any communication
when I try to find out what is that she feel for either
of the two (myself or the other man). I try to be
supportive with her pregnancy, but every time my mind
goes to the state of "that is not my child" the
idea kills me again. I am confused on how to deal with
it. Some times I think that by just looking at the child
will bring this whole issue back. The other aspect is
that I am not sure that my wife is staying with me for
love or just for the financial security I provide. My
life with her has been so unhappy. Up to a point that she
did not want to be touched nor seen naked. Now, she plays
dead when she is with me. This actions make me think that
I should let go. But, I do not know what is that I am
afraid of for not leaving. I do not know what is that
makes me stay. Maybe, I do not want to leave my adopted
child (by the way the adoption is still in the process,
the judge has to finalize it). I can sense the same for
my wife. She does not want to give her up. I want to work
it out, but I have not seen any thing on how to deal with
the child that is coming. I know that there is a law
"Assumed Paternity" that indicates that because
the child was conceived under my marriage, the child is
mine. But I also heard that the other man can latter come
and sue for paternity. I want to be prepared and I just
do not know where to start. How any one will deal with a
child that is not his? How can I think positively when my
negative mind starts to wonder? Thanks for listening.
From: mzet
" I felt that every thing had died and that there
is nothing to do". The discovery of an affair is one
of the most painful and unsettling experiences anyone can
have. My feelings ranged from complete rage to utter
desperation. I didn't eat, I vomited many times, I had
suicidal thoughts, I couldn't concentrate at work for
weeks, my blood pressure was 155/105. But that pain,
ironically, was the opportunity I needed to begin the
path of becoming a better human person. There is
SOMETHING to do now, and it is something for YOURSELF.
"She wants to work out." This is a very
important step on her part. She could have called it
quits but she did not. This is positive.
"I want as well but it seems that every time the
idea of her being in another's mans arms hurt me." I
also continue to have these thoughts. They are normal.
They are painful reminders that my wife's body is hers
and not mine, that she is free to make choices that can
hurt me and the marriage, that she can lie and deceive
me. Only by accepting her freedom as one of the ultimate
values was I able to begin to accept her choices, even
when they hurt.
"We are going to a marriage counselor"
Counseling is a very important first step if it is chosen
freely. Do go to counseling by yourself also. It helped
me tremendously. I was able to sort out many of my
extreme feelings. Write on a journal also. Seek support
(not help) from family and friends.
"and my wife indicated that every is fine but
sex. She is now forcing herself to perform and I do not
feel happy". I agree with Bernd: sex is only the tip
of the iceberg. As painful as this will sound, an affair
is a symptom of deep problems within the relationship.
These will need to be explored at an appropriate time in
the near future. Don't force sex. Use this time to try to
reflect on the meaning of sex for yourself, why you are
in such need of it and why it makes you so unhappy not
having it. I used to have sex practically every day until
the affair blew all of that up. I have not had sex in
eight months. It is possible to back off. And it does
clear up your mind and heart so you can better think and
hear your own heart.
I don't know where you are living, but I suggest you
consider talking with an attorney who can advise you of
the legal implications of her pregnancy. I believe that
there is one other guy on this forum who is dealing with
the very same question and who may have some answers
already.
Hang in there. This will be a very rough ride. I do
believe that if you use this time wisely, you will come
out a better person, regardless of what happens with your
marriage. I have found that opening up to the development
of my spiritual and religious side, which had been turned
off for a long time, has helped me cope and in a sense
embrace, day to day, with the suffering that this road
gives me. Perhaps this may be a time for you to open up
also. Take care.
From: Bernd
I echo what mzet said about seeing an attorney. Our
mind can go around in circles trying to figure out what
we can't figure out on our own.
Regarding the unborn child, here's how I look at
children. Each one bears a precious soul that comes from
somewhere, but not me. I may help create the
"body" that gives a place for that soul to
"live", but beyond that, the greatest gift I
can give a child is myself, and my caring. It doesn't
really matter who built the house you live in. What
matters is what you do to make that house a home, and
fill it with love. Being the biological father of someone
taps into our strong need to achieve some kind of
immortality...a part of us "lives" on in our
child. But this kind of immortality is an illusion. The
kind of father that REALLY lives on in his child is the
one who lives in their heart, not their genes. That's the
most "selfish" and best place to be.
This new child is a gift from God. He just didn't use
the "wrapping paper" you expected. Hope some of
these thoughts help.
From: mzet
My wife also went through a period when she was
ashamed of being seen nude by me. It blew me away
completely. She is slowly getting over it. But remember
that there are other levels of intimacy that you both
have to go through before you can even begin to think
about sex. It has only been recently that we are starting
to hold hands and hug, etc. It took us a looong time.
My guess is that before your wife opens up and talks
openly with you, she needs to deal with a host of other
issues that must bring turmoil inside of her. Don't force
her to open up. That only backfires, in my experience.
You do need to let go and that is soooo hard to do.
Letting go does not mean leaving the house or getting a
divorce, it means achieving a detachment from needing her
to fulfill your need for sex or affection. It also does
not mean not having those needs. It just means
recognizing that your wife is not ready to meet them and
to find healthy ways of having them met in other ways.
You also need to give her space and that is soooo hard to
do. Physical and emotional space. It took my wife eight
months after the affair was discovered to really give the
marriage a try. Your wife is probably still struggling
with not knowing which way to go (you or her lover). She
is confused. No amount of pressure from my side was
effective to make her make up her mind. Remember that you
are not in control of the situation anymore. You are only
in partial control of yourself. That's about it.
I am not sure why I am staying. I am not sure if I do
it out of strength or weakness. I am even less sure why
my wife has decided to give our marriage another try.
These are all mysteries. The more we think about them,
the more perplexed we become. I share Bernd's notion that
God gives us what we need, not what we want. Use this
time to heal yourself, to become centered, to reach
peace. That more than anything else will help your wife.
Talk to an attorney!!!
From: Hern
Thanks Bernd and Mzet. I like the openness that you
bring to this area. These are the kind of words that I
needed to hear. Yes, I will consult with a lawyer and
weight the options. My position in the pregnancy issue is
that I am against abortions. I do not see that as a
solution and thanks for the words on fatherhood. Bernd,
you just armed my arsenal with a profound weapon. You are
right. The father is the one who shapes the son. You made
me see the world from a different perspective.
I also agree that the child is a gift of God and that
something good may come out of this suffering. I am
afraid because I do not the outcome, but at the same time
I have hope. I think that I have found the
"FRIENDS" I needed for so long (one month). I
had been searching all that time.
The other issue that I am dealing right now is to bury
the "MACHO" mentality of my social upbringing.
I am a Spanish man with deep romantic roots, and coming
from a place where women are at second. There is
something inside me that is prompting me to take action.
This guy knew that she was married and decided to
continue. I do not know If I did the right thing, but I
confronted the bastard and I do not know what kept me
from killing him. I am a very passive man, but when
something clicks, I loose control and I am capable of
doing the most drastic thing. I want to control the
temptation of harming him and so far I have done it. I do
not know what will happen if I see him. If that is the
case, what will you do?
From: Cuckold
Hern, I feel for you. My ex was also with child of
someone else, but she did something... We have three
children 9, 6, and 3. Her affair started around out 10th
year of marriage. I not very quickly found that asking
her why why why why got no answer and just distance
between us.
I found writing, a therapist, a support group, and a
friend who listen to be for hours and hours helped. I am
still searching for all the answers she couldn't or
wouldn't give me. I would say her staying and trying is a
positive step. I would say anything you can do to heal
yourself can only help.
I found trying to remind myself to let go (really
forgiving) one thing she did to me at a time helped me to
think of her as a human with flaws... rather than a beast
when I was first told of what she had been doing all
those crazy nights. Hang in there and it will workout.
From: mzet
The first thing you have to realize is that this whole
mess is not about the lover. In my opinion he is
immaterial. He had an opportunity and made a choice, but
he wouldn't have done anything if your wife wouldn't have
given him the opportunity. So this is really about you
and your wife and your marriage. Get the guy out of your
mind.
Besides, confronting the guy will not work!! It will
not bring your wife back and it just gives your wife one
more reason to convince herself what an asshole you are
after all....Leave the guy alone and learn to forgive him
too, just like you will have to forgive your wife if you
want the marriage to work.
Ask yourself what you would have done if you would
have been in his shoes. I have done that in my own case
and have concluded that I would have probably done the
same thing.... I have seen my wife's lover on several
occasions and somehow I have been lucky enough that I
have never experienced any type of jealousy. In fact, I
have told him, to his amazement, that I hold nothing
against him. It is a big weight off my back. All of my
negative feelings are toward my wife, not her lover(s).
On top of that, you got the practical aspect of
dealing with the law if you should harm him. Don't even
think about it!!! Ask God to give you the strength to
forgive him.
The macho man mentality is a big anchor that keeps you
from listening to your inner voice and keeps you from
progressing. You need to overcome that if you want the
marriage to work out. Remember her body is not your body.
It is hers. And don't blow up in front of your wife,
regardless of what she says. Again, that only convinces
her she's better off without you.
Finally, it's not that some good MAY come out of this
suffering, but that ALL good comes only through
suffering. And you are not supposed to know what the
outcome will be. That's part of the way of Calvary. We
just don't know what's ahead. Sometimes God takes us to
the brink and we just don't know why. Look at Abraham.
Years without any children and finally, in old age, his
wife has a son and then God asks him to sacrifice the
child!!! Crazy. Use this time to try to figure out what
God is whispering to you. Use this time to deal with
yourself rather than your wife or her lover. Calm down
and take care of yourself.
From: Bernd
There's a quote - "forgive your enemies, nothing
annoys them so much". Also, the best revenge is
living well. When I look at the "macho men" I
admire, I think of Clint Eastwood, Sean Connery, and
Harrison Ford. All men remind me to pick my fights for
the really worthwhile ones (when someone is trying to
victimize or hurt others). All these men have a quiet
strength to them, and a love of life and the most
important things in life that they aren't willing to let
others distract them from. I let out most of my rage and
anger at Lynda's boyfriend in anger sessions in the
privacy of my car, beating up on the seats. Funny, the
last anger session I had, I remember finding myself
laughing uncontrollably. Something registered inside.
Here was a man who - with all the women available in the
world - picked a woman who had to be unfaithful in order
to "love" him. It reminded me of someone
picking up a load of quicksand to build a house
foundation. What really could I do to him, that he wasn't
doing to himself already?
That helped a lot in letting go. Be easy on yourself
in the forgiveness process. For me, the process begins
with a desire to forgive, but I can't truly let go until
I've honestly released all the anger I feel over someone
else's choices. I haven't let go of all my anger toward
him, but it's waaaaay down. It keeps dissipating more as
I pursue my recovery and overall healing. I guess now I
use that anger more as barometer, than anything else.
Each time I find myself letting go a little more, it's a
nice reminder that some healing has taken place. It's a
selfish choice on my part. I only have so many precious
seconds here on this earth. I would rather use them to
find more love and happiness, than to lose some to the
swamp of resentment. Swamp time robs me more than anyone
else.
One final note: as much as having him as the father of
the child may have been distressing to you, it's very
likely that your distress is going to pale in comparison
to your wife's. If you two manage to rebuild your
relationship, my guess is that at some point she's going
to have waves and waves of guilt and pain that she
"could have done this". Right now, your
distress has distracted her from being able to feel that.
You may find that, as you accept this unborn child more
and more, that your newfound inner peace will trigger
more of those waves in your wife. She may not tell you
about her turmoil, and it may show up in other ways
(withdrawal, anger, depression, etc.). Be aware that - as
you two work thru things - that she is going to have
deluges of pain hit her from her very soul that she is
going to try desperately to race away from. As this
happens, she is going to lash out at the person closest
to her - you. The more healing you do of your own inner
pain and past, the more "centered" you'll be
able to be, and more able to recognize that when she
lashes out at you, she is really lashing out at herself.
I just wanted to point that out.
I'm glad we are helping you. You, in your courage to
reach out, are helping us just as much.
From: Hern
Thank you guys. Reading and meditating over the
weekend has been a plus. I find that just by talking to
some one that understands the pain, anger and frustration
and then listening the comments of support is something
that has no price.
The ideas of how to deal with the other has been
excellent. I now understand that if I want the marriage
to work, I have to heal myself first without neglecting
my wife. Some times I think that I can not handle the
situation any more, and others, I feel that I have the
strength. How do you guys deal when your mind wonders
into the unfaithful area. What is that you do to
re-direct your mind and evade the painful thoughts?
I took the advise of going to a lawyer (actually 2)
and they both indicated that there is something that is
called "assumptive paternity". Something that
makes us just the financial providers. In other words,
since the child was conceived during the marriage, the
father becomes the husband. The lawyer told me to look
the other way. Even if I want to divorce, I could not do
it since I have admitted to the affair. Interesting
laws!!
I will take the advice of dealing with my rage against
the other person. It added a new dimension to my anger
management.
This weekend was good. I got to play in church and it
felt good. People came to say hello and when they saw my
wife with the adopted child they were happy and when my
wife indicated she was expecting, they got so happy and
the started to congratulate me. Initially it hurt me, but
thinking on the things I read on Friday, specially the
advice of who is best father, changed my mood. I was
surprised of the feeling I got. It was peace. Thanks for
listening.
From: mzet
I'm not sure that the way to deal with the pain is to
evade it. You actually have to go THROUGH it, not around
it. If you repress it, it will come back to bite you. You
need to develop your own ways of dealing with it. But
don't shy away from the pain.
What I did, and remember that this was my way of
dealing with it, and continue to do (it is much easier
now, by the way) is to actually embrace the pain as an
offering and my gift to God. I asked God to give me the
strength to take on the suffering as my sacrifice to Him.
In Christian terms, I wanted to share in Christ's
sacrifice by helping him carry his cross in my own way.
As a Catholic, that participation is also symbolized in
the Eucharist by the drops of water that are poured into
the wine. The Eucharist becomes not just Jesus' sacrifice
but also our own. Again, remember that I am not saying
you should follow this path. I'm just sharing MY WAY.
Coupled with the above was sincere attitude of
embracing God's will and completely letting go of all of
my rational and human attempts to try to fix my wife or
the marriage. This is extremely hard to do. It is a daily
effort. I fall all the time. And it is close to
impossible to do by yourself. God does it for you if you
open up completely. Again, this is just my own way. I am
not saying this should be yours.
Finally, what I have found is that I end up loving my
wife not with my human love, but with God's love within
me. In other words, It is not me loving her but God in me
and through me loving her. I know it sounds crazy, but
that's how I feel it works for me.
Since that has happened, I am completely at ease with
whatever the outcome may be: divorce, marriage, etc. It
really doesn't matter because my focus has changed from
my efforts and my will to God's. And I have been able to
reach a level of internal peace that I wouldn't have had,
even if the affair wouldn't have happened.
Let me give you one last insight from my personal
experience: I needed tons of humility to take on this
path. I was an atheist before this whole mess. I was
proud of it. I was proud of having what I thought was a
perfect marriage and a perfect life. But the humiliation
of my wife's affairs was what I needed in order to get
the level of humility that I have now. I had to say:
"I am powerless; it's in your hands now God",
and as you can imagine, that is kind of hard to say if
you are an atheist! And it has been that humility, I am
convinced, that has allowed me to get to where I am now.
I am also not saying I am perfect, but I do feel I am
following the right road now because I feel a million
times better than I felt immediately following the
discovery of the affairs and because I feel peace. Hope
this helps. Take care.
From: Hern
Thanks. I am now growing to a new phase. Suddenly
something struck me. I had the need to let go of the
anger within me. Something good happened today. My wife
called my office to let me know that she was thinking
about me and that she loves me. I made me happy and
hopeful. Before, I would have thought that it may be a
lie, but repeating what she had said many times in my
mind, I feel she is for real. Thanks for opening my eyes
to see a little more further than my nose. Your words are
very well appreciated. It helps to know that I am not
alone.
I see that you are well ahead of me in the healing
process. Some day, I hope that my experiences may help
some one to lessen the impact of affairs.
From: Bernd
They will help others. Often without you realizing it,
or knowing about it. God will be very aware of all of it
tho. Count on that.:)
From: Robert
Mzet, What a beautiful witnessing to the love that God
give us. I am still sobbing with the joy that your words
have given me. Thank you.
From: Bernd
Mzet.... Did you ever in your wildest dreams think
that you'd be so much help and comfort to someone else so
soon into your recovery?? In the words of Lynda's and
mine own inner voices.."you ain't seen nothing
yet":)
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