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 I want him to be happy - Unsure
I am 22 years old, have a daughter, and my 24 yr. old
boyfriend/daughter's father is in the military. We got
off to a shaky start because I became pregnant only a
month after we met. We have been together for over two
years now and things aren't getting much better. I have
told him the problems I am having with him, too
overbearing, no career in mind, not spending enough time
with his daughter, and his constant thinking that men
should bring in the money in the house, not the woman. He
never understands and time after time I find myself
constantly having to remind him that he has a daughter
here at home who loves him dearly. I fell in love with
him from the day we met and still am but why is it that
anything I say passes right in one ear and out the other?
Why cant he just sit down and talk with me? He has such
problems talking in person and is always writing me
letters cause he cant say it in person. I don't
understand. He seems so happy in the military, yet I am
so sad and lonely while I have to sit here and wait each
time he comes to visit. I do have desires, I am after all
only human. He thinks everything is going fine between us
and I just cant get it through that thick scull of his
it's not. Is there anyone out there who understands? I
want to go out and do things together, chat while sipping
coffee, go to lunch together, or even just have a simple
night alone, away from his friends and family. Am I so
wrong in wanting this? One of the biggest things that
makes me happy is to see him happy and at peace with
himself. I have come to realize that although I love him
dearly I cannot sit around feeling all lonely inside
while he is out trying to find himself. I have told this
to him over and over and nothing ever changes. I know he
loves me as much as I do of him so why cant things get
any better? I just don't understand it all and am afraid
this is going to end if things don't change but it would
break my heart into two pieces if it did. Anyone
understand or have any words to say to me, please reply.
Thank you!
 From: Bernd
Reading your posting, there are 2 lines that strike a
real echo with something Lynda and I struggled with for a
long time: "I have come to realize that although I
love him dearly I cannot sit around feeling all lonely
inside while he is out trying to find himself. I have
told this to him over and over and nothing ever
changes."
I believe this gets to the heart of the struggle
you're in, and also sheds some light on why it seems (and
is) unwinnable. First, some background.
Lynda grew up in a military family, and there are
certain struggles that seem to come as part and parcel of
military life. Here's a few: alcohol plays a big part of
military life, and even when alcohol isn't a problem in
the home, it has many hidden effects on the social life
of a couple, and how well they fit in. Second, the spouse
that's IN the military has a built- in family in their
fellow officers. It's a lot easier to make friendships,
and find things to do with others off-hours, when you're
in an environment that encourages socializing and bonds
with your fellow military personnel. The spouse at home,
however - usually the woman - doesn't have this built-in
support system. Unless she goes out and actively seeks
friends and socialization, the main way she gets her
emotional needs met - or partially met - is through her
spouse, who is ill-equipped to switch between his
military role, and his role as a lover. Third: the
military drills into its members a value system that is
black and white, often harsh, and authoritarian. When a
man is trained to be a killer, or part of a killing
machine, it's hard to switch that part of him off and hit
the "gentle, sensitive" switch.
I don't say this to excuse him. But blame (blaming
either of you) serves no purpose in finding solutions.
Trying to get a clearer picture of what's contributing to
the struggles does help however.
Your mention of your loneliness is very common among
military wives. As much as you want him to help you with
this, he is only capable of helping you with part of it.
From my experience, the true solution can only come from
inside you. You have the options of: cautiously reaching
out to try to develop new friendships, and/or interests;
reaching out to counseling services that might be
available on base; volunteering in an organization that
has a cause you identify with; getting a part-time job,
even if you aren't any further ahead financially after
paying for a sitter (it will get you OUT of the house a
bit, which is very healthy).
My guess is that your husband really doesn't know what
the hell to do to solve your loneliness, his own
struggles (which I suspect he hides very well), and
measure up to the expectations of his commanding
officers. In my case, it didn't seem to matter what I did
- sooner or later, I'd screw up SOMETHING in all the
balls I was trying to juggle (marriage, kids, work, me)
and everything would come crashing down again, and I'd
feel like the worst of failures - again. I suspect too,
that you are struggling with very similar things - trying
to be a good mother, wife, and taking care of yourself -
and no matter how hard you try, it keeps falling to
pieces.
When things get bad, remind yourself that, the more
you depend on any one person (even your husband) to take
care of your needs, the more likely you'll find yourself
disappointed, frustrated, and lonely. YOU are the one who
has the most power to make your life better. If you can
begin exploring how to take advantage of that power, and
use it to unlock the cage you feel yourself in, you'll
find that your relationship and your life will improve in
ways you never dreamed it could. I hope you find the path
we found. It's very worth it.
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