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 Sex after having a baby - joy
My daughter (first child) is 7 months old. I only
breastfed for 3 months and now I feel like I have no
excuse for not getting turned on when my husband and I
are intimate. We are both so frustrated--he doesn't want
to pressure me, but I know he is suffering sexually, so I
feel guilty. This is becoming a HUGE issue. Should we
seek counseling?
 From: Bernd
If you aren’t getting turned on, respect those
feelings; listen to them. We don’t need
“excuses” for our feelings; they just are, and
when I really listen to mine, I usually discover
something important about myself. If I don’t
understand why I’m feeling a certain way - including
“not turned on” when logically it seems I
should, it’s very easy for me to feel guilty, and
get into the “should” mode. But this usually
just makes things worse in the long run, because I can
only bury my true feelings for so long, and they always
seem to come leaking out again when I least want them to.
Birth, and a first child, bring a whole bunch of
changes to a relationship. And I don’t have to tell
you, they really put your body thru the wringer at times.
My guess is that part of you wants intimacy and sexual
closeness, but another part is slamming the door shut on
those feelings for very good - and healthy - reasons. You
may be coping with some post-natal depression (yes, even
after 7 months); you may feel your physical and emotional
resources stretched to the limit, and subconsciously your
husband’s neediness is adding weight that you really
can’t handle right now. The fact that there’s
another person now (the baby) means you aren’t as
able as you were before to “take care” of your
husband’s emotional needs; even though we all love
babies, inside we feel the loss of having all of our
wife’s attention in the relationship focused on us.
That can lead to all sorts of hidden resentments and
power struggles in a relationship, and those struggles
usually show themselves in the bedroom.
Lynda and I have both been thru periods where we
struggled with sex - and still do periodically. It’s
been really important to me to allow myself to feel my
walls when I feel them, and not feel guilty or ashamed. I
try to give that respect to her as well, and doing so has
continued to pay big dividends for us.
What we’ve discovered is that intercourse and
oral sex is really only a small part of the sexual pie,
and our bodies and souls want ALL the pie, not just a
small slice. It’s weird that our bodies would block
us from having a slice of the pie, in order to lead us to
the rest, but that’s the way it’s been
happening. What’s the rest of the pie like? Some
parts of it seemed scary at first, but turned out to be
magical, and other parts are soooo soothing and nice.
Some examples are fully clothed sex, like teenagers doing
heavy petting; non-intercourse body massages; tickling
(honest! - play and laughter can be very sensual); story
telling, where I describe a fantasy for Lynda while I
hold her; kissing and lightly touching/teasing her all
over her body, just going for those yummy feelings.
The biggest wall, I found, is fear. Fear that we
won’t satisfy or be good enough for our partner,
fear that our inner struggles or turmoil at the moment
will screw up the sexual intimacy; fear over something
that we just can’t seem to put our finger on, which
scares us even more; fear triggered from past bad sexual
experiences (such as abuse, shame, rape, etc.) that we
haven’t yet healed.
To me, true intimacy is impossible when such fear
isn’t respected by either or both partners. We
don’t achieve intimacy by sending our partner the
unspoken message “I only want to be close to and
deal with the parts of you I like”. Intimacy happens
when we accept ALL parts of our partner with grace,
especially those parts that may be confusing or wrapped
up in turmoil. And sex with love is a VERY intimate
experience. Without such acceptance of our partner as a
whole being, sex can very easily slide into a
togetherness where one partner feels used, and the other
unloved. We’ve been in THAT place - the used and
unloved struggle - for many many years.
The only way I’ve found through our struggle was
when it finally started dawning on me that freedom was
very lacking in our sexual relationship - in fact thru
our WHOLE relationship. I began finding better ways to
take care of emotional needs I was using sex to cover,
and became committed to learning how to give Lynda more
freedom to say no. Eventually, I was able to comfortably
be ok with her not wanting sex, for however long a
period. Whatever was best for her was best for me. For a
long while she was pretty suspicious of my change in
attitude, but that for sure was understandable. One of
the things I did during the transition phase was sleeping
on the couch regularly - not to avoid rejection, or make
it easier for her, but to stop putting myself in the trap
of “wanting/needing/resenting” I had been so
used to. I needed a break from that roller coaster
I’d been used to setting up, to give healing a
chance to take hold inside. As much as she hated the
pressure before, she hated that stage even more in many
ways.
I didn’t go thru that process
“logically”. It was very much a faith thing,
just that little inner voice that seemed so tenuous at
times. But boy, if I would have seen what was ahead, I
would have done it a helluva lot earlier!:)
The freedom was something Lynda had never been given
by anyone, so the longer I practiced it, the more she
began to realize it wasn’t a ploy, or game, but
something I genuinely wanted to do - for me, and for her.
It has helped a whole bunch in supporting her healing
process, and in that process, she finally discovered sex
without shame. We keep discovering more and more of that
as time goes by. And the difference now is night and day.
Sex is playful, fun, exhilarating, spiritual, magical -
and we dive into that pool like kids on a hot day many
many times. And we’re ALWAYS discovering something
new! It’s a BIGGGGGGG playground, and we wanna
explore every sandbox! As long as we keep listening and
respecting the guidance we get from our feelings and
inner voice, it also remains very very safe and loving.
It’s also ironic how we visit the other’s
“old territory”. I’ve been dealing with a
hidden sexual wall inside that has some old childhood
shame issues that I’m having a hard time getting a
handle on, so there are periods now where Lynda feels
like I used to (frustrated) and where I feel like she
used to (used). But the great thing now is that we know
we’ve walked a bit in each other’s moccasins in
those struggles. It’s really ironic at times how the
healing path unfolds.
Anyhow, this is a lot longer than I intended, but I
guess - yes - search out for some insight on what’s
really underneath your emotional wall right now. Use
every resource you feel will help, including therapy,
books on sexuality and relationships, good friends, and
anything else useful you find. Don’t settle for
staying in the struggle. Our sexuality is a very magical
part of us, and the more of it we shut off - or allow to
stay shut off - the less alive we really are. Your search
may lead you to some painful insights, but those insights
can also lead you to a new level of intimacy, safety, and
magic in your relationship. It’s worth it.
From: midwife and mum!
Dear Joy; I really know what you are going through. I
am the mother of four kids aged from 17 years to 9 moths
and I am a midwife too. Your problem is really common. I
too felt like you after the birth of my third child. I
breastfed him for 18 moths and I always kept coming up
with excuses why I did not want to have sex. I was always
too exhausted after looking after 3 under 5's! and having
sex at was just one more chore. I don't think the sex was
particularly exciting for me but my then, husband was
feeling very upset about it and then after we split up 4
years later I learned that he had an affair that he
blamed on me because my lack of interest in sex!! Well I
think that with hindsight now I was just too busy and
tired but perhaps he should have helped a lot more with
the baby and the kids and then I might not have been so
tired.
Does your husband do his share of the house work and
child caring? Even if he works full time and you don't
have a job outside the house you still need a break.
Looking after kids is a 24 hour job and not very sexy!
Did you have a tear or episiotomy which might still be
painful? If so you need to see your doctor for help. Are
you frightened of getting pregnant again? Perhaps after a
difficult birth? For me that was an issue after a
difficult labour that ended in a caesarian section. Your
hormones might still be a little be out of balance. It
will take time to get your body back to normal. Seven
months is not a long time. Can someone look after you
little one for you whilst you and your husband rekindle
some romance through perhaps going out for a nice meal or
spend some time together. It is easy to lose track of
what you were like as a childless couple and you can gain
so much from a little time spent of your own. Put the
emphasis on cuddling and lots of affection and be honest
about what turns you on and about any fears you might
have.
You say that he doesn't want to pressure you but you
know that men are very good at doing just that in a
subtle way. I am now living with a wonderful man and we
have a baby. This time even though I am still
breastfeeding my sex drive is intact and luckily the
older children can babysit which is a god send. I get
plenty of help and that makes a difference. Also I feel
no pressure from him which is good because the baby
sleeps with us and it is very difficult to have any
privacy in the bedroom. Alas we have discovered the car
is quite good. Wherever you do don't forget to
communicate. I think that is the main thing but I also
know how difficult it is to get men to "open
up"! Another thing.... If there are no reasons such
as tiredness or medical then it is possible that you have
just got out of the habit of "doing it" and
research shows that if you can make an effort you might
get back into it! GOOD LUCK!! If you have any queries
I'll try and answer you.
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