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 Confusion w/compliments -
Steve02
When I compliment my g/f - she doesn't believe me. She
doesn't believe anybody even for a friendly compliment. I
tell her that I love her very much on the inside, but
also on the outside. I tell her beautiful things about
her body (esp. her legs since she's ashamed about them so
much), hair, eyes, looks - everything from head to toe (
I've even painted her toe nails once :-) ). Anyhow, she
doesn't believe me. Where have I gone wrong here? I've
tried many, many, many times to boost her
self-confidence, but her level never rises. I know she
looks down upon herself and for what reason I might never
know. I want to make her smile and feel beautiful..to
soak up my compliments w/love..not just hear me. Have I
gone wrong here? Any advise out there?
 From: Bernd
Just a few quick questions. Can you tell me a bit more
about the kinds of compliments you give her, and some
examples? Also, when she puts herself down, do you find
yourself trying to convince her that her view about
herself isn't accurate? How would you feel about saying
something like "why do you think you're
......(ugly/fat/whatever her self-putdown is)"? If
you have asked her those kinds of questions, do you find
yourself trying to figure out ways of changing her low
opinion about herself, while you listen to her as she
gives her reasons?
This struggle is a lot more common than we might
realize. Lynda has had a lot of practice at putting
herself down as far as her looks. My putdowns focused
more on my income failures, and the screwups I did in
being a husband and a dad. We are all our own worst
judges. Look forward to hearing what others have to say
too.
From: Claudia
Hi Steve, It certainly is confusing to know a person
that has alot going for themselves yet lives in a world
of self doubt and self loathing. I had the type of
relationship WITH MYSELF for a long time. People that
knew me would tell me things like "I wish I were
more like you", "You are so beautiful, "I
admire you"... the list goes on. In my head,
whenever I heard these kinds of affirmations I would
think, "Yeah, but if you only knew me..."
The messages that caused me to reject ant statements
that spoke of my inner beauty developed over many years
of watching people that I loved tell me one thing but do
another. I learned at a young age that I couldn't believe
others, the problem is that as a child I internalized
those messages to the belief that there must be something
wrong with me. Somehow it was me that caused others to
act, speak, think, do, whatever they did. I lost faith in
my own truth and replaced it with the lies of dysfunction
and "sin."
The trip back from separation from myself has been
long and at times overwhelming. I was truly horrified
when I began to listen to the self talk and self loathing
that occurred in my own mind. There was no room at all
for the beauty seen by another because I was too busy
rejecting anything that would allow me to love myself. I
had accepted the lie that I was unlovable and somehow
defective. I share this because I wonder if your g/f
might also battle truth in her own head. If this is true
your words of encouragement and sincerity will fall on
walls of learned protection. The sad part is that the
walls are see through and we remain trapped in a place
where we can see something in others that we desire for
ourselves but remain closed off from because of our own
fears of rejection or pain. The tool that breaks through
the glass is love. Love that is patient. That type of
love is offered through other people.
Listen to your own inner messages Steve. The more
gentle and accepting you are of your own inner person,
the more love you will have to share with yourself and
your g/f. I pray that in these words something has been
what you needed to hear. You and she are not alone my
friend.
From: Susan
Hi Steve02, This question may tie in with our
conversation about buying and giving gifts. Likely, if
she is unable to accept compliments, she finds your gift
giving also uncomfortable.
In my opinion, most of the problem people have with
gifts and compliments, is as Bernd and Claudia say, an
underlying feeling of unworthiness and poor self image.
But also, especially in the case of women, it can be
partially societal. As children we are taught that when
told we are "cute" or "darling" we
should blush and giggle, and look at the ground and scuff
our toes, all in the name of "modesty". For
women it is called "flattery" and we are taught
that that is a bad, dangerous thing !!! My stepdaughters
at age 5-6 seemed to be already learning that behavior.
Before that if anyone told them they were cute, they
would look right at the person and say "I
know", giggle and skip off to play. Somewhere,
somehow they picked up the "rule" that it was
immodest, or arrogant to accept a compliment without this
ridiculous display of "embarrassment".
Generally, in this society, men are not
"required" to act with "modesty". If
you tell a young boy he is strong or handsome, he will
most often flash you a smile and show you his
"muscles" - none of that "aw, gee, gosh -
no I'm not" crap that girls are taught. If you don't
believe me, get a GIRL about 8 or 9 to say "thanks,
I know" next time someone compliments her - and
watch THE OTHER PERSON'S reaction..... their eyebrows
will try to climb off the top of their head !!!! And a
faint look of surprise will cross their face - surprise
and maybe a little confusion. Do it - it is remarkable!!!
Boys are "allowed" to be self-confident and a
little arrogant, actually encouraged to be !!
Now couple that "lesson" with someone who
for what ever reason, has low self-esteem and you have a
person who literally cannot "take a compliment"
without really strong negative emotions. Verbal
compliments and gifts fall into the same category here.
One of the hardest things I ever set myself a task to
do, was to overcome the "programming" in that
respect. AND I still find myself very uncomfortable with
compliments - whether deserved or not. It is ALL I can do
to just look at the person, say a simple 'Thank You' and
go on to the rest of the conversation. Now mind you, that
is only personal compliments, if someone admires my kids,
or my car, or my house or any other 'object', I do not
have the same problem!!! Gift giving other than
recognized occasions, i.e. birthday, Christmas, etc.,
still puts me in a "tizzy" of self-doubt and
that silly "modesty" act.
I can remember as a child - about 9 or 10 - actually
getting so upset with people complimenting me, that I
would burst into tears and run away to hide !!!!! Oh yes
!! I had already developed a bad self-image, and low
self-esteem by that age, but I remember it as being
something SOOOO confusing that I had to hide from it. One
the one hand, I NEEDED the compliment to bolster my
self-esteem; but by societies "rules" I was not
allowed to accept it, or believe it !!!!!!
Steve, there is no amount of compliments or gifts that
you can give that will "make" someone feel any
differently. That feeling of worthiness and acceptance
comes from inside, if it ever comes at all. You need not
think that you are doing anything wrong, because if you
are sincere, you are doing the very RIGHT thing. Just
remember that she is listening, deep down inside - she is
listening. Only your continued love and patience will
give her the courage to face and to overcome her negative
emotions and programming.
I finally came to a point of maturity (?), that I
could feel the "illogic" of all of it - that
and raising kids. I told myself that 'not everyone is
trying to flatter me, or "butter me up" for
something' and ' not everyone can be wrong about my
looks/intelligence/compassion, etc.'. That caused me to
look into myself and ask "so WHAT am I missing here
that everyone else can see ???" It was a long, HARD
road to self-discovery and self-validation. And it surely
did NOT happen overnight!!!
Stick with it, Steve... she needs your input to make
the same kind of questions occur to her. Then her
internal searching will lead her to a healthier
self-image, and help her overcome some of her feelings of
unworthiness. Good luck, buddy !!!
From: Bernd
Glad that you've been getting some feedback from
women, and had a chance to chat with them. One thing that
just came to mind: I use words like "beautiful,
pretty, etc." a lot less now, because those are
judgement calls (they all have opposites, such as ugly,
dumpy, etc.). I find what feels better - for both me and
Lynda - is describing the feelings I get looking at her,
or being with her. The timeless things, that don't need
judgement or value calls. I love the way her butt wiggles
when she dances; I love how her smile lights me up
inside, I love the way her eyes open up something inside
of me. I love looking at her face, and looking at and/or
touching any part of her body. I love counting her
freckles.
If she doesn't like a part of her, I respect that, and
don't try to convince her otherwise. That's a struggle
that she has to work out, and I know it's only by
allowing her to have that struggle that she'll find the
truths she needs to. I think beauty is equated with
acceptance, and that it's the feeling of being loved and
cherished that we long for most. We've been taught that
beauty is the ticket. It's not true, but it's a hard
"lesson" to unlearn.
When I tell her what her eyes and her body do to me
inside, it's because it gives ME a glow saying it. When
I'm "selfish" that way, I think the sincerity
hits home more than anything else I could do or say. And
I'm on a constant treasure hunt, looking to discover new
glows that looking at her and being with her give me.
It's selfish. I compare it to someone looking out at a
field, and "awwing" only over the rose bush in
the middle. I don't want to be that restricted. I want to
feel the "awwws" in everything I see, because
why would I settle for just a few "awws", when
I can have an unlimited supply? Those are my thoughts.
From: della
This is so true. I think about the times my SO
compliments me and most times I will either ignore him or
get by it as fast as I can or just outright deny any
truth in his comments. If, however, he tells me I make
HIM FEEL a certain way it is so much easier to deal with
and accept as truth. Like you said, it seems so much more
genuine. No matter how genuine the compliment might be,
if I'm not feeling good about myself I won't believe it.
Boy! I just keep learning new things about myself
everyday.
From: STEVE02
Bernd: What do I tell her? I tell her how pretty she
looks (I stray from the word "gorgeous", it's
overplayed in society today), how good "I"
think her skin is (which is thinks 100% the opposite),
how much I like the look, texture and style of her hair,
how I enjoy the color/shape of her eyes. That is what I
tell her. But I do discuss inner beauty as well. Her
intelligence, personality, wit, charm, creativity and
just overall way of thinking. She seems to have a
fixation on the past. She's light brown hair/hazel eyes.
In the past, I've mentioned here and there that I enjoy
brown hair/brown eyed females over what she is. BUT, over
time, I have come to terms w/how she looks and it's grown
on me, I've learned to accept it for who she is and have
learned to love her on the inside as equally on the
outside. Her bringing up the past at times doesn't help
the situation at all. All I can do is sit there, listen
and offer an apology for my behavior in the past - but I
do try to stray from the past and look at the present
w/her. It's somewhat confusing.
I do find myself trying to convince her about how she
view's herself. She does, though, get to the point of
telling me to shut up and not remind her how she looks.
When I say she has beautiful, sexy legs, she says they
are white and fat. When I try to convince her that here
legs are actually pretty and that's she shouldn't be
embarrassed about them, she gets frustrated and hushes me
up quickly. It's almost like a never ending battle of
looks or something like that. I do ask her a lot on
"why do you think your legs are fat?" "why
do you think your hair sucks?". Her answer most of
the time is "I don't know Steve, why do you keep
asking me all these questions...?" I sometimes get
the feeling that her self-confidence is SO low, she can't
even answer a simple question. "why don't you like
your legs", her answer is unknown as mine would be
"well, cuz I never ride my bike and my legs are
outta shape". I can find answer for me (and for her
at times), whereas she can't find an answer ever. Either
she really can't answer it or she's hiding something from
me.
From: accept it?
I gave a gift to a person once. Well, maybe more than
once. But that is not the story I am telling. I gave a
gift to a person for their birthday, and sent it to them
(not by UPS). I wanted to get them another gift that was
more expensive, but I did not. I gave a new gift, that is
useful and put it in the box that the other more
expensive gift would come in. A misunderstanding arose
when the box was opened, because this person wanted the
more expensive gift and did not like the other gift.
Since I felt let down that the gift was not accepted, I
did not want to explain why I did not get the expensive
gift. The person consequently got very upset and used
some creative language. This could have been avoided had
the person simply said thank you for the gift. The person
wanted to "rub it in" that I did not get the
expensive gift. The person was not happy to just get a
gift. The person was not aware of the reasons why that
gift was given. The person assumed that the gift was
given to insult them, which is not true. The point is
that people misunderstand your reasons and intentions
even when you have good intentions. Some people will even
say you are not telling the truth if you try to explain
your reasons. Sometimes it is better not to explain your
reasons. If someone does not accept your gift, then do
not give them one next time.
After all the questions I have I asked her, I do find
myself trying to change her. If she doesn't like her
present hair color, I'll take her to the store so we can
pick up some hair dye. If she doesn't like her legs, I
suggest some bike riding or hiking on the weekend. For
the most part, my suggestions/plans/whatever don't work,
thus, she remains the same daily.
Yes, we are our own worst judges, but getting an
outside opinion should (in my viewpoint) make someone
happy, raise confidence and help improve the situation. I
guess that's not the case for me right now.
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